In essence, humans are social creatures. The desire to find compatibility with others is natural because from an evolutionary point of view, this is what helps us to survive. If you've just transferred to a new school or have always felt like an outcast, don't beat yourself up because making friends isn't an easy task for anyone. When you find it very difficult to find a match with other people, use the following ways to make yourself more socially acceptable.
Step
Part 1 of 2: Learning about Groups
Step 1. Identify which group you feel is most suitable
Usually, these groups are made up of popular people "within" the crowd, but try to find words that can describe a specific group. This way, you will be able to better imagine and prepare for what you have to do to find a match with other people.
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Use this template: Popular kids are _. They are considered the best because _. They are great kids at _, and love _ when they have free time.
If completed, this sentence would be: "Popular kids are soccer players and cheerleaders. They are considered the best because they are energetic, active, fit, and attractive. They are great kids at playing sports and socializing with other people, and likes to go to parties when he has free time."
- Or the template would form the sentence: "Popular kids are choir members and acting class students. They're considered the best because they're smart, fun, charismatic, and calm. They're great kids at performing, makes people laugh, and enjoys watching movies when they have free time."
- Popular kids groups will be different in each school. At your school, it may be the athletes who are considered the popular kids. In other schools, environmentally conscious children may be considered the most popular. Don't assume that popular people always behave and have the same interests.
Step 2. Pay attention to what the social norms are at your school
The group you've selected may look attractive because they've been led to certain behaviors and interests that may not make them considered the most popular among your friends.
- The group you choose may be the Vegan group, and at school, a child who is considered "cool" may mean one who does not eat meat or animal-based food products.
- You must decide whether the norms your chosen group adheres to are related to what you are willing to sacrifice or want to achieve. You might have a hard time following the norms in this group because you love beef steaks and scrambled eggs.
Step 3. Observe what this group considers most important
Pay attention to the group's favorite T-shirts, gear, or sports gear they carry. Try eavesdropping and find out what topics they discuss most often.
- Be careful when listening to their conversation so that you don't get caught because you might be labeled as an inquisitive person.
- You don't have to adhere to every social norm to be accepted by the group. For example, you might choose to join a Vegan group, but the aspect that they consider an important identity of this group is being a fan of Justin Bieber.
Step 4. Take actions that show that you have common interests
For example, if your group performs great at an inter-school show, buy tickets to see them perform and say hello if you meet them there.
- If your group enjoys reading Harry Potter books, take them to school and read them in class. If they like to wear clothes of a certain color, wear the same color. Similarities can be a stepping stone to start building friendships.
- Imitation is very important to be liked. Not that you have to be like a robot or clone. Trying to sound like there's something in common is a natural way for people to do, and it's usually well received by those imitating.
- Be honest in your actions and interactions. If you think something is wrong, don't do it just so you can find a match. Remember that there are many things that other people value, and certain norms or interests may not really matter to the group.
Step 5. Introduce yourself to the group confidently
Once you have an overview of the interests and characteristics of your chosen group, try to make them aware of your presence confidently and unabashedly.
- Remember, being confident doesn't mean being rude. Try not to sound pushy or overly assertive when introducing yourself. This method may not be liked by closed people.
- On the other hand, don't be too shy or look awkward when you meet extroverts who are easy to get along with. Introducing yourself enthusiastically and speaking a little louder may be better.
- Instead of getting to know the whole group at once, try getting to know the group members individually. You can greet them by saying: "Hi! My name is Dodi. I remember we were in the same class when we were in the second semester of English class. Are you an Askar, right? Oh yes, I also really like Pak Burhan's anatomy lessons."
Step 6. Join a sports team or club that your group participates in
Make time to hang out with group members outside of class or in more casual activities to show your true personality.
- Try joining a cheerleading squad or alumni reunion committee. Look for activities that are organized but relaxed so you can socialize and joke with your friends.
- Finding a match isn't just showing common interests, it's building a bond. If you can, find activities that require problem solving and collaboration, and an exercise group is ideal. People tend to bond more easily with others who are united by a common goal.
Part 2 of 2: Being a Social Person
Step 1. Tell jokes and smile often
A smile is a universal sign of acceptance, and a smile is usually contagious.
- Jokes are very important in social circles. Smiling and laughing is a universal attitude for everyone, regardless of their interests.
- Humor is not only proven to make us feel good ourselves but can also trigger positive feelings for others. People prefer it when other people make them feel good.
- Use self-deprecating humor as a good way to show that you're not taking yourself too seriously. For example, you might say, "I'm a total idiot, I tried to style my hair this morning and it made me look like Ninila Sihira." Your ability to laugh at yourself will make other people feel good about themselves.
- Avoid humor that ridicules or demeans others unless it is done in a play situation. In America, there is a game of "the dozens," which is played by arguing while demeaning one another that can strengthen friendships as long as the focus is humor and not hurt feelings. You can try this debating game, but never invite friends you don't know to play with each other because it can come across as rude or offensive. You can also invite your friends to play basketball, swim, or do other activities together.
Step 2. Give sincere compliments to the members in your group
Your friends will like you more if they are complimented.
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Give a compliment sincere.
A careless and insincere compliment will have the opposite effect and make the other person feel humiliated.
- For example, instead of saying something casual like, "Hi Deb, you have beautiful hair," try saying, "Hi Deb, I really like your hair that looks soft and healthy. You don't have any split ends!"
- Don't praise someone too much. This is tantamount to being insincere so they may feel like you're complimenting them with bad intentions.
Step 3. Focus your attention on the group members
It's okay to talk about yourself from time to time, but in general, people will prefer it when other people make them the center of attention.
- This is not the same as putting other people in the public spotlight. Don't make your group members look special in front of other people, because for introverted people, this can make them feel embarrassed or humiliated. Try to divert the conversation by involving other people as well when you talk or have exclusive interactions with someone.
- Making empathetic statements is a great way to shift focus to the other person. Say something like, "I understand how you feel," or "Did you like last night's concert?" able to open a conversation well so that other people want to talk about themselves.
- Spice up some personal information and opinions while making empathetic statements to find common ground and show them that you are listening with all your heart.
Step 4. Nod, repeat their words, and say their name often
Any behavior that can instill confidence in others can make them feel comfortable in your presence.
- Nodding is a behavior that others tend to imitate. Studies show that nodding while listening makes it easier for you to agree. If you nod while talking to other people, there's a good chance they'll nod at you and agree with what you're saying.
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Repeat their words by paraphrasing instead word for word.
Paraphrasing what the other person has just said to you will show that you are actively listening to them, but repeating what they are saying word for word can give you the impression of just "parroting" and demeaning them.
- Names are central to our identity, and hearing our own names called makes us feel recognized as human beings. Therefore, people will prefer you because you want to mention their name.
Step 5. Be polite if you disagree, but don't say they are wrong
You may have different views on certain issues, but there are appropriate ways to express your disagreement. Often we don't need to say that someone is wrong, and this can make the other person feel very humiliated.
- Instead of saying "James, you're wrong for supporting the death penalty," ask "Why do you agree with the death penalty?" Listen to what they have to say, then try to understand why they think that way. Ask, "Why do you think they believe that? Why do you feel this is the right thing?" Find common ground between you and them and then use it as a basis to start explaining your opinion. For example: "I also really hate crime, and I think punishment should be meted out, but…"
- This method is known as the "Ransberger Pivot" technique which is very useful because it can increase success in influencing others by seeking common ground first. You can correct other people's opinions without embarrass them.
Step 6. Show yourself
Once accepted by your friends, define who you are in a way that is unique but still fits with your group identity.
- Your desire to find a match doesn't mean that you can't be the best. If you've been appointed the point guard on the college freshman basketball team, wear your award jacket with pride. People will be attracted to you because you are talented but still humble. Be proud, but don't be arrogant.
- The desire to be different and find a match are two things that are equally natural. Trying to satisfy one person at the expense of the other will only have dire consequences, so try to find a balance for yourself. Accept what makes you different and what makes you have something in common with other people.
Tips
- Set your attitude to sound "cool," "friendly" or "fun."
- Keep your head up.
- Be yourself.
- Email and call your friends.
Warning
- When you are trying to find a match, don't be too demanding, follow them everywhere, try to imitate, and impose your will on them because they will not like it when someone imitates and always follows them.
- Do not be afraid. You certainly don't want to feel afraid and don't believe in yourself.
- Don't start a relationship by lying because in the end they will find out your lie and feel disappointed in you.
- It can be very messy if you don't try to be yourself.
- Don't feel embarrassed if you're hanging out with them.
- There's no need to try so hard to impress them because sooner or later they'll find out who you really are and won't want to be friends with you anymore.
- You don't have to always look cool. Wear clothes that are comfortable for you, don't force yourself to wear clothes you don't like!
- Don't be discouraged if you do something that embarrass you.
- You will have a hard time making friends with them if they are not nice to you.
