Forgetting your first love can be difficult. First love teaches you what it's like to be in love. The first experience gives you an idea of what you will live/face in such an experience in the future. If you're having trouble forgetting your first love, this is perfectly normal. Most people struggle and are trying to get over their first love, but there are things you can do to help you bounce back. First, limit your thoughts about it. Try to focus on what is there and don't hold back feelings about the past. Have a better or “healthier” perspective on your relationship. Even if your first relationship ended, you can learn a lot about yourself when you fall in love. After being sad, try to get up. Focus on what's in front of you, and not on the love that's gone.
Step
Method 1 of 3: Controlling Attitude
Step 1. Limit the time you spend thinking about your ex
You may feel that you have to get rid of all thoughts about it at once. However, a strategy like this can actually have a negative impact. If you force yourself not to think about something, you'll end up thinking about it more and more. Instead of trying not to think about your ex, limit the time you spend thinking about him. This can be a more effective sustainable strategy.
- Take time to think about your ex. For example, you can think about it for half an hour in the morning. If you're having trouble imagining or remembering your memories with him, try listening to a song or thinking about a movie you both liked.
- Write down your thoughts in a diary to help you control your feelings and process what is happening.
- After this, try not to think about it all day. If the shadows sneak back up, you can say “I've thought about this earlier. I'd better save this to think about tomorrow."
Step 2. Watch for unrealistic thought patterns
If you are "shocked" by the loss of your first love, you may be inclined to think of worse things. For example, you might think things like "I'll never love anyone again" or "I'll never be happy again." If you start thinking that way, stop and counter those assumptions.
- No two relationships are ever the same. It's true that you will never feel the same way again. However, this does not necessarily mean that you will never love someone or feel happy again.
- Be realistic. Most people don't end up in a life-long relationship with their first love. Think about your parents, friends, or other family members. They may all have lost their first love, but end up in a good or healthy relationship.
- Think specifically. For example, if you feel that you will never find love again, replace that assumption with, for example, "If I start opening my heart again when I'm ready, I might find love again. I'm not going to end up alone like that."
- Remind yourself that even though the situation is difficult right now, there are many possibilities that you will love someone again and feel happy, even if it takes a long time.
- Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or counselor about your assumptions or thoughts. They can help you gain a better perspective and fight unrealistic thoughts.
Step 3. Focus on the present
Remind yourself of what you have right now. Think about your friends, work, interests, and passions. Even if you don't have the relationship or romance you want right now, there are many other things you can think about.
- Do various things so that you stay glued to what is right now. Enjoy a new hobby. Join a club. Take part in volunteer activities. Register at the fitness center. Any activity or thing that keeps you busy and focused can help you.
- New memories can help you forget the past. Take concrete steps to make new, better memories so you can forget your ex-lover.
- It is important that you take the time and practice mindfulness, and reflect on your feelings and thoughts in the present moment. However, it's a good idea to balance moments of introspection with activities that can distract you and help you focus on other things.
Step 4. Take care of yourself
It's very difficult for you to think positively when you can't take care of yourself. You may not be able to sleep, exercise, or eat properly after a breakup. However, you should still undergo basic self-care. This way, you can remain a strong person and avoid negative thoughts or assumptions.
- In addition to sleeping and eating well, give yourself an occasional treat. Don't hesitate to pamper yourself a little after going through a breakup.
- Enjoy the evening with friends. Order food from a restaurant. Try walking or cycling. Watch movies you like.
Step 5. Get in touch with people who can support you
Ask a trusted friend or family member to check on you every once in a while and gently remind you to take care of yourself. They can also take you out of the house if you're alone too much. Remember that you can ask for help when dealing with grief or loss.
- Sometimes, you will feel better by talking to a supportive friend over the phone. By talking about your feelings, you can feel better and manage your feelings.
- If you feel guilty about relying too much on friends or family, make a commitment to show your presence (in the same form or “level”) when/if they need you.
Method 2 of 3: Developing a Perspective on the Past
Step 1. Check for any negative thought patterns
You can learn from every relationship. It's all a process of growing and changing so you can find a healthy, happy, and lasting romantic relationship. When trying to forget your first love, pay attention to negative thought patterns that you should avoid or prevent in future relationships.
- Think about why your relationship broke down. Are there any attitudes you can actually change? Is there a cause for your incompatibility? Why are you attracted to him? Was it caused by the wrong reasons?
- Often times relationships end because two people are not compatible with each other. You can see this as an opportunity to find out how to choose someone more suitable/right in the future.
- Talking to someone who thinks objectively helps you recognize these patterns and find a way out. Talk to a friend you can trust or find a counselor who can help you assess your relationship in a more balanced and objective way.
Step 2. Allow yourself to enjoy the memories of the past
You don't have to erase all memories of your ex. Over time, you can smile when you remember what happened. Love can trigger feelings of happiness, and your first love will always be special. If you can smile at the memory of your first love, allow yourself to enjoy the memory rather than simply erasing or forgetting it.
- You can gain strength through old memories. View these memories as a way to remind yourself that you are a loving person. Recognizing yourself as a loving person can be a good thing.
- Old memories can also make you feel better in bad situations. You may suddenly remember the words of encouragement your ex-boyfriend said when you were feeling down with yourself. You can remember or carry good memories, as long as you stay aware that your old relationship is over.
Step 3. Realize that there is nothing special about your first love
First love can be a memorable experience. You learn a lot about yourself and get to experience love for the first time. However, people tend to exaggerate their first experience with something. There's usually nothing special about your first relationship other than its "status" as your first experience in a relationship. Remember that you will instinctively glorify your first experiences. Don't let this mentality destroy your ability to enjoy what you have in the moment.
- You may remember your experience with your first love passionately. In a new relationship, this can trigger a tendency to compare current feelings with past feelings. However, think about your first experience with anything. You may also exaggerate the experience. Your first day on the job may feel very impressive, but chances are nothing different will happen on that day compared to other days.
- Instead of looking at your first love as a perfect partner, view it as your first love in terms of experience. You learn how to love someone and live a romantic relationship. However, your ex is not the only man or woman for you. You are only compelled to exaggerate your memories simply because it was your first experience.
- Use positive self-talk to see the experience in a better light. Try saying “I will use what I learned from the relationship to build a better relationship in the future. The best thing will come for me!”
Step 4. View your ex-boyfriend as a “medium” to learn about yourself
Reflect on what you learn from relationships. Think about what you like about yourself in relationships. Have you learned to be selfless? Have you learned to care for your partner? Even if your relationship has ended, don't view it as a failure. Most of the romantic relationships you have in life are training for you. Appreciate what you learn about yourself and your ability to love, rather than simply forgetting the relationship.
Method 3 of 3: Rise from the Relationship
Step 1. Revisit the big goals in life
After experiencing loss, you usually forget the big goals in life. You may feel that losing your first love signifies a failure to find a loving relationship in life. However, look at the larger purpose in the context of the relationship. A failed relationship doesn't necessarily mean that you fail to achieve your goals.
- Rethink what you want in life. In addition to finding a partner, think about other goals. What career or education do you want, for example.
- Remember that you can stop looking for love or a relationship for a while. You don't have to immediately try to find love again. Give yourself time to recuperate and pursue other goals, then try to open your heart again when you're ready.
- A loss does not necessarily mean that you have failed. In fact, most people experience a lot of loss and rejection in the struggle toward a greater goal. You don't need your ex to achieve your goals.
Step 2. Don't be in a hurry to open your heart again
Many people feel that a relationship or involvement with another person can help them forget their first love. While a new relationship can distract you from your old one, there's a good chance you won't be able to live a successful relationship this way. Instead of opening your heart right away, take time to reflect on yourself and the situation at hand.
- Think about what you expect from a relationship. Recognize how your needs were or were not met in previous relationships. This way, you can find out how to find a more suitable partner in the future.
- Many people "jump" from relationship to relationship in hopes of finding the right partner. However, if you don't feel calm/good yourself, you can't have a "functional" romance. You need to "wail" your first love first and determine what you want in the future.
- As you recover from the breakdown of a relationship, you may feel very emotionally vulnerable for a moment. The feelings you have about other people at a time like this may not always be rational. Be careful when chasing these feelings because you could be hurt or taken advantage of by someone who knows the "fragility".
Step 3. Imitate the behavior of others
Find a friend, family member, or coworker who has also been through a breakup but has managed to get back up. Try imitating the behavior of someone who doesn't need a relationship to find satisfaction and happiness.
- Look for someone who can find satisfaction or happiness on their own. You need to lean on those who don't need a relationship to be content.
- After finding someone, think about how they would deal with the end of the relationship. Find ways to stay independent and strong after the breakup.
- If you feel comfortable, ask him to be your mentor. Call him for advice every now and then during your recovery. However, be careful not to rely too much on it.
Step 4. Accept that you will feel sad for a while
Even if you want to rise above your sadness, it's important that you accept your feelings. Take steps to feel better, but accept sadness as a "normal" part of the process. Forgetting your first love is hard, and even if you've done everything well, change won't just happen. Don't beat yourself up when you have a bad day. This is normal and it takes time for you to rise from sadness.
- Don't panic if the memory of him makes you feel sad. If you try desperately to avoid sadness, you will only make the situation worse.
- Instead, accept the fact that you will feel sad for a while. Cry if necessary. Let go of sadness and anxiety so that you can rise.
- To help you get a better perspective, think about the sad moments you've had in the past and remember that eventually you'll feel better. Remind yourself that the sadness will end and you will have better days as time goes on.
Tips
- Keep yourself busy. Don't let yourself sink into the void because this is an opportunity for you to think about it again. Exercise, clean your room, or take up a hobby.
- Try to write down how you feel. When bad thoughts and feelings keep replaying in your mind over and over, try writing them down to calm them down.
- Throw away your ex-lover's belongings that you still have. Clothes store the perfume he wears and can remind you of him, more than anything else. Also throw away the notes he wrote or the pictures he drew. Seeing things that once made you smile will only make you feel worse.
- Try to accept everything and realize that if he wants to stay friends with you, he will make an effort. Relationships must have reciprocity. The responsibility for fixing something or achieving a goal doesn't rest entirely on your shoulders.
- If your relationship ends, there must be a reason behind it. Try to identify the main cause, get up from the breakup, and try to avoid the same mistakes so they don't happen again.
- Talk to new people. Meeting new people helps you get over your ex and focus on a new group of friends. Join a club, volunteer, or go to a social event on your own and interact with others.
Warning
- Even if you hate him, don't say bad things about him. This will only make you feel worse.
- Visiting your ex's Facebook page is not a good idea. Seeing pictures or reading posts from other people for him will only make you feel annoyed.
- Don't use illegal drugs to help solve your problem. These drugs will not provide benefits in the long term and can actually make the situation worse. Do not consume alcohol or sedatives when trying to recover from a breakup.
