Admit it, having a romantic relationship with someone who has already been married is not easy. Most likely, the couple's previous marriage and the shadows of their ex-husband/wife will continue to haunt you, especially if the relationship between the two of you and your ex-husband/wife is not good. Whatever the case, always remember that he or she is a part of your partner's past, and will probably be a part of your life in the future. To approach your partner's previous marriage with a more positive mindset, try evaluating your feelings, trying to move on with your life, and learning the right approach to dealing with difficulties in your relationship.
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Method 1 of 4: Evaluating Your Feelings
Step 1. Evaluate the presence or absence of conflicting or uncomfortable feelings
If you're feeling insecure about yourself or in a romantic relationship with your partner, it's likely that your insecurities are at the root of the problem. Try to think about the reasons behind your discomfort with the existence of your ex-spouse and find the root of the problem.
- For example, you may worry that your partner still has feelings for their ex-husband/wife, or that your ex-spouse still has a chance to win back your loved one. If that's the case, try looking at the situation from a more realistic perspective so you can get rid of the feeling.
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Understand that relationships that are still tinged with the shadow of an ex often end up being complicated, especially if the couple already has children from a previous relationship and have disagreements with their ex about the child's upbringing.
- Complicated doesn't mean unpleasant. Some people make the mistake of thinking that “true love” will always run smoothly. However, unfortunately this understanding is just a myth. In other words, you can still be happy even though you are in a complex and difficult relationship. The key is patience and understanding!
- Regardless of the situation, you should be able to evaluate your ability to manage such a relationship. Even though your partner is a special person, you may have to end the relationship because you can't handle the drama in your personal life.
Step 2. Think about whether you have a crisis of trust in your partner
Your feelings for your partner's ex-husband/wife may actually be rooted in the crisis of trust. If you have this tendency, always remind yourself that your partner decided to marry you because he no longer wants to spend his life with his ex-husband/wife. Trust your partner! If you feel you are experiencing a crisis of confidence, now is a good time to resolve it.
- If you have been hurt by an ex in the past, remind yourself that you are in a relationship with a different person, and in a different situation.
- Or, you may be affected by a loss that someone else has experienced, such as a parent, character on television, or even a celebrity. If that's the case, always remind yourself that it's someone else's experience, not yours.
Step 3. Try to analyze any forms of jealousy you feel
If you feel uncomfortable when you see your partner talking about, or interacting with, their ex-husband/wife, you are most likely feeling jealous. If jealousy flares up, try to remember that your partner's past life has nothing to do with yours.
Overcome the insecurities that plague your relationship. Believe me, when your confidence in the relationship has increased, surely the jealousy will disappear by itself
Step 4. Convey a complaint about the spouse's ex-husband/wife to the spouse
Sooner or later, you have to bring up the topic of your ex-spouse, right? For example, the two of you should discuss the role of your ex-spouse in your spouse's life and their children in the future. On that occasion, also convey all the inconveniences and feelings that burden you to your partner.
- This conversation can help both of you find the most appropriate approach to dealing with the problem.
- Set boundaries to minimize your interactions with your ex-spouse by filtering the entire communication process through your partner.
- If you have also been married, now is a good time to discuss your partner's feelings about your ex-husband/wife.
Method 2 of 4: Moving On
Step 1. Accept the situation
Remember, the fact that your partner has an ex-husband/wife can't be changed. Even if your ex-spouse doesn't want to work with you, accept the fact that there's nothing you can do to change that. The only thing you can do is try to ignore him and still be nice when you're around him.
The best way to fight childishness is to ignore it. If his childish behavior is not responded to, it is likely that sooner or later he will stop doing it
Step 2. Don't dwell on the past
Most likely, your partner is in a relationship with you because he wants to start a new life, right? Therefore, don't dwell on the past! If you constantly complain about your ex-husband/wife, surely your relationship will continue to be haunted by a barrier that is difficult to break down. Leave the past behind, and focus on building a more positive, future-oriented relationship with your partner.
Focus on making all the moments in the relationship meaningful and enjoyable. As a result, sooner or later, these new and positive memories will begin to replace the memories of the couple with their ex
Step 3. Learn to be happy
The method? Focus on the present and on your marriage. Be grateful that you and your partner can find each other and live a happy life. Don't even think of yourself as a “second wife” or “third husband.” Remember, you are your spouse's husband or wife, and now he or she is yours. The fact is that it is as simple as that.
- Keep the relationship between the two of you sweet, simple, fun, and lasting.
- Remember, your partner has used all his strengths and resources to bring the two of you together. Therefore, be grateful for every experience your partner has in the past because without that event, the two of you would not be able to be together.
- To strengthen your marital relationship with your partner, try to make time to date and do quality activities together.
Method 3 of 4: Dealing with Difficulties That Appear
Step 1. Let your partner be the primary parent
Often, children will find it difficult to listen to or take advice from new adults. If a spouse has children from a previous marriage, let him or her determine the rules, expectations, and consequences for the child. Your job is simply to remind your partner to be consistent! When a problem occurs, involve your partner and show that you are both one unit in front of the child. Over time, and as your child gets used to seeing consistency between you and your partner, your partner's role as the “primary parent” can begin to change.
Step 2. Let time change your relationship with your partner's child
Treat your partner's children with respect and affection, even if he or she doesn't treat you the same way. However, don't try to act like the biological parents! Trust me, your relationship will definitely change over time, and allow your partner's children to determine the tempo of their relationship.
- Remember, children may not be able to give up their loyalty to their original parents and feel betrayed by your marriage early in the relationship. If that's the case, don't force him to make a choice, and let his feelings flow naturally.
- Always remember that the way children perceive divorce is often different from that of adults. Therefore, do not hesitate to invite the child to discuss his feelings, and never feel hurt by his confession.
- If your partner's children are old enough, explain that you are not there to replace their biological parents. For example, if you are the stepmother, try saying, “Auntie isn't here to replace your mom. Never will it be. Auntie just wants to be a very good friend or a second mother to you."
Step 3. Try to maintain the relationship that is formed
If all parties are willing to contribute to a successful relationship, make sure you do too! Understand that your ex-husband/wife is an ordinary human being. If he's willing to put in the effort to treat you well, of course you should do the same.
Step 4. Don't hate your partner for having to pay for their child's living expenses
Understand that you will not only share your life with your partner, but also with their children. Try to think of children's living expenses as dependents that are only owned by one party, but must be accepted and accounted for by both parties, such as credit card bills.
If you feel that your ex-husband/wife is too greedy or wants something that is not their right, make sure you communicate the problem very carefully with your partner. Instead, convey all your complaints implicitly and let your partner draw his own conclusions
Step 5. Talk to a marriage counselor
If you can't stop obsessing over your ex-spouse, try consulting someone who can professionally accommodate these obsessive thoughts.
You can do the counseling process alone or with your partner, especially if your goal is to address issues related to your ex-husband/wife
Step 6. Engage a family therapist
If you and your partner's children are not on good terms, or if you and your partner can't come to an agreement about parenting, try taking family therapy with the rest of your family. This method is especially useful if the couple has several children with different responses and behaviors towards their new “parents.”
Method 4 of 4: Managing a Marriage with a Widower or Widow
Step 1. Accept your partner's past
If your partner is divorced, you will likely find it difficult to fit in in the relationship. For example, you feel that you will never be able to be in the same place as your ex-husband/wife, and maybe your partner is still busy grieving. Instead of ignoring the past, try to accept it. Remember, your spouse's previous marriage was a part of his life, so it's only natural that he will grieve for a long time. That's why you need to talk about each other's feelings, both positive and negative.
- For example, encourage your partner to share their grief with you. Believe me, these activities can help strengthen and deepen the relationship between the two of you.
- Share your feelings with your partner. If you're feeling worried or insecure about your partner's past, don't be afraid to talk about it.
Step 2. Accept the fact that your partner will always love your ex-husband/wife
Most widowers or widows who are divorced will not be able to stop loving their ex-partners. However, that does not mean he will not be able to build a meaningful romantic relationship with you, you know! Therefore, try to let go of all jealousy or negative emotions towards your ex-spouse, and accept the fact that your partner will always love their ex. However, at the same time, remember that your partner also loves you and is willing to build a new relationship with you.
- Your partner's previous marriage will not change his feelings for you. Although you may have difficulty understanding the sentence, believe that sooner or later, you will know that your partner can love you even though they still love their ex-husband/wife.
- Don't try to turn yourself into an ex-husband/wife, or force yourself to behave like that. Observing your partner's past traditions can be a meaningful experience for both of you, but it's still important to ask your partner for their opinion. In other words, make sure your partner really wants to keep the tradition and doesn't feel sad or hurt about it.
Step 3. Discuss the items your partner can keep
Chances are, there is an ex-husband/wife left over that he or she wants to keep, even if the situation doesn't make you feel comfortable. To avoid unnecessary conflict, try to discuss what your partner can and can't keep. Don't be lazy to compromise in this kind of situation, okay!
- For example, you could agree to your partner's desire to keep all photos of their ex-husband and wife and a box or two of their leftovers, as long as the couple is willing to donate other items to a charity.
- Better, do not impose your will. In other words, try to come up with ideas that can benefit both of you. For example, your spouse should store the belongings left by his ex/wife in a room where you can avoid it, or package it in such a way that it doesn't remind him of his ex-husband/wife. Then, agree with your partner that the topic can be discussed again between the two of you after a year or so.
Step 4. Set boundaries wisely
Even if you feel the need to empathize with your partner's grief, think about your own feelings! In other words, if your partner does or says something that hurts you, don't hesitate to say it. Set limits on things that you can both tolerate, so that your needs and wants can both be met.
For example, if your partner refers to their ex-husband/wife as “husband or first wife” or “my partner,” it's perfectly natural to feel hurt, unappreciated, and insecure when you hear this. If that's the case, try saying, “I know you're still grieving and loving your ex. But, you should know that those comments hurt me.”
Step 5. Focus on the present
Instead of being stuck in the past with your deceased spouse's ex-husband, try to focus more on the present and future with your partner. Create new memories with your partner, and don't hesitate to do various activities that the two of you have never done in the past. In particular, try taking up new hobbies, visiting new places, and eating new dishes.
