Life is unpredictable and we are all faced with challenges and problems. Often we question the past and wonder what might have happened if things changed. Such thoughts can take up time and prevent us from moving on with our lives. Dealing with the past can trigger feelings of anxiety and depression.
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Method 1 of 3: Coping With Feelings
Step 1. Express the pain
There are many sources of pain in life. You may have made a mistake, regretted a decision, failed to take a chance, hurt someone, or was hurt by someone. Instead of dwelling on the past in your heart, just express the pain.
- Express yourself by journaling, talking to a trusted friend or family member, or consulting a professional counselor.
- If your pain concerns someone else, you can talk to that person about how you feel or write a letter to that person. If you don't want to talk to the person, you can write the person a letter without sending it.
- Expressing feelings about the past can also help you understand how you really feel about the situation.
Step 2. Accept the decision
Whenever you make a decision, you accept one opportunity and reject another. It's easy to reflect and speculate, but it will only frustrate you. Imagining various scenarios in your heart will not change the past. Instead of imagining what might and might not happen if you made a different decision, focus on the present and the things you can do now.
- Accept that the past has happened and you may or may not be proud of what happened. However, all of that is now part of your story.
- Say to yourself, “I decided that in the past. The time made sense to me. But looking back, maybe I'd be better off _. I can't predict the outcome, but this can help me later if I face the same problem.”
Step 3. Decide that you want to let go of the past
After expressing the pain, make a conscious decision to let it go. Even if you can't change the past, you can decide not to dwell on the past and move on to move on. When you choose to let go of the past, you are proactive about moving on, rather than being a victim of your own past.
- Say to yourself, “I accept myself with my past. I'd better move on from this," or, "I won't be stuck in the past. I want to step forward.”
- These decisions are everyday choices you make. You may have to tell yourself to move on in the morning before you can let go of the past.
Step 4. Soak up what you've learned
The past is an opportunity to learn for you. Your experiences may have taught you about yourself, others, or life in general. Reflect on the positives and negatives you've learned, but focus more on the positives.
- It's okay if you have trouble thinking about the positive things you've learned.
- It may be helpful to make a list of positive and negative lessons.
- For example, a failed romantic relationship may already be showing the qualities (e.g. more patient, more loving, etc.) that you want in your partner in the future.
Step 5. Forgive yourself
Everyone makes mistakes and has regrets. Past is past. It is not something that is currently happening or is certain to happen in the future. Your life is not just the past. It doesn't define you. Forgive yourself and let yourself move on.
- Write yourself a letter explaining what happened, what you could change, what influenced your choices at the time, and how you feel about yourself. Close the letter by writing about forgiving yourself and appreciating who you are now.
- Say to yourself, “I forgive myself,” “I love myself,” and, “I accept myself.”
Step 6. Forgive the other person
You may have been hurt by someone else in the past and keep repeating that painful experience in your mind. You can't change how the person treats you, but you can choose to forgive. Forgiveness means accepting what happened to you and letting go of anger and hurt so you can move on with your life. Forgiveness is about you, not the person who hurt you.
- Pay attention to what role you played in the situation, if any. Be empathetic and consider other people's perspectives and motivations in their actions. That might help you better understand the situation.
- You can only control yourself and your own feelings. Make the choice to forgive the person. You can talk to the person, write them a letter, or simply write a letter without giving it.
- Forgiveness is a process that cannot happen overnight.
Step 7. Stay away from unhealthy relationships
There may be bad people in your life that are preventing you from growing and moving on. The person isn't nice if you don't like being around them, feel embarrassed or bad about being around them, feel tired or upset after interacting with them, are badly affected by their personal drama, or are constantly trying to help or improve them. You have to manage or get rid of such relationships from your life.
- If you're still in an unhealthy relationship, set boundaries that protect you from that person's behavior.
- Express how you feel about his behavior by saying, “When you _, I feel _. I want to _. I say this because _.”
Step 8. See a professional counselor
If you need help dealing with the past, a professional counselor or therapist can help you work through your feelings. An expert is trained to listen, help you solve problems, and provide the right tools to lead a more positive life. Find a therapist who is certified, makes you feel comfortable, and has experience dealing with the problem you have.
- If you have health insurance, contact your health insurance provider for a list of mental health professionals. You can also ask for a recommendation from a doctor.
- If you don't have health insurance and live abroad, you can visit Prescription Awareness Assistance to find free or low-cost clinics near you.
Method 2 of 3: Changing Your Mindset
Step 1. Divert your mind
Memories of the past will occasionally come to mind. The more you try not to dwell on the past, the more you will reflect on the past. Instead of trying to fight the thought, acknowledge it and divert your thoughts.
- Plan what you will say to yourself when the thoughts arise. If you start reflecting on the past, what will you do?
- If thoughts of the past arise, say to yourself, "It's okay. That's in the past, but now I'm focused on _.”
Step 2. Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness will help you focus on the present and have more control over your thoughts. The ability to focus your mind on the thoughts of your choice will help break the habit of dwelling on the past. Practice practicing mindfulness when you feel stuck in the past.
- Focusing on the breath is one of the most common examples of mindfulness practice. Be aware of any physical sensations as you inhale and exhale. How does it feel when the air goes in and out of the nose? Lungs? Notice how your chest expands.
- Make a commitment to practice mindfulness every day. Consistent practice can help improve your mood and reduce the number of negative thoughts you have.
Step 3. Give yourself a time limit for your thoughts
If you can't stop reflecting on the past, try to limit the time you spend reflecting. Set a specific time span (for example, 10 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes) and times of day to reflect on the past. Choose a time when you usually relax.
- For example, you can meditate from 17.00-17.20 every day.
- If thoughts about the past arise outside of these times, tell yourself that it's not the time and you'll deal with them later.
Step 4. Critical thinking
When dwelling on the past, you may have irrational or distorted views (such as, “It's all my fault,” “I'm a bad person,” etc.) You may begin to accept these thoughts as truth and reality. If you criticize all of these thoughts as they arise, you can develop a more objective point of view. Ask yourself questions like the following:
- Is there a more positive way of looking at my situation?
- Is there any proof that my thinking is correct? Is there any proof that my thinking is wrong?
- What would I say to a friend who was in a situation like this?
- Does this thought help me?
- Does dwelling on the past help or hurt me?
- Instead of saying to yourself, "This is really hard," say, "I could try doing this," or, "Let me attack you from a different angle."
Method 3 of 3: Implementing Healthy Behavior
Step 1. Divert your mind
If you continue to do activities you enjoy, your mind will not focus on the past. Fill your life with activities and people that distract you from the past. Find a new hobby (like making crafts, producing art, playing sports, reading, etc.), spending time with family and friends, reading a book, or watching a movie. Do whatever activity you enjoy and makes you feel good about yourself.
- Make fun activities a regular part of your life.
- Activities that require full concentration (such as cooking, solving puzzles) or that force you to focus on something other than yourself (such as taking care of a pet, caring for a child) are great distractions.
Step 2. Exercise
Exercising releases endorphins (which are hormones that make you feel good) and stimulates the nervous system. Try to exercise for 30 minutes or more every day. Exercises that work the hands and feet together (such as walking, running, swimming, dancing, etc.) are best.
- Focus on your body and its movements while exercising.
- Listen to the music you love while you exercise.
- Try exercising with friends and turning it into a social activity.
Step 3. Get rid of triggers in life
You may feel that certain things are causing you to dwell on the past. Listening to certain genres of music, visiting certain places, or watching certain movies, among other things may cause you to reflect on the past. Changing some of these behaviors can help you move on with your life.
- For example, if slow-paced or sad music makes you reflect on the past, change the genre of music you listen to.
- If you notice that you often dwell on the past before bed, change your routine by reading or writing a journal before bed.
- These changes can be permanent or temporary. You may be able to do it again after you stop dwelling on the past.
Step 4. Make plans for the future
If you keep looking ahead, you won't have time to dwell on the past. Make a list of things you are grateful for, that you can't wait to do, and that you want to do. Put in the things you've already planned and make a new plan.
- Your future plans need not be grandiose. It could be as simple as having dinner with a friend next week.
- When planning ahead, write down everything you need to make the plan work.
- Focus on your strengths and the things you like about yourself.
