Apologizing to your partner-and actually saying it sincerely-can be one of the hardest things in a relationship. In addition, this is also one of the most critical things or moments. For example, if you want to stay in a relationship with your boyfriend, you will eventually need to offer a sincere, clear, unconditional, and egoless apology. Even if you don't currently have a girlfriend, the techniques described in this article can still be followed by you and anyone else.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Getting Ready
Step 1. Admit that you are at fault
An insincere apology usually causes more trouble than no apology at all. If you can't convince yourself that you're guilty and sorry, you probably won't be able to make him believe that you're sorry and want to apologize.
- Think of moments that happened when you were a child. Every time you are forced to apologize (half-heartedly) to your brother for a small mistake, will either of you feel better?
- If you can't accept and admit (or say) that you're wrong, maybe you should be able to let go of the relationship. This may be the right choice, but make sure you understand the consequences when you decide whether you can or want to apologize or not.
Step 2. Consider the impact of your mistakes
You need to be considerate and put yourself in his place. Think carefully about the impact your actions have on your loved one and why you should apologize. This way, you can prepare a sincere and effective apology.
- For example, a casual remark you make about the poor performance of your school basketball team can actually become a more serious matter when you consider your boyfriend's struggles for the basketball team that turned out to be a failure.
- You've probably heard someone say "Don't overdo things!" or "Don't be silly! " However, in this situation, you do need to consider things more seriously. Don't be tempted to belittle your own actions. Try to focus on the inner wound that you "inscribed" on your lover.
Step 3. Forgive yourself
If you make a mistake and realize it, guilt can make it difficult for you to make a sincere, focused apology to the injured party (in this case, your lover). Try to accept your mistakes and rise above guilt so you can direct your energy towards your partner's needs.
- Strengthening or self-affirmation exercises (e.g. chanting, doing yoga, writing thoughts) before apologizing can relieve feelings of guilt that may be causing you to become defensive when trying to apologize.
- If you can't forget and accept your mistakes, and bounce back from the past, there's a good chance that your boyfriend won't be able to do the same either.
Step 4. Plan an apology
A brief apology (e.g. “Uh, sorry!”) when you accidentally step on his foot or spill your drink on his clothes is still acceptable. However, for more serious apologies, it's a good idea to prepare for it and even practice saying it.
- To make sure you can include the "3Ps" (regret, accountability, and making amends) in your apology, it's a good idea to think about what you're going to say. Try practicing apologizing in front of the mirror. You can also ask a friend to help you practice your apology.
- Apologizing in person is usually the best option. However, you can also write an apology letter if your boyfriend is reluctant to see you (because you forgot to pick him up at the airport, for example), or if you feel that your apology would sound better when you wrote it.
- While other people usually prefer to wait until the moment is right to apologize, sometimes it's best if you apologize right away before they show their sadness or anger. For example, if you know that he will be upset if you forget his birthday, you should be prepared to apologize before he expresses his disappointment.
Part 2 of 3: Saying Sorry
Step 1. Take your responsibility
Whatever form of apology you want to show, emphasize that you are the party responsible and are the "hurt" party. Don't try to reduce, justify, or throw errors.
- Even if you're not entirely at fault (and maybe he did too), what you're expressing is your apology so you need to focus on your mistake. Don't focus on the apology you deserve (at least for now); just focus on the apology you have to express.
- Try using sentences that have the pattern “I …..-you”. You can fill in the blanks with your actions that hurt him, as well as steps you would take to improve the situation or prevent the same mistakes from happening.
Step 2. Tell him what he needs to hear
If you've ever been disappointed by the fake apologies that politicians and celebrities often say “beautifully”, the thing that really upsets or upsets you is the lack of a reflection of guilt and remorse in the request.
- Often, it's better to say "I'm sorry" and "I'm the one at fault" specifically. Simple phrases like these may be very difficult to say, but they can form the basis of a good apology.
- Adding the conjunction "because," followed by your specific mistake can also be a good apology.
- For example, compare “Ouch! My friends and I had so much fun that we lost track of time and forgot about your appearance!” with “I'm sorry that I forgot to watch your performance. I'm guilty of not putting your program first tonight, while I know that I have to come to support you."
Step 3. Respect her feelings
You may hope that he will accept your apology soon (regardless of how perfect it is). However, inner wounds do not always heal quickly. You shouldn't accept verbal abuse (and, of course, any form of violence), but try to give him space and time to vent his frustration or disappointment.
- Apologizing can be difficult. In addition, many people find it difficult to accept it. Some people use apologies as an excuse to vent their wounds. When you apologize, he may shut down and say nothing. He may also try to ignore you or not want to hear what you have to say. In this situation, focus on the things you can control, and listen patiently if he wants to talk.
- Don't demand or expect forgiveness, at least as soon as you apologize. Instead of stressing him out by saying “Please forgive me”, try saying “I hope you can forgive you, even if not now.”
Step 4. Speak clearly, firmly, and sincerely
As explained in the previous steps, the best apologies are thought out or “constructed” carefully, don't beat around the bush, and clearly show guilt, remorse, and dedication to correcting the situation and the hurt.
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Consider some of the examples of apologies below that use the concepts of “3Ps”, remorse, accountability, and situation remediation:
- "I'm sorry. I realized that my lateness made us miss the beginning of the movie. Next time, I'll treat you to a movie."
- "I'm sorry. I know it's not easy for you to trust other people, and my lies will make it even harder for you to give trust. I shouldn't lie, though I'm afraid of your reaction. I promise to be more honest and trustworthy from now on."
- "I'm sorry for speaking to you like that. I shouldn't have said that. I'll try to tell you when I don't like something, rather than holding it in and venting all my emotions like before."
Part 3 of 3: Showing Regret
Step 1. Keep your promise
If you promise to make things right when you apologize, make sure you are willing and able to keep the promise. Your apologies are not complete until you have successfully completed your “final assignment”.
- If you promise not to be late again, change your routine clearly so you can show up on time. A visible change in attitude is a clear sign of sincerity.
- Every time you need to apologize for the same thing, your apology gets harder to believe and accept. You may not be able to completely change your tendency to say hurtful things when you're stressed, but a real effort to change your attitude will make your apology more acceptable.
Step 2. Use the power of touch or physical interaction
Apologies coupled with a hand, a touch on the shoulder, or a hug usually prove to be more effective. Touch can reflect familiarity (in this case, you know and understand it) and sincerity (you mean what you say).
You will of course have to rely on your judgment or judgment. If you really hurt his feelings, he may avoid your touch. Don't try to force physical contact when your partner doesn't want to accept it. However, you might be surprised to find that oftentimes, even the coldest mates want a hug when their feelings hurt
Step 3. Follow your apology with affection
Even a good apology shows that you know your partner well. This will be strengthened when your apology is accompanied by a form of affection that you feel he will appreciate.
- Write a poem or song about it. Make a painting or photo collage of the happy moments the two of you have had. Prepare his favorite food. Offer to help him in an organization or institution he likes.
- The form of affection shown doesn't have to be related to your fault, but can be effective in certain situations. For example, if you forget your birthday, throw a surprise party a week or two later. Put in a lot of effort to make a special party for him.
- Without intending to generalize to all men, some partners may be more receptive to physical forms of affection. However, never accept being forced to do things you don't want to do (both physical and non-physical) as part of your apology. An apology is not an "invitation" to be taken advantage of.
Step 4. Expect nothing in return
Remember to stay focused on your role and what needs to be done as part of your apology. You can't control or control his response, or what he will say or do.
- What you can do is be a good partner by showing that you can admit your mistakes and work to improve the situation. After that, his way of responding to you and his willingness to acknowledge his role in the problem (if he does have one) will be his own business.
- Easily expressed apologies (and apologies) are important in determining the success of a long-term relationship. Meanwhile, forced apologies and demands for forgiveness will only form the basis of a weak relationship.
