The estrangement of relationships with adult children is very painful. Relationships can be repaired, but it takes time and patience. As a parent, realize that the first step in improving your relationship lies with you, by trying to make contact even if you're not sure you've made the mistake that pushed him away. Respect the boundaries and don't force them to enter. You also need to set your own boundaries. Learn to accept children as they are, and acknowledge their freedom and ability to make their own choices.
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Method 1 of 4: Contacting Children
Step 1. Know what went wrong
Before contacting your child, it may be a good idea to find out why he's hurt or angry with you. This information can be obtained directly from him or from other people who know the situation. In order to repair a relationship, you must first identify the problem.
- Once you have an idea, think about your next steps and what you want to communicate with your child.
- Call him and ask. You could say, “Reni, I know you don't want to talk to me right now, but I want to know what happened to you. Will you tell? If you don't want to talk, that's fine, but I hope you'll write me a message. You can't fix the problem if you don't know what the problem is."
- If you don't get a response, ask other family members or friends who may know what happened. For example, “Jo, have you talked to your sister recently? She doesn't want to talk to her, and she doesn't know what the problem is. You know what happened?”
- Even if you've tried your best to figure out the reasons behind the breakup, be aware that you may still not be able to figure out what's going on. However, don't let that stop you from trying to improve your relationship with your child.
Step 2. Try to reflect
Think about what reasons might keep your child away. Was he triggered by something from the past? Has there recently been a major life change that caused a rift (such as a death in the family, or the birth of a child)? Maybe you've been refusing to communicate with your child for a while, and now he's the one who doesn't want to communicate with you.
Remember that grown children become strangers to divorced parents. Children from failed marriages feel that their parents prioritize their own happiness over their children (even though divorce is the best option). Usually, in a divorce, one parent vilifies the other, not realizing that the child is absorbing whatever is said. Situations like this have a negative impact on the child-parent relationship going forward, especially if one parent has little or no contact as the child grows up. Children whose parents are divorced may be hurt because they feel they are not being prioritized
Step 3. Take the first step
Whoever is at fault, parents generally have to take the first step in trying to make amends with their child. Ignore the injustice of this situation and let go of the ego. If you want to reconnect with your child, realize that you have to lend a hand, and never pull back.
Regardless of the age of the child, 14 or 40 years old, he still wants to know that he is loved and appreciated by his parents. One way to show that you love and respect your child is to be willing to work hard to restore the harmonious relationship it used to be. Keep this in mind if you feel unfair that the burden of making up is on you
Step 4. Call the child
Even if you want to see each other right away, your child may feel more comfortable if you contact them via phone, text, or letter. Respect his need for distance and give him the opportunity to respond at a time of his own choosing. Be patient and wait a few days for a response.
- Practice what you want to say before calling. Also, be prepared to leave voice messages. You could say, “Tomi, I want to meet you to talk about how you feel. Would you like to meet dad sometime?”
- Send a text message or email. You could write something like, “I understand that you are very disappointed, and I'm sorry for hurting you. When you're ready, I hope you'll meet to talk about it. Please let me know when you are ready. I love and miss you."
Step 5. Write a letter
There is a possibility that the child is reluctant to meet. If that's the case, you can write a letter. Say that you're sorry for hurting him, and say that you understand why he's feeling this way.
- Writing letters is also therapeutic for you. What is written clarifies feelings and helps you regulate emotions. Plus, you can string words together as long as you need to get the result exactly how you want it.
- Suggest meeting when the child is ready. You could write, "I know you're angry right now, but I hope that one day we can meet and talk. Father's door is always open."
Step 6. Accept the limits he made
The child may be open to communicating, but may not be ready to meet face-to-face (and may never be). He may just want to email or talk on the phone. Don't make her feel guilty while you're trying to open up the chance to meet one day.
If you end up only communicating with your child via email, you might write, “I'm glad we can now communicate via email. I hope we'll get to a point where it's convenient to meet face-to-face, but there's no pressure on that."
Method 2 of 4: Having the First Conversation
Step 1. Arrange a meeting
If your child wants to talk directly, suggest eating together in a public place. Choosing a public place is a good idea because both of you will be holding back your emotions, and eating together is also a way to develop a relationship.
Make sure it's just the two of you. Don't bring a partner or other support. If there are other people, the child may feel ganged up on
Step 2. Let him lead the conversation
Listen to his complaints without arguing or defending himself. He may have come expecting an apology. If you feel that way, don't be afraid to say sorry.
Apologizing early on in the meeting may help let him know that you're aware you've hurt him, and create a "game of balance." After apologizing, you can ask him to talk about how he feels
Step 3. Listen to your child without judgment
Remember that his views are valid even if you disagree. Recovery can happen when he feels heard and understood, and that you are open to his point of view.
- Willingness to listen without judgment and self-defense will encourage children to be honest. What you hear may be very hurtful, but understand that he needs to speak up and let his feelings out.
- You could say, "I'm sorry I made you feel that way, and I want to understand that. Can you continue?”
Step 4. Admit mistakes
Understand that you can't make up completely if you don't admit that you contributed to the problem. Adult children want their parents to take responsibility for their actions. So show that you are willing to take responsibility, whether you believe you did something wrong or not.
- Even if you don't understand why your child is angry, admit that he is. Don't try to justify your behavior. Instead, listen and apologize for hurting him.
- Try to understand his point of view. Empathy doesn't mean agreeing, but showing that you understand his point of view. Understanding the other person's point of view is an important part of resolving conflict.
- You might say, "I know I pushed you too hard when you were a kid until you grew up. I just want you to be successful. I can understand if you think I'm never satisfied. That's not what it means, not at all. Now I can see why you feel that way."
Step 5. Resist the urge to discuss your own feelings
As unfair as it may seem, now is not the time to bring up your grief and pain at not being able to communicate with your own child. Realize that he needs time to process his emotions and put things in order. Talking about your sadness, anger, and disappointment will make your child think that you want to make him or her feel guilty, and will eventually be reluctant to repair the relationship.
- You could say, "I miss talking to you, but I know sometimes you need some alone time."
- Don't make complaints like, "I'm depressed because you haven't called" or "Do you know the torment I feel for not hearing from you?"
Step 6. Say you're sorry
A good apology should state what you did wrong (so he knows you understand), express regret, and offer a way to make amends. Say a sincere apology that admits his heartache. Remember, you still have to apologize even if you believe you did the right thing. The point now is to heal children's wounds, not to find out who is right and who is wrong.
- You could say, “Tina, I'm sorry for hurting you. I know you had to face a lot of problems when I was still drinking. I am very sorry for making so many mistakes in your childhood. I understand you want to keep your distance, but I hope we can fix it."
- Don't try to justify your actions when apologizing, even if you think you have a valid reason for doing so. For example, "I'm sorry I slapped you five years ago, but it was because you fought back," is not an apology and can actually make your child more defensive.
- Remember that a sincere and effective apology is based on your actions, not the other person's reaction. For example, say "Sorry, my behavior hurt you." However, “I'm sorry if your heart was hurt,” is not an apology. Never use "if".
Step 7. Consider family therapy
If your child agrees, you can go to family therapy with them to discuss your feelings in front of a professional. Marriage and family therapists will guide family members to identify behavioral dysfunctions and design solutions to problems. Family therapy also seeks to recognize and strengthen family bonds with one another.
- Family therapy is generally short-term and focuses on a single problem that is troubling the family. You or your child may be advised to see a separate therapist to focus on individual complaints.
- To find a marriage or family therapist, ask your doctor for a recommendation, check with a community service center or health department, or search the internet for a therapist near you.
Method 3 of 4: Respecting and Setting Boundaries
Step 1. Start slowly
Resist the urge to connect as if nothing ever happened. In most of the cases, a broken relationship cannot be repaired overnight. It can take weeks, months, or even years for the relationship to return to “normal”, depending on the severity of the root cause of the estrangement itself.
- Keep in mind that you may have to go through some tough conversations while both parties process your feelings. It is almost impossible for problems to be resolved and everything back to normal with just one talk.
- Add contacts gradually. At first, meet the child in a public place. Don't invite her to a big family event, like a birthday party, unless she seems ready and willing to come.
- You could say, “We'd love it if you wanted to come to the family gathering, but I understand if you don't want to. It's okay, I know you need time."
Step 2. Realize that your child is an adult
Now, he is an adult capable of making his own decisions. You may disagree with some of his decisions, but let him be independent and live his own life. Interfering with a grown child's life may actually keep him at a distance.
Don't offer unsolicited advice. Resist the urge to correct your child's life, and allow him to make mistakes
Step 3. Do not give advice on parenting, if she already has children of her own
Parents sometimes do not easily accept parenting advice from the outside even though it is well-intentioned. So don't offer your opinion unless asked. You've raised your own child, now give the next generation a chance to raise theirs.
Convey that you value and respect his principles and expectations in parenting. For example, if your grandson's time to watch TV is limited, tell his parents that you will also apply the rule in your home, or ask ahead of time if the rules need to be broken temporarily
Step 4. Find counseling for yourself
Trying to make amends with children is a difficult and painful part of life. You may need to enlist the help of a mental health professional to regulate your emotions and develop effective communication and problem-solving strategies.
- You may need to see a therapist who specializes in family matters. However, remember that the individual therapist may refer you to another therapist if you want to work with your child to resolve the problem with a counselor present. It is necessary for the counselor to remain objective.
- You can also seek help from online support group forums. You can find other people facing similar problems, and talk about problems and share success stories.
Step 5. Work diligently, but don't force it
If your child doesn't respond to your attempts to communicate, keep trying. Send a greeting card, write a letter, or leave a voice message, to let him know that you're thinking of him and want to talk.
- Make sure you give him space, and respect the distance and privacy he needs. Call him no more than once a week, and cut back if you know your efforts are bothering him. However, don't stop.
- You could say, “Hello Marisa, I just wanted to say hi and say that I'm thinking of you. I hope you are well. Miss you. You can call mom anytime you want to talk. I love you, baby."
- Don't try to visit it. Respect boundaries and maintain less intrusive contact.
Step 6. Let go, if it's better that way
An adult child may think your attempts to contact them are too much and too much, even if you don't insist. He may still not want you back into his life even though you've apologized and regretted it. In that case, it might be best to give it up for your own mental health, and step back.
- Leave the final act to him. Send a message or leave a voice message that says something like, “Pras, I know you want me to stop contacting you. Even if it's sad, dad will appreciate it and won't call again after this. If at any time you want to call dad, dad is here. Father loves you."
- Remember that reconciliation may be difficult in cases involving alcohol or drug abuse, mental illness, or an unhealthy relationship in a child marriage (for example, your child is married to an overly controlling person). The estrangement may just be the result of the problem, but you may not be able to do anything about it until your child has resolved the root cause.
- If your child asks to stay out of touch at all, consider finding a therapist to help you deal with the grief. Rejection from a child is very difficult to deal with, and you may need additional support.
Method 4 of 4: Accepting Children As They Are
Step 1. Accept that your child sees life from a different perspective
You may have lived in the same house and spent a lot of time together, but one person's perception is still very different from another's. Acknowledge that the child's memory or perspective is as valid as yours.
- People's views differ greatly depending on age, power dynamics, or closeness of the relationship. For example, moving cities may be great for you, but your child has a hard time because he or she has no choice but to follow suit.
- Separation reality is part of family life. For example, when you were a child, your parents took you to a museum. Their memories of those days may be interesting exhibits and exciting family events. What you remember may be the heat in your jacket and that dinosaur bones scare you. Your memory and that of your parents are both valid, the only difference is the point of view.
Step 2. Accept each other's differences
Relationships may be strained because one or both parties disagree with the other's life choices. Even though you may not be able to change your child's attitude, show that you accept them for who they are, no matter what happens.
- Take steps to show that you've changed. For example, if you previously didn't approve of him becoming an artist, try learning the beauty of art and taking art classes for yourself.
- You could also say that you are reading a certain book to try to understand his point of view.
- If your child stays away because they don't agree with your life choices, it will be more difficult. You have to be firm and confident, but still show that you love him. Try your best to keep in touch and look for opportunities to meet him.
Step 3. Respect his right to disagree with you
You don't have to change opinions or beliefs, but never show you don't value them. You can still respect and love someone even if you don't agree with their choice. Opinions don't always have to be the same.
- Respect different views as much as possible. If you are religious and your child is not, you may choose not to go to church on the weekends he visits.
- Look for topics of conversation other than issues that can cause debate. If your child starts to talk about a topic that used to be a source of contention, you can say, “Win, it's better if we don't talk about that now. I think every time we talk about it, it's just an argument."
