It's natural for you to feel like your parents don't understand you. You may feel that your parents are not open to your point of view. However, your parents want to have a healthy relationship with you. Expressing yourself politely can help them understand you better. Plan ahead when discussing difficult subjects, be polite when explaining your point of view, and look for ways to continue open dialogue into the future.
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Method 1 of 3: Plan a Conversation
Step 1. Write down all your feelings
Trying to explain the problem you are having to your parents can be difficult. Writing down your feelings beforehand can be very helpful. This step helps you know what you want to say, allowing yourself to have a productive and effective conversation.
- To get started, just write down how you feel. Are you upset because of a recent argument with your parents? Do you feel like your parents don't respect or understand you the way they should? Describe your feelings in detail, and also make a note of why you feel them.
- You also have to let out all the anger that exists through writing. Having a conversation in anger can ruin a healthy conversation. It's a very good idea to write down all the anger you feel first instead of expressing it later.
- Try to find the best way to express your feelings. As you write, reread your wording. See if there's a way to twist it so you can make the words easier to understand. This step can help you when you are sitting together and confronting your parents.
Step 2. Consider what you want to get out of the conversation
You should consider what the ultimate goal of this conversation is. Do you want your parents to apologize? Do you want them to do things differently the next time? A difficult conversation must have some kind of end goal. Make sure you have considered this beforehand.
- For starters, you may want your parents to simply understand your reasons for a decision. Generation gaps can lead to misunderstandings between children and their parents. Things change over time, and cultural norms are usually different for you than when your parents were your age. It is important for you to make your parents understand how you are shaped by the times.
- However, you should aim for something more specific. Maybe you're asking permission to do something, like attending a party. Maybe you ask for support or guidance in school or social life. Try to consider what you are asking for, and the best way to make the request. For example, perhaps your parents will think that the reason you want to extend your curfew so you can attend a school art show is trivial. However, you may be in your final year of school and this event will be one of the last nights you can spend with your friends as a complete group. Talk about your need for social connections and lasting memories.
Step 3. Choose a good time to talk
When you have a conversation can be just as important as how you do it. Choose a time to talk when you and your parents won't be stressed or distracted. This step can help the conversation go more smoothly.
- Look for a day of the week that is free from external obligations. Talking 30 minutes before your dad has to attend the POMG meeting is a bad idea, just as if you chose to talk 15 minutes before basketball practice. Choose one day a week when the evening time for everyone involved is relatively free.
- Choose a nice place to talk. You don't want to start a difficult conversation in a noisy and crowded restaurant. Instead, choose to talk in the family room. Minimize external distractions. Turn off the television and don't check your phone during a conversation.
Step 4. Start the conversation without expectations
If you start hoping the conversation will end with a certain outcome, you may feel disappointed or frustrated when the outcome is different. Don't try to predict how your parents will behave. Let everything unfold as it is.
- Negative expectations can make you start a conversation with anger. If you expect your parents to resist your urge to go out on an art night, you're likely to follow the conversation with anger and confrontation. This can make parents even more reluctant to listen to your point of view.
- You should also not have too high expectations. If you ask permission to stay out of the house until four in the morning on the night of an art show, it's unlikely that your parents will agree. Try not to push yourself to get something exactly what you want. Know beforehand that you may have to compromise on some things during the conversation. For example, maybe your parents will agree to extend your curfew, but only until one o'clock in the morning, and only if you let them know every half hour.
Step 5. Consider the parents' point of view
Before starting a conversation, consider your parents' point of view a bit. Even if you feel like they are cruel or unfair, in the end your parents only want the best for you. Try to understand the reason for the rules they make. Your parents will be more willing to listen to you if you show maturity by considering their point of view.
- Are there special circumstances at play? For example, maybe you have a sibling who has been in trouble in the past. Your parents may have developed strict rules for you to prevent you from following the same path as your older sibling.
- Remember that being a parent is very difficult. Raising children comes with a lot of pressures that are difficult for you to understand if you are not a parent yourself. Empathize. Put yourself in your parents' shoes and imagine how scary and difficult it would be for them to raise a child in this often dangerous and unpredictable world.
Method 2 of 3: Talking to Your Parents
Step 1. Stay calm
Before starting a conversation, try to remain calm. If you enter into the conversation angry or stressed, you may be motivated to scream and fight. This will make it difficult for parents to see your point of view. Take a few deep breaths just before the conversation begins. This step will help you enter the situation calmly.
Step 2. Be clear and frank with your parents
You need to make sure that you are understood. As you begin to work on expressing your point of view, do so as clearly and candidly as possible. You have to make sure that there is no fuzzy information.
- Be honest about what you want to discuss. Open the conversation by expressing your concern. Start with something like "I want to talk about art night with mom and dad. I've been thinking about it for a while and the 11 o'clock curfew feels too soon. This is a special occasion and I want to be out of the house a little longer."
- Frankly. If you leave vague information, this can reduce their trust. Your parents will be less likely to see your point of view if they feel that you are not being honest with them. Provide all required information to parents. For example, say something like "I know Mom and Dad feel like Tom is a bad influence on me. He'll be joining us for a bit that night, but I'm sure I won't do anything I shouldn't do. If there's alcohol or any illegal activity Anyway, I promise I'll be home soon."
Step 3. Use "I" statements
This statement is a great way to express yourself and let others understand your point of view. The statement emphasizes personal feelings over objective truth. You will tell your parents how you feel about a certain action or behavior. This way, your parents won't feel blamed or judged by your statement.
- An "I" statement consists of three parts. It starts with "I feel," which you immediately follow by expressing your feelings. Then, you state the action that caused the feeling to arise. Finally, explain why you feel that way.
- Expressing your emotions without an "I" statement runs the risk of making you sound judgmental. For example, you may be prompted to say something like "My parents always thought that I would end up like Sinta. I know she failed in high school, but stop looking at me like my sister." This statement is clearly confrontational and accusing. This can escalate the situation instead of allowing your parents to see your point of view.
- You can easily rearrange the sentiments above using the "I" statement. Try something like, "I feel like I've been misjudged when mom and dad bring up Sinta's mistakes and make rules for me, because I'm different from her." It is much less judgmental. You are not expressing anger or frustration, but simply explaining how your parent's behavior affects how you feel.
Step 4. Listen to the parent's point of view
Just as it is important for your parents to understand you, you must also be willing to consider their point of view. Stay calm and listen to what they have to say, even if you feel irritated by their response.
- Your parents may have various reasons for making certain rules for you. Even if the rules seem unfair, you should try to understand them. If you're confused about something, ask your parents to clarify why they feel that way.
- Be polite. Don't say something like "How can you think I'm going to drink just because the other kids drink? That doesn't make sense!" Instead, calmly ask for clarification. Try something like, "I understand you're worried that other kids will affect me, but I've always been very responsible. Can you explain why you're still having doubts?"
Step 5. Avoid arguing and complaining
Sometimes, your parents really can't understand something. Even if they try to listen to your point of view, they will probably hold their opinion quite firmly. If this is the case, avoid arguing or complaining as this will only exacerbate the situation, frustrate both parties and further irritate the parents.
- If your parents don't listen to your point of view, try to end the conversation. Even though you may feel frustrated, continuing to push, argue or complain after a certain point will be counterproductive. Say something like, "Sorry, we both don't seem to understand each other. Maybe we can talk again later."
- There is always the possibility for your parents to change their mind in a few days. Parents aren't perfect and your parents may overreact to certain requests or statements. Even if you're just trying to sincerely express your point of view, this can be misunderstood as an insult or accusation. If the conversation doesn't go well, give it a few days. Then approach your parents again. Say something like, "I know we talked about art night, and you don't seem to like it, but can we talk about it again? There's just a little thing I'm afraid you're misunderstanding."
Method 3 of 3: Stepping Forward
Step 1. Find a win-win solution
The point is to share your point of view to find a way out of a problem. If you and your parents always misunderstand each other, try to find a mutually beneficial solution.
- Look for ways to straighten out miscommunications when they occur. For example, maybe your parents feel that you play with your smartphone too much. Parents come from a generation that primarily communicates through phone calls and face-to-face interactions. They may not understand the function of social media and texting on modern-day relationships.
- Try to say something your parents like, "The next time mom and dad see me playing with a smartphone, think about my age. All my life, texting and the internet have always been a means of communicating with my friends. It may seem trivial, but it's really no different from back when mom and dad called classmates."
- You also have to be willing to compromise. Even though they want you to have a healthy social life, maybe when you are busy with your smartphone at dinner or a family event your parents feel like you are not enjoying your time with them. You can ask them not to make it difficult for you to use your smartphone in your own leisure time. However, you can agree to cut down on smartphone playing time at the dinner table or when you're hanging out with the whole family.
Step 2. Be patient
Change doesn't happen overnight. Maybe your parents need time to hear and understand you after you explain your point of view to them. Don't expect them to change overnight.
- Forgive parents for various small mistakes. Maybe they've agreed not to question your social life too much, because you've already proven that you can be trusted. However, maybe sometimes they still want to know. Try to come to terms with the fact that your mother asked three times in a row about your best friend Lina's new boyfriend.
- Remind your parents politely when they forget your point of view. If your mom asks why you've been on your smartphone for an hour, say something like "I'm sorry Mom, but we haven't talked about this before. I spend a lot of time talking to my friends on my smartphone. I'm just chatting with Sofi, right? Ma'am."
Step 3. Accept rules and responsibilities
While you may want your parents to understand your point of view, you can't expect that you won't be given rules and obligations to follow. It's natural that your parents have certain expectations about your behavior. Try to respect these expectations.
- Be honest about what you are doing. If you are going to watch a movie at the cinema with Ratih, don't tell me you played at Ratih's house that night. If your parents want you to check in with them once in a while, give them a call and/or send them a short message letting you know what you're doing.
- Complete any obligations you have. Do your homework on time, finish your homework, and respect your parents.
Step 4. Talk to your parents regularly
If you want your parents to understand you, active communication is key. Make an effort to talk to your parents regularly. This way, your parents will know you personally. This will make it easier for them to understand your point of view.
- Speak every day. Even if it's just a 10-minute chat over dinner, communication is very important. If your parents ask how you were that day, try to give a more in-depth answer instead of something like "fair" or "good."
- Talk about everyday things. If you're having trouble thinking of a topic of conversation, just talk about small things. Share a funny story about something that happened at school. Let them know about a funny thing your friend Joni said during his lunch break.
Step 5. Think about the bigger picture
There is always the bigger picture at play when there is dissatisfaction or misunderstanding between two people. What is something about yourself that you really wish your parents could understand? How can you continue to explain this as you move forward? What can parents do to help your relationship run more smoothly?
- Let's return to an example mentioned earlier. You want your parents to understand why performing arts nights are important to you. However, on a deeper level you want them to be able to trust your judgment more. What are some ways you can explain this to your parents?
- Small things can be more powerful when it comes to building trust. From now on, you may have to tell your parents about various small aspects of your life without being asked. This can make them less inclined to think that you are hiding something. If you get a bad score in a test, let them know that you were negligent and will try to do better in the future. It is better for them to hear it in advance from you, than to receive the news from the teacher in the next few days.
