Loving someone who doesn't love you can feel like the end of the world. The pain you are experiencing is real. Science has proven that denial activates pain receptors in the human brain, just as it does when we experience physical pain. While you can't control how you feel, you can learn to deal with the pain of rejected love and get back on track with your life.
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Part 1 of 4: Giving Yourself Space
Step 1. Understand that your pain is natural
When you love someone but he doesn't love you back, you will feel pain. As it turns out, "heartbreak" is a very physical feeling, because the pain of rejection activates your body's parasympathetic nervous system, the nerves that regulate your heart rate and muscle tension. It's natural to feel pain if your love is rejected. Accepting the fact that this pain is natural can help you process the pain.
- Rejected love can actually trigger the same brain response as if you were to break free from a drug addiction.
- Psychologists estimate that about 98% of humans experience unrequited love. Understanding that you're not the only one experiencing it may not necessarily relieve the pain, but it will make it easier to bear, because you realize that you're not alone.
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Rejection can also lead to depression. If you experience at least one of the following symptoms, seek immediate help from a mental health professional:
- Changes in eating or sleeping patterns
- Feeling hopeless or down
- Mood swings from what you're used to
- Difficulty controlling negative thoughts
- Thoughts of self-harm.
Step 2. Allow yourself to grieve
There's nothing wrong with being sad, as long as you don't get trapped into being sad all the time. On the other hand, being sad is healthier than holding on to feelings. Denying or suppressing your feelings, for example by saying, "Oh, that's okay" or "I really don't love him anyway," will only make it worse in the long run.
- If you can do that, take some time out of your daily routine to process your grief. This will help create a recovery space for you to deal with the grief. For example, the first time you realize (or are told) that he doesn't love you, you need to take a special time to be alone somewhere, even if it's just a 15-minute walk between work.
- However, don't sink into despair. If you haven't been out of the house for a few weeks, haven't showered, and are still wearing an old, worn-out T-shirt that's actually better suited to getting tossed about, then you're overdoing it. It's natural to feel sad, but if you don't try to focus on your life again, you'll end up stuck thinking about and loving that person.
Step 3. Realize that you cannot control other people
Your immediate reaction when you find out that the person doesn't love you the way you want them to might be to think "I'm going to 'make him' love me!" This thought is natural, but it is untrue and useless. The only thing you can control in life is your own actions and responses. You can't coax, coerce, or threaten someone to have certain feelings that they don't have.
It's also a good idea to remember that you can't control your own feelings either. However, you can control your response to the feelings that arise
Step 4. Take a few moments to get away from the person
Part of the process of creating space for yourself to grieve and move on is to remove that person so that he or she is no longer a part of your life. You don't have to completely remove him from your life, but you do need to stay away from him.
- You don't have to be mean or rude to him. Just tell him that you need a little time to get over the feelings you're going through. If he really cares about you, he'll give it time, even if he himself may feel displeased at being shunned.
- If you've been so emotionally dependent on the person you're trying to forget, find someone else to fill that role. Ask another friend if you can reach them when you have the urge to contact the person you want to forget.
- Cut off your relationship with him on social media, or set it so you can't see the latest news from/about him. You don't want to be constantly reminded of him and everything he does. This will make it harder for you to walk away.
Step 5. Express your feelings to yourself
Expressing your feelings can help you accept the fact that you are going through a painful experience. Therefore, do not continue to harbor feelings and let them build up until they finally explode on their own. When we experience a sense of loss or disappointment, it's only natural that you find it difficult to cope, at least at first. Don't be discouraged by feeling this way, and don't ignore all those feelings, hoping they will go away on their own. Express it openly and honestly.
- Cry if you want to cry. Crying can actually be very good therapy. Crying can reduce feelings of anxiety and anger, and can even reduce stress levels in your body. If you want to finish a box of tissues and cry your heart out, just do it.
- Avoid acts of violence, such as yelling, yelling, hitting or breaking objects. This may seem a relief at first, but research shows that using violence as an expression of anger (even with an inanimate object) can actually increase that anger. A healthier and more beneficial way is to pay attention to how you feel and why you feel the way you do.
- Expressing feelings through creative works, such as music, art, or a favorite hobby, can be very beneficial. However, you still need to avoid things that are very sad or angry, such as death metal music. Things like this can make you feel worse when you're really down.
Step 6. Realize that you should stay away
No matter how great he is, if he doesn't love you, you won't be happy with him. Falling in love for a long time with someone can make you blind to their flaws. Stepping back from it to observe reality, without being mean or rude, will help you distance yourself from that tragic feeling of rejected love.
- It may also be helpful to think about certain aspects of the person that can cause difficulties if you connect with them.
- For example, perhaps his excessive anxiety in social situations can make him unable to show the acceptance and recognition you need in a relationship.
- Research has even shown that acknowledging the negative sides of someone else can help you get over your rejection more quickly.
- Don't get caught up in saying mean things about that person, just to make yourself feel better. In the end, this way of thinking will only make you feel more bitter and angry, instead of helping you to get better quickly.
- Rejection can temporarily lower IQ levels, whether you believe it or not. If you're having a hard time thinking about your feelings in a reasonable way, accept that you may need a little time to get back to "normal."
Step 7. Avoid blaming him
Just as you can't control the feeling of falling in love with him, he can't control the feeling of not being in love with you. If you blame him for only seeing you as a friend or saying he's mean because he doesn't love you, then you're being unfair. Focusing on bitterness like this will only keep you from recovering.
You can feel angry that he doesn't love you, without blaming him. Don't let your friends blame him either. If your friends start blaming them for not loving you, thank them for the support, but simply say, "It's not fair to blame someone for something they can't control. We'd better focus on my success to forget about it."
Step 8. Throw away all memories of him
You can cry over the memento as you get rid of it, but this step is very important in the recovery process. Keeping memories of him will only make it harder for you to move forward, and this is certainly not a goal you want!
- As you look back at the keepsake items one by one, remember the moments associated with them, then imagine that you put those memories in a balloon. When you throw it away, imagine the balloon flying away until it's out of sight.
- If you have a good, usable keepsake, consider donating it to a thrift store or homeless shelter. Imagine all the new happy memories that will be formed from that super-loose T-shirt, teddy bear, or CD, that will be felt by its new owner, then let them become a symbol that big changes are taking place in your life.
Part 2 of 4: Implementing Short Term Corrective Measures
Step 1. Avoid getting drunk and calling or texting the person
Especially in the early days, you may feel so desperate that you feel compelled to contact that person. Your will to recover may be able to withstand this urge while you are awake, but we all know that alcohol weakens our minds to make decisions. Getting drunk nagging the other person for not loving you, or wailing about how hurt you are, can be both a very embarrassing experience for you and very uncomfortable for that person. It may even deprive you of the opportunity to develop a genuine friendship with him at a later date. If you think you're still vulnerable to doing something you'll regret, ask your friends for help.
- Give your phone to your friend (preferably if this friend is the one who will drive the car, who won't drink alcohol), while instructing firmly not to give it back to you, no matter how drunk you beg or whatever the reasons you use.
- Delete that person's contact information from your phone data. This way, you can't call or text him.
Step 2. Divert your attention
It's impossible not to think about anything at all, but you can still turn your mind to other things when you start thinking about him. Each time the painful memory comes up, distract yourself with another topic of thought, activity, or work.
- Call your friend. Choose books that are really fun to read. Watch really funny movies. Make something. Garden. Do math problems. Find something that can hold your attention long enough for you not to think about him for a while. The more you get used to not thinking about him, the easier it will be for you.
- A useful trick is to set aside a specific amount of time to think about him. Don't take it too long, just set it 10-15 minutes. When you start to think about that person, say to that emerging thought, “No. Not now. I'll think about you later." Then when his schedule comes, allow yourself to think about him. After the allotted time is up, resume your other thoughts or activities.
Step 3. Remember that unrequited love hurts that person too
Maybe when you were first rejected, you felt that this pain of yours was the only thing that filled the world. However, research shows that people who don't or can't reciprocate your love may feel pain too. Most people don't like hurting other people.
Remembering that the other person may also feel sad that they weren't able to return the love you hoped for can give you some perspective. Usually, when someone doesn't love you back, it's not because he or she is mean and hates you or wants to hurt you
Step 4. Make a list of your good qualities
Rejection can lead you to believe that all the criticisms about yourself have been true. Don't allow yourself to believe this just because the other person doesn't love you back, and don't believe that you don't deserve to be loved. Research shows that when you remind yourself that you are worthy of love, you're better able to get over your rejection more quickly and be able to cope better with subsequent rejections.
- Write down every thing that comes to mind that's awesome about you. If you're having trouble thinking about these kinds of things, ask your friends for help.
- Express your love for yourself. For example, say, "I may feel weak right now, but I'm still a great roller skating competition, and I really like my skill."
Part 3 of 4: Start Recovering
Step 1. Avoid memory triggers
It is very difficult to recover from unrequited love if you are constantly thinking about that person. Avoid searching for songs or places that remind you of him, or the good times the two of you had together.
- These trigger factors can be anything from seeing her picture on "Facebook" to hearing a song that relates to the good times you spent with her. In fact, this factor can also be just a certain smell (like the smell of apple pie, because you once entered an apple pie-making competition with him, for example).
- If you are accidentally exposed to something that reminds you of him, as this may well happen, it is best to acknowledge the memory and move on to something else immediately. Don't dwell on feelings that are sure to arise. For example, if a song related to it is playing on the radio, turn off the radio or change the channel. Accept the sadness and regret that comes up, and turn your attention to something positive or neutral (such as dinner you're about to eat, or a vacation trip you're taking).
- Remember, you won't have to avoid these things forever. You just want the recovery to be as easy as possible, whereas remembering it over and over will make the recovery process even more difficult. If you've managed to get your life back on track, they'll probably still be remembered, but it won't hurt as much anymore.
Step 2. Talk to someone
It's better to let the difficult feelings and things out of this healing process and not keep them inside yourself. If you're still holding onto your feelings, you'll have a harder time letting go of them in the long run. Find someone you can talk to about these feelings and about what you're going through.
- Make sure that the person you are talking to you trust. Maybe he's a friend you know won't try to rush your recovery, or a family member you can call if you ever get angry. It's also possible that the person is a therapist, especially if you're struggling to get over a long-term love or love related to another problem.
- You can also write down your feelings in a diary if you feel you can't or don't want to talk to other people. One of the advantages of writing down your feelings in a diary is that you will be able to observe the healing process again, which will prove that you are capable of forgetting the unrequited love.
- Talking to someone who has gone through something similar can be very beneficial. You can ask him about his experience and how he got through it.
- People who have gone through similar experiences can really understand the problems of others. You'll only need to tell them a little bit, far less than if you told someone else who hasn't experienced it, and these people will be much better able to understand your problem as well.
- Don't tell someone who has never experienced similar pain before, especially if they have the potential to make fun of you about the problem. Don't let other people make fun of you just because they don't know what it's like and can't understand your problem.
- Develop a stronger personal relationship with God. This spiritual power can be a very useful weapon for you and help make you able to endure very difficult times.
Step 3. Strengthen your personal support network
One of the main side effects of rejection of any kind, especially rejection of love, is feeling disconnected and isolated from the other person. You may not be able to get the relationship you want with someone, but you can strengthen your relationships with the other people in your life.
- Research shows that interacting with people you love can speed up your body's recovery. Because emotional pain often comes in the form of physical pain, spending a good time with the people you love can help you recover more quickly from this unrequited love.
- A particularly important effect of having fun is that it lowers your level of anger and can help you feel more positive. Laughter is actually the best medicine. Laughter releases endorphins, which are hormones that naturally improve your mood. Laughter can even increase the body's ability to withstand pain. So, watch funny movies, sing like crazy at karaoke, jump on giant trampolines, or do whatever, the important thing is that you have fun, laugh and learn to recover.
Step 4. Conquer useless thoughts
Certain thought patterns can sabotage your recovery process and make it harder for you to bounce back.
- Remember that you can live without the person who rejects you, and that he or she is not perfect. You are very capable of loving other people.
- Remind yourself that situations and people can change. What you're feeling right now won't last the rest of your life, especially if you try hard to change that feeling.
Step 5. View this experience as a lesson
No one wants to be heartbroken, but if you can view this rejection of love as an opportunity to learn and grow from the experience, this time will be something more valuable than life's sadness. You can use it to drive positive growth for your future.
- For example, look for things of value from your experience. Indeed, you have given your heart to that person and it turns out that he doesn't want yours. However, you are strong and courageous, so you can get through these disappointed times! Without the willingness to accept this disappointment, we cannot relate to other people at all or to feel deep feelings such as joy and love.
- Consider whether this is part of a larger pattern. Some people may fall in love again and again with people who tend to reject them, especially if they did not feel secure with the emotional connection to their parents in their childhood. If you've been in love with people who rejected you more than once, you may subconsciously choose people based on problems you've had with your parents. Consulting a therapist on this matter will be of benefit to you.
- Remind yourself that through this experience, you learned many things, among which are your own strength and ability to endure. Rejected love isn't a fun way to learn, but if you focus on learning instead of lamenting yourself, you'll come back stronger in the end. Perhaps you will even have a better understanding of your own feelings and needs.
Step 6. Change your routine
Research shows that doing something new, like taking a vacation or taking a different route to work, is one of the best surefire ways to break old habits and replace them with new ones.
- If you can't make big changes, make small changes every day. Visit other sides of your city. Try a new fun spot on a Saturday night. Rearrange your furniture. Join a new band. Learn a new hobby, such as cooking or rock climbing.
- Try not to make changes that are too drastic, unless you really want to. At times like this, indeed many people cut off their hair or get tattoos. Though, you're better off waiting until the recovery starts to happen before deciding to do things like this.
Step 7. Rediscover yourself
Because you love someone too much, you may have forgotten what it's like to be yourself. Recovering from unrequited love is a good time to get to know yourself without being influenced by how you feel about other people.
- Try to develop yourself. Don't change just because other people don't like something about you. However, if you do find a part of yourself that you want to develop or improve, then do it. Learn a new language. Exercise regularly at the fitness center. Start playing flamenco guitar.
- Develop unique sides of yourself. While you spend time chasing him, actually many important sides of you are starting to fade. Re-engage yourself with things or people you rarely did and met before while you were busy with that unrequited love.
- Resist the temptation to assume that the rejection is due to your personal shortcomings. It's easy to feel that the person rejects you because you're not pretty/handsome/smart/cool/whatever. However, learn to stay away from this wrong way of thinking, so you don't get too hurt. In addition, getting rid of the wrong way of thinking will also prevent you from trying to "fix" yourself in order to win the heart of the girl/boy of your dreams. Always remember that the rejection was not your fault.
Step 8. Push yourself out of your comfort zone
Trying new things will help you get out of your usual routine and get rid of the relationship with the person you are trying to forget. You'll be too busy trying and enjoying new things, so you don't have time to obsess over the person who doesn't love you.
- Pushing yourself out of your comfort zone also has several other advantages. Being too comfortable has been shown to reduce self-motivation to change. A little doubt can help you change the things in your life that really need to change.
- Learning to push yourself beyond your comfort limits also trains you to face doubt in the future. Taking risks (controlled, not wild) and challenging yourself will allow you to accept uncertainty as a fact of life, so you won't feel so devastated again if something unexpected happens next time.
- If you give in to fear and you remain convinced that this rejection is due to your own shortcomings, you may become afraid to try again once and for all. Encouraging yourself to take risks, even small ones, will help you get out of the shadows of fear.
Part 4 of 4: Get Up And Get On With Your Life Again
Step 1. Recognize the time when you are ready to resume life
There is no definite time limit when it comes to resurrecting from a one-sided love. Everyone needs a different duration of time. However, there are certain signs that indicate that you are ready to move forward and forget the person who rejected your love.
- You begin to notice the things that happen to other people. Often times, when you are in a period of deep sadness, you tend to be a bit selfish. If you're starting to take an interest in what other people are doing now, it means you're making progress in the recovery process.
- Every time you hear your phone ring (especially if it's from an unknown number), you stop feeling that maybe he's the one calling because now he realizes how much he loves you.
- You stop thinking about your own story with him when you see/hear movies and songs about one sided love. In fact, you start looking for other things that have nothing to do with love or suffering for love.
- You stop imagining that the unrequited love will suddenly appear and prostrate at your feet saying that he has always loved you.
Step 2. Avoid having any contact with that person again
While you may feel like you're ready to take another step forward, you may end up falling into a relapse status if you're not careful. This is like picking up a wound that has not completely healed. indeed the healing process is going on, but the wound is not yet healed.
- Avoid doing things with that person or allowing them to re-enter your life, until you are absolutely sure that this will not lead to falling in love and misery again.
- If you find yourself falling in a loop of falling in love again, don't think too much about it! You have tried to forget it and all the effort will pay off in the end. Setbacks can happen, but if you give up right away, things will only get harder in the long run.
Step 3. Get back together
Go out and meet new people. Seduce the people you like, and enjoy the feeling of being chased by others again. You need to re-build your self-confidence, while meeting new, interesting people. In fact, each time you will meet someone who is better and more interesting than the person you were previously chasing: prettier/handsome, funnier, smarter, more humble, etc.; and you will remember all these advantages. All of this will help you to get the right perspective.
- You don't need to immediately start a new love relationship. Just enjoy the presence of new people, as a very useful life encouragement.
- Be careful with runaway relationships. Sometimes escapism in the form of a new relationship may be recommended by your doctor, but it will only be helpful if you are fully prepared, honest with yourself that this is just an escape, and honest with your new partner that this relationship is an escape. Don't make this new person fall madly in love with you, like you were madly in love with the person you are trying to forget.
Step 4. Stay motivated
Forgetting those we love is not easy! Any progress made in the process of forgetting that person deserves to be celebrated. You should also remember that just because this person doesn't love you back, it doesn't mean that no one else will love you.
Tips
- Realize that you deserve someone who treats you as well as you treat them.
- Remember that love must be reciprocal. Otherwise, you will lose precious years of your life, simply waiting for something that will never happen!
- Learn to love yourself before looking for someone else to fall in love with.
- Don't beat yourself up or feel stupid for having these feelings. This can happen to anyone, and you are strong enough to get through it. So, be proud of yourself for that.
- Be careful about giving your love and trust.
- Create a new beginning.
