Arguing and arguing with parents is inevitable, no matter how old you are. However, dealing with parents when they behave violently or angry is not impossible. If you allow a parent's emotions to subside, understand why they are acting the way they do, and find ways to calmly deal with the situation so that you can thaw out their emotions or unwanted violent behavior.
Note: There is a serious difference between abusive parents and violent parents. If you feel that your parents have been physically, mentally or sexually violent, either against you or against a friend, please click here.
Step
Method 1 of 3: Affirming Yourself in Conversation
Step 1. Take a moment to cool down before talking to your parents
You will not be able to fully express your feelings by yelling and screaming. Remember that a person's behavior is reflected in speech. If you get louder and more angry, your parents will respond in a more violent manner. If you can calm yourself down, they will do the same. If things get really heated, try to talk to them about an hour after the tumultuous event. Don't try to treat it while the "wound" is still bleeding.
- “I need some time to calm down. I would go for a walk around the house/to the room/and so on. Can we talk again in 10 minutes?"
- Close your eyes and count to ten, taking a deep breath at each count. It only takes a few seconds to calm the brain from the initial burst of anger.
- Listen to soothing music. Play some music, close your eyes and concentrate on your breathing to calm yourself down.
Step 2. Recognize and admit any mistakes to take the conversation away from you
It doesn't mean you just give up when they attack you. That action actually shows your willingness to offer them peace. It's more likely that your parents are being mean or angry because they feel you made a mistake or disrespected them. Even if you didn't do anything wrong, apologize for the misunderstanding and promise to fix it. If you offer peace first, however small, you will immediately appease their anger. It all started with an apology.
- "Sorry I forgot to call, I was wrong."
- "I shouldn't have broken my promise, I'm sorry."
- "I didn't mean to scream, I just feel like we misunderstood each other."
Step 3. Listen to them without interrupting
This may be the most difficult part of the whole situation, but it is also the most important. Sometimes abusive parents just need to vent, and you, as their child, are always there to listen. It may be hard for you to listen without interrupting, but most parents will run out of things to say if you let them keep talking. Let them vent, and once they're done, offer up your own version of the story.
- Try to calmly remind your parents not to interrupt when you are talking. If you can keep quiet while they are talking, it will be easier to ask them to keep quiet while you are talking.
- “I want to hear what happened from mom/dad point of view.” Once you are able to understand their perspective, you can work with your parents to improve the situation.
Step 4. Repeat what was the main topic of their argument
If you can repeat what they are saying in a cooperative and calm manner, it can help parents believe that you can understand them. Especially if you can show them how their words relate to the bigger picture. Most importantly, it lets you take control of the conversation, reformulating their concerns from a personal point of view.
- "I can now understand that mom and dad were worried I'd get in trouble if I didn't call."
- "I know you're worried that I won't have enough time to finish my homework."
- "I understand that you are upset that you love me and want the best for me."
Step 5. Describe your point of view in order
Most of the fights, anger, and cruelty that parents do because they don't understand the situation from your point of view. Instead of shouting "You don't understand me at all!", take the time to tell them what you think. Tell the story from your own point of view in a calm and rational pace. They'll have a hard time responding with anger if you give them a reasonable view. So defend yourself and show them that there is an explanation for your actions.
- "I didn't know it looked like that. Actually what I was doing was…."
- "I just wanted to tell my version of it first."
- "I understand why mother has such a view, but from my point of view…."
Step 6. Work out a solution together to make sure such a fight doesn't happen again
Don't wait for your parents to punish you. Be proactive and offer suggestions, working together to find ways to avoid the same fights in the future. You need to show that you are part of the conversation, and you will improve the situation. This way allows your parents to side with you, even if you feel they are actually at fault. Be sure to keep the situation pleasant, while trying to defuse the parent's abusive behavior before the signs start to appear. For example:
- If you forget to call them or forget to let them know, promise that you won't use your phone for a week if you forget again next time.
- If they ask you to help with household chores, make a list of the jobs you are willing to do, and when you can complete them each week.
- If they want to interfere in your private life, ask if they'll let you invite a new friend or boyfriend over to dinner or a movie so they can get to know him.
Step 7. Recognize that parents' "cruelty" is just their way of showing concern
In almost every situation the parents didn't really mean to be mean. Instead, they are just trying to protect their child. Parents love you, and their anger is usually triggered by fear, such as fear of missing you, fear of you not respecting them or their wishes, fear of you not trying hard at school, and so on. Once you recognize why your parents are being mean, it will be easier to calm them down and make them feel happy again.
Are parents really being mean, or are they just making decisions you don't agree with? Likewise, are you being mean, or are your parents just disapproving of your decision? Think about this before you vent your anger
Method 2 of 3: Asking for More Freedom and Respect
Step 1. Make a list of reasonable and actionable requests
If you just say, "Father's attitude is bad", there's not much you can achieve. You have to make more specific specifications to allow real change to occur. Take some time to ask yourself, what exactly made my parents so mean? What can we do to change it for the better?
- Don't think that you're making a list of demands. You certainly don't want your parents to feel like hostages.
- Think of the reason behind each request. Tell them that their nickname offended you, or that you didn't have time to clean your room because of your homework and sports.
Step 2. Find a quiet place to talk to your parents
Once you've calmed down, you should tell your parents that you need to discuss something important with them. Find a quiet place in your home where you won't be disturbed and choose a time that fits your schedule so you have at least an hour to talk.
- "I wonder if we can talk one-on-one in the living room after dinner."
- "I really want to let out the things that are stifling my chest."
Step 3. Tell them how their behavior affects how you feel
Maybe they don't realize that their attitude looks cruel. Telling them how you feel may be enough to make them reflect on their own behavior and look for ways to improve it. Be honest, open, and specific, while using stories from the past to show them that this isn't just your imagination.
- If you want them to listen, you have to be willing to listen too. You may be surprised to learn that your parents may feel the same way about you.
- Don't accuse or be mean to your parents. Your actions will make them defensive, and even more cruel or angry.
Step 4. Don't leave the conversation, even when the situation is heating up
Nod your head when they talk, don't cross your arms and legs, and make eye contact with your parents when they talk. If your body language indicates that you are listening, they will be encouraged to talk and you will appear cooperative and calm. Focusing on the conversation will help you appear mature and rational.
- Don't sigh or use gestures that show you're frustrated.
- Do not fold your arms or legs. This action will make you look closed off.
- Don't scribble, cross their arms, or move around restlessly when they're talking. Give them your full attention.
Step 5. Set smart and realistic goals that you can achieve with your parents
After you tell them how you feel, make your request. Let them know you want to put it together and would appreciate their input. If you have solid and tangible goals that can be achieved, it will be easier to see real progress and you can use it as a reference if parents violate what has been a mutual agreement.
- If you want more free time with friends, say that you will only leave after all your homework is done.
- If you feel like you're being overburdened at home, show them your schedule and offer them that you'll set aside a certain amount of time to do chores on the lawn.
Step 6. Maintain communication, while working together to build respect, every day
One talk will not change the whole relationship in an instant. This effort must be made continuously. So, make sure you keep in touch with your parents. Remind them of your promises, and fulfill the obligations you have agreed to to ensure they will also fulfill theirs.
Review the conversation after 1-2 months. If all goes well, thank the parents for their support and respect. Reaffirming the positives is helpful
Method 3 of 3: Dealing with Parents' Cruel Attitudes That Won't Let Up
Step 1. Understand the parent's point of view
Try to be open to how parents feel in such situations and the reasons behind their behavior. Most of the time, you're not the only reason your parent is being mean. Just like you, they too have stresses, worries and relationships to deal with, and it's undeniable that some of these tensions spill over onto you. That's the risk of being part of a family.
- Are there ways to help parents deal with their stress? Maybe helping with 1-2 extra tasks will eventually help them relax and make everyone happier.
- Is parental concern or “cruelty” really such a big deal in the grand scheme of things? Are they just in a bad mood because of work, or are they downright mean?
- Beyond those minor incidents, ask yourself did your parents show you support, love, and care? All parents can be a little angry, but that doesn't mean they hate you.
Step 2. Be calm and show respect, even when they are being mean
If you throw them into a fight every time you feel like they're being mean, you're only going to make their anger flare up. Everyone has hard days, is in a bad mood, and mistakenly thinks someone is hurting them. If you take your anger out on your parents whenever they show anger, you will only develop a pattern of cruelty. Instead, be yourself and decide wisely whether you need to get into an argument with them.
Go alone for a few minutes if you're feeling upset. Most likely, in solitude, both you and your parents will forget why everyone feels angry
Step 3. Spread positivity
Be a happy person at home. Having a positive, supportive mindset is contagious, and has been shown to prevent bullying and anger in most people. You only need a few simple things like:
- Thank your parents every day for something, like dinner, vacation plans, new baseball gloves. The most important thing is your gratitude.
- Tell your parents that you love them. A simple, but caring card on their birthday, a quick hug before going to school, a quick “I love you mom” before going to bed once in a while, all those little things will eventually become big and can defuse the cruelty better of anything.
- Apologize when you mess up. Face their anger and admit your mistakes. By taking control of the situation, you're giving them less opportunity to get angry.
Step 4. Build a group of friends who support you outside of your home environment
If there are church groups, clubs, sports, support groups, etc. that your friends join or that interest you, you should find out when they have meetings and ask your parents if you can go. If a friend joins the group, ask them if you can go with them. This kind of organization can help you form a positive identity and purpose outside of your family.
Going outside is a good way to relieve tension between parent and child. You have your own life to live, and your parents don't have to do everything for you
Step 5. Know when normal parenting turns into violence
Most parents would never dream of committing violence against a child, and generally discipline, debate, and punishment do not include child abuse. However, you must talk to a guidance counselor, directly contact the Komnas Child Protection hotline at 021-8779 1818, or the public complaints hotline at 082125751234 if you experience the following:
- Constantly being belittled, being bullied, receiving unpleasant nicknames, or experiencing verbal abuse.
- Feeling horrified or very frightened when around parents.
- Feeling rude or insecure.
- Beating, assault, or serious threats.
- Sexual violence or harassment.
Tips
- Time is your best friend. Try to give them some time between fights or after a major event that could make them angry. Everyone will behave better once they get a chance to cool off.
- Don't let your parents deny how you feel. Just because they had a bad day doesn't mean you don't have the right to feel hurt by their actions and want an apology.
- Make sure your voice is heard! The law states that children have the right to express themselves.
- Remember to stay calm and listen to each other's perspectives. The situation may not be as bad as you think.
