Dealing with a cheating spouse can possibly be one of the most difficult things you will ever do. There's no right answer when it comes to deciding whether you want to fix it or not. What you can do is communicate with your partner, listen to yourself, and decide if your relationship is worth saving or not. If you decide you want to fix it, then you have to live with the things that are happening now without worrying about the future while remembering to take care of yourself.
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Method 1 of 3: Knowing What Not to Do
Step 1. Don't beat yourself up
Your spouse's reasons for cheating may not always be obvious, and you may find it natural to blame yourself. Maybe you think you've grown tenuous, or aren't very willing in bed. Maybe work overwhelms you and doesn't allow enough time for relationships. However, these may be reasons your relationship needs more effort, but you need to know that nothing you did made your spouse cheat on you, and you shouldn't blame yourself for your spouse's mistakes.
- Of course, you may be wrong for certain issues in the relationship, and it's important to admit that. However, you should never think, that some of your mistakes make your life partner's infidelity okay.
- If you focus too much on blaming yourself, then it will let your life partner get away with it. It is important for you to focus on the behavior of your spouse as well.
Step 2. Don't obsess over third people
If you want to drive yourself crazy as quickly as possible, then you can ask a million questions about that man or woman, spend hours stalking that person's Facebook profile, or even try to catch a glimpse of this person in person. You might think that knowing everything about this person can help you figure out what's wrong with your relationship, but in reality, this won't give you the answer, even if it will cause you a lot of pain.
- When a spouse is having an affair, it rarely involves a third person. Unless the life partner thinks he or she is actually starting a meaningful relationship with a third person, it is, for the most part, just an expression of the person's discontent with the affair with himself or the marriage. If you focus too much on other men or women, then you will not think about your life partner or relationship.
- While knowing a few things about an affair can calm you down, you may not want to know too much about the person's appearance, what their job is, or other details that might annoy you or make you feel uncomfortable. This is not worth doing.
Step 3. Don't try to rationalize
Although you may think that you will be able to move forward if you can find a logical explanation for why the affair occurred, such as the fact that your husband has felt powerless since he lost his job, or that a third person has come to your wife so much that she can't resist., there's no point in trying to make sense out of bullshit. Accept that you are hurt and you need to find a way to let go, but don't think that making excuses for your spouse is the way to get there.
What was going through your spouse's mind when he or she decided to cheat may defy logic. Don't spend too much time trying to think of a perfect reason why this happened and instead try to move forward
Step 4. Don't tell the whole world
You may feel very hurt and very angry, and may get the urge to tell the rest of your family, your closest friends, or even post it on social media to really get your feelings out. However, if there's a chance that you're willing to make up and fix it, then you're going to have to deal with people looking at your partner and relationship differently for the rest of your life. Instead of telling everyone you know, only talk to people close to you who you think can really help you figure this out.
- After you tell everyone about what happened, you may feel relieved at first, but that may be followed by some pain and regret. You may not realize that you are not ready for everyone's advice or judgment.
- If you tell your close friends about your spouse's infidelity, make sure you do so carefully if you're not sure what you want to do about it. If your friends think you will definitely leave your spouse, then they may tell you 1,000 things they never liked about him or her, and this will not make you feel any better and may lead to overall awkwardness. if you choose to stay in the relationship.
Step 5. Don't obsess over what your friends and family think
And by not telling everyone you know what happened, you shouldn't worry about what other people think about this affair. While people close to you can give you useful advice, at the end of the day, it's all about what's best for you, and you shouldn't be asking yourself what everyone will think if you decide to leave or stay in the relationship. When everything is considered, it doesn't matter what everyone thinks, and you shouldn't let other people's judgment cloud your decision-making process.
Talking to people close to you can help you gain strength and a new perspective on your situation. But in the end, know that their opinion can never replace yours
Step 6. Don't take big steps before contemplating
While you may think that you want to pack your things or kick your spouse out of the house the second you find out about the affair, you need more time to think about this. You can definitely spend time away from your spouse, but avoid saying you want a divorce or taking drastic steps right away. Give yourself time to reflect on what happened and what was best for you and your relationship instead of doing something you'll regret later.
While it can be a good thing to decide to spend some time apart right away, you should avoid saying you want a divorce as soon as you hear the news; although this may be your instinct telling you what to do, wait until your head is clear before you decide this for good
Step 7. Don't punish your life partner
While it may feel good to be mean to your spouse, take things they love, or even have an affair yourself in return, this kind of behavior won't get you very far and won't help you move your relationship forward. While you can be hurtful, cold to your spouse, distanced for a while, you shouldn't actively make him or her feel worse, or both of you will end up feeling really bad.
Punishing your life partner will only fill you with more bitterness and will make your relationship feel even worse. It's okay to spend some time apart and be colder and distant than normal, but being actively violent isn't going to make anything any better
Method 2 of 3: Taking the First Step
Step 1. Make your wish
You should take some time to think about what you want from your spouse before you start a conversation with him or her. Don't just start talking about the affair and move on to crying and making up. It's a good idea to spend some time formulating a game plan so that your spouse knows what you expect from him if he wants the relationship to continue. This shouldn't feel like punishment, but more like a plan to move forward together.
- Let your partner know what he has to do for you to continue the relationship. This could include going to counseling together and possibly separately, taking concrete steps to rediscover the things you guys enjoy doing together, making time to communicate each night, or sleeping in separate rooms until you feel comfortable sharing space again.
- If you are thinking about getting a divorce, you may want to keep a lawyer as early as you can. The sooner you do this, the better bidding position you will have.
Step 2. Give it time
Even if you feel completely ready to forgive your spouse or for things to return to normal, you should know that it will take a long time to regain the feelings of trust and love you once had for your spouse. Even if you're both determined to make things right, it can take a long time for everything to feel, lack of better, "normal" words again, and for you to feel like the person you're marrying. This is very natural. If you try to rush along the way you may run into trouble.
- You won't be able to forgive your partner or feel like everything is back to normal overnight. It can take months, or even years, to rebuild that trust.
- You have to take it slow too. It may take days for you to feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed with your partner again, going out to dinner with him or her, or enjoying doing the things you love to do together. Be prepared for it.
Step 3. Get your feelings out
Let your partner know how you feel. Tell him about the anger, pain, betrayal, and pain he has caused you. Don't put up a wall and act like it's no big deal; let him really see your pain and hear how you feel. If you're not honest and open about what you're going through, then you can never really move forward together. While you may feel embarrassed or afraid to reveal your true feelings, it's important that you do this.
- If you are nervous about dealing with your spouse or not saying everything you want to say, you can write down all the things you want to share. That way, you won't get hung up on the current situation and forget the important points you want to make.
- If you feel too emotional to have a conversation about what happened, give it a few days or wait long enough to feel comfortable talking about it as honestly as possible. Of course, the conversation may never feel comfortable at all, but you can take the time to get used to it and be confident if you need to. However, you may not want to delay this conversation for too long.
Step 4. Ask the questions you want answers to
You may want some clarity on what your cheating partner is doing. If you want to piece together how this has happened, then you can ask questions about how many times this has happened, when it happened, how it started, or even how your husband and wife felt about this person. However, if you want any chance of this relationship lasting, then you should think twice before asking about details that you are better off not knowing.
Ask any questions you think will help you better understand where your relationship stands. However, try to avoid asking questions that are just to satisfy your curiosity; the answer could be too painful
Step 5. On the test
As embarrassing as it may sound, as soon as you find out your spouse is cheating on you, you both need to get tested right away. You don't know what disease a third person might have, and you don't know if it has passed on to you. While your spouse may argue that this isn't necessary, this is what you should do to make sure you're both safe.
Going through this process will also help your spouse understand the gravity of his or her actions. Sleeping with someone else while also sleeping with you puts you at risk, and it's important to acknowledge that
Step 6. Listen to your spouse
While you will feel hurt, overwhelmed, betrayed, angry, and a host of other emotions you want to let out, it's also important to sit down and listen to your spouse. You may feel like listening to him is the last thing you want to do, but if you want clarity and move the relationship forward, then you have to hear his side of the story. You may learn about new feelings or frustrations that you didn't know your partner had.
It's unfair to think he doesn't deserve to tell his side of the story or have feelings in all of this. While you may not feel ready to deal with your partner's feelings, you must allow him to express himself if you want to move forward
Step 7. Improve your communication every day
Once you and your spouse have started to talk about cheating, you can work to improve communication channels. Make sure to be open and honest, talk regularly, and avoid being passive aggressive as much as possible. While this may seem impossible after what your husband and wife have done, it's important to communicate if you want things to get better.
- Once you intend to do so, make a point of meeting each day, removing all distractions, and talking about how your relationship is doing. If you find it exhausting and just replaying old feelings, then you should try to talk more about the present and future than the past.
- It is important that you and your spouse check with each other to see how you are feeling. This is the time to be alert and focused on your relationship. If you do not have strong communication, then it is difficult to move forward.
- Try to express your feelings with “I” statements, such as saying, “I feel sad when you don't greet me after you get home from work,” instead of using “you” statements, such as, “You never pay attention to me after you get home from work, “which sounds more accusatory.
Step 8. Decide if you want to try to fix it
Of course, once you start talking about infidelity, you have to make an important decision: do you think you can finally forgive your husband and wife and have a healthy relationship again, or do you think there's no way this will work? It's important to be honest with yourself and think about whether or not your relationship is worth saving. The most important thing is to take the space and time you need to really reflect before you make any hasty decisions.
- If you've spoken to your spouse, expressed your feelings, and heard his side of the story while feeling like you've taken a little time to reflect on your feelings, then you can begin to decide whether or not you want to try to make things right.
- If you decide you want to fix it, then be prepared to put in a lot of effort. If you know this is over for you, then it's time to take steps to get a divorce. If this is the path for you, then you should look for the laws in your state and/or state - they tend to vary quite a bit.
Method 3 of 3: Rebuilding Your Relationship
Step 1. Do what is best for you
Unfortunately, no magazine, friend, family member, or doctor can tell you what decision is best for you-or for your family. If there are children involved, then your decision becomes even more complicated. While you may think there's only one right answer, when everything is considered, you should be honest with yourself and see what your heart is really telling you. It can take a long time to find the truth, but the most important thing is that you acknowledge that no one can tell you what to do or what to feel-especially not your spouse.
This can be an intimidating thought, as it will likely take you some time to figure out the answer. But if there's something your instincts have told you, then you better listen
Step 2. Make the choice to forgive
Remember that forgiveness is actually a choice; it's not something that happened or didn't happen. If you are willing to forgive your spouse, or even try to forgive him or her, then you must firmly make the choice to do so. Forgiveness won't just fall into your or her lap, and you need to work on getting there. The first step is to accept that you will try to work on it.
Be honest with your spouse about this. Don't let your desire to forgive or not to forgive remains a mystery. Let him know that you're really trying to work it out
Step 3. Spend time together that has nothing to do with infidelity
If you want to start rebuilding your relationship, then you and your husband and wife need to spend some quality time together that has nothing to do with the fact that your husband and wife cheated on you. Try to do things you used to love doing together and avoid places that remind you of the affair. Try to start from the ground up, making sure your relationship has a solid foundation through daily activities before you move forward too quickly.
You can even find new activities, like hiking or cooking, to do together. This can help you see your relationship in a different light. But, make sure you don't feel like your spouse is suffering through it or trying too hard
Step 4. Take care of yourself
When you are dealing with a cheating spouse, you may feel as though your last priority is taking care of yourself. You may be too busy experiencing a storm of complicated emotions than to think about things like eating three meals a day, getting out in the sun, and making sure you get enough rest. However, if you want to stay strong during this tough time and have the energy to work on your relationship, then this is the right thing to do. Here are a few things to keep in mind:
- Try to get at least 7-8 hours of sleep every night. If you are unable to sleep because you are disturbed by your spouse sleeping next to you, you should feel comfortable discussing alternative sleeping arrangements.
- Try to eat healthy three times a day. While you're prone to eating more unhealthy foods, such as sugary snacks, because you're stressed, you should try to stay healthy to keep your spirits up. Fatty foods can make you feel sluggish.
- Try to get at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. This time the exercise is good for your body and mind and can give you time to be alone and not think about the affair.
- Write in a diary. Try to write at least a few times a week to spend time connecting with your thoughts.
- Don't isolate yourself. Spend time with your friends and family to feel calm inside.
Step 5. Seek counselling
While counseling isn't for everyone, you and your spouse should try it if you're trying to improve. You may find this very embarrassing or too overwhelming for you, but it can actually be a great way to create a safe space for you and your partner and for you to truly feel comfortable sharing your feelings. Find a counselor you can trust and be sure to put your all into it during your session.
If this is important to you, make it clear to your spouse that this is non-negotiable. Your partner has broken your trust, and he should be able to do this for you
Step 6. Reconcile your children
If you have children, dealing with your cheating spouse will be even more complicated. Your children will likely feel tension in your home, and it's best to be open and honest with them about the fact that you and your spouse have issues. While you don't necessarily have to go into great detail, let them know that you love them and that you and your spouse are doing your best to work things out.
- If you are thinking about ending the relationship, don't let your spouse use your children to make you feel guilty to continue this difficult situation. While he may argue that your children would be better off with two parents in the house, this is not the case if the two parents are always fighting or don't care about each other anymore.
- Make time for them, even when you are dealing with this tough situation. Being with your kids can make you feel stronger too.
Step 7. Knowing when it's over
If you've been trying to make things right and can't see yourself forgiving your partner or moving on, then it may be time to end the relationship. Don't become frustrated at yourself for not being able to forgive your spouse, even though he or she has worked hard to win back your trust; some things remain unforgivable. If you find that you just can't go on with the relationship and feel like you've been working on trying to fix it, then it's time to make a decision and let go.
- Don't be angry or frustrated with yourself if you feel you just can't forgive. You've tried, and your partner is the one who broke your trust in the first place.
- If you have been able to let go, then you should not feel ashamed of yourself for "giving up". You have made the choice that you feel is best for your relationship and family, and no one should be judging that.
Tips
- One thing you can try is to get his or her cell phone for just a few moments and pick a number or two that seem unfamiliar and try to call them on a private number. See who answered.
- Most likely the number won't have a name, just a number to steer you away from a specific boy or girl name.
Warning
- Don't be jealous and make him think you've been looking for any info, or thinking anything out of the ordinary. You can try asking him a genuine question first.
- Don't look too inquisitive when you talk to him, you'll steer him away from whatever you're really trying to unravel.
