Sometimes, letting go seems like the easy thing to do. But think about it: you've invested a lot of time and energy in other people (and maybe the kids), you've made solemn promises, you know there's still love, even if it's hidden beneath the surface. This article will show you how to save your marriage and avoid divorce, even if you are the only one trying. If you want to relive the happy times in your marriage and throw away the bad times, keep reading for a discussion of how to do it.
Step
Method 1 of 3: Finding What's Wrong
Step 1. Try to figure out what went wrong
You can't move forward if you don't know what's standing in your way. Most relationships, and humans, have flaws, and perhaps those deficiencies hinder a healthy relationship. Your job is to reflect and assess what you think is wrong. Here are some examples:
- Growing incompatibility. Work, family, stress, finances and other things that modern life throws at it can cause people to reveal their true nature. Are husband and wife in the real world very different from the fairy tale version?
- Disloyalty. Does the guilt of cheating weigh on you or your partner? Did confession make things explode all of a sudden?
- Lack of communication. What you say cannot be processed by your partner, and what your partner says cannot be processed by you. Maybe neither of you said anything.
- The death of a loved one. Your world or your partner's world changes and will never be the same after someone close to you dies, and you can't go back to your previous life.
- Money. One is very extravagant and the other is very frugal, and the two cannot meet. Or maybe growing financial problems are biting home life in a negative way.
- sex. If sex is a physical symbol of your love for each other, the withering away of that physical symbol of love will be depressing both physically and emotionally.
Step 2. Find out if something wrong can be fixed
Trying to save a shipwreck is a very natural response, but what if the ship is so damaged it's not worth saving? No one can make this decision for you, but know that certain flaws in a person or a relationship may not be worth trying to save.
Know that people rarely change. People often say they will change, but rarely do they do. Once they feel comfortable, usually they will return to their former self. It's not impossible for a person to completely change, but it's rare
Step 3. Open communication with your partner
Seek information from him about what he thinks can improve the relationship. When having this difficult conversation with your partner, keep a few things in mind:
- Don't accuse. Accusing him of something only provoked fire. Instead of saying "I thought you'd take care of it, that's why I'm mad that it didn't happen," you can say "We know nobody's perfect. I just thought you'd take care of it, so I was surprised when it didn't."
- Count to three before you answer. Oftentimes, we are driven to fight rather than listen to what other people really have to say. Count to three before you answer, think about what your partner said. Calmness and patience on your part will yield the same results on his part.
Step 4. Find a marriage counselor (optional)
Wedding counselors, while expensive, offer a nuanced look at the beat of your wedding. An advisor may be able to identify what went wrong from a safe distance but have adequate information. Since a counselor has no interest in this, so to speak, he or she is less likely to lie, take shortcuts, or forget uncomfortable facts. A marriage counselor might be able to save your marriage.
Step 5. Test for changes
Is your partner really unwilling to change? If so, it may be difficult to create the changes you want in your relationship. If you're not sure, do a test to see if your partner is willing to make the changes needed to save the marriage. Again, it's hard to help people who don't want to be helped. You can do the test by:
- Ask your partner if he or she would like to see a marriage counselor.
- Ask your partner if he or she loves you as much, if not more, than he did on your wedding day.
- Ask your partner if he or she is willing to make sacrifices, along with you, to make the relationship work.
Method 2 of 3: Putting the Pieces Together
Step 1. Create a safe space for this communication
Very often, a marriage begins to fall apart because both parties forget how to communicate, feel insecure or embarrassed to communicate, or think they are communicating when they are not. In order to establish proper communication, think about:
- Set aside a time in the day for you and your partner to get together and talk. No sex, no kids, no TV, no work. Just talk. When you want to talk about your problems, talk about them. If you want to talk about the day you had, talk about it. Taking time to talk will lubricate the wheels and encourage deeper communication.
- Let your partner vent his feelings. Sometimes, your partner just wants to get the weight off his chest, he doesn't want analysis, he doesn't want clues, he just wants a pair of ears and a shoulder to lean on.
Step 2. Don't use threats as bargains
Threats are often seen as things that only make things worse. Threats don't mean you're a bad person, it means you've learned a bad habit, something you should change. The problem is that threats push people to do the right things for the wrong reasons. Your partner should not try to save the marriage because you threaten to leave him, your partner should want to save the marriage because they really love you.
Step 3. Learn how to argue effectively, with humility
Disputes in marriage are bound to happen. Couples who persevere and build their love have the ability to work through personal problems, put themselves in their partner's shoes, and learn from mistakes. If you want to save a marriage, both you and your partner must learn how to argue the right way.
- Don't dig into the past. It's tempting to bring up what happened 14 years ago as evidence that your partner was wrong or inappropriate. This is off the mark. The point is not to "win" the argument, but to get your partner to hear your point and maybe change their behavior. If you keep bringing up your partner's old mistakes, they will feel attacked rather than engaging in discussion. This is when the debate begins to drag in the wrong direction.
- Do not use ad hominem attacks. An ad hominem attack is when you attack someone (their physical, emotional, psychological) and not their ideas. Sometimes, a trait has to be criticized and dealt with. But most of the time, it feels like a serious punch and leads to swearing rather than uniting.
Step 4. Say what you do and do what you say (and expect the same from your partner)
Relationships are about trust. Trust is earned when expectations are met, and when action is realized. When you say you will do something, do it. Failure to embody your words causes your partner to believe that your words are just empty words. This causes a breakdown of trust.
Step 5. Learn how to celebrate success and sympathize with failure
Life is full of ups and downs, just as everyone has strengths and weaknesses. In failed marriages, we too often use our partner's failure as an opportunity to secretly enjoy and forget about our partner's success because we thought we had to. What could a husband or wife want more than to have their loved ones by their side in difficult times and share happiness in good times?
If the idea of celebrating your partner's successes and regretting your partner's failures sounds strange to you, take a step back and think about what you want from your marriage. Most happy husbands and wives admit that they feel happy when their partner is happy and sad when they are not
Step 6. Go to separate for some time
Falling in love again will feel great, but sometimes the freedom we crave is lost along the way. Very often, all we need is an hour or two of alone time to immerse ourselves in something we love deeply, be it gardening, repairing a car, or reading a book. When one person in a marriage feels constrained, they will inflict the discomfort on their partner, and there is no chance this will bring happiness. During reconciliation time, set aside time to do things you both love, to recharge, and most importantly, to reflect.
Step 7. Acknowledge to your partner that neither of you is responsible for causing harm in your marriage
It's tempting to blame your partner for everything that went wrong without admitting that in some way you were involved too. There's also room to admit that you both share the blame and responsibility. The process of conveying this to your partner will mean a lot, helping you rebuild the bond between the two of you.
For example, it would be unfair to say that your partner never makes family dinner a priority if you don't try to work things out together. You could say something like: "You didn't make dinner as a priority as I would like, but I'm also wrong for using it against you and not trying to fit into your busy schedule and do it when you have free time."
Method 3 of 3: Practical Things You Can Do Immediately
Step 1. Rededicate your commitment by making it real
Marriage is also about commitment, a commitment to put others before yourself. If you want to rededicate your commitment to marriage, consider making it clear and tangible so your partner can see the commitment. Gift your partner:
- Ring
- Photo
- Flowers or plants (something that grows)
- Food
- Artwork (made by you)
Step 2. Change the mood
Couples whose marriages are in jeopardy often travel, both far and near, because the monotony of life at home keeps them from seeing each other as special. When work obligations, children and family are far apart, couples rediscover the reason they fell in love the first time.
Notes: the holidays can be a weak test of whether a relationship can work. Vacations are all about having fun and no work. Returning to routines such as work, taking care of the family, and housework makes the fairy tale end very quickly.
Step 3. Try dating
A loving marriage is one in which both still love the thought of being alone with their partner. Some couples try to arrange dates every week, others every few weeks. At the very least, try to plan one date night with just you and your partner once a month. This will help ignite a passion for each other, as well as lighten day-to-day responsibilities.
