Infidelity is a huge betrayal, and there is no guarantee that your relationship will be saved once you have an affair. However, some relationships can be saved and with a lot of effort they can become stronger. By doing so, each party can learn a lot about themselves, their values, and how important the relationship is in their lives. The road to relationship recovery is two-way, with each party committing to learn from the incident, offering and accepting forgiveness, and recommitting to staying with the other person. Even so, each party must be involved and the journey to the restoration of this relationship begins with the cheating party. If you are that person, you should apologize sincerely and sincerely to your partner.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Preparing an Apology
Step 1. Find out why you are having an affair
The first thing to understand is that one of the parties is cheating in a relationship because something is wrong, or missing from that party. The goal is to find out what the problem is so when you and your partner have recovered from the shock that you first felt when you found out about this affair, you can try to digest what was behind the action. The following questions can be used to do this:
- Do you feel insecure or unattractive?
- Do you feel like something is missing from your relationship?
- Are you satisfied with your sex life?
- Are you currently or at the time of the infidelity being stressed about an aspect of your life?
- Even if it's your first time cheating, have you ever thought or felt like cheating?
Step 2. Try to find out if you really want to keep in touch with your partner
Based on the assessment you made of yourself in the previous step, you should think carefully about whether you really want to continue in a relationship with your partner or not.
- You hurt your partner and because of that you have to keep apologizing to them even if you decide to part ways in the end.
- If you decide to stay in a relationship and try to get over this incident of infidelity, your relationship is not going to be easy so you shouldn't throw your partner into this if you're not really committed yourself.
Step 3. Take the time to write about your relationship
To help you figure out if you really want to continue the relationship, try writing down your reasons: why do you want to stay together?
Try to be as specific as possible. Hopefully you still love your partner, this point should be included in the list, but this love issue is still ambiguous. What do you love about him? What aspects of the relationship do you enjoy? What is the future for both of you in your eyes?
Step 4. Understand what prompted you to apologize
Obviously, you're apologizing for having an affair. However, you should let your partner know that you really understand how you hurt them. Be prepared to talk about how you've ruined your relationship.
You are not only having an affair but also betraying the trust that your partner has placed in you. In addition, you also destroy the opinion of your partner about your relationship, (perhaps) you embarrass your partner, and the possibility that your partner is at risk of getting sexually transmitted diseases because of you
Part 2 of 3: Apologize Sincerely and Sincerely
Step 1. Try not to let other people know
You may be tempted to apologize publicly because you feel your partner will be touched by your willingness to embarrass yourself and be judged by others by posting a lengthy apology on your Facebook wall. This action will only make people pay attention to your relationship and your private affairs become public consumption.
You should also think twice if you want to send a bouquet or apology gift to your partner's office. If you do, your partner's co-workers will be curious to know why you sent it and maybe your partner just doesn't want to discuss your relationship issues with these people at the time
Step 2. Take responsibility for your actions when you apologize
It's important to understand why you're having an affair, but explanation is not the same thing as justification.
Even if there are issues behind this incident in your relationship (and perhaps both of you are responsible for this), for the act of cheating that occurred, only you are responsible. In this discussion you should make sure your partner knows that you are admitting your mistakes
Step 3. Avoid using the word "if"
You're not really responsible if you use sentences like, "I'm sorry if I hurt you," or "If you hadn't refused my invitations often, I wouldn't have taken this desire elsewhere." Sentences like this can make your partner feel as though you're trying to shift your blame.
Instead of saying "I'm sorry if I hurt you," try to acknowledge the fact that you caused your partner to feel hurt: "I did something to hurt you and I'm really sorry about it."
Step 4. Prepare for tough questions
Maybe he knows infidelity because he catches you having an affair, or finds evidence of your infidelity, or maybe you admit it yourself. Whatever the cause of the he knows it, obviously he will have a lot of questions for you.
- Maybe your partner wants to know the details of your affair: how you got to know this third person, how often you see him, why you decided to end it, whether you love him or not, etc.
- If you shut down and refuse to answer questions from your partner, you are creating a chasm between the two of you. This can make him distrust you even more and neither of you can communicate openly and honestly with each other.
Step 5. Try to answer honestly, but use soft language
Don't try to circumvent your answers, don't give vague answers, and you don't have to explain third-party relationships in great detail. For example, if your partner asks you what attracted you to your boyfriend, don't say, "Sam has a model body and beautiful blue eyes."
- If your partner keeps urging you to go into detail, you should answer honestly but be careful when telling them. "I find Sam attractive, but that doesn't mean I can have an affair with him."
- It's definitely forbidden to compare your partner with a dark lover when answering questions from your partner. Don't say, "Sam is much more open and generous than you." This will offend your partner and of course give the impression that you are not actually responsible for this incident.
Step 6. You must realize that your partner is not being completely rational during the discussion
Even if your partner knew about the affair before you formally apologized to him, you shouldn't expect (or demand from him) that the conversation will be calm and rational. Emotions are unpredictable, and you can't determine how your partner should feel or how they will respond to your apology.
If things get too emotional, it's a good idea to give your partner time and space to digest what happened before you try to finish your apology
Step 7. Express your unconditional apology
You have hurt your partner and therefore you should apologize to him regardless of whether he will break up with you or not.
Apologize regardless of whether he will forgive or accept you back or not. If someone ignores it, it means that your apology is not sincere because there are conditions that you provide
Step 8. Express an apology without expecting him to accept you back
You really regret what you did, and maybe you feel that if you can get your partner to see how sorry you are and how hurt you are, they will be willing to take you back. This kind of thinking is normal, but you can't think that as long as you're properly apologizing, things will be okay.
You can't tell if your partner can forgive you or not. Even if he can forgive you, he may not be able to trust you anymore
Step 9. Let your partner know what you want
Even if you're purely apologizing without trying to push your partner to accept you back, you can let your partner know that you want to be forgiven or that you want to save the relationship.
For example, try saying something like, "Pat, I know what I did hurt you so much and you don't trust me anymore. I'm really sorry for that. even so you can trust me again. I understand if you don't want to waste your time on it, but I hope you can believe how sorry I am and how I want to apologize to you."
Step 10. Listen to your partner
Maybe after you apologized to your partner, he or she doesn't want to talk to you at all. If this is the case, you should respect his wishes. This apology is not only about you but also about and for your partner. If your partner wants or needs to let go of his feelings, let him do it.
Show your partner that you listen to them, and that you understand how much you hurt them. Don't cut him off when he's talking because you want to justify or explain your actions
Step 11. Show respect for both your partner and yourself
Cheating on your partner is hurtful and dishonorable, and right now you are trying to fix it. Listening carefully and attentively to your partner is one way to show respect for them. However, while it's important for you to make your partner feel heard, don't allow yourself to tolerate the violence he or she has done to you.
- Even if it's your fault for having an affair, nothing can justify violence, so be prepared to leave your partner if he or she is physically, verbally or emotionally abusive.
- If your discussion gets heated, try responding in this way, "I understand why you're angry, but what you're saying right now is inappropriate. Maybe we can talk later or maybe we can have a couples counseling session together."
Part 3 of 3: Continuing the Relationship
Step 1. Cut off communication with the illicit lover
It's clear that both you and your partner have been hurt by this affair. But you shouldn't forget that you brought someone else into your relationship when you were having an affair. So that your relationship can be saved and run again, your partner should not be afraid that you will cheat on anyone again, especially with this third party.
- You should involve your partner in doing the steps above because your partner needs reassurance that you have really ended this illicit relationship.
- You should call the lover and explain what you did wrong and tell him clearly that you no longer want to be in a relationship with him.
- Don't promise your partner that you won't meet your lover but secretly go to see him even to say goodbye. You have to be absolutely sincere when you swear to break up with him.
Step 2. Set clear boundaries with your ex-girlfriend if you can't really get her out of your life
Maybe you really can't get out of touch with him anymore if he happens to be a coworker or you just can't avoid him. If this is the case, you should have a plan in place for how and when you can interact with your ex-girlfriend.
- Limit contact with ex-girlfriends as much as possible. Obviously you can't help but communicate with him professionally during a business meeting, but you don't have to go to lunch with him together.
- Make sure you've reassured your partner that your relationship with your ex-lover will no longer cross the line.
Step 3. Continue to maintain open communication with your partner
This situation cannot be reversed as easily as applying a plaster to the wound. To fix it, you have to re-prove your love for him to deal with the damage to your partner's trust in you. One way to do this, maybe you have to be willing to lack privacy and be willing to share details of your day with your partner.
For example, your partner may request access to your social media accounts, phone, and email accounts. It's a good idea to give him this access because if you don't, your partner will feel like you're hiding something. If you really don't feel up to it, maybe you should rethink whether or not this relationship is worth saving (or think about whether or not this relationship "could" be saved)
Step 4. Give your partner a reason to trust you
It's natural for your partner to become distrustful of you for a period of time. It may not be a big deal to you if you come home a few minutes late, but remember that you're starting the relationship from scratch again. So you have to be really reliable.
- If you say you'll be home by 11:00 at the latest, come home at 11:00, not 11:15.
- Always call your partner if you are going to be late or there is a change in plans. If your partner wants you to come home early, comply if possible.
Step 5. Realize that you are currently in a new relationship
If your partner decides to give a second chance, you can't expect your relationship to go back to how it was before. In a way, you start over from scratch, and build a new relationship together. You and your partner have become different people because of this incident, and you have to learn to adapt to this.
Step 6. Be patient
You can't determine how long it will take your partner to truly forgive you and forget him. Things may be fine for a period of time, but suddenly your partner becomes angry and suspicious of you again. If you're trying to speed up the recovery process and demand that things get back to normal as quickly as possible, your partner may feel unappreciated.
- If you feel it's worth working hard to save the relationship, you should give your partner time to grieve for as long as they want. In addition, you also have to be willing to face setbacks in the development of your relationship.
- You can't control how long it takes your partner to get over their anger and hurt, but you can have control over yourself. You can try to be consistent and reliable so that your partner can see how sorry you are and how serious you are to save the relationship.
Step 7. Be open to counseling
Maybe your partner and you are not at the stage where you need to see a therapist to save the relationship. However, there is nothing wrong with attending counseling sessions because there is a greater chance that your relationship will improve afterward.
- As a neutral third party (and also an expert), a therapist can provide a safe space for you and your partner to express yourself and examine the relationship. In addition, he can make plans for both of you and study progress in the relationship.
- By offering to attend counseling sessions, you are sending a message to your partner that you are serious about repairing the damage caused by your mistakes and that you are doing your best to win back their partner's trust.
Step 8. Try to actually participate in the counseling session
Of course, if the two of you decide to attend an counseling session, you have to be serious about it. You can't just be in the therapist's office once or twice a week but expect your partner to continue speaking during the session.
Answer questions asked by the therapist and partner in a kind and honest manner. Do all the tasks or homework given by the therapist as best you can and honestly
Step 9. Protect yourself during the process
Even if you've made the difficult step of admitting your mistakes and trying to save your relationship-which may require you to lose your freedom and privacy-don't lose yourself or your integrity.
- If you feel like you've lost yourself in the process of saving the relationship, or if you feel your partner is abusing you, you should reexamine the relationship.
- You may have to accept the fact that it's time to end the relationship, or if you haven't already, seek help from a professional therapist.
