We've all heard the cliché "You can't choose your family," but it's become a cliché for a reason. For better or for worse, we find ourselves as members of a family and we have a responsibility to develop and maintain those family relationships. Dealing with grandparents-whether our own grandparents or our parents who are grandparents to our children-can present unique challenges, but the trade-off possibilities of a solid and loving relationship are worth the difficulty of overcoming them. In this article, we offer advice for grandchildren to better deal with the annoyance caused by their grandparents, as well as how new parents can steer the course of raising children under their own parental care.
Step
Method 1 of 2: Dealing with Annoying Grandpa and Grandma
Step 1. Find out what you mean by "annoying"
Before tackling any problem, we must be able to find out the real source of our annoyance. Complaining that our grandparents were annoying is easy enough, but what exactly is it about their behavior that really annoys us?
- Complaining to your grandma and grandpa (or whoever will listen) that they're annoying isn't going to solve anything. Try to be specific as you identify the problem yourself: "I hate it when grandma treats me like a five-year-old on a visit and won't let me watch "The Walking Dead," even though I'm twenty-five."
- Before deciding how to respond to the problem and possibly challenging your grandparents, take a few moments to reflect and write down your problems for yourself.
Step 2. Consider your grandparents' point of view
When dealing with all kinds of interpersonal issues, it's important that you try to understand the other person's feelings in a sympathetic way. This means that you should try to put yourself in your grandparents' shoes to understand their point of view.
- Try to find out why your grandparents behaved the way they did. In the end, you may have to speak directly to your grandparents to voice the complaint, but it's best to prepare for this if you've made your own guesses.
- Grandma may not let you watch your favorite television show when you stay at her place on vacation, but have you ever thought that maybe it's because she herself finds the show too scary?
- Is there a chance that grandma and grandpa are still trying to keep an eye on what you're watching because they still think of you as their innocent little grandson and are just feeling nostalgic?
- You may be upset that your grandparents call you every other day, but could it be that they just miss the time when they could see and talk to you more often?
Step 3. Find out more about your grandparents
You have your own unique relationship with your grandparents, but you may not know much about them outside of that context. Assuming that your grandparents are willing to share their stories, learning as much information about them as you can will help you begin to understand your grandparents as individuals and can help you identify ways to start improving your relationship.
- Before you start tackling a specific issue (for example, the frustration of your grandparents being too intrusive or caring too much about your life), talk to your grandparents about their lives and their relationship with their grandparents.
- Ask your grandparents a very specific question: "How often did your grandparents see great grandparents?"
- This step can also help to learn more about the differences between generations. For example, if your grandparents grew up during the Great Depression or the Revolutionary era, knowing them will give you a better understanding of their outlook on life.
Step 4. Find common ground with your grandparents
In addition to further improving your relationship, this step will help you remember that you share the same traits and life principles as them.
- Do you have the same crazy sense of humor as your grandfather? Keeping this in mind will help as you determine when and how to confront your grandpa about something in particular that is bothering you. If your grandpa loves humor, then you can be successful if you bring up the topic with a joke.
- Also think about what you are grateful for from your relationship with your grandparents: Were they always there for you? Can you count on them if you suddenly get sick in the middle of the night? If loyalty is very important to them (and to you), then acknowledging it can help you understand the source of some of their annoying habits or can help you tolerate them.
Step 5. Evaluate your own role in this issue
It's rare for a problem to be one-sided, so it's important that you reflect on yourself honestly to find out what you may have done that contributed to the problem.
- For example, could it be that even though you're upset with your grandparents for not treating you like an adult and not letting you sleep late, at different times you let them really pamper you like you were a kid? If so, realize that you have caused a misunderstanding for them.
- Is it possible that you transfer-respond badly to the qualities you don't like about yourself when you see them in your grandparents? If so, it's not fair for you to criticize them-for example, for never returning your calls, when you yourself often do the same bad things.
- Are you impatient and rude when dealing with your grandparents? You may think you've managed to hide your annoyance, but remember that body language, facial expressions and tone of voice can tell a lot about how you're feeling.
- Your grandparents also know you quite well and may therefore be aware of your annoyance. This can greatly exacerbate existing tensions.
Step 6. Decide what is acceptable and what is not
Keep in mind that not every war has to be solved by fighting, and of course, always fighting will only increase the overall annoyance and tension.
- Adjusting your schedule and habits so you don't see each other and fight often isn't always that difficult. Especially if you don't see your grandparents often.
- You may have been waiting all week to catch the latest episode of your favorite show, but is that television program really worth fighting you if you can record or watch it later on your smartphone or laptop?
- On the other hand, while you may feel that it's okay if your grandparents don't like the way you dress, you shouldn't (or don't want to) just accept the insults or hatred they are directed at your partner.
- The point here is to determine what is important to you, both in terms of your own life and in terms of maintaining a relationship with your grandparents.
Step 7. Talk to your grandparents
Once you have tried your best to understand your grandparents' mindset, find common ground with them and know your role in the problem; it's time for you to talk to them.
- Make sure you choose the right time and place to talk to your grandparents. If they go to bed early, then deciding to talk to them-about how you feel about their demeaning your career choice, for example-just before bedtime is usually not going to go well.
- Try not to sound accusatory. Even if you think your grandparents are annoying, don't start the conversation with "Grandma, I get annoyed with Grandma when she's forcing me to eat all the time."
- Instead, try framing your complaint with "I" language: "Grandma, I love that Grandma cooks good food whenever I come in, but sometimes I feel like I'm being forced to eat too much and this really irritates me."
- Also know that framing the discussion in terms of what you appreciate about your grandparents will help when you talk to them, even if your goal is to discuss an issue.
- You may also want to try asking your grandparents their questions or comments. If you're bothered by constant questions about your love life, the next time they ask again, try responding with "Why did your grandparents ask that?" Their answers may surprise you, or they may realize they have asked too many questions.
Step 8. Consult your parents
While it may be best if you try to handle the problem yourself, depending on the difficulty level of the problem or your level of comfort with grandparents, you may decide to ask your parents for help.
- Parents can usually give you good advice, whether they have a close or strained relationship with their parents. Parents can advise on how to approach your grandparents or if necessary, discuss the matter with them on your behalf.
- If you've decided to tell your parents or ask them to talk to your grandparents, be careful not to put your parents in an uncomfortable position.
- If the problem is simply that your grandparents were annoying (and not mean or abusive), then it's something that an adult should be able to handle independently. One of the most important roles of a parent is to protect you, but that doesn't mean you always protect yourself from everyday annoyances.
- If your grandparents behaved violently, of course the handling was completely different. There is no rule that says we must maintain relationships with evil or dangerous people, even if they are family.
Method 2 of 2: Dealing with the Grandparents of Your Kids
Step 1. Evaluate your problem carefully
If you are a new parent, your life has just changed drastically, and you are still learning to manage all the different aspects and demands of your life. Remember that your children's grandparents are also adjusting to the addition of a new member to the family.
- Before you angrily rebuke your children's grandparents about their behavior, try to determine whether or not you are all still in the middle of an adjustment period. Do you think that with time and patience, this dispute will resolve itself?
- If you prefer to root the problem out-say you simply can't stand their frequent, unannounced visits-make a list of their specific behaviors that annoy you.
Step 2. Consider the viewpoints of your children's grandparents
If you've read the first method on how to deal with your own grandparents, you'll notice that many of the steps in this method are related to the steps above. Although your relationship with your children's grandparents and grandparents is distinctly different in many ways from that of your grandchildren and grandparents, there are still some similarities. We deal with interpersonal relationships in the family, and whenever we have a problem, it helps to consider the other party's point of view first.
- It's likely that you or your partner will have to speak directly to your children's grandparents, but thinking about why they are acting this way will help prepare you for the conversation.
- For example, you may be irritated by your mother's constant questions about your baby's feeding schedule (which you may think of as a slightly disguised criticism), but it could be that your mother is only worried about you because of the difficulties she experienced when you were young. baby?
- Similarly, you may be very upset by their unannounced arrival, but your perspective on the situation may change when you realize that you yourself rarely invite your children's grandparents to visit. More than likely, grandparents are simply simply eager to spend time with their grandchildren.
Step 3. Try to be kind when making assumptions
This step automatically follows the previous one: you try your best to consider the grandparent's point of view; it's not a good idea to immediately think badly of their motivations.
- For example, you may think that your mother-in-law has been waiting for the opportunity to call you a failure parent, which you think is the reason why she often brings food to your house (does she think you can't feed your own family?), but don't ignore the possibility that he's just trying to lighten your load.
- Maybe your parents haven't called or visited since you brought your baby home, and this makes you think they're not interested in their new grandchild. While this may be true, start with positive thoughts and consider the possibility that they are trying to give you enough space. It is not impossible that they are actually anxiously waiting for your initial initiative.
Step 4. Find out more about your children's grandparents
You have a unique relationship with your children's grandparents, but you may not know the extent of their experience with their parents or in-laws. The current behavior of your parents and in-laws is definitely influenced by their own experiences as parents, so they may have a different idea of how much or less involved they are with your child.
- Ask your children's grandparents specific questions about their early relationship with their parents or in-laws: "Mom, how often did Grandma visit when I was a baby? Did you ask her a lot of advice in the past?"
- Similarly, ask your children's grandparents about their experiences raising children: "Mom, was my husband fussy when he was a baby? How did you deal with it?"
- Learning as much information as possible about your children's grandparents will help you begin to understand them as individuals and may help you find ways to improve your relationship.
Step 5. Learn about all the generational differences in raising children
It's hard enough for you to sort through so many contradictory and often fluctuating advice on the best way to care for and raise a child. Learning about the changes in some (sometimes drastic) standards of childcare over the years will help you understand the mindset of your children's grandparents.
- You may be very irritated by your mother-in-law's constant nagging about introducing rice cereal into your baby's diet at only a few weeks old. But once you know that a pediatrician he trusts recommends it, then it will be easier for you to understand his current behavior.
- Similarly, for example, not much was known about SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome), even a generation ago. It was only recently that parents were warned not to put their babies on their backs while sleeping. While this is obviously not something you can give up, understanding that your children's grandparents were given different instructions will help you determine how to talk to them and explain your thoughts.
Step 6. Ask your children's grandparents for help
Instead of completely removing the role of grandparents from your children's lives, or setting up absolute and inflexible rules, find areas where you can seek advice from them and make them feel included.
You may have good reasons why you want to put your child to sleep on a set schedule, but take the expertise of 'Grandma Kayoko' the babysitter: If your child's grandmother is able to put the baby to sleep in minutes, ask to be taught how to do it.. When the baby sleeps at grandma's house, you can ask the grandmother to put the baby to bed at exactly 7 o'clock
Step 7. Decide what is acceptable and what is not
It is important that you remain as flexible as possible when dealing with your children's grandparents. Of course there will be a number of problems, especially regarding the safety of children which you must take a firm stand against. But try to determine what behaviors on the part of the grandparents are just simply annoying.
- For example, although you need to have a balanced diet and nutrition, a few gifts of sweets from your grandfather when you visit will not spoil all your efforts so far.
- On the other hand, if the grandparent cannot be asked to help put your child to sleep on his back without a pillow and a doll in the crib, you should not allow him to look after your baby during naps or sleeps at night.
Step 8. Be clear about your expectations
Know that your children's grandparents can't read minds and know right away what you want from them.
- You've worked hard to form a daily habit and set of rules that work best for your child after doing a lot of research and consulting with a pediatrician. When your children are under the care of their grandparents, make sure you are specific and clear about your image of parenting to them.
- Similarly, when you want your children's grandparents to be a part of their life, you may not expect them to come every two days. If you want them to reduce the number of visits, explain: "Sir, Ma'am, we are glad you came, but on weekdays we are very busy. Can we get together on Saturday or Sunday this week?"
Step 9. Remember your primary role for your children
First and foremost, you are the protector of your children. If you ever feel that your child is in danger from interacting with anyone, including their grandparents, you must take steps to protect your children.
- There is no rule that states that we must maintain relationships with people who are rude just because they are related by blood.
- However, the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren has the potential to be one of immense reward and affection.
- Trying to surround your child with people who will love and protect them is also your job. Improving your own relationship with their grandparents will further foster the bond between grandparents and their grandchildren.
