Anyone will be hurt when they find out their partner is having an affair. Betrayal is the greatest breach of trust and is sometimes difficult to confront. Before taking any steps, make sure you have solid evidence. Decide when and how you want to talk about the matter. Try to stay calm. Express your feelings and decide what to do next based on the wishes of both parties. If you decide to split up, ask friends and family for support. If you want to survive, grow trust again between you and your partner.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Deciding How to Confront Your Partner
Step 1. Make sure you have proof
Do not engage in any confrontation without evidence. Even if you believe your partner is cheating on you, he or she may be inclined to lie or become defensive if you are just making accusations. So, look for the evidence first.
- See if there is anything to substantiate your suspicions. For example, confirmation from a friend. Or, you find solid evidence when cleaning the house.
- Evidence can also make you more relaxed. Confrontation is of course uncomfortable. However, you will be more at ease if your reasons for acting are convincing.
Step 2. Plan the confrontation
Don't come angry and start yelling at your partner. While wild confrontation can be a relief at times, the results tend to be detrimental. To get to the point of confrontation, you must have a plan.
- Choose a time and place to talk. Find a time that won't be interrupted by outside commitments. For example, on weekends when you and he both have free time.
- Try to present evidence, not ask questions. Cheating people are more likely to lie than confess. So plan to start the conversation by saying, "Your sister told me what happened. I know you're having an affair."
Step 3. Think about what you want
Before you speak, you must have a goal. You can't predict your partner's reaction or what he or she wants, but know what to expect from this confrontation.
- What is your goal? Are you still looking for direction in your relationship, or have you decided to end it?
- In addition, you may also have questions and ask for an explanation. You may want to know why he cheated on you and if he wants to improve the relationship. For example, ask "Why are you looking for someone else when I'm here?"
Step 4. Write down your thoughts
Prepare for what you are going to say. Write down whatever you think before speaking. In difficult conversations, sometimes it is not easy to put what is in the heart and mind into words. So, you should have formulated your thoughts before asking your partner to talk.
- Think about how you feel. What's the best way to express it? What is the best way to explain feelings? Try to figure out the answer as you write your thoughts down on paper.
- Also, think again about what you want. Do you have an end goal for this conversation? If so, write them down too.
Part 2 of 3: Talking
Step 1. Find the right time
Approach your partner at the right time. Infidelity confrontation is a serious conversation. Don't pick a busy time.
- Ask him when he can talk. You can also set the time. For example, "If you can, I'd like to talk tomorrow after dinner."
- Then, remove the distractions. Make sure electronic devices such as TVs and cell phones are turned off. Such conversations should be carried out with full attention.
Step 2. Expect nothing
Let go of all expectations regarding the course of this conversation. Expectations will affect attitudes and reduce calm. Talking about infidelity can be very emotionally draining. If you imagine your partner will be angry or defensive, you will feel tense yourself.
Instead, take advantage of your ignorance. Think, "I don't know." When the conversation starts, remember, "I don't know what happened. I don't know how he's going to react."
Step 3. Be calm
It is very important to remain calm if you want to deal with this problem properly. You definitely have questions that need answers and problems that need to be solved. In order to achieve that goal, you must not lose control.
- Take a deep breath before speaking. Maybe you need to vent your emotions first so that they are no longer tight in your chest, by sharing them with other people or in a diary.
- Emotions are certainly not wrong. You can cry or be angry. However, don't let your emotions stop you from speaking effectively. Emotions can also be vented after the conversation is over.
Step 4. Use "I" statements
The "I" statement is structured in such a way that it doesn't sound judgmental. With this statement, you are not conveying objective truth, but emphasizing your own feelings. There are three parts to the "I" statement. First, it starts with "I feel…" followed by how you feel. Then, describe what kind of behavior made you feel that way. Finally, explain why you feel that way.
- For example, you are angry and sad. Those feelings may prompt you to say things like, "You don't respect me at all by playing behind my back instead of telling me frankly that you like someone else. We could have worked this out if you had just spoken."
- The words can be rearranged using the "I" statement. For example, "I feel unappreciated with your infidelity because if you just wanted to tell him you liked him, we could sort this out."
Step 5. Discuss the reasons he cheated on you
Infidelity is caused by one thing or another. Usually, the fault is not only on one side, but there may be an underlying relationship problem. Discuss the problem to find out what to do next. This is very important if you both still want to save the relationship.
- Spouses may hesitate to say the reason honestly. The factors that lead to infidelity are very sensitive, and he may not want to hurt your feelings. However, any factor must be resolved in a healthy way.
- Discuss the reasons for infidelity with the right mindset. Don't assume that all of this is just the couple's fault. Both parties must work together to find out what went wrong and determine if the error can be corrected.
Part 3 of 3: Moving Forward
Step 1. Decide if you want to stay
The problem of infidelity is not unsolvable. There are many couples who have made it through. However, betrayal is a huge trust issue. After a confrontation, you may find that the relationship is not worth saving.
- Remember, you need to know a lot about this situation before you can make a smart decision. During the confrontation, find out as many facts about the relationship as you can about your partner.
- Don't decide right away. Think for a few days and weigh the pros and cons. The decision to stay or not after being betrayed is not an easy one. Think as long as you need.
Step 2. Solve this problem together, if that's what you want
If you decide to stay together, both parties must commit to fixing the problem. Try to get rid of guilt and anger. Continue a new chapter as two people looking to improve themselves and their relationship.
- Shared commitment will convince the betrayed party, as well as encourage the betrayer. Build the foundation of a new relationship.
- Realize that it will take more time to restore trust and intimacy. Make some rules about things, like communication. For example, it is better if the matter of infidelity is no longer directly mentioned. You could say, "I think we should try to keep the relationship normal. I don't want us to mention this affair again unless it's absolutely necessary."
Step 3. Get tested for sexually transmitted diseases
Stay or split, you will have to undergo a test for sexually transmitted diseases. You are at risk of contracting it if your partner has sex with other people. Visit a doctor for a full test.
Step 4. Ask others for help
You need emotional support when your partner betrays you. If you want to share your feelings, find your friends and family.
- Remember, don't hold grudges. You don't have to spread negativity from your ex. Focus on yourself and your feelings, it's better than complaining about him. Talk about your own feelings, such as "I'm so hurt," not "He hurt me, he's such an asshole."
- Whatever your decision, stay or separate, the support of others is just as important. After being betrayed, you deserve to be cared for, loved and supported.
Step 5. Consider therapy
If you decide to keep the relationship, counseling can help. A qualified counselor will help you and your partner resolve issues and restore a healthy relationship. Ask for a counselor's recommendation from a doctor or insurance company.
