Do you feel cheated by your partner? Regardless of whether or not you want to save the relationship with your partner, lying is still an issue that needs to be taken seriously. As bitter as the truth may be, dishonest behavior is still painful and unacceptable. Read on for this article to find out the best way to let your partner know that you already know the lie.
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Method 1 of 2: Confronting Liars to Save Relationships
Step 1. Invite your partner to meet face to face
Communicating face-to-face with your partner allows you to analyze important markers, such as body language and eye contact. This can help you determine if he has started telling the truth or is still lying to you.
- Even if the truth is still debated, a person can be said to be lying if his lips often pursed when talking to you, his posture looks restless and out of sync, his words are too short, often silent, and uses less "I" speech.
- Invite him to meet in a neutral location, such as a cafe or restaurant. In addition to preventing the communication situation from getting worse, meeting your partner in a crowd will also encourage you and your partner to discuss, not fight.
Step 2. Gather evidence of the lie
Things as simple as text messages, snippets of emails, letters, statements from your friends, or even your instincts can be used as evidence. Just make sure you've reviewed the evidence before putting it on the discussion table. Remember, discuss the evidence calmly and rationally. Don't forget to duplicate some of the duplicated proofs just in case.
Step 3. Calm yourself
Enter the “discussion room” calmly but still strong. Practice your calmness by meditating, practicing deep breathing, taking a relaxing walk outdoors, or imagining pleasant and calming things. Do whatever it takes to keep your mind and body from feeling too stressed.
Step 4. Tell him that you know his lie
In order for a conflict to be resolved, you first need to define the problem specifically. In this case, the problem for you is the lie. Submit your complaint quickly and clearly so that the remaining time can be maximized to resolve the conflict. No need to be convoluted. Just say that you know the lie and that it worries you. Keep your tone of voice calm and always make eye contact. Instead of calling him a “liar” outright, be specific about his attitude and behavior that you find dishonest and unacceptable. For example, you could use sentences like:
- "Lately I know you often work late at night, but why every time I call you never pick up? Your attitude makes me feel like I've been lied to."
- "When you said you liked my haircut, I had the feeling you weren't being completely honest."
- "Lately I've been worried that you're lying to me. For example, I often catch you checking your phone while I'm doing other things. Is there something you want to tell me?"
Step 5. Use "I" to express how you feel
While it may be tempting to blame, criticize, or yell at your partner, vehement accusations will only make your relationship even more difficult to repair. Instead of making accusations straight away, be honest about how you felt when he started lying. Some sentences that you can convey are:
- "I find it hard to trust people who have lied to me."
- "I value honesty. I think the slightest lie can really ruin a relationship."
- "No matter how bitter the truth is, I still appreciate it. I actually feel more hurt if I have to be lied to, even if it's to protect my feelings."
Step 6. Keep the conversation off topic
Some of the usual responses given by the accused are changing the subject, blaming the person accusing him, stalling the conversation, or suddenly praising the person who accuses him for no reason. Whatever your partner's response is, stick to your topic: you know the lie, you feel hurt, and you want the lie to stop for the sake of your relationship with him. Remember, you have the right to express your feelings and your partner has an obligation to listen to whatever you have to say. Don't let your focus get distracted, don't get defensive.
Step 7. Give him a chance to explain
Remember, sometimes someone has a good reason to lie. It's possible that he wasn't lying at all and there is a perfectly plausible alternative explanation for all of your evidence. It is also possible that he has regretted his lie and sincerely wants to change his behavior in the future. People often lie when they're under pressure, but they'll probably tell the truth if they've been given time to think and calm down. Even if he lied to you, he still has the right to explain. If you want to improve your relationship with him, allow him to explain.
Always remember that people can be easily deceived, especially by their partners. This phenomenon is known as “truth bias”; You can easily trust the people you care about, even if their words or actions are irrational. Your partner may have a good reason to lie, but don't allow yourself to get caught up in unreasonable reasons. If she says her phone was stolen by a stranger who looks like her, and then that stranger used her phone to send your best friend nude photos of her, don't believe it. Most likely he is still lying to you
Step 8. Decide on your next action
Follow your instincts and watch their behavior closely. Ask yourself, are you really sure the lies will stop there? After considering everything (including your instincts), you can choose to do one of the following:
- Forgive your partner and move on. If the lie doesn't seem very important or only happens once, or if your partner really looks serious when he says he's going to improve, you can forgive him. In the future, be more vigilant. But you need to keep in mind that no one is free from mistakes.
- Follow the therapy process. If his lies are on a serious scale and are starting to mess up your relationship, consider taking him to a counselor to rebuild trust in the relationship. Most likely, this will cost you a lot of time, effort and money. If you've only been in a relationship for a short time or you're not married yet, consider this decision carefully.
- End your relationship with him. If the lie has been repeated several times, or if you are still having trouble believing it, it's best to just end your relationship with him. Even if you initially intend to improve the relationship, remember that your happiness and security are priorities.
Step 9. Congratulate yourself for sticking to the truth
Dealing with a liar is not easy, but you have to do it. Entertain yourself by going to the spa, having dinner with friends, or engaging in other relaxing and enjoyable activities.
Method 2 of 2: Confronting a Liar to End the Relationship
Step 1. End a relationship filled with lies
Some lies are excusable, some are not. You are under no obligation to “forgive and forget” all the lies and mistakes of others. Even if you decide to end the relationship with him, still explain your feelings to him. In this case, you don't go to him to ask him to correct his behavior, but to restore your trust and strength after being betrayed by your partner. Make sure you really want to end the relationship with him. Don't threaten to cut ties just to control his behavior.
Step 2. Think carefully before asking her out
Do you really need to ask him to meet? Will your safety be guaranteed? Sometimes, a lie is just a lie. But not infrequently, lying behavior is associated with more serious mental conditions. People who are narcissistic, violent, overly jealous, and obsessive tend to have a habit of lying. Think about whether your partner is possessive, easily jealous, angry, or lacks empathy. If so, you shouldn't need to see him to discuss his behavior.
Step 3. Meet him in person or talk to him over the phone or online
Since your goal is to end the relationship, you don't need to care about his behavior when communicating; You don't have to know if he's still lying or not. The topic of this conversation is you and your needs. You no longer need to observe her posture or make constant eye contact with her; all you have to do is say whatever you want to say, in any way. You can deal with it:
- Directly. The safest option is to talk to him in public. Tell your friends or family the location so that if the discussion starts to heat up, you can ask them for help. This option is indeed more risky, but you will feel satisfied when you can see his shocked face when he is caught off guard.
- By phone. First, write down what you want to say. Remember, this will probably be the last time you contact him, so make sure you tell him everything. This option also makes it easier for you when you want to end the conversation; whenever he starts to piss you off, you can just hang up.
- Via email. Through email, you can express your feelings and thoughts more clearly. This option is useful if you never want to see the liar's stupid face again. Ask your friend to read the email before you send it, making sure it's clear and easy to understand. If he responds to your email, you have the option of replying to it or putting it in the trash. Ending a relationship via email may seem unwise, but sometimes it's the best and safest option, especially if your partner's behavior could threaten your security.
Step 4. Express how you feel when you feel hurt or betrayed
Since you don't want to improve your relationship with him, be clear about how hurt and betrayed you are. Try not to shout or utter obscenities; Emphasize the fact that his behavior was unacceptable and that he is to blame for ending your relationship. Your courage may help him to be more honest with his partner in the future. But remember, whatever his behavior after that is no longer your responsibility. You are not responsible for changing it: you are only responsible for ending the relationship honestly and without degrading yourself.
Step 5. Stick to the message you want to convey
More than likely, he will try to distract you by constantly apologizing or giving excuses. In fact, he may even throw the blame on you. If this happens, there is no need to respond to his attitude. Keep hurling your complaints with a flat and cool face. Sooner or later he will realize that the focus of this conversation is what he wants You say, not what he thinks or feels.
Step 6. Ask for support from those closest to you
Now is not the time to be keeping things to yourself. Admit it, you need help and support from those closest to you, such as friends and family. They will not only give you a more objective perspective, they will be happy to provide you with the support and attention you need. If you forget that you broke up with a good reason, they can help remind you that you made the right decision. Research also shows that breaking up with a partner can strengthen a person's friendship with those around him, which results in an increase in that person's level of happiness.
Step 7. Focus on the positive effects of breaking up with a liar
The end of a relationship with someone we care about is painful, but it can often have a more positive impact on both parties. Focus on your efforts to grow and learn from the experience. Tell yourself that you can achieve something bigger, especially now that you're no longer in a relationship filled with lies.
Tips
- Consider the fact that everyone-including you-is bound to lie. This fact does not necessarily justify his lies, but at least makes his actions easier to understand.
- Avoid passive-aggressive behavior if you want the lying to stop. Communicating it directly is the most effective way to change his behavior in the future.
- Don't involve law enforcement otherwise truly necessary, such as when he starts hurting another person, commits a crime, or performs another dangerous act.
- Most lies are usually not meant to hurt others (also known as white lies). The most painful lies usually come from those closest to us.
Warning
- Be careful, someone caught lying will usually be compelled to do two things afterwards: promise not to lie again or think of a smarter, less prone way to lie. Until your trust is fully restored, remain doubtful in all his words and actions (that is, don't swallow anything he says).
- Some men will immediately get angry if they are accused of lying. Be prepared to protect yourself or ask him to meet in a crowded public place. If your instincts feel he could hurt you, put your safety above all else.
- Unless you have really solid and irrefutable evidence, accept the fact that you could be wrong. Be prepared to admit your mistakes, even if you have to feel ashamed about them.
