Calming people who are angry certainly requires a lot of patience. When someone is angry, the word "calm down" may actually make things even more murky. You can calm an angry person by actively listening to the person and distracting them. However, when the anger is really explosive or unpredictable, it's better to walk away than try to calm him down.
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Part 1 of 4: Keep Calm
Step 1. Avoid fighting
When someone is very angry, getting angry too will only make things worse. You have to stay calm so the situation doesn't escalate into a war of argument. Of course, that doesn't mean you have to suppress all the feelings that come up, but try not to get too angry.
One way to stay neutral is to let go of your ego and not take everything the other person is saying to heart. Your natural response to an angry person is to try to protect yourself or your reputation. However, you need to remember that an angry person cannot have a reasonable conversation until he has calmed down
Step 2. Avoid taking a defensive position
When someone is angry, you absorb the negative emotion very quickly and immediately take a defensive position. When you communicate with someone who is angry, be aware that their anger is most likely not about you. Separate that person's feelings from your own, so you can stay nice to the person without feeling like you're being scolded.
Step 3. Stay in the present
Angry people tend to bring up problems or conversations that happened in the past, especially if that person is also making you angry. Fight it by keeping your focus on the present and solving the problems that are in front of you. Don't let yourself be dragged into being angry about various problems that occurred in the past.
If the topic of conversation between you and the other person is getting dragged into the past, say something like: "We can talk about that later. Now, I think we need to focus on the problem that's making you angry and find a solution. We'll work it out one by one."
Step 4. Stay calm and still
If the angry person yells or pours out his feelings, just let him finish. The best thing you can do is stay silent or say nothing. If you do speak, speak in a small voice. When silent, keep your facial expression neutral and your body language open. You'll stay in control if you don't "bait" the screaming person.
There is a difference between allowing people to express their feelings and being a victim of verbal abuse. If the person is yelling, swearing, or venting unrelated anger at you, say, "I understand you're angry and I'm here to be with you, but please don't take your anger out on me."
Part 2 of 4: Reducing Someone's Anger
Step 1. If you're wrong, apologize
If you did something wrong that angered the person, apologize sincerely. Apologizing is not a sign of weakness. It shows that you care about the feelings of the angry person. Think about whether you did something wrong, and if so, apologize. Sometimes, a person's anger will lessen after the guilty person apologizes.
- On the other hand, if you're not wrong, don't apologize just because you want the person to calm down.
- This is what an effective apology looks like: "I'm sorry for spending your retirement money on a trip to Bali. I don't know what I was thinking at the time, and I can understand your anger. Now let's try to find a solution."
Step 2. Don't say "calm down"
An angry person is led by his emotions, and he does not access the rational part of his brain. If you try to argue with the person or ask them to "remain calm," you will only exacerbate the situation and make the person feel ignored.
Step 3. Use listening techniques
When people are in intense feelings, they want to feel that someone cares. Listen to what the person has to say. Look into their eyes, nod when necessary, and ask the person how they feel. Conversation like this creates a feeling of being cared for, which will calm the person down.
Of course, sometimes angry people don't want to be asked all kinds of questions, so they may think that no one will understand them. Try your best, but if he's not in the mood for a heart-to-heart talk, don't force it
Step 4. Understand her feelings
Of course everyone can be angry. But sometimes anger is a mask for other feelings, such as feelings of pain, shame, or sadness. Whatever the reason for someone's anger, listen carefully and understand how they feel (of course, you don't have to agree with what they are saying). Postpone judging the person because it will come across as indifference, which is shown by the words or body language you use.
- Express that you understand his feelings by saying: "It must be hard for you" or "I understand why you're angry."
- Meanwhile, the following statements: "Let go of your anger" or "I've been through that too, and get through it just fine", are not very helpful.
Step 5. Show empathy
This can take the form of trying to understand the person's perspective, feeling sad because the person is sad, and being able to relate to his feelings. You can show empathy for an angry person by showing that you listen to what they are saying and understand what they mean.
- To empathize with someone who is angry, you can paraphrase the source of that person's anger. Say: "So you're angry because you think you have to do all the housework?"
- You may want to say, "I understand how you feel." But statements like this can sometimes make the person angrier. Angry people tend to believe that no one knows how they feel.
Step 6. Lighten the mood with humor
You will need to read the situation or know the angry person well to determine if this method will work. Humor is effective against anger because it changes chemical processes in the body. Joking, or stopping and pointing out something funny and then laughing, can lighten the mood and possibly get the angry person out of his or her temper.
Step 7. Make room for him
There are people who like to talk, there are people who prefer to process their feelings alone. If talking makes the person even more angry, leave him alone for a while. Most people need at least 20 minutes to calm down, but some people take longer.
If you think the person needs some alone time, say: "I understand you're angry, but I don't think I'm helping you calm down. Maybe you need some alone time. I'll stay when you're ready to talk."
Part 3 of 4: Finding Solutions
Step 1. Consider whether you can help the person
If the person's anger stems from a problem that can be solved, you may be able to help. If he's calm enough to talk to you, come up with a solution and help him come up with a problem-solving plan.
Sometimes you can't get angry people to talk about this. Decide in advance whether you need to wait until the person has calmed down enough to discuss with you
Step 2. Focus on the future
Indeed, when processing angry feelings, the focus needs to be on the problem at hand. However, when looking for solutions, try to focus on the future. This will help the angry person to think more logically and focus more on the solution, rather than dwelling on past or present anger.
Step 3. Help him accept that there may not be a solution to his problem
Not every problem or situation that can make someone angry has a solution. If that's the case, you need to emphasize to the person that he or she should immediately process his emotions and leave his anger behind.
Part 4 of 4: Leaving People Angry
Step 1. Leave the person if you can't calm down
If the person continues to offend you or pulls you into anger, as much as possible, walk away from them. If you get angry too, the situation will become even more turbulent. Instead, leave the situation so that the anger doesn't escalate into a fight.
Step 2. Know what violence is
Anger and violence are not the same thing. Anger is a normal human feeling that needs to be overcome. Meanwhile, violence is an unhealthy way of interacting with other people and can be dangerous. Some of the things below are indications of violence, not anger:
- Physical bullying (whether or not it ends in a fight)
- Makes you feel guilty
- Mocking or swearing
- Controlling or coercing sexually
Step 3. If the situation escalates into a fight, dodge immediately
If you're dealing with a person who has an anger problem and you're afraid of being mistreated by that person, find a safe place immediately. Domestic violence is a cycle, and if a cycle occurs once, it will happen again. You need to secure yourself and your family physically and emotionally. The public complaint hotline telephone number 082125751234 can be contacted 24 hours a day by anyone who wishes to report cases of violence/abuse against women and children. The following are signs of the use of force:
- You are afraid to make the person angry
- That person humiliates, criticizes, or doesn't support you
- That person has a violent and unpredictable anger
- That person blames you for his violent behavior
- That person is threatening to hurt you
