Frustrated by having a grown-up child, but sadly still living in your home today? Is your home starting to feel like a hotel that you can access for free? If you want to encourage your child to leave the house and live a more independent life, but the desire is rejected by him, try reading this article to find powerful tips!
Step
Part 1 of 3: Detecting Children Who Are Using You
Step 1. Assess the situation as objectively as possible
As a parent, surely this desire is motivated by various emotions. On the one hand, you enjoy being around him, don't want to be seen as “throwing him out”, or don't want to see him hit by various difficulties in life. However, on the other hand, you may feel that your child is too dependent on you so that if this step is not taken, surely he will never be able to become an independent individual in the future? Understand the situation before communicating it to the child!
Step 2. Write down all the reasons why you want to ask your child to live independently
Tell the truth! Write down all the reasons why you feel uncomfortable with your child, and don't feel guilty afterwards. Some of the reasons may be self-explanatory, such as because your child is constantly violating your privacy or taking your belongings without your permission. However, there are also reasons that are more implicit, personal, and even embarrassing, such as because you accidentally see your child or hear your child have an intimate activity with their partner, or because you are always obliged to wash their clothes.
Consider the real reasons behind your child's inability to live independently. Sometimes, parents are hesitant to ask their child to live independently if they feel that the child does not have sufficient resources to live without their help. In fact, in many cases, children actually have the ability to live independently even if they have to lower their standard of living, such as moving from a comfortable house to a cramped apartment. If you feel that is the cause, asking your child to stay will actually only accommodate his comfort, not be a solution to the real situation
Step 3. Don't violate the child's privacy
Remember, the condition of the child is bad enough because he cannot live life as an independent individual. Therefore, don't add to his burden by showing your lack of trust in him. In other words, do not violate the child's boundaries by dismantling his belongings without his knowledge. You're both adults! Therefore, act like an adult by asking the things you want to know from him.
Part 2 of 3: Delivering Your Wish
Step 1. Make sure you have one vote with your partner
In fact, the opinions of both parents regarding the desire to "kick out" their children are often inconsistent. Therefore, before cramming the idea of living independently with your child, make sure you and your partner share the same view on this issue. If necessary, read this wikiHow article on how to compromise with your partner to make the process easier.
Step 2. Ask your child's desire to get out of your home and lead a more independent life
Although it sounds simple, actually this question can give you an idea of the reasons for your child to stay in your house, you know. Generally, the child will answer, "I want to, but …" followed by various reasons to justify his opinion that the situation is not ideal now. After hearing the child's answer, try to evaluate the reason objectively while keeping in mind that the child may not state the real reason, such as because he is lazy to do his own laundry or can use your car without having to pay for insurance, etc. Whatever answers your child gives, which are generally made up, try to analyze them objectively:
- "I'm looking for a job." Is that statement true? How often do you see him browsing job search sites? Right now, is he volunteering to make connections and fill his resume with something quality? Is he aiming for any job or the perfect job? Is he willing to work the minimum wage until he finds a better job?
- "I can't afford a new place to live." Is your child really not able to afford a new place to live or can't find a place to live that is as comfortable as yours? Maybe he can't rent a house in your neighborhood for some reason, like not having a good enough career. Try to observe the conditions around you. Where do young adults usually live? Does your child feel "too good" to live there? Do these feelings actually appear in your mind?
- "I want to save up to buy a house, buy a car, apply for a graduate program, etc." All of them are probably the most plausible reasons, only if the child really takes responsibility for his words. How much money do you currently have in savings? What is the main purpose? Is he constantly wasting money or does his saving pattern depend heavily on the new movies or video games that come out that week? If your child can prove that saving is a priority right now, then you have nothing to worry about. However, you still can't just get carried away. If that's the case, then you should be able to view account mutations or details related to their income and expenses, just as financial aid agencies may look at a person's tax history before providing financial assistance to him or her. Therefore, feel free to develop strategies to build more positive adult relationships.
Part 3 of 3: Setting Deadlines
Step 1. Set a deadline, if you feel your child is ready to live independently
Point out that if the deadline is not met, the child will have to pay the rent as well as contribute to paying for water, electricity, etc. Some people will be moved to live independently after being “forced” to contribute financially by their parents.
- Ask the child to make a plan. For example, ask your child to think of ways to get a job, save income, find a new place to live, etc.
- Get your cardboard and calendar ready, then put your deadline on it.
Step 2. Tell your child what they can and can't bring with them as the deadline approaches
For example, explain what furniture or bedding you can and cannot bring to your new home.
Step 3. Take unmet deadlines seriously
In other words, send all billing information to the child. If he is still shirking his responsibilities, start cutting off cell phone, television, etc. service.
Step 4. Charge rent if your child keeps making excuses to stay in your home
Most likely, the child will not feel comfortable if you have to pay rent. As a result, he will be angry and compelled to immediately live independently!
Tips
- Shortly after the child graduates from college, there is nothing wrong with giving a "gift" in the form of assistance for the child to move to a more independent place to live. Help your child find a roommate or roommate and donate just enough to pay for the child's rent for the first few months. As a result, children will feel they have a responsibility to cover their personal needs by working harder. Although it feels difficult, "expelling a child with love" will at least train him to take responsibility for his own life.
- A more extreme step is to change places of residence. Some retired parents choose to move to a location that is quieter, more remote, and may be less comfortable for their children. Some locations don't even accept residents who haven't reached retirement age, you know! If you want, you can also move into a smaller house and explain to your child that you need to save money to prepare for possible retirement. Also explain that the new house does not have enough room to accommodate your child.
- Before deciding to kick out an adult child, try to take the time to listen to his opinion and share the reasons behind your desire. Remember, someone who is truly an adult will not mind listening to the opinions of other adults to find the most appropriate solution. Take the opportunity to negotiate!
- On the other hand, always remember that the house was bought with your own money and hard work. This means that you have no obligation to "negotiate" with an adult child. If you want to enjoy the house without the presence of children in it, understand that you have the right to make that wish come true. That is why, all parties must be able to empathize with each other in order to maintain a complete and positive family relationship.
- If you have difficulty paying for your child's needs, the best step you can take is to ask your child to pay rent and contribute money to pay for some of their needs. After that, you can save most of the money you earn in a special account. When your child takes the initiative to move or is asked to move, give him the savings. At the very least, he could use it to make a down payment on a new residence, etc. Generally, this is the most effective step because the child will not suspect that you have been planning this for a long time. It's best to convince the child that the monthly rent is a responsibility they have to pay every month, as expected by all landlords.
Warning
- Before going too far, such as changing the lock on your house, getting rid of your belongings, etc., first learn about the laws that apply in your area regarding evictions. Even if he or she is your child and has no obligation to pay rent, many states have eviction laws that you must follow.
- Because the current economic conditions are unstable, understand that finding a job is not easy. In addition, the salary offered may not be too large when compared to the higher needs of life. Therefore, set reasonable expectations!
- Make sure your child doesn't have a mental illness, such as depression. Since such an illness can deplete his energy, you will most likely have to help him find the right kind of help. Even if your child has reached adulthood and you are no longer responsible for caring for him, ignoring his illness is irresponsible because it puts your child's life at risk.
