Many parents believe that raising a child is a very valuable and meaningful experience. In addition, many parents also believe that the experience of parenting will also be colored by difficulties, not just happiness. Are you ready to be one of them? Remember, having children is a very big life decision. Therefore, understand that there is no right or wrong decision, and everyone has no obligation to have children by a certain deadline! Before deciding to have children, try to think about your motivations, lifestyle, and relationship situation with your partner. After that, it should help you to make the most appropriate decision for your little family!
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Part 1 of 3: Evaluating Your Motivation
Step 1. Think about your commitments as a parent
Indeed, various biological and cultural factors will contribute to a person's desire to have children. However, instead of giving in to pressure, try to take the time to think about your capacity to care for a child in your home for at least the next 18 years, as well as your ability to continually provide the help he needs for the rest of his life.
- Remember, you are not only required to spend time when you have children. In fact, raising a child also costs a lot of money, at least until he hits college age.
- Understand that children are also mental investments. Research shows that new parents are more prone to experiencing the negative emotions that also accompany situations such as divorce and job loss. Although sooner or later happiness will reappear, keep in mind your mental health and your ability to cope with such great adversity.
Step 2. Evaluate your current life events
Some people will feel motivated to have children after facing a major life event or crisis. Therefore, try to observe your life and identify whether or not there are events that trigger the emergence of this momentary motivation.
- Some couples believe that having children has the potential to harm their relationship. While that's not necessarily true, there are times when the pressures of parenting can actually damage, rather than strengthen, the relationship between a couple.
- Some couples believe that having children is a step that must be taken after marriage. However, understand that the truth is, there is no right time for everyone to have children. Therefore, always observe the condition of you and your partner to ensure the desire and readiness of both parties to take this option.
- Sometimes, a very big life event, such as recovering from a chronic illness or injury can push a person to live his life to the fullest. While you may have children after a major life event, at least take the time to think about the long-term implications of such an impulsive decision.
Step 3. Consider the possibility of not having children
If you grew up with the view that parenthood is an option that everyone should take, try taking the time to consider the opposite situation. View this activity as an exercise, not a final decision. In other words, try to imagine what your chances of building careers, relationships, hobbies, and personal interests would be like if you didn't have kids.
- Try asking yourself, "Does this option feel more fun than bringing a child into the family?" Focus on the instinctive reactions that arise!
- If there's a condition that feels as exciting as parenting, try to find ways to incorporate that option into your day-to-day activities as a parent. Is it possible that you can achieve that balance?
Step 4. Consider your obligations
Remember, you are under no obligation to have children if you don't want to! On the other hand, as long as you are a legal adult, you are also not prohibited from having children if you so desire. Take a look at the people around you and consider if any of them are forcing you to make a decision in the near future.
- If you and your partner don't share the same perspective when it comes to having children, take a moment to think, "Did this decision come about because I have a different perspective on my partner, or because I want to make them happy?"
- Observe the condition of relatives and friends. Did any of them force you to make that decision? If anything, there's nothing wrong with keeping a short distance from them until your decision is completely made up.
Part 2 of 3: Evaluating Your Life
Step 1. Check with a doctor
Before making the decision to have children, make sure your health condition is prime enough to do so. If you have a chronic health disorder, both physically and mentally, try to think about how it will affect your child's development process later.
- See a doctor. Tell him, “My partner and I are planning to have children. Will my health condition have a long-term impact on my future parenting abilities?”
- Women should also be aware that certain biological factors can affect their chances of getting pregnant or having a safe pregnancy. Therefore, don't forget to check with your doctor to evaluate various health complications that you may experience while pregnant.
- If you have a history of anxiety disorders, depression, or other mental health complications, see a psychiatrist immediately and say, “My partner and I are planning to have children in the near future. What do you think about the impact of the mental health problems that I experienced in carrying out my role as a parent?”
Step 2. Check your bank account
Even though you don't have to have hundreds of millions of savings in the bank before giving birth, at least make sure the money you and your partner have is able to meet the various basic needs of children in the near future.
- First of all, make sure you have time to take time off from work. If the company you work for does not provide these facilities, make sure you and your partner can still support themselves even though they have to experience a reduction in income because they have to take leave after giving birth.
- Then, evaluate the cost of child health care. After deciding to have children, you and your partner must immediately prepare costs to meet the needs of giving birth, which can range from tens to hundreds of millions because it depends on the insurance program that covers you. In addition, you also have to prepare costs in case your child has medical complications after birth. If possible, immediately make a new insurance for your child!
- Then, also consider the costs you have to prepare to take care of a newborn child. Necessary items such as cribs, baby clothes, baby seats in cars, etc. Of course you can't get it for free. In addition, items that seem simple, such as diapers and baby food, are actually not cheap and can make your monthly budget swell, you know!
- After that, evaluate the cost of child care that you have to prepare. This step is especially important if both parents still have to work after having children.
Step 3. Meet with your boss
If you still want to work after becoming a parent, now is a good time to analyze your career direction. Therefore, meet with your boss to discuss your current career position and the company's short-term plans for you. To yourself, also ask this question:
- Does your job require you to travel a lot or travel for long periods of time?
- Are you working on a large project that requires maximum focus and attention?
- Will childcare costs increase as a result of your job responsibilities?
- Does the company you work for provide maternity leave or other benefits to new parents?
Step 4. Evaluate your support system
Although the greatest responsibility for raising children lies with the parents or legal guardians of the child, it is still necessary to have a positive support system to ease this responsibility and support the child's life in the future. Therefore, try to observe the friends, relatives, and colleagues who are around you right now, and think about whether they can have a positive influence on your child's life in the future.
- Find someone who is not only willing to provide emotional support, but also able to provide tangible assistance, such as looking after your children and cleaning the house when needed.
- If you don't currently have a solid support system in place, consider your financial situation and consider the possibility of hiring a domestic helper or baby nurse.
Part 3 of 3: Talking With Your Partner
Step 1. Ask your partner's wishes.
If the topic has never been discussed by either of you before, now is a good time to discuss the wishes of both parties. Tell your partner, "I've been thinking about kids, and would like to hear your views on parenting."
- Find the right time to discuss. Do not invite your partner to discuss when he is busy or when the time is not right. Instead, ask your partner to set aside a special time so that the two of you can have a serious discussion.
- Explain the reasons behind your desire to have children. If you still don't want to have children, give your partner a reason too.
- Ask your partner for their opinion, and appreciate whatever they have to say.
Step 2. Ask your partner's concerns
After you both agree to have children, give your partner the opportunity to do the same mental evaluation process. In other words, allow him to voice his worries and hopes.
- Actively ask questions like, “How do you plan to prepare your finances before having kids?” and “Do you think we have enough resources to care for children?”
- Avoid debate. Allow your partner to voice their opinion. If their opinion is different from yours, try offering your opinion politely, “I think what if…” Never make your partner feel like their opinion is not valid in the conversation!
Step 3. Evaluate you and your partner's parenting
Determine how you and your partner will cooperate in parenting. Will you both be actively involved? Or, will one party just donate the gene? Will the child be raised in the same house or in two different homes?
- Ask your partner, "What is your vision for raising our child in the future?" Understand that the answer may differ from your personal preference, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. Afterward, try to discuss different opinions with an open mind.
- Explain your expectations regarding your partner's behavior after becoming a parent. Since you've never had children before, it's likely that you don't know the right method for dealing with different types of situations. Therefore, invite your partner to discuss each other's expectations, such as by saying, "I want us to take turns feeding the child every night," or, "When I have to breastfeed, I hope you can help to…"
Step 4. Do couples counseling
Ask a counselor for help to improve the effectiveness and clarity of communication between you and your partner about your hopes and concerns about parenthood. Take advantage of the moment to make the right decision, as well as to strengthen the relationship before bringing a child into it.
- Tell your counselor, “We are planning to have children. That's why, we need to make sure this relationship is healthy enough and ready to proceed to that stage."
- Try consulting a family counselor and/or couples counselor.
