Kindness and patience help you in solving many of life's problems and viewing the world objectively. They enrich your understanding and expand your capacity for empathy. It also increases contact with the outside world by improving your communication skills. Simple things like listening (and acknowledging), getting it right, especially when there's a disagreement, takes a lot of effort and a lot of practice. If you want to be a good listener, read on to get started…
Step
Part 1 of 3: Listening with an Open Mind
Step 1. Put yourself in someone else's shoes
It's easy for you to get confused and only consider the impact the person "talking" has on you. But an active listener is blocking your own thinking. But you have to be open and look at the problem from the other person's perspective: and assuming you've experienced it personally, you'll see through to the problem pretty quickly.
- Remember that you have two ears and one mouth. It is more profitable for you to hear than to speak. People who listen more are people who are more observant which means they care more and understand things better. Make sure you really listen and don't do anything else. Try to focus on the person speaking and not be distracted by anything else. Stay still and make eye contact so the other person knows you're listening. Although boring, it means a lot to the other person if you listen to what he or she has to say.
- Before you judge the person speaking, or conclude an immediate “solution,” take the time to look at the situation from the other person's perspective. This will help you really listen and not form your own opinion before you fully understand the situation.
Step 2. Avoid comparing other people's experiences with yours
Even if you think the best thing you can do is compare with your experience, this is not true. If the other person is talking about dealing with the death of a family member, you can share your experience, but avoid saying, "That looks a lot like me…" This can be insulting, especially if you compare a serious situation to a less intense experience, such as comparing a divorce to a divorce. Your boyfriend's only three-month relationship can make your interlocutor uncomfortable.
- You may think it's the best way to help and understand the situation, but this way of thinking can actually make the other person feel like you're not listening at all.
- Avoid saying "I" or "I" too much. This is a sign that you are more focused on yourself than the other person's situation.
- Of course, if the other person knows you have had a similar experience, then he or she will ask for your opinion. In this situation, you can give your opinion, but be careful not to feel that your experience is very similar to that of the other person. It looks like you are creating a fake situation to look helpful.
Step 3. Don't try to help right away
Some people think, if they listen, they too have an easy and quick solution right away. Instead of doing this, you should listen seriously, and think carefully about the “solution” when the person is speaking – and if he or she really needs help. If you start thinking quick solutions, then you're not really listening.
Focus on every word that comes out of the other person. Only then can you try to help
Step 4. Sympathy
Show that you care by nodding at the right time so they know you're listening to them. Also say "yes" when they're talking about something they want you to agree with (you can tell by their tone) or "wow" when they're talking about tragedy or something bad happened to them. Saying these words shows you are not only listening but also paying attention. Say these words at the right time and gently so you don't become a distraction. Try to appeal to your sensitive side and calm them down when they are in trouble. On the other hand, most people don't want to be pitied. So calm them down but don't make yourself feel superior to them.
Step 5. Remember what you have heard
One of the important things to be a good listener is to absorb the information that is given to you. So when they're talking about problems with their best friend, Jake, and you've never met Jake before, at least you can remember his name so you can seem more involved in the situation. If you don't remember a single name, detail, important event, then you don't look like you're listening.
It's okay if your memory isn't sharp. However, if you always need reassurance or are always forgetting about each person being told, then you are not a good listener. You don't have to remember all the little things, but you don't want the other person to repeat the same thing a million times
Step 6. Follow up
Another important thing about being a good listener is that you do more than just listen, chat, and not think about it anymore. If you want to show you really care, then you should ask them about the situation when you met with him or her, or texted, phoned them about how the situation was going. If the situation is serious like an impending divorce, looking for a job, or even a health issue, then it's a good idea to ask about it even if you're not told to. Don't be upset if they don't want to tell you, accept their decision but say that you're still there to help them.
- The other person may be touched that you are trying to think about the problem and find out how he survived. This boosts your listening skills.
- Of course, there's a difference between following up and irritating them. If people are talking about how they want to quit their jobs, you may not need to text every day asking if they've done it or not, or you could be adding to the stress of the situation and providing stress instead of help.
Step 7. Know what to do
Knowing what to avoid if you want to be a good listener can be almost the same as knowing what to do. If you want the speaker to take you seriously and think you're polite, then there are some general things you should avoid:
- Don't interrupt in the middle.
- Do not interrogate the interlocutor. Ask questions when needed (eg when the other person is not talking).
- Don't try to change the topic, even if you feel uncomfortable.
- Avoid saying, "This isn't the end of the world" or "You'll feel better tomorrow." This only makes the other person's problem smaller and makes them feel guilty. Make eye contact with them so they feel you are interested and listen.
Part 2 of 3: Knowing What to Say
Step 1. Silence the first time
This may be commonplace and sure, but one of the biggest problems with listening is the urge to voice impulsive inner voices. Likewise, many people express false empathy by sharing personal experiences. In-depth responses can help, but are usually overused and abused.
Get rid of your desires first, and wait patiently for the other person to share their thoughts in their own way
Step 2. Reassure the other person that the matter will be kept confidential
If they are talking about something very personal and important, then you have to make sure that you are a trustworthy person who can keep your mouth shut. Tell me you can trust me, and whatever is discussed will remain a secret between the two of you. If the other person isn't sure you can be trusted or not, then they probably won't open up to you. Also don't force people to open up to you because that could make them uncomfortable or angry.
Of course, when you say a secret will be safe with you, it must be true, except in situations that prevent you from keeping it a secret, such as when the person is about to commit suicide and you are very anxious. If you can't be trusted, you won't be a good listener
Step 3. Speak upliftingly
It's important to use an empathetic tone at times when speaking so the other person doesn't feel like you're not listening at all. It is important to “conclude and restate” or “restate and reinforce” the main topic. This will help the conversation flow smoothly and make the other person less shy about speaking. Here's what you should do:
- Repeating and reinforcing: Repeat some of what the speaker said and, at the same time, provide a positive argument for encouragement. For example, you might say, “I can see that you don't like being blamed. I'm not happy either." Be careful using this technique. Use an empathetic tone at all times because if you use it too often, you can come across as condescending.
- Summarizing and restating: It is very important to conclude your understanding from the conversation and restate it with your words. This reassures the speaker that you are really listening and understanding. It also provides an opportunity for the speaker to correct your erroneous assumptions and misunderstandings.
- Be sure to leave the door open for statements like, "Maybe I'm wrong but…" or "Correct me if I'm wrong." This technique is especially useful if you're feeling frustrated or indecisive.
Step 4. Ask meaningful and empowering questions
Avoid investigating the person you are talking to. Instead, aim for questions that allow the speaker to draw his or her own conclusions about the issue. This will help the speaker reach a conclusion without being judgmental or pushy. Here are a few things to keep in mind:
- When you've shown empathy, it's time to empower: Repeat the question you asked. Example: “You don't like being blamed. But I don't understand why you feel guilty and not just being barred from doing things your way."
- Asking questions in this manner will force the speaker to respond quickly to your lack of understanding. In the response process, the speaker will begin to change the emotional response into a more logical and constructive response.
Step 5. Wait for the speaker to open
In the process of encouraging a constructive response, the active listener must be very patient and allow the speaker to gather all his thoughts, feelings, and ideas. At first this may range from a small stream to a torrential downpour that takes a long time to learn. If you press too quickly and ask a lot of personal questions, it can have a more negative impact than you'd like and can make the speaker feel stifled and hesitant to share information.
Maintain your patience and put yourself in the “talking shoes”. Sometimes it helps to imagine why the speaker might be involved in this situation
Step 6. Don't interrupt with what you are feeling or thinking
However, wait for the speaker to ask your opinion before spoiling the flow of their conversation. Active listening requires the listener to temporarily store his personal opinion and find the right moment between conversations. If the conversation stops, provide an empathetic conclusion or agreement.
- If you interrupt too soon, he will get frustrated and won't hear everything you have to say. He's eager to finish his piece and you're going to cause a nuisance.
- Avoid giving direct advice (unless you are asked to). However, let the speaker talk about the situation and find his own way. This will strengthen the speaker and you. This will most likely be the result of changing the speaker and you being more understanding.
Step 7. Convince the speaker
Whatever the conclusion of the conversation, let the speaker know that you enjoyed listening. Make it clear that you are open to further discussion if needed, but that you are not going to put pressure on him. In addition, reassure him that your goal is to keep a good secret. Even if the speaker is in a bad situation and says something like. “Everything will be fine” doesn't sound right, you can also reassure the speaker that you are here and ready to help.
- You can also pat her on the knee or pat her head, give her a hug, or give her a touch of reassurance. Do what is right in the situation. You don't want to go overboard with touching.
- Offer to help with solutions if you have the ability, time and expertise. "Don't make false hopes." If you can only listen without a solution, make sure it's clear. Listening is also an important help.
Step 8. When making suggestions remember to keep them neutral and unaffected by your experience
Think about what's best for the speaker not what you do though this can help.
Part 3 of 3: Use Appropriate Body Language
Step 1. Make eye contact
Eye contact is very important when you are listening. If you give your friends the impression of disinterest and annoyance, they may not open up to you anymore. When people talk to you, focus on their eyes so they know you're absorbing any information they provide. Even if the topic is uncomfortable for you, at least be respectful and listen to what they have to say.
Focus your eyes, ears and mind only on the speaker and be a good listener. Don't concentrate on what you are going to say next, but focus on the speaker. (Remember that this is about him, not you)
Step 2. Give the speaker your full attention
If you want to be a good listener, then it's important that you create a conducive physical and mental distance. Eliminate any distractions and direct all your attention to the speaker. Turn off all means of communication (including cell phones) and speak in a place where there are no distractions. When you are face to face, keep your mind calm and be open to what the other person has to say.
- Choose a place that is free of distractions or other people that can attract your attention. If you go to a coffee shop, make sure you focus on the person you're talking to, not interested in the person walking in and out of the door.
- If you are speaking in a public place such as a restaurant or cafe, avoid sitting near the television. Even if you want to give the other person your full attention, it can be tempting to watch television, especially if your favorite team is playing.
Step 3. Encourage the speaker with body language
Nodding will show you understand what's being said, and encourage him to continue. Adopting the same posture, position and body movement as the speaker (imitating) will calm the speaker and be more open. Try to look straight into the eyes of the other person. Not only does this show that you are listening, but it also shows that you are interested in the conversation.
- Another way to have encouraging body language is to move your body toward the speaker. If you walk away, then it will look like you want to leave quickly. If you fold your legs, fold them toward the speaker rather than the other way around.
- Don't fold your arms across your chest. This will make you look skeptical even if you don't feel like it.
Step 4. Listen actively to show your concern
Active listening includes the whole body and face – you and the speaker. You can be quiet while making sure you hear every word the speaker is saying. Here's how you become an active listener:
- Your Words: Even if you don't have anything to say, saying “Mmhmm”, “I see”, or “Yes” every five seconds will start to get annoying, you can say encouraging words here and there to show you're paying attention.
- Your Expression: Appear interested and make eye contact with the speaker at all times. Do not overwhelm the other person by glaring at him, but show friendliness and openness to what you are listening to.
- Paying attention between sentences: Always pay attention to things that are not mentioned and cues that can help you gauge the speaker's feelings. Pay attention to the speaker's facial expressions and body to gather all the information you can gather, not just words. Imagine the state of mind that gave you that expression, body language and volume.
- Speak with the same energy level as the other person. This way, they'll know the message arrived and won't have to repeat.
Step 5. Don't expect them to open right away
Be patient and listen, without giving advice.
Try to repeat what the other person said to ensure the correct meaning. Sometimes words can mean two different things. The best way to be sure and avoid misunderstandings is to repeat what the other person said so they understand that you are listening and that you and he are on the same page
Tips
- The harder you listen, the more important what is being said.
- Being a good listener is an important skill if you want to advance in your career and form meaningful relationships with others.
- Never give your "amazing" advice (unless they ask). People just want to be heard, not lectured.
- Just because someone talks about the problem, doesn't mean they want you to fix it all. They just want people to listen.
- Avoid copying all sentences word for word. This can be annoying.
- If you look at the speaker, look into his eyes. This shows you are 100% focused on him, and not distracted by anything else. Relax your eyes and avoid glaring and looking in disbelief. Make yourself comfortable with what is being said, for as long as you can.
- Remember sometimes we need to listen “between sentences”, but there are times when we need to absorb all the information and let the speaker speak his way.
- If you think about what you are going to say and not about the speaker, you are not listening. You have little ability to help.
- Avoid taking it lightly. Avoid saying things like, "Thousands of people have this problem so don't worry."
- From now on listen to your interlocutor and your surroundings, you will be amazed by what you hear. Pay attention to people and hear what they have to say. You will learn a lot just from listening.
- Postpone important conversations if you're not in the mood to listen. It's better not to talk if you're not ready. It will have a negative outcome if you insist on speaking when you are distracted by emotions, anxiety and other distracting things.
- Avoid pushy suggestions.
- Don't interrupt the conversation by asking questions or sharing personal experiences.
Warning
- Try not to talk too much when the other person is talking about something very important to them. They feel like they can trust you to tell them their precious secret, and if you don't listen with your nonchalant behavior (even if you don't mean to), then they'll feel like they can't say anything more and this could damage your relationship or minimize your chances. to be friends. If the subject matter is very important, you should use comments that relate to his facial expressions and try to agree.
- Even if the story he tells is too long for you to pay attention, try your best to keep listening. You never know your opportunity is greatly appreciated by listening to what they have to say. This strengthens your relationship with him.
- If you seek a response before the other person has finished speaking, you are not really listening. Try waiting for them to finish talking to state your opinion. Clear the mind: Empty and start fresh.
- Don't just say uh huh, yeah, or nod because the other person will think you're not really listening.
- Eye contact. If you don't look the other person in the eye, they may feel like you're not really listening.
- Try to clear your mind and give your full attention to the other person; You do this by trying to focus like betting your life.
