The love relationship you've been in for so long may end, but what if you can't get over your ex and believe that the relationship can be repaired? It's natural to feel sorry after a breakup and then want to get back together again, so while it may seem impossible now, it's possible to repair the relationship again. If you can reflect on what went wrong and fix what needs to be fixed, you may be able to convince your ex to give him a second chance.
Step
Part 1 of 6: Examining the Breakup
Step 1. Understand why the relationship ended
How did each of you contribute to the failure of the relationship? Most problems in relationships don't just happen, they build up over time. Most likely the cause is not a one-sided issue and there are definitely signs that the relationship is nearing its end. Take some time and reconsider before you try to get him back. You need to make sure that you're not just wasting your time and energy on something pointless.
According to research, the first cause of a breakup in a love relationship is communication failure. If your relationship is actually happy, this problem can be fixed by stating clear expectations and discussing frustrations openly before things erupt in a big fight. Other problems may be more difficult to deal with, such as infidelity or jealousy, but with effort and counseling, they are also very likely to be resolved
Step 2. Remember again, who broke the relationship?
Are you the one who broke the relationship? If so, did you do it after good thought or when you were angry and now regret it? Did your ex break up with you, and did he have a specific reason? Was ending the relationship a mutual decision?
Understanding who broke the relationship and why it happened is very important. If you broke the relationship and your ex didn't want to, it will be easier to rekindle the relationship than if he or she broke up
Step 3. Interpret your emotions
In the pain and confusion after a breakup, you may sometimes misjudge your own emotions, interpreting loneliness and hurt as evidence that you need your ex back in your life. In fact, nearly all people who experience a breakup experience regret initially, along with anxiety, guilt, depression, and loneliness. In general, these feelings get worse as the relationship gets serious. Couples married or living together tend to experience the worst breakups, while two people who are only dating normally tend to have an easier life after a breakup. However, the severity of your feelings doesn't automatically mean that you should get back together with your ex.
- Try answering the following questions: Do you miss your ex, or do you miss the feeling of having a partner? Does he make you feel better about yourself, more confident about the world, and happier? Do you imagine living with him in the long term, even though the passionate feelings of first falling in love have subsided and what remains is the daily routine of life? If you simply yearn for the security of having someone and the dramatic passion of a relationship, you can find that with someone else in a healthier and more stable relationship.
- It's important that you calm down after your breakup before trying to get your ex back, and use that time to examine your emotions and decide if you really need to be with him. Weaving broken relationships is usually haunted by a lack of trust and the possibility that the up and down cycle will repeat itself. If you're not 100% sure that you want to be with him in the long term, avoid future pain by trying hard to get over your ex instead of chasing after him.
Part 2 of 6: Spending Time Alone
Step 1. Avoid contact with your ex during the first month after the breakup
He will call you if he wants to talk. Otherwise, nothing you say or wear will change it. Sometimes, ignoring your ex will make him feel like you're okay without him and have continued life as usual, the exact opposite of what he wants.
- Avoiding contact is not a passive-aggressive way to make your ex miss you. You'll have time to do what needs to be done to prepare for a new relationship (either with an ex or someone else). Take this month to get to know yourself as an individual and develop areas of your life that were forgotten during your time with him. If you had a hand in the breakup, it's time to recognize where the relationship's flaws lie and work towards becoming a better person as a person.
- This alone time will also help you distinguish between normal sadness after a breakup and a genuine desire to be with your ex again. Almost everyone feels sad after a breakup, even if their ex was an asshole and the two of them didn't get along at all. Time alone will help you sort out those feelings.
Step 2. Focus on yourself
Get together with your friends. Busy yourself in work and other outside activities. Don't make it seem like you need him or seem like you're waiting for your ex to contact you again.
Researchers found that people who after a breakup regained their former selves recovered more quickly from the grief associated with the breakup
Step 3. Don't chase your ex during this time
This means you can't call, text, or ask anyone how they're doing. Most importantly, don't ask your ex why the breakup had to happen or if he or she already has a new partner. It will only make you look desperate..
- While it's important to refrain from approaching your ex for a month or so, you can be responsive if he or she approaches you. In other words, if he calls, don't hang up or refuse to talk. There's no point in trying to rattle your nerves or tame the pigeon, it will only potentially push him away, against your current goals.
- If you happen to hear rumors that your ex is dating someone else, try not to jump to conclusions or allow yourself to get jealous. Whatever the reason, you should never try to get in the way of anyone's newly formed relationship. Let your ex have some time to figure out if you really are the right person for him or her. You certainly don't want to force someone to be with you when what he really wants is to be with someone else.
Step 4. Find out if he's still interested
Before you start trying to win her over again, you need to find out if she still loves you or not. Knowing that your ex still loves you is the most important clue and signal that things can still be fixed.
- You don't need to rush to find out, much less ask your friends to investigate. Don't approach your ex for at least a month after breaking up. Instead, look for small clues when you meet him at school or work, through social media, or unsolicited comments from mutual friends.
- Keep in mind that a third of couples who live together and a quarter of married couples experience a breakup at some point in their relationship, so if your ex is still interested, there's a good chance you'll win him over again.
Part 3 of 6: Win Her Heart Again
Step 1. Build your self-esteem
If you feel very dependent on others, you may lack self-respect. Maybe you're looking to your ex to feel better, but the truth is that only you can do that. You shouldn't put happiness in other people's hands. This will make him feel guilty, obligated, and ultimately, develop a hatred for you.
- Self-respect is believing that you are worthy and that there are no flaws that make you unworthy as a person. In relationships, it's important that you feel complete and whole as an individual, not looking for someone else to complete you or make your life complete.
- To increase self-esteem, concentrate on your strengths in all aspects, namely emotional, social, talents and skills, appearance, and other aspects that are important to you. For example, you have natural empathy, the ability to make others feel understood, a talent for baking, and beautiful hair. Focusing on the positive and ignoring the negative can help you feel worthy and valuable as an individual, especially when you devote the best of yourself to helping others. If you feel useless, make yourself useful! Bring out your natural empathy and baking talent, then bake a delicious cake for your elderly neighbor.
Step 2. Be the person your ex fell in love with
Think back to when the two of you were new to a relationship. What aspect of you does he love? Is it your weird sense of humor, or maybe your awesome sense of dress? Either way, try to rekindle the fire of love the same way you lit it the first time.
He used to be attracted to you because he enjoyed being with you and you filled his emotional needs. How is your current change (if any)? Correct bad habits and mistakes, if any. Show a positive attitude around him. Laugh and smile. Always maintain a positive attitude to create positive feelings and make yourself attractive to others
Step 3. Improve your appearance
Buy some new clothes, change your hairstyle, exercise, or get your nails done. Make yourself stand out and look fresh from what your ex remembers.
While you don't have to change who you really are in an attempt to get your ex back (because he'll leave again when you go back to being yourself), it's always better to be your best self. He was once attracted to you, and you can try to get his attention again
Step 4. Spend time with other people
You don't have to be in a relationship with them, but spending time with another guy or girl will show your ex that you're ready for a new relationship. If he's still interested, he may decide it's time to step in and stop your search for someone else.
If you're not interested in dating other people or don't want to mislead them, hang out with a group of people, for example to watch a movie or spend time with friends of the opposite sex. Being around people who are single is enough to make your ex a little jealous
Step 5. Meet up with your ex once in a while
Do something mundane like drinking coffee or playing mini golf with friends, including him. Choose an activity that a friend or two will do on the first date. And whatever it is, have fun and avoid serious talk for now.
- All relationships should be built on a solid foundation of friendship, so you need to make sure that the friendship remains intact before trying to get into romance territory.
- If your ex has moved into the friend zone (for example, if he says "I don't love you anymore"), maybe you can recreate the feeling of falling in love by building intimacy with your ex. In one study, researchers asked two strangers to stare at each other's time and then answer personal questions (such as "What is your greatest fear?" and "What is your best childhood memory?" The two people can create a close bond even though they weren't previously together. get to know, create attraction and even feelings of love. Try looking your ex in the eye and asking deep questions and see if that can help bring your relationship back into love territory.
Part 4 of 6: Discussing Relationships
Step 1. Talk to him
After you've spent some time as friends, it's time to have an honest talk about your relationship history and whether there's a future for either of you.
While texting or chatting on the computer is considered normal communication in an established relationship, deep discussions like this should be conducted face to face. Take your ex to dinner or to your favorite coffee shop
Step 2. Take advantage of the past
If there's a shirt your ex really likes, wear it. Splash out the fun memories the two of you had together. Choose a regular place that you used to go to when you were together.
If he has bought you special jewelry, consider wearing it when you meet. That will send a pretty clear message that you still have feelings for him
Step 3. Prepare your words
The first thing you say to your ex is very important. If you say the wrong words, you will lose your chance to get them back. You have to understand that even if the two of you aren't together anymore, there's a good chance he still has strong feelings for you.
- There are many ways to get started, but the safest way is to say something like, "I've been wanting to talk about our relationship and how you're doing." Express regret that the relationship failed and ask if you could talk about it now that you've thought it all out.
- Let the conversation develop naturally. If your ex is okay and says he's dating someone else, you may decide not to waste time trying to convince him to get back with you. However, if he seems to still have feelings for you, slowly bring up the possibility of trying again.
Step 4. Apologize
Think carefully about what you did or didn't do that contributed to the breakdown of the relationship, and start over by apologizing appropriately. Acknowledge any mistakes without blaming your ex, making excuses, or expecting him to apologize (or forgive) you in return. It's entirely possible he had a hand, too, but you can't apologize for anyone else. You can only apologize to yourself. Let him hear your apology and maybe he will apologize on his own.
- Avoid the word "but". “For example, “I'm sorry, but…” means “I'm not sorry.” Also, don't say "I'm sorry if you feel that way." or "I'm sorry if you offended." Words like this suggest that you're blaming him, not really apologizing.
- An apology should actually have this structure: regret, take responsibility, and correct. The first step indicates that you regret what you have done. The second step is to acknowledge and take responsibility without making excuses or blaming others. The final step offers a way to improve or change your behavior going forward. Example: “I just wanted to say I'm sorry because I couldn't give you my time when you wanted to be with me. You must feel neglected. In the future, I will try really hard to pay attention to the people I care about so that this doesn't happen again. Thank you for helping me realize that.”
Part 5 of 6: Fostering Healthy Relationships
Step 1. Speak
Since communication problems are the number one cause of breakups, both of you as a couple should work hard to open lines of communication. If the two of you decide to get back together, you should give yourself time to make your wishes come true, especially in areas that were previously problematic.
Make a plan to deal with unfulfilled expectations. For example, if you broke up with your ex because he was spending too much time with his friends, talk openly about how much time is reasonable to spend with friends and how the two of you would negotiate if one had to spend a lot of time with friends.
Step 2. Remember what caused your breakup
On-and-off relationships tend to be volatile and emotionally unstable. Remembering what caused the previous breakup and addressing the issue can help avoid recurring problems.
Be careful treading in areas that used to be a debate. Whatever the issue that led to the breakup, chances are that area is still vulnerable for both of you. If the problem is jealousy, family issues, control issues, or some other area, realize that they're still there when the excitement that accompanied your decision to get back together begins to fade
Step 3. Treat your relationship like a new relationship with a new person
Remember that old relationships don't work out, and end in heartbreak. Treat this second chance as a new relationship, make new rules and agreements.
- Just slowly. Don't assume that you have to move on from the end point of the previous relationship, for example, by sleeping together and saying "I love you" - which shouldn't happen until trust is rebuilt.
- Get to know each other better. As individuals, you and your partner have definitely changed during your time apart, especially if you've been apart for a long time. Don't assume that you know everything about him. Take the time to get to know each other all over again.
Step 4. Consider counselling
Chances are you both need therapy to find the root of the problem and make sure you both have it resolved, especially a married couple or a couple who are in a serious relationship and want to move on to something more serious.
Remember that reconnected relationships (partners who part and get back together) tend to have a higher risk of dissatisfaction, lack of trust, and even failure, so be prepared to put in a lot of effort in this new relationship
Part 6 of 6: Deciding to Take Another Step
Step 1. Watch for signs that the relationship is not working
Even if you still love each other, sometimes two people just don't get along. If your relationship isn't positive, you should take another step instead of trying to win him back. Some signs of a relationship whose problems can't be fixed are:
- There is violence in any form. If your ex has ever hit or hurt you, or forced you to have sex or do other things you're not comfortable doing, then he was rude and violent, and you shouldn't want him back.
- Lack of respect from either party. If you or your ex swear at your partner, belittle your partner's accomplishments, or belittle your partner in front of family or friends, there is no respect in the relationship. All of these indicate the presence of emotional abuse in the relationship. Find someone who shows you the respect you deserve, and treat them with the same respect.
- History of infidelity. While some relationships can survive a single episode of infidelity, broken trust is very difficult to repair and while it can be rebuilt, it is usually easy to break again. Relationships that have experienced infidelity may need extra support in the form of ongoing counseling to repair broken trust.
Step 2. Listen to your friends and family
Even if you feel defensive, people who are close to you and who know you well can usually understand your relationship. If someone you know and trust has bad feelings about your relationship, you should take that as an indication that something is wrong.
If you know that a friend or family member doesn't like your ex, talk to that person and discuss why. Find out if his dislike is based on the way your ex treats you or other people, something he knows but you don't, or other evidence that may have meaning
Step 3. Accept the breakup and move on with your life
If none of the steps above have worked, and if you've assessed the situation and decided that trying to get your ex back wouldn't be healthy and wise, make sure you take time for yourself emotionally and recover from your heartbreak.
- According to research, it's important to focus on the best parts of relationships, especially how they help you grow as a person, and allow yourself to forget negative experiences. One strategy is to devote 15 to 30 minutes each day for three days straight writing about the positive aspects of the breakup.
- After three days, try to let go of the relationship that has ended. Give yourself time to yourself, spend time with family and friends and do the things you love. When you are in a healthy place, you can start looking for love once again.
Tips
- There's no doubt that getting your ex back is tough. Remember that your efforts may not be successful and if they prove to be, you must maintain self-control and dignity.
- Be yourself. Don't be a different person just to lure her in again. He used to fall in love with you because you were who you were and not because you pretended to be someone else.
- Some relationships are just not meant to last. Don't force the relationship if he clearly doesn't want to.
- Realize that this takes time, don't lose faith.
- Getting back with an ex has its risks. Maybe you've grown and felt a sense of independence during your breakup, but your ex might just put you back where it all was if you got back together.
