Do you feel pressured because you have feelings for someone close to you? This can be one of the most difficult positions as a friend. Since every relationship is different, there is no "right" way to continue this endeavor. However, there is a lot you can do to make sure you make a smart decision and can express your feelings without disrespecting or making your friend feel uncomfortable.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Things to Consider First
Step 1. Realize that this can permanently change your friendship
We have heard this sad story many times: someone confesses his true love to a friend only to find that things are no longer "the same" after that. Expressing love to your best friend will force both of you to reevaluate the way you see each other. It's important to weigh the relationships you have now with the ones you might have in the future if all goes well. If your current relationship is very important to you, you should not jeopardize it.
The fact that it's almost impossible to go back "to the past" after confessing your feelings doesn't necessarily mean you're going to destroy your relationship with your best friend. However, it is true that you will almost certainly change the relationship. For example, if you're used to watching movies together with absolutely no sex drive, this may become an awkward activity later on
Step 2. Realize that rejection is a serious possibility
It's important that you don't lie to yourself into thinking that you'll be living happily ever after with your best friend if you can just express how you feel. Deceiving yourself will expose you to immense disappointment if it turns out that your best friend doesn't feel the same way. You don't have to be pessimistic about your chances, but you do need to be realistic and remember that the decision about whether your relationship will go to the next stage is up to you - not a fixed one. If you can't stand the thought of rejection, it's probably best to forget about it.
Remember that rejection doesn't always mean you're not "worthy enough" for him. There are various reasons why someone does not want to be in a romantic relationship. For example, he may not want to be in a serious relationship with anyone right now. There may be things you don't know that are preventing him from being in a loving relationship, like work and school commitments that will take up all his time
Step 3. Realize that romantic feelings can change over time
Do your feelings for your best friend come on suddenly without warning? If so, you may need to give yourself a few weeks or months to see if the feeling persists. Feeling attracted to someone today doesn't necessarily mean you'll feel the same way forever. Don't jeopardize a great friendship with a confession of love only to find that what you're really experiencing is a momentary liking (or what psychologists call "infatuation"). Below are a few signs that experts use to identify feelings of "infatuation":
- Infatuation occurs very quickly (rather than gradually).
- Infatuation felt very strong, but only for a short time.
- Infatuation mainly focuses on physical attraction.
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Infatuation makes you view someone as "perfect" or "impeccable."
This is different from seeing someone as perfect for you - meaning, someone who has flaws, but you value all of their flaws because you can complete them
- Infatuation does not mean falling in love with someone else - infatuation means falling in love with the sensation of falling in love.
Step 4. Realize that you don't have to go through it alone
While talking about your deepest personal feelings with other people can be a bit awkward, it's usually a good idea in situations like this. Holding onto someone else's feelings can make it difficult for you to realistically assess the situation, so advice from someone else can be very helpful. If most of your friends seem to be telling you not to pursue someone's love, you should take their advice seriously.
- Some people you may need to talk to include:
- Your other friends
- Her friends (if you know them well enough) - they can even tell you how she feels about you.
- Siblings or parents who are very close to you
- A counselor or teacher you trust
Part 2 of 3: Getting Ready
Step 1. Wait for the right opportunity
When you express your love to a good friend, you should try your best to make him feel calm and comfortable. Choose a time and place when neither of you are experiencing any other major stresses to worry about. It's hard for anyone to make smart decisions about romantic matters when they are under the pressure of other issues. Some examples of things that could be a bad situation for expressing your feelings include:
- There is an important matter that he will face in the near future that requires his attention (such as a big exam or a role in a drama stage)
- He recently broke up from a major relationship (or is still in a relationship with someone else; obviously you shouldn't be chasing his love in this position).
- He is going through a difficult time in his life (problems at work or school, family problems, etc.).
- An example for a time and place that good One way to discuss your feelings is when you're having a relaxing time hanging out alone on the weekends.
Step 2. Find out how he feels with subtle flirting
Giving vague clues about your intentions is a great way to assess your chances of success without jeopardizing your friendship too much. If he responds to your flirting with hesitation or feeling uncomfortable, you know you have to back off. Check out our article on how to seduce for great step-by-step instructions. Some basic tips you may need to keep in mind include the following:
- Use affectionate body language. Maintain eye contact and a beautiful smile. Touch his arm or shoulder when he makes you laugh.
- Tease him gently for the little mistakes he makes. For best results, use a good sense of humor to tease her and make it obvious that you're joking.
- Try to slip a compliment or two into the conversation. If you can do it while teasing her, all the better.
- Keep things light and don't be too bold. You can run the risk of showing your heart too quickly or even scaring him off.
Step 3. Don't make plans to date just yet
Dating is something you do after being in a romantic relationship with someone - not before. Treating your best friend to a fancy romantic candlelight dinner might seem like a good idea, but it can be confusing if she doesn't understand what your goal is, (or becomes clumsy if she already knows what you mean). Save those gifts and formal dinners for later. The best thing you can do at this point is to have a much more casual hangout session.
In addition, you will be spending money (even if only a little) on something that could have a bad effect on you. If you save money, you can always ask someone else out if your best friend doesn't have romantic feelings for you
Step 4. Take your friend somewhere semi-private when you want to confess your feelings to her
It's almost impossible for you to have this conversation without experiencing some intense emotional upheaval, so make it easy for her by providing a little privacy. You don't need to be completely isolated, but it should be a comfortable place where your conversations won't be overheard and you won't be disturbed.
- An example of a great place to have this conversation is a bench in a park away from other people. You will feel comfortable, less likely to disturb others, and best of all, you will get a romantic view.
- whatever you do, do not cause public viewing. Keep in mind that there's a good chance he will say "no" - in this case, attracting the attention of the audience will only embarrass both of you greatly.
Step 5. Take a deep breath before you dive into the subject
When you're with your best friend in a private and cozy place, you have one last chance to step back. If you're still ready to go through all the consequences, it's time to state what's been on your mind. Try your best to stay relaxed when you share your feelings with your best friend. Remember - this step is coming to an end, and even if things don't go your way, at least you're relieved.
It's natural to feel nervous (and many girls find someone a little nervous to be cute), but getting so nervous that you can barely speak will make things a lot more difficult. Read our article on how to stay calm under pressure for more help
Part 3 of 3: Taking Big Steps
Step 1. Be honest
Don't waste time making small talk. Do it simply and directly. Tell your feelings to your friend. This will be different for everyone, so follow your heart. Some of the things you might need to bring up are below, but feel free to put them in a different way if you think it will be more sincere.
- Tell him that lately you've been thinking about him as more than just a friend and you want to know how he feels.
- Tell him that you have been struggling with your feelings for some time and that you are just relieved to be able to express them.
- Tell him that, no matter how he feels, you value him and want to have a positive relationship with him. This matter important - You don't want him to feel that you only want to know him if he wants to be in a romantic relationship with you.
Step 2. Give him an easy way out if he doesn't want to be your girlfriend
This conversation is likely to get a little awkward no matter what the outcome. However, you can make things less awkward for both of you if you give him a reasonable way to say "no" without embarrass himself. This isn't as difficult as it sounds - basically, just say that it's okay if he doesn't want to be with you right now. Some of the things you need to raise include:
- Tell him that you totally understand if he can't be in a relationship right now.
- Tell him that you don't know if there is anything in his life that could be preventing a romantic relationship from developing between the two of you.
- Emphasize that you won't be upset if he doesn't feel the same way as you.
Step 3. Try to keep the conversation casual
Making a big, dramatic show of emotion may seem like a good idea, but it can make your conversation more stressful and tense than it needs to be. Try to say it in a calm voice and a friendly, relaxed tone of voice. You can even use a little humor to ease the tension by joking about how nervous you are about wanting to talk about this - the right joke can make things a lot easier.
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Notes:
You should probably avoid using the word "love". For many people, this word can carry a heavy burden that can make the thought of being in a relationship with you a little scary. Most relationship experts advise not using the word "love" until after you're officially dating.
Step 4. Don't push your best friend to make a decision
The decision you ask your best friend to make is an important one. Don't force him into a position where he has to give you an answer right away or he won't be able to give you the best, most honest answer possible. If he seems indecisive, tell him that it's okay if he needs some time to think. Tell him that you are willing to give him space when he is trying to make his choice.
Step 5. Listen and accept whatever results you get
Ask your friend for input throughout the conversation - make sure you allow her to express herself and make sure you don't dominate the conversation. When he reaches a decision (whether that's right away or a few days later), listen to what he has to say. You may ask about his feelings, but don't question the decision itself. He has the right to make that decision and you have to accept it (not the other way around).
If he doesn't feel the same way as you, don't try to change his mind. This will make you look pathetic very easily. If you really love him, you'll want him to be happy, even if you don't agree with his thinking
Step 6. Be prepared to give your best friend a little space
If your best friend reacts positively, congratulations! Celebrate that success by planning a date with your new lover. If, on the other hand, your best friend doesn't like the idea of being in a relationship, you should be prepared to "step back" from the relationship - at least for some time. There may be uncomfortable feelings on both sides, even if the best friend rejects you in a polite and courteous manner.
- Fortunately, as the ancient saying goes, "time will heal all wounds." Spending a few weeks or months away from someone who rejects you can be a very good thing. This step allows you to heal your inner wounds, accept the fact that you won't be together and move on to the prospect of your next romantic relationship.
- When you see your best friend again, take it easy. You may not be able to immediately return to the same level of familiarity as before. Be willing to re-build your relationship into a close friendly relationship. It may not be exactly the same as the one you had before, but it's less likely to get any worse.
Tips
- Are you having trouble explaining your feelings? Try to write a love letter. You will have as much time as you need to put your thoughts on paper. You can even give your best friend a love letter when you meet for that important conversation.
- This is a conversation that you need to have face to face. Don't call or text your friends to express love. Expressing your feelings in this way can be awkward. This method can even be considered quite rude because it does not take the time to talk directly.
- It seems that the opinion of experts is divided on whether it is wise to start a romantic relationship with someone who is already a close friend. Some evidence shows that people who are married to partners they consider to be close friends tend to be the happiest couples. However, there are also many stories of people who ended up losing their partner and best friend once a romantic relationship with a best friend ended badly.
