Raising children can be tricky at times. You are dealing with someone who is changeable and emotional, who is starting to become more and more independent. Once your child is sexually active, you may have more difficulty dealing with it. You can try to build constructive communication and teach children. There are steps you can take to effectively deal with a sexually active child.
Step
Method 1 of 3: Communicating Constructively with Children
Step 1. Ask a question
One of the best ways to deal with children is to establish effective communication. This is especially important when the child is already sexually active. You two should have a productive conversation. Asking good questions is an important part of that.
- If you're not sure if your child is sexually active, you can ask. Try saying, “Ratih, is your relationship with Amir progressing? What have you been up to?"
- Try not to force the subject on the child. Based on the person, many teenagers feel embarrassed when asked about sex.
- Instead, say, “I want to talk to you about something important. Do you have time?"
- If you believe your child has had sex, there are many questions you should ask. One of the most important is, "Are you playing it safe?" You can also ask, "Is there anything I can help you with?"
Step 2. Be straightforward
When talking to children about sex, it's a good idea to be direct. It means you intend to have an honest and open conversation. It will convey to the child that discussing this topic clearly is important.
- Try saying, “I know you and Dini are playing. I need to know if you are wearing protection or not."
- You can also tell your child right away that you can always be expected to provide support. You can say, "If you want to talk, daddy's here, okay?"
- State clearly your facts and opinions regarding sex. For example, make it clear that oral sex is also a form of sexual intercourse.
Step 3. Be open minded
Try to put personal feelings and emotions aside when discussing sex with your child. You have the right to have your own beliefs and values, but you also want your child to know that your child can safely talk to you.
- You could say, "I don't really agree with your decision to be sexually active, but I love and support you."
- Be a good listener. Show through your words and body language that you are open to listening to whatever your child has to say.
- Nod and maintain eye contact. You can also make statements that show that you're listening, such as, “That was fun. Tell me more."
- Don't expect your child to have the same sexual experiences as you. Maybe you choose to wait until you get married and that feels like an unrealistic choice for your child. Try to understand it.
Step 4. Establish an honest relationship
After having an initial discussion about sex, don't let the issue go unnoticed. Make sure to keep your lines of communication open. Check with your child often enough to find out how to deal with sexual activity.
- Your conversation doesn't have to be explicit. You can say, “How are you and Budi? Have fun, aren't you?"
- Try to have an honest relationship with your child. Explain that you will always be there to listen and offer advice if needed.
- Your entire relationship doesn't have to and shouldn't revolve around your child's sexual life. Remember to have other conversations too.
- Don't forget to say things like, "How was your art assignment?" Or you can ask friends he doesn't like romantically.
- Have fun with the kids. Don't let sex change your relationship. Keep doing things you enjoy, like cooking or watching a football game together.
Step 5. Start the conversation early
Don't wait until your child is sexually active to start discussing sex. Start the conversation when the child is younger. The specific age is up to you, but many parents start discussing sex with their children towards the end of elementary school.
- Explain what sex is. That way the child will not be confused because of the rumors circulating where he plays.
- Establish early on that you are open to discussing sex issues. That way, when your child is a teenager and sexually active, you're ready.
- You can also explain your sexual values to your child. Help them to understand the emotional implications of sexual intercourse, as well as the physical components.
Method 2 of 3: Providing Resources for Children
Step 1. Teach children
One of the most important things you can do is help your child take responsibility for the sexual relationship. Even if you don't agree with her choice to have sex, you have to make sure that the child is safe. Help him by providing informative resources.
- Listening to you talk is educational. You can explain to your child the importance of having a relationship with a partner who cares and respects him.
- You can also use scientific knowledge to teach children. Provide information regarding Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) and modes of transmission between partners.
- Explain that intercourse is not the only form of sexual intercourse. Make sure your child understands that he or she can get STDs from oral sex too.
- Organizations like Planned Parenthood offer a wealth of information about sex in general, and teen sex specifically. Contact them for a brochure that can help.
Step 2. Explain the consequences
Try to convey to the child how big the impact of sexual intercourse. Make sure you make it clear that there may be physical consequences. For example, sexual intercourse can lead to an accidental pregnancy.
- STDs are also an unwanted consequence of sexual intercourse. Ask the child how the plan is to prevent physical harm.
- Make sure you convey the emotional consequences as well. Explain that there are different levels of emotional intimacy between two people who have had sex.
- Talk to your child about caring for his feelings. Does the child know how to communicate his emotional needs?
Step 3. Provide birth control
Make sure the child has access to birth control. If you provide it yourself, you can rest easy because your child has safe sex. Even if you don't agree with your child's choice of sex, you can still help make sure your child is safe.
- Tell children how to get condoms. Anyone who is sexually active, male or female, should be able to buy their own condoms.
- Do not let children depend on others to provide security. Encourage children to protect their own bodies.
- If you have a daughter, take her to the doctor for prescription birth control pills. Your doctor can help you and your child determine if birth control pills or other hormone therapy are right for him or her.
Step 4. Support healthy relationships
Encourage your child to have sex only with someone he or she trusts. Explain what a healthy relationship is. For example, it includes trust, generosity, and respect.
- Make it clear that if your child's relationship is healthy, you will support it. You can say, “I think Puri makes you happy. Mom is happy."
- If you're worried about the relationship, share your concerns. You could say something like, “My mother thinks that Budi likes to be in control. Don't you think so?"
- Show that you trust your child, but that you encourage him to have sex only when he is already in a healthy relationship.
Step 5. Set limits
Just because you're discussing sexual relations with your child doesn't mean you're no longer responsible for household chores. When setting limits for children, you are actually providing a different kind of resource. Boundaries help children learn responsibility and respect.
- Set boundaries that make you uncomfortable. For example, make it clear that children should not have sex at home.
- You should still feel free to set a curfew. Just because a child is sexually active, doesn't mean he or she is an adult and can do whatever she wants.
- Explain to your child that even if he decides to do an adult activity, he is still your child so he has to follow some rules while living with you.
Step 6. Discuss your values
Tell your children your family values. Have an open discussion about how you feel about intimacy. This will provide an additional frame of reference for the child.
- You might say, “In this family, we take intimacy very seriously. You have to think carefully before doing it."
- You can also explain how faith influences your opinion of sexual relations. For example, there are many people who do not have sex before marriage.
- Tell your child that your grades are important to you. However, you want to hear the value too.
Method 3 of 3: Finding a Support System
Step 1. Find the information yourself
Dealing with a sexually active teenager can sometimes be overwhelming. You may be emotional. You may also not be sure what information you can provide. That's normal.
- Take the time to find information that can be useful for yourself and your child. If you have a trusted doctor, that's a great start.
- Ask for any information you can give your child regarding STDs, pregnancy, etc. from the doctor. You can also ask for information about how parents are dealing with these changes.
- Organizations like Planned Parenthood also have good resources. Ask them if they have materials to help parents deal with emotional times.
Step 2. Help the child to find trusted people
Your teen should feel like you can be trusted. However, helping the child to find other sources of support is just as important. Having more than one person to lean on will make him feel more comfortable.
- Ask your partner to get involved. Make it clear that your child will appreciate additional resources.
- Other family members can also be a good source of support. If your child has a favorite family member, encourage that person to talk openly with your child.
- Offer to take the child to the doctor. Talking to someone who is able to be objective will help.
Step 3. Watch your emotions
Your biggest concern right now is probably how your child deals with sexual intercourse. However, you must also remember to take care of yourself. Many parents go through a tough emotional period when they finally find out their teen has had sex.
- Remember that your feelings are normal. Many parents are not ready to see their child grow and feel a little sad and anxious when their child becomes sexually active.
- Feeling emotional is normal. Try to find a support system for yourself.
- Talk to your partner. Or ask a friend to provide a shoulder for you to lean on.
- Try to remember to live life to the fullest. Your teen's sexual life doesn't have to be the main focus of your world.
Step 4. Seek professional advice
If you are both struggling with the situation, you can seek professional help. Consulting with a counselor can be good for both yourself and both of you. This will help, whenever you are dealing with emotional changes.
- You can also get professional advice from other sources. Consider consulting the medical staff at the school or a counselor.
- There are also plenty of online resources to help yourself and your teens cope with change.
Tips
- Research has linked sexual relations between teens with low self-esteem, so try to build your child's sense of self-worth.
- Be patient. Give yourself and your child time to adjust to this situation.
- Make sure your child is aware of the consequences of being sexually active.
