We all want to avoid a painful breakup, especially when it doesn't really need to be. But how can you learn to distinguish between minor obstacles and serious obstacles in a relationship? How to get through it well? Read on to find out how to solve the problem and build a stable, lasting relationship.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Knowing the Problems in Your Relationship
Step 1. Realize that you have a problem and want to solve it
Feelings of disappointment or distance from your partner may be signs of a problem that can and cannot be overcome. Do you often imagine that you are dating someone else? Do you feel relieved when you are alone? Do you feel your partner has changed? You don't feel close to him anymore? More fights?
Step 2. Distinguish between small problems and big problems
It's important to recognize that major obstacles in a relationship, such as emotional or physical abuse, may not be repairable. It's not the best choice to make something better if it can't be done that way. Part of that is learning to tell the difference between "squabbling" and "fighting."
- Disputes are differences of opinion. While you may also feel angry, raise your voice, and feel irritated, the focus of the argument is on a specific issue or issue. You may have a disagreement with your partner about who should do the dishes, for example. While this may sound personal -- you may actually have a different opinion about your responsibilities -- your bickering stays focused on the issue at hand. However, such a problem, is a problem that can be fixed.
- Quarrels are personal. When you have a fight with someone, more emotions are involved, and these emotions control your responses and actions. If a short comment about your partner not washing the dishes quickly turns into yelling accusations of infidelity, or if you routinely and knowingly anger your partner, this is a sign of a deep, deep problem that may not be fixed.
- If at one time an argument between you and your partner turns into a physical attack, this should receive more attention because it indicates a very serious problem. It is almost impossible to mend a physically abusive relationship.
Step 3. State your problem
In order to be able to discuss this issue with your partner and try to start fixing it, clearly stating your problem will be very helpful. Starting a serious conversation about your relationship can be very difficult when all you say is "I'm not happy, but I don't know why."
- Writing down your feelings can help. Write down times in your relationship that made you feel unhappy, uncomfortable, or frustrated. Write down certain things your partner did that made you feel that way.
- Use the sentence structure "When we_ I feel _." This should get you started. Try to avoid putting the entire blame on your partner by making "you" sentences. Instead of using the phrase "When you prefer to spend time with your friends and not with me, I feel lonely." It's better to express it with "When we can't spend time together, I feel unwanted."
- If, for example, you were given 10 minutes of superpowers, write a list of things you would like to change in your relationship. This can be an enlightening exercise as to what is really making you feel dissatisfied. Distinguish between "I want him to be less competitive" and "I want to learn from his unyielding nature."
Step 4. Prioritize
Sort the list of problems you've identified by their importance to you and your partner's emotions. Write down what you and your partner have in each problem. Try to be honest.
- Are you afraid of appearing weak so you don't share and open up with your partner? This problem is the opposite of feeling frustrated because your partner touched something you didn't like in you and embarrassed you. Do you react, blame and criticize your partner because you want to be right and don't want to be wrong? Try asking yourself this question before talking to your partner.
- Ultimately, you need to weigh in on whether you can tolerate the annoying part of your partner versus their desire to change and create a loving environment to discuss those feelings. Both parties in a relationship need to see what's good and bad about their own relationship. You will also expect the same loving behavior from them, the same space from them, and the same honesty.
Part 2 of 3: Fixing Your Problem
Step 1. Make a serious effort to discuss the problem with your partner
The crux of many problems in a relationship is actually a communication failure. If you don't say what's bothering you, there's no way you can fix it.
- Make an appointment to talk. Especially if you are busy with school, work, or children, you should make time to talk. Turn off your cell phone, don't talk while watching TV, and avoid anything that can distract you. If you need all night, then talk all night. Similarly, don't start a serious conversation when your partner is uncomfortable or they feel attacked. Say calmly, "Can we talk together tomorrow? I think we should sort this out."
- Listen actively. Look at your partner while he or she is talking. Don't be busy with your phone even if you feel frustrated. Don't interrupt when your partner is talking. Respect your partner, and show polite behavior when your partner gets emotional.
- If you find it difficult to speak seriously without raising your voice, try talking in a park or restaurant where yelling would be embarrassing.
Step 2. Decide to change together
Your relationship is one package. If while discussing the problem, it becomes clear that your partner cannot understand or chooses to ignore the problem you have discovered, and your partner does not want to change his or her role in dealing with the problem, then it may be time to end the relationship. But if you've come to an agreement and share a desire to change for the better, then you're ready to start the healing process.
Step 3. Make your relationship a priority
One of the biggest problems in a relationship is lack of attraction. In the end, the person you spent hours with may not be as attractive as they used to be. But learning to rekindle that attraction is the key to a lasting relationship.
Do what you used to do at the beginning of your relationship. Compliment each other, make date plans, and exchange gifts. Always remember to express your gratitude by saying when you feel loved
Step 4. Separate workloads clearly
Unequal feelings can arise in long-term relationships. If one partner feels overworked and unappreciated, this can trigger an argument.
Write down homework assignments and bills and assign them to each person so that responsibilities are clearly divided. If you always have to drive or take public transportation to visit your partner, do something so you can change this routine
Step 5. Rekindle the intimacy of your relationship
Sexual problems will eventually affect most relationships, but couples who love each other can overcome these problems with honest and trusting communication. Spending time on this issue and learning about your own sexuality and that of your partner is an important part of a long-term relationship.
- Let your partner know what makes you feel good. When everyday gets a little boring, you need to tell your partner and plan something else. Give an idea of something you want to do or get excited about and share it with your partner. Talking about sex can be uncomfortable, but writing it down can reduce that feeling.
- Spontaneous. If you can only be alone at certain times, skip the office once in a while and come to your partner's office for quick sex.
Part 3 of 3: Keeping the Peace
Step 1. Follow the state of your relationship
Every few months, you may need to assess some things in your relationship. You may need to take another look at the issues you talked about. If your problem improves, you need to state it. If you're really trying to change but your partner isn't, then it's time to talk again.
Step 2. Make plans for the future
If you decide to work on your relationship and take active steps to fix your problems and stay together, then you need to come up with a plan. After a while, your personal ambitions will shift away from your partner and keep you caught between yours and your partner's ambitions.
- If you're planning to apply for a big job in New York for example, next year, this is something you need to talk about. If you are planning to get married next year and have children, this is also something your partner needs to know.
- Talk about things that could break your relationship. If your partner is really trying to be a forest firefighter and you don't know if you can accept it, then you need to let him know. If you don't want to date a smoker and your partner starts smoking, make it clear to him or her.
Step 3. Don't be afraid of ultimatums
If a partner's behavior pattern, such as smoking or drinking, says it's ending your relationship, let them know. If your partner's drinking is causing an argument and your partner doesn't seem to want to break the habit, issue an ultimatum: "I don't think this relationship can continue if you're still drinking in the next three months." If your partner really means it, and you're honest about the behavior that's causing your relationship problems, then this ultimatum might work.
Ultimatums should be used with caution. You can't change everything you don't like about your partner, and you shouldn't try. What you are trying to do is give them a chance to stop something that could end your relationship
Step 4. Avoid doing things just to please your partner
You want to make your partner feel good, of course. But changing your behavior and sacrificing a part of yourself to save the relationship is unfair to you and will only prolong an unhealthy relationship that might be better off ending. Learn to be yourself and part of your partner for your relationship to work.
