Nagging is a common complaint from married couples. It's a cycle of behavior that usually begins when one party feels that being fussy is the only way to get what he wants. If your wife's fussiness starts to bother you, there are various ways to deal with it. For now, you can try to stay calm and respectful, and withdraw if necessary. However, at a later date, work on discussing the big picture and making small changes with the goal of fostering a more harmonious and happy home.
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Part 1 of 3: Coping With Nasty
Step 1. Choose a debate
If you feel like your wife is fussing too much, consider how annoying things are right now. Just letting things go is sometimes a better solution.
- Your wife may be fussy about small and seemingly unimportant things. You may have left dirty dishes in the living room or not drying wet towels after showering. Are these things really too much trouble for you to do? Otherwise, it will be easier to accept your wife's criticism and try to remember it later.
- If you don't feel like an issue is worth arguing about, say something like, “Sorry I forgot to take my towel off the floor. I'll remember tomorrow. Thank you for reminding." People rarely get naughty just to annoy or put down other people. The wife just feels that you are not listening to her in the relationship. Thus, acknowledging that you are listening will help. Realize that your wife is different than you and has different priorities. If you're having no trouble fulfilling a particular request, it might be a good idea to just fulfill it.
Step 2. Withdraw emotionally
When you are frustrated by your wife's fussiness, you may say something mean. You may even reveal flaws or nag back when angry. That is not an effective way to discuss the problem and will only make the situation worse. So if you're feeling frustrated, it's best if you withdraw for a while. Remind yourself that you have the choice to argue or not. Then, be quiet and use the time you have to think before you act. If you feel you can't calm down, you can ask your wife to let you discuss the matter later.
Step 3. Leave the situation
Sometimes it's hard to emotionally withdraw when you and your wife are in the same room. Giving yourself some space will let you both calm down and review the situation. Go do something, walk the dog, bike, or do anything else to make room for you and your wife. This will give both of you time to calm down so you can better discuss the situation later.
Step 4. Be willing to review your own behavior
People tend to see nagging as a problem that comes from only chatty people. However, very rarely a problem occurs because of just one person. If your wife has real concerns or frustrations, admit it right away.
- I'm sorry. If you forget to take out the trash, your wife has every right to be frustrated that you're procrastinating on a task that could make her life easier. Listen to what your wife has to say and try to offer a sincere apology.
- Is there something you do constantly that annoys your wife? Even if the deed is trivial, it may not seem trivial to the wife. Maybe when you put off taking out the trash, your wife feels you are not listening to her words. Small changes in your behavior mean a lot to your wife. For now, try to pay attention to when you hurt your wife's feelings and how to avoid repeating it in the future.
- Say something like, “I'm sorry. I really didn't realize you felt that way because I like to forget. I'll definitely try to remember better next time."
Part 2 of 3: Working Together
Step 1. Calm down
Before discussing your relationship, you need to be calm. Nagging is a pattern of behavior that both parties don't like. Just as you don't like being criticized for your behavior, your wife probably doesn't like having to keep reminding you of small tasks or problems. If you want to discuss the pattern, do so when both of you are calm so the discussion doesn't turn into an argument.
- Take time to talk. Avoid times that limit the conversation due to external factors. For example, don't want to start talking at 4 p.m. if your wife has to attend a parent's meeting at 5:30 p.m. Instead, talk after the meeting.
- Do something that relaxes you before the conversation begins. Cycling, watching movies, and putting together puzzles can be an option. Any hobby that you enjoy can help you to deal with situations in a relaxed manner.
- Writing down your feelings in a letter before starting the conversation may help you. That way, everything you want to say is already written and you can convey it better.
Step 2. Divide tasks by priority
If your wife is always angry because you don't make the bed, then maybe cleaning isn't that important to you. On the other hand, if you're upset that your wife doesn't wash the dirty dishes right after eating, maybe cleaning in the kitchen isn't her priority. Both of you are more likely to complete tasks on time if they are important to each of you.
- Agree to share tasks with each other based on personal priorities. For example, the wife may agree that cleaning the bed is her job. You can decide that washing dirty dishes is up to you. It will reduce fussiness because there will be less disagreements regarding household tasks.
- Be polite, rather than dismissive, when speaking. For example, say something like, “I don't mean to be rude when I don't make the bed. I'm not used to it. Maybe if we both agree, you clean the bed, I'll do other tasks that are important to me, like washing the dirty dishes. It feels like if the task is important to ourselves, we can remember to do it more.”
Step 3. Negotiate new roles
Nagging is a pattern of behavior that causes people to take on roles they don't like. Just as you don't like being a victim, your wife probably doesn't like having to remind you of small tasks over and over again. You must be willing to negotiate new roles and work together to fulfill them. That will help you to break the nagging cycle.
- Sometimes that nagging can spark resistance. You may continue to carry out your duties even if it is not at the time your wife wants. Therefore, you may be confused and upset that your wife keeps reminding you. It can discourage you from doing small tasks just because you're annoyed, angry, or resentful. It will only make the wife more frustrated and even more fussy.
- You two should agree to try and review each other's behavior. Your wife must be willing to admit that she is chatty to you. Instead, you have to be willing to admit that you are reluctant to do your job and be willing to fix it. Breaking the cycle of behavior is difficult and requires constant effort on both sides.
- For example, suppose your wife is always fussy about taking out the trash. While that can be frustrating, you may also always forget or be reluctant to do the task. You two should both try to avoid such disagreements. Try saying something like, “I know you get upset when I forget to take out the trash, but sometimes you remind me when I go to bed at night. I don't remember waking up in the morning. Can you remember it when I left the house?” That way when your wife reminds you it won't feel like a fuss. You asked for it yourself. You'll be less likely to procrastinate because you're reminded at the right time.
Step 4. Give your wife a schedule for completing tasks
Sometimes, your wife may be fussy because she's not sure when and whether or not you'll get the job done. Following a schedule can sometimes reduce fussiness in a relationship.
- A specific schedule may feel arbitrary to you. For example, if your wife wants you to clean the toilet once a week, how important is it that you do it on Tuesday or Friday every week? Therefore, try to avoid arbitrary schedules. It can make you feel controlled and your wife will fall into a pattern where she has to keep reminding you.
- Instead, try making a schedule based on the presence or absence of a specific reason that requires a task to be completed on a specific day or time. Instead of agreeing to clean the toilet this week on Tuesday, you can convince your wife that you will clean the toilet before her friends visit for social gathering on Sunday night.
Step 5. Request a pleasant reminder
If you have to be constantly reminded of a certain task, you can't blame your wife if she gets frustrated. However, it may be that his way of reminding you is ineffective and may even annoy you. Ask your wife to remind you of certain tasks in a pleasant and gentle way so that you don't take her requests as a form of fussiness.
- Instead of constantly complaining about a task to you, especially when you're busy and likely to forget it, try asking your wife to write you a memo. A post-it at the door, for example, can remind you to take out the trash in the morning.
- Language is also important. Ask your wife to write a memo in friendly language. For example, going back to the post-it memo, ask your wife not to write something like, “Take the trash out.” Instead, ask him to write something like, “Can you take out the trash while you go to work? Thank you! I love you!"
- Pleasant reminders are more likely to be perceived as considerate than chatty. If you occasionally need a push to complete a task, the way your wife asks for your help can have an impact on your marital happiness. Try asking your wife to remind you in a gentle, friendly, and caring way, rather than in a chatty way.
Step 6. Find a simple solution
A great way to reduce fussiness in a relationship is to find simple solutions. While you still have to work on the big picture, sometimes simple solutions can provide a tremendous sense of relief and make it easier for you to deal with everyday problems. If there's a particular task that you often argue about, consider ways to get it done with ease. That will get rid of the problem, and an excuse to nag.
- Consider hiring someone to do a specific task. If neither one of you likes to mow the lawn and are always fighting over your turn to mow, are you financially incapable of hiring a teenager in your neighborhood to mow the lawn once a week? If you hate cleaning up the mess that teens make at home, maybe spending the money to hire an expert to fix a leak in a window is worth not arguing.
- You can also agree to do certain tasks yourself. For example, if your wife is an animal lover and you don't tend to care, it might be a good idea to take Sparky for a walk to the park alone on the weekends. Maybe your wife is okay with wearing a pair of pants or a t-shirt before washing, but you can't stand the idea. Maybe you should just wash your clothes separately.
Part 3 of 3: Talking about the Big Picture
Step 1. Change the way you think
The term nag is quite laden with negative associations. What one party perceives to be chatty is usually the result of poor communication so that a person is forced to take on a role he or she does not like. Even if you think your wife is fussy, try to understand that the problem is deeper than that. Something is not communicated properly between the two of you which then results in a cycle of nagging and rejection. Think of the problem as a communication failure between the two of you while discussing the big picture.
Step 2. Listen carefully
When it comes to nagging, you have to listen to what your wife has to say. Don't listen half-heartedly while planning your response to his words. You must be willing to listen carefully when discussing the big picture when it comes to fussiness.
- When the wife is talking, listen to what she has to say. Give nonverbal cues to show that you are paying attention. Look her in the eye and nod at the right time.
- Summarize what the wife said when she finished speaking. It reassures him that you are listening. It's also a good way to make sure you really understand what he's saying. For example, "From what I hear, you feel unappreciated because I left dirty dishes in the sink all night," or, "So when I walk into the kitchen in muddy shoes, you feel like I don't appreciate your hard work to keep the house clean."
Step 3. Use statements that focus on “I”
Statements that focus on "I" put you in charge of your own feelings. By starting a statement with the word "I" during a discussion, you avoid conveying the objective truth about the situation. Instead, you convey your own feelings. It can make both parties feel safe during the conversation.
- Statements that focus on the word “I” have three parts. First, start with "I feel" and state how you feel. Then, continue with the behavior that caused the feeling. Finally, explain why you feel that way. The point is to get your wife to understand how you feel as a result of her behavior. You are not stating that your wife's behavior is bad, but communicating your personal feelings as a result of her behavior.
- For example, suppose you are frustrated when your wife reminds you of something you are going to do, because it makes you feel like a child being punished. Don't say something like, “When you reminded me five times to wash the dishes, I was upset because I wasn't a kid. I'll definitely do it later, but not when you want to." It sounds judgmental and blaming, as if your wife is solely responsible for your feelings.
- Instead paraphrase your statement by focusing on the word "I". State your feelings, the behavior that causes them, and why you feel that way. Say something like, "I get frustrated when you remind me to wash the dishes because I'm sure I'll do it later even if it's not on your schedule."
Step 4. Tell me why chatter bothers you
Remember that in an argument, it's very rare that only one person is at fault. Your wife has to understand your point of view, just as you have to understand her point of view. Be honest with him why your wife's fussiness bothers you and how it affects your feelings.
- If you feel that your wife is overly critical, your natural reaction may be to avoid or ignore her. However, it may keep him from understanding how his nagging affects how you feel. When you avoid or fight against her criticism, she may think you simply don't appreciate her. Try to be candid about why you think fussing is a problem and how you feel about yourself as a result.
- Tell your wife, as specifically as possible, how you feel seeing her fussy. Did you get hurt when he was chatty? Are you feeling unfairly pressured? Tell him. He must understand his role in correcting the nagging cycle.
Step 5. Listen to the wife's point of view
If you want to talk about fussiness, you also have to understand your wife's point of view. Like when you express your feelings using sentences starting with "I", let your wife do the same. Try your best to understand the situation from his point of view.
- Encourage your wife to express her feelings to you. It will allow you to understand his thinking and understand what underlies his nagging. Accept his point of view with an open mind. Often a person feels compelled to chatter in order to be heard by others. You may not really mind if you are cold towards her or forgetful at times, but she may find you disrespectful or dismissive of her needs at such times.
- Try to understand the background of the wife's fussiness. How is the relationship between his parents? People rarely see anger or frustration conveyed in an appropriate way. It can trigger chattering or other passive aggressive behavior. If that's why your wife is fussy, make sure she can express her anger and frustration over your behavior. Work together to better communicate minor frustrations or annoyances.
- Be willing to compromise. Relationships take effort. If your wife's fussiness bothers you, maybe there's something you're doing that makes her have to be fussy. Try to be more proactive about household chores and be more open to your feelings and emotions. It can make your wife feel valued, which means less fussiness.
