If you think your husband, wife or lover is cheating on you, you are not alone. Current statistics show that 15% of wives and 25% of husbands have sexual relations outside of marriage. That number increases by 20% if intimacy or emotional connection is also included. If you suspect your partner is unfaithful, there are several signs you can look for to determine if you have been the victim of infidelity. Your partner may exhibit different or unusual behavior, or you may notice a change in their routine or spending habits. There is no surefire way to detect infidelity, but you can observe your partner's behavior for signs and take the necessary steps to repair or end the relationship.
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Part 1 of 4: Assessing Relationships
Step 1. Evaluate your relationship
Think about how your relationship has been so far to assess whether the relationship is still satisfying and happy for both of you. Usually, if you take a closer look and think critically, you can see a red light indicating that something is wrong.
- The most common warning is when your partner says something is wrong, but you brush it off. Commonly used sentences are, “This marriage is not going well”, “I am not happy”, or “I need more than this”.
- Frequent arguments can indicate that the relationship is in trouble. Whether the conflict is causing the affair or infidelity is a response to an unhappy relationship, fighting with your partner more often than normal could be a sign that your relationship needs repair.
- Unconstructive criticism from your partner can be a sign that something is wrong. If your partner is overly critical, telling you to "exercise," "lose weight," or "talk to a therapist," he or she may be lowering you to justify the infidelity subconsciously.
Step 2. Evaluate the partner's physical behavior
If he's having an affair, he may be touching you less often or exhibiting different sexual behavior. He may appear to be keeping his distance or as if his mind is elsewhere.
- Notice if your partner's interest in making out with you begins to wane. If he receives affection from someone else, chances are he no longer needs it from you.
- Pay attention to the way your partner touches you on a daily basis. Is he no longer holding your hand or showing casual signs of affection? Increasing physical distance between you and your partner can also indicate emotional distance.
- When making out, notice if anything is different than usual. Your partner may demonstrate a new sexual technique that he or she has just learned or practiced with someone else.
Step 3. Also criticize your own behavior
Think again about whether you've been neglecting or neglecting your partner and the relationship itself, or whether you've been treating them badly. Try to assess your own behavior honestly and from the perspective of others.
- If you've been neglecting your partner, he or she is likely to look for emotional and sexual fulfillment in others. A person may start an affair just to try to get his partner's attention and prove to himself that someone is still interested in him.
- If you spend a lot of time away from your partner, or are too focused on work or children, your partner may be lonely and looking for someone else to be with you.
- If you don't treat your partner properly, cheating may be just a way to get back to you and at the same time increase his or her confidence, or it could mean leaving the relationship completely.
Step 4. Trust your instincts
If your intuition tells you that your partner is having an affair, don't ignore it. According to a new story in New Scientist, "our emotions arise from the subconscious mind", so tend to "reflect more information than the rational mind". Basically, instinct can save us a lot of grief. Maybe you've actually seen the faintest clues from your partner without even realizing it.
Step 5. Talk to your partner
If you're concerned that your partner is having an illicit relationship, try discussing your relationship status. Serious talk is an easy way to confirm suspicions or allay your fears. You may not get the answer you want, but at least you've approached your partner honestly and openly.
- Speak when you are both relaxed and calm, not when you are angry. If you start the discussion on a negative note, a productive conversation will be difficult to achieve. Make sure you are “talking”, not “confronting”.
- Choose the right place. If privacy is important to you, choose a place where it's just the two of you. If public places are more relaxing, take your partner for a walk or a nearby park. A place that many people visit but who is easy to leave if the discussion starts to heat up is an ideal choice.
- Try starting a conversation by talking about yourself. Use nonjudgmental phrases, such as "Something's weighing on my mind," or "I'm worried about our relationship." Begin your sentence with "I", not "you". This helps the partner to be less reactive.
- See if your partner is willing to discuss your concerns. If he's willing to work on improving the relationship through dialogue or counselling, that's a good sign.
Step 6. Decide if your effort is worth it
If the conversation doesn't go well or if you feel your partner is lying, take a sharp look at your relationship again and think about what you need. Is a relationship with someone you can't trust worth living? If you are suspicious of your partner or feel that he or she is capable of deceiving you and breaking your trust, then the relationship may not be healthy.
Part 2 of 4: Looking for Physical Change in Your Partner
Step 1. Notice if there are any physical changes in him
A drastic change in your partner's physical appearance could be an indication that he or she is trying to impress a new lover. Changes can also indicate he is actively looking for another partner.
- Notice if he changes or changes the way he dresses. For example, if he usually wears casual clothes, but suddenly starts wearing a suit or dressy suit, it could be a sign of an affair, especially if there have been no major lifestyle changes, such as a job promotion.
- He may join the gym or work out more to tone his body or lose weight for the sake of his new girlfriend. The new person may also be working or working out at the gym he or she frequents.
- A sudden focus on physical appearance and always wanting to look good is a potential sign that there are other people he wants to impress.
Step 2. Observe the couple's habits in self-care
She may start bothering with grooming or dressing up if she's trying to look good to new people. In this day and age, grooming for both men and women is the norm, but a sudden change in habits is a red light.
- Pay attention to whether your partner bathes more often, flosses more regularly, or always shaves, and other ways to take care of himself.
- Be on the lookout for new makeup, perfume, or cologne, whether your partner is wearing it or leftovers that someone else has left. The infidelity mark from the lipstick mark on the collar of a cheating man's shirt has been believed for so long for a reason.
- Observe if the couple changes the hairdo. Did she suddenly change her hairstyle or dyed it another color?
Part 3 of 4: Conducting Investigations
Step 1. Look for changes in the schedule
Watch for any changes in his routine. He may change routines to accommodate his new girlfriend's schedule or to spend time with other people. These changes can be seen in big shifts in his schedule or small changes that suddenly appear.
- Listen to reasons your partner often makes about his schedule, such as overtime, traffic jams, or other problems that can explain why he's often not home.
- If he suddenly wants to go out with his friends without you, that might be an alibi for getting out of the house. See if your partner no longer invites you to events and office trips.
- Be on the lookout for sudden business trips or other excuses he makes for being away for an extended period of time.
- Or, if your sudden absence isn't a problem anymore and he doesn't seem to mind if you work late or go away, he's probably spending that time with someone else.
Step 2. Try contacting your partner
Do you suddenly feel that contact with your partner is getting harder? If you try to call their phone several times but they don't pick up, it could be a sign that your relationship has changed.
- He's probably making excuses why he's not picking up the phone. He may say the battery is dead, there is a technical problem, or that he is in an area that does not receive a signal.
- Watch out if he says he's too busy to pick up your phone, or if he says he should have called you first.
- Does the phone turn off at times you can normally call? He might turn off his phone so he doesn't get distracted when he's with other people.
Step 3. Notice if there are any new or unusual items that they just put down
Sometimes a partner may leave items that indicate he or she is unfaithful, such as someone else's house key.
- Check the details of shopping or restaurant receipts. Browse the document to find the contact's phone number. Look for hotel room keys, torn movie tickets, and the like.
- Maybe you need to check your partner's car. Some people who cheat will hide or leave evidence in dashboard drawers, ashtrays, or under car seats.
Step 4. Observe the couple's behavior on the computer
He may spend more time at the computer chatting or visiting social media sites more often.
- Read the contents of your partner's social media accounts carefully. See if he often chats with one particular person. Texting an ex-boyfriend is a red light.
- See if he closes his browser window or internet session on the computer when you enter the room, or if he always clears his browser history.
Step 5. Review the information from the bank or financial institution
Your partner may start to overspend on activities with or gifts for their new lover.
- Look for large withdrawals or purchases from stores and other places you rarely or never visit.
- Watch for credit or debit card transactions from restaurants or bars you've never been to.
Part 4 of 4: Observing Cell Phone Usage
Step 1. Notice if he can't get off the phone
Smartphones make it easier to investigate cheating spouses. If he's always attached to his cell phone, maybe it's because he's using it as a means of communicating with a new lover.
- Pay attention to whether he always carries his cellphone with him everywhere, such as to the toilet, to the bathroom, or when he takes the trash out of the house. This may be a sign that he doesn't want you to access his phone.
- Some people may also change the settings on their phone to activate the security code or lock the phone. This is done to prevent you from accessing personal data such as contact phone numbers or messages.
Step 2. Watch for continuous cell phone usage
Observe your partner's increased activity on the phone, such as calling or texting more often. Take note of when the call and typing the message took place. Keep in mind if he used to communicate during that time before.
- See if he's acting suspiciously when he's calling or texting, such as suddenly hanging up when you come in. Is he trying to hide the message he is typing, or delete the message immediately after it is sent or received?
- If he whispers a lot when he's on the phone, it's probably so you don't overhear him talking to someone new.
Step 3. Look for a second phone
Having a second cell phone is a smart move for cheating people. With a secret cell phone, he doesn't have to worry about leaving traces of unexplained incoming and outgoing phone calls.
- Cell phones can be obtained easily and cheaply. If you see your partner using another phone, which is not needed for work or other legitimate purposes, you may be concerned that they are hiding something.
- Look for the secret cell phone in his bag. There's no way your partner will keep a secret cell phone in an easy-to-see place.
- A possible place to hide a second phone is a car. Look in the dashboard drawer or under the seat.
- Watch for odd or new bills arriving home. If a couple subscribes to data for their second phone, there may be a billing record. But if he was careful, the bill might be arranged to be sent electronically.
Warning
- Note that all of the signs listed above could be signs of infidelity, or they could be for really clean reasons. If you accuse your partner of cheating on you or get caught investigating it – checking your wallet, checking your phone, reading your e-mails – it will only create problems in the relationship that didn't exist before.
- The signs that a cheating woman shows are basically the same as a cheating man. Infidelity is not confined to men, although it is generally believed that men tend to be sexually unfaithful while women tend toward emotional relationships. With increasing economic and personal opportunities provided to women, independence in married women is becoming more and more common. This apparent increase in independence was accompanied by an increase in the percentage of wives who cheated.
