The loss of a child is the saddest form of loss. You are mourning not only for his life so far, but also for his future and what he could have accomplished had he been alive. Your life changes forever. However, this is not the end of your life either. You will definitely get through this mourning period. Read the tips below.
Step
Part 1 of 4: Helping Yourself in Mourning
Step 1. Soak up all the feelings that are raging inside you
You have the right to feel whatever feelings are inside of you right now. You may feel very angry, guilty, want to deny reality, grief, fear, all of which are perfectly natural for a bereaved parent. There's nothing wrong with you. Allow yourself to soak it all in. It will be too difficult for you to suppress all those feelings. If you suppress it, you will only exacerbate feelings of the saddest thing that has ever happened in your life. It's natural and healthy to let yourself soak in all those feelings because it will make it easier for you to accept reality. You won't be able to completely forget this, but you will have the strength to face reality. If you don't get into your own feelings, you'll have a hard time moving on with your life.
Step 2. Get rid of the schedule
You don't need a schedule to determine when your bereavement process ends. Everyone is different. Parents who have lost a child may have the same feelings and difficulties, but each parent's journey is different, depending on their personality and living conditions.
- Over the years, we have all agreed that every mourner goes through five stages that begin with denial and end with acceptance. The new idea holds that there is no series of stages to go through during mourning. Instead, when mourning, various kinds of feelings will rage within a person and eventually he can get through it. In a recent study, scientists found that many people accept the departure of a loved one from the start and want that person by their side rather than feeling angry or depressed.
- Because the grieving process is different for each person, couples are usually confused because they don't understand each other's ways to deal with their bereavement. Understand that your partner has different ways of mourning and allow them to mourn in their own way.
Step 3. Don't worry if you don't feel anything
During the mourning process, many people feel nothing at some point. At times like this, they usually feel that what they are experiencing is just a bad dream or that the world is spinning while they are just standing still. The people and things that used to make them happy now don't cause any feelings. This situation can pass quickly or even drag on. In essence it's your body's way of offering protection from feelings that overwhelm you. Over time, your feelings and connection to things will return.
Most people stop feeling anything a year after the departure of their child, which is followed by an awareness of the reality that is now in front of them. Many parents feel the second year is the most difficult to pass
Step 4. Decide whether you should stop working or not
There are parents who cannot work because they are in mourning, while there are parents who have to work and carry out activities as usual. Study the bereavement policies in place in your workplace before making any decisions. There are also companies that offer paid leave or the opportunity to take unpaid leave.
Don't let the fear of letting down the workplace force you to return to work before you're ready. According to the executive director of the Grief Recovery Institute, a company could lose $225 billion a year from decreased productivity due to the further impact of employee bereavement. "When someone we love dies, we lose the ability to concentrate or focus," Friedman says. "Your brain doesn't work the way it should when it hurts."
Step 5. Be more diligent in worship
If you can feel comfortable with the beliefs, teachings, and rituals of your religion, be more prayerful and ask for help to heal your bereavement. However, be aware that losing your child can hurt your confidence, and that's okay. After a certain period of time, your faith will return. Either way, if you're religious, trust that God is great and can handle your anger, annoyance, and grief.
Step 6. Postpone decision making
Wait at least a year before making a decision that has a major impact on your life. Don't sell your house, move house, divorce your partner, or change your life drastically. Wait for the situation to calm down so you can see all the options in front of you more clearly.
Beware of impulsive decision making in everyday life. Some people adhere to the notion of "life is short". They can take unnecessary risks to give life meaning. Monitor your behavior to make sure that you are not doing anything harmful
Step 7. Trust the timing
The phrase, "Time can heal all wounds," may sound meaningless and cliché, but the truth is, you will slowly recover from this loss. At first, all the memories of your baby will hurt your heart, even the good ones, but at some point, things will change and you will start to cherish those memories. Those memories will make you smile and feel happy. The feeling of mourning is the same as a roller coaster or a tidal wave.
Know that it's okay if you want to stop mourning for a while to smile, laugh, and enjoy life. It doesn't mean that you forget about your baby because it's impossible
Part 2 of 4: Taking Care of Yourself
Step 1. Be kind to yourself
While it may be very tempting to blame yourself for this incident, resist the temptation. There are things in this world that are inevitable. Blaming yourself for what you could, would, or should have done goes against the recovery process.
Step 2. Get plenty of sleep
Some parents just want to sleep. Others walked back and forth at night and watched television blankly. The departure of the baby has a huge impact on the body. Science has shown that a loss of this magnitude equals severe physical injury. So you really need to rest. Go to sleep if you are already sleepy. If you're not sleepy, try to create a relaxation routine at night that starts with a warm bath, then progresses to drinking herbal teas and relaxation exercises so you can sleep well.
Step 3. Don't forget to eat
Sometimes a few days after your baby's departure, your relatives and friends will bring you food so you don't have to cook. Try to keep eating regularly to stay energized. You will have a hard time dealing with negative feelings and daily activities if your body is weak. In the end you still have to cook yourself. No need to cook troublesome dishes. Just fry tempeh, tofu or cook enough soup so that it can be eaten several times. Choose a restaurant or shop with a healthy menu that can be delivered to your home.
Step 4. Don't run out of fluids
Whether you have trouble eating or not, drink at least eight glasses of mineral water per day. Also have a relaxing cup of tea or keep a bottle of mineral water within your reach. If you get dehydrated, your body's energy will be very depleted, while without even dehydration your energy will be depleted.
Step 5. Don't drink too much and avoid narcotics
It's natural to want to forget the memory of your baby's departure, but excessive drinking and drug use will only add to the problem.
Step 6. Take prescription medications only if recommended by your doctor
Some parents feel that they need to take sleeping pills and anti-anxiety and antidepressant drugs and those drugs can help them deal with this situation. There are a wide variety of medications out there and finding the right one for you can be a troublesome task that should be done under the supervision of a doctor. Consult with your doctor to find the right medication and make a plan for how long you should take it.
Step 7. Review your relationships if they are no longer healthy
At times like these, it's common for some of your friends to withdraw. Some withdraw because they don't know what to say, and for those who are already parents, they withdraw because they don't feel comfortable being reminded that they could lose their child in an instant. If a friend is forcing you to go through bereavement immediately, set limits on the topics he or she can and cannot discuss with you. If necessary, stay away from people who try to dictate your bereavement process.
Part 3 of 4: Commemorating Children's Memories
Step 1. Have an event to remember your baby
A few weeks after the funeral or when you feel the time is right, invite friends and loved ones to a party or dinner to commemorate the baby. Use this event to share your sweet memories about your baby. Invite people to share stories and/or photos of kids. This event can be done at home or a place that the child likes such as a park, playground, or even the RT hall.
Step 2. Create an online site
There are companies that provide online places to share photos and videos of their children and even record their life stories. You can also create a Facebook page dedicated to your child and limit it to only your family and friends.
Step 3. Create a scrapbook
Collect photos, works, report cards, and children's memories, then arrange them in a scrapbook. Write small notes or stories that can accompany these photos. You can see this scrapbook when you want to be close to your baby. This is also a way to help his sister understand her brother.
Step 4. Donate some money in memory of your baby
You can donate some money to an event or program on behalf of your child. For example, you could donate to your local library and ask them to buy a book in memory of your child. Depending on the library's policy, they may even put a special label on the book cover with your child's name. Choose activities and organizations that reflect what your child likes and cares about.
Step 5. Create a scholarship
You can contact the development department at a university or work with certain foundations to provide scholarship funds. You need around 200 to 300 million rupiah to create a scholarship that disburses around 13 million annually, but each foundation has its own policies. Scholarship funds also provide an opportunity for your friends and relatives to remember your child by participating.
Step 6. Be an activist
Depending on the circumstances of your child's departure, you may become involved with organizations that raise specific issues or demand changes to the existing legal system. For example, if your child died of a drunk driver, you might want to join the Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) community.
Take inspiration from John Walsh. After Adam, his six-year-old son, was murdered, he responded by supporting legislation to strengthen laws for perpetrators of violence against children and hosting a television show focused on catching dangerous criminals
Step 7. Light the candle
October 15th is Memorial Day for Loss of Babies and Pregnancy. This is a day to commemorate and remember babies who died during pregnancy or childbirth. At seven o'clock in the evening today, parents around the world light candles and leave them burning for at least an hour. Due to the time zone difference, this warning is described as a wave of light covering the world.
Step 8. Celebrate his birthday if you want
Your child's birthday can be very painful at first and you may choose to just try to get past it. However, some parents feel at peace when celebrating their child's birthday. If celebrating makes you feel comfortable and can remember all the good, funny, and brilliant things about your little one, start making plans for his birthday celebration.
Part 4 of 4: Getting External Help
Step 1. Visit a psychiatrist
A good psychiatrist can help you, especially if the psychiatrist specializes in bereavement. Surf online to find a psychiatrist in your neighborhood. It's a good idea to interview a psychiatrist over the phone first before consulting with him. Ask him about his experiences with bereaved parents, his process with patients, and whether he includes a religious or spiritual element (as you may want to), his rates, and his schedule. Depending on the circumstances of your baby's departure, you may have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). If that's the case, finding a psychiatrist who specializes in PTSD will be more helpful.
Step 2. Join a mourning group
Knowing you're not alone and someone else is going through the same thing can make you feel more at ease. Groups of mourning for the elderly exist in various places. Surf online to find groups in your neighborhood. Such groups offer many benefits such as being able to share stories in a supportive and non-prejudiced environment, reducing feelings of loneliness, and being around people who think your emotional responses are normal and normal.
There are two types of groups. Which has a period of time and which is not limited. Time groups usually meet once a week for a predetermined time (six to ten weeks) while unlimited groups are more free and open so that at each meeting different people attend and meet less frequently (once a month or two months)
Step 3. Look for online forums
There are many online forums dedicated to supporting those who have lost loved ones. However, remember, loss here includes everything (including parents, spouses, siblings, and even pets). Look for something special for parents who are mourning the loss of a child so you can better understand what you are feeling right now.
Tips
- Cry if you need to, smile if you can.
- If you start to get hysterical, take a break from your activities and relax. You don't have to do anything and it's okay to just watch television, read, or sleep. Calm yourself.
- Don't expect there will come a day when you no longer think about your child. You love your child and will miss him for the rest of your life, that's okay.
- Do things that can channel your grief. You don't need to explain to anyone for what you did to channel your grief.
- Pray as often as possible if you are religious.
- At night, when you are lonely and can't sleep, write a letter to your departed child to let him know that you love him and how much you miss him.
- Don't limit your liver's recovery period. It may take years before your heart heals, and feeling normal in that moment will become the new standard of normal in your life. Your life will change completely and you may not be able to return to your usual normal feelings, but that doesn't mean your life is over. It's just that your life is different now, will never be the same again, changed because of your love for your child and his love for you.
- Try not to worry about the little things. As a bereaved parent, you are now going through the toughest thing of your life! There is nothing more severe and painful than this.
- Pay attention to your health because it will definitely be affected. Go to the doctor immediately if you feel sick.
- If you are trying to kill yourself or know someone is trying to kill yourself, call emergency services immediately.
Warning
- If you can, reconsider your intention to follow the tips above and call for help.
- Some people contemplate suicide because they do not believe they can endure such intense pain.
