Dealing with people who are angry with you can be difficult. Anger can appear in almost any situation: when you're with friends, strangers, at home, or on the streets. Angry confrontations can also occur in the workplace, with colleagues, supervisors, or customers – especially if your job involves direct contact with the general public, for example by providing services or managing finances. This experience may occur frequently, but it is still unpleasant and confusing. You can't control the other person's reactions, however, be aware that there are strategies you can use to keep yourself safe and control interactions.
Step
Method 1 of 5: Keeping Yourself Safe
Step 1. Get out of situations that feel dangerous
You may not always have the option to leave an angry state immediately, such as when a customer yells at you at work. However, if you feel you are in danger, leave immediately or try to keep as much distance as possible from the threat.
- If you are dealing with an angry person at home or at work, visit a safe public place. Avoid places without an exit, such as the bathroom. Also avoid places with items that can be used as weapons, such as the kitchen.
- If you are dealing with an angry customer, try to keep your distance from them. Take cover behind the service desk and keep out of reach of his hands.
Step 2. Get help
You have the right to stay safe. Depending on the type and severity of the threat, you can reach out to a friend for help. If you think you are in serious danger, call 112 or other emergency services.
If you are in a work environment, contact an authority figure, such as a manager or member of the security forces
Step 3. Take a “break time”
If the situation is tense but not actively dangerous, take time to pause. Use “I” based statements, such as “I need to calm down for 15 minutes before speaking again.” At this time, do something calming to control your emotions and give the other person some time to calm down too. Meet again at a specific place and time to discuss the problem.
- Always use "I" statements when asking for a break, especially if you think the other person is really at fault. Saying "I need some time to think" may calm an angry person instead of making them defensive.
- Avoid accusatory statements, such as “You need time to calm down” or “Calm down”. Even if you think these things should be said, the person you're talking to will only get more defensive or even angrier.
- Don't be afraid to ask for extra time off if the other person is still dangerous or angry. Ideally, both of you should do something calming and easing while you're resting.
- If a few breaks still don't calm the person you're talking to, consider suggesting discussing the matter only when a neutral third party is present. This third party can be a therapist, HR representative, spiritual leader figure, etc.
Method 2 of 5: Monitoring Response
Step 1. Take a deep breath
Stressful situations, such as when someone is angry with us, can trigger a “fight or flight” response, which speeds up the heart rate, speeds up breathing and shortens it, and sends stress hormones throughout the body. Counter this response by taking deep breaths to help yourself stay calm. Remember: two angry people will only make an already tense situation worse.
- Inhale for a count of 4. Feel your lungs and stomach expand as you inhale.
- Hold for 2 seconds, then exhale slowly for a count of 4.
- As you exhale, focus on relaxing the sathe muscles in your face, neck, and shoulders.
Step 2. Watch your emotions
Reacting calmly to an angry person can help reduce a tense situation. Responding with anger will only make things worse. Take a walk, meditate, and count down from 50 to calm yourself down.
Step 3. Avoid taking things personally
You may find it difficult to let go of personal feelings from a confrontation with someone who is angry. Remember, anger is usually a sign that the other person hasn't learned to respond in a healthy, assertive way to situations that they perceive as threatening. Studies show that when people remind themselves that they are not responsible for other people's anger, their chances of getting angry are also reduced.
- Anger is exacerbated by several factors: insecurity, lack of choice, disrespectful behavior, or passive-aggressive responses to a problem.
- Humans feel insecure when there is a certain level of uncertainty in a situation. If their basic level of order and security is threatened, people may react by showing anger.
- People may also be rude when they feel their options are limited. This attitude arises from a sense of helplessness because of the few options available in a situation.
- When people feel unappreciated, they may get angry. For example, if you talk to someone in an angry tone or don't respect their time, they may be angry with you too.
- In addition, humans can also get angry to make themselves feel better. If someone is angry, consider the possibility that the anger is a response to something in their life, not to what you have done.
- If you have wronged the other person, take responsibility and apologize. You are never responsible for the response; in fact, no one can “make” another person angry. However, admitting mistakes can help the other person to process their feelings of anger and hurt.
Step 4. Stay calm
Speak in a calm tone. Don't raise your voice or scream in response to someone's anger. Use body language that is calm but firm.
- Avoid bending over or crossing your arms in front of your chest. Body language like this indicates that you are bored or shut off from communication.
- Relax the body. Set the posture for assertiveness: keep your feet firmly on the floor and stand with your shoulders back and chest leaning forward. Make eye contact with the other person. Body language like this shows that you are calm and in control, but not to be underestimated.
- Watch for aggressive responses, such as clenching your fists or tightening your jaw. Violating the other person's "private space" (which is generally 90 cm) is also a sign that you are acting too aggressively.
- Stand at a certain angle from someone who is angry, rather than directly in front of them. This position will feel less confrontational.
Step 5. Watch for risky communications
Keeping yourself calm when someone is angry with you is extremely difficult, but you should still try to do it and communicate with a clear mind. If any of the following is present in your interaction, it means that the communication was ineffective and you should address it immediately:
- Shout
- Threat
- cuss
- Dramatic statements or hyperbole
- Dangerous questions
Method 3 of 5: Interacting with Someone Who Is Angry
Step 1. Know when it's time not to talk
Some emotional and physical cues are key indicators of risky communication patterns. These clues have a short term HALT, which means hungry (hungry), angry (angry), lonely (lonely), and tired (tired). These conditions can exacerbate the heat and prevent resolution. Even if the other person is already angry with you, if this anger doesn't subside (even after taking a break) or is exacerbated by any of the above, avoid the discussion until each party's physical and emotional needs are met. We'll quickly discuss why each of these conditions can prevent step-by-step problem solving and communication.
- When you feel hungry, the ability to think rationally that focuses on goals will decrease. The body does not contain enough fuel and you can do or say anything to meet its needs. Research shows that humans and hungry animals are more willing to take risks. Hunger affects our decision-making abilities as well as our behavior – these are two things we must always control when confrontation occurs.
- Anger is an emotion that is difficult to express constructively. Generally, anger is expressed through insults, insults, silly actions, and even physical violence. What's more, people often show anger, despite the fact that they feel sad, confused, jealous, or rejected. When other emotions are influencing anger, it is more difficult for a person to look at the situation objectively and find a solution. He must take the time and have personal space to check his feelings before he can communicate productively.
- Loneliness means a person feels isolated from others. People who do not have a sense of belonging to a community will have difficulty maintaining an objective attitude in a confrontation.
- Feeling tired during an argument can also cause problems. Lack of sleep results in poor mood, cognitive function, and performance. Fatigue also affects the ability to make decisions. You may be able to see a solution clearly if you get enough rest, but drowsiness will only cause you to think for hours without success.
Step 2. Acknowledge the other person's anger
If he yells at you, don't support his anger. However, be aware that anger is usually a response to feelings of being misunderstood or ignored. Admitting that he has every right to be angry is not the same thing as agreeing to his actions.
- Try saying something like, “I understand you're angry. I want to understand what happened. What made you angry?” This shows that you're trying to see things from their point of view, which can help the person feel better.
- Try to avoid being judgmental when doing this. Don't ask questions like, "Why are you being so annoyingly angry?"
- Ask specific questions. Ask specific questions (calmly) about things that make the other person angry. For example, “What words did I say that made you angry?”. Sayings like this can encourage him to calm down and think about why he's angry, and realize that everything that really happened was just a misunderstanding.
Step 3. Avoid actions that force the other person to be silent
Making a hiss of “Psst” or preventing him from expressing his feelings won't help. In fact, it might even make it worse.
It also shows that you don't acknowledge his feelings. Remember, even if you don't understand how he or she is feeling, the same experience is completely real to that person. Ignoring it will not help you to defuse the situation
Step 4. Listen to the other person
Be an active listener. Show that you're interested by making eye contact, nodding your head, and using phrases like "uh huh" or "mmm-hmm."
- Don't get caught in the act of defending yourself while he's talking. Focus on the words.
- Listen to the reasons given for why he is angry. Try to imagine the situation from his point of view. If you were in that situation, would you feel the same way?
Step 5. Confirm what it says
One of the reasons a tense situation can get worse is because of miscommunication. After someone tells you why they are angry, confirm what you heard.
- Use statements that focus on the word "I". For example, “I hear you're upset that this is the third phone you've bought from us, and it's not working. Is that true?"
- Things like, “Sounds like, you think _” or “Is this _ what you mean?” will help ensure your understanding of the other person. It can also help them feel acknowledged, so they may feel less angry.
- Don't decorate or rearrange the other person's words after you've confirmed it. For example, if he complains that you're always late to pick him up in the last 6 days, don't say something like, "I heard you're angry because I'm always late." However, focus on what he is really saying: “I heard you were angry that I was always late in the last 6 days”.
Step 6. Use “I” statements to communicate self-needs
If the other person continues to yell or act aggressively, use "I" statements to convey your needs. This way, you will avoid blaming him.
For example, if he yells at you, say something like: “I want to help, but I don't understand what you're saying if you speak too loudly. Can you repeat it more slowly?”
Step 7. Be empathetic
Try to consider his point of view. Empathy can help you deal with your own emotional responses. In addition, empathy also enables you to communicate effectively with the other person.
- Saying something like, “That sounds really frustrating” or “Yeah, I understand that would make you angry” can help calm your anger. In some cases, people really just want to be heard. Once they feel understood, they can rest easy.
- You may have to mentally tell yourself that the person is angry and do your best to communicate his feelings. This way, you can reframe the situation in your mind.
- Don't underestimate the problem. Although it seems trivial, the other person may not feel it.
Step 8. Avoid mentioning your intentions
Think about the possible consequences. If someone is angry with you, it means that they feel hurt by you in some way. Your first reaction may be to defend yourself and state the reason behind an action. For example, avoid saying, "I was planning to take your shirt from the laundry, but I forgot because I was working late." Even if your intentions are good, at this point, the angry person probably won't care. He is dealing with the consequences of your actions, and this is why he is angry.
- Instead of declaring a good cause, try to see it from their point of view and notice how the consequences of your actions affect the person. Say something like, "I realize now that forgetting your shirt has made it difficult for you to plan for tomorrow's meeting."
- This concept may make you feel disloyal to your own principles. You may really feel that you have done the right thing and are just unlucky when you are guilty. If this is the case, try to imagine that the other person is not angry with you, but with someone/something else. Consider how you would resolve the situation if you were not the 'guilty party'.
Method 4 of 5: Resolving Anger
Step 1. Approach the situation with an open mind
After you have listened to the other person, consider how to resolve it.
- If you believe the other person has a valid reason to be angry with you, accept that reason. Admit your personal mistakes and ask what you can do to fix them.
- Don't make excuses or get defensive. You will only make him angrier, because he will feel as though you are not acknowledging his needs.
Step 2. Offer a solution
Be reasonable and communicate clearly and calmly. Try to focus on what he has told you.
For example, if the other person is angry because your child threw the ball and broke the window, tell them what you are going to do. For example: “My daughter broke your window with her ball. I can arrange an appointment with a handyman to fix it in two days, or you can call your own handyman and send me the bill.”
Step 3. Ask for alternative options
If he's not happy with your suggested solution, ask him to offer another resolution. For example, say something like, "What do you want in a situation like this?"
- Try discussing solutions that focus on the word “we” to encourage collaboration. For example, “Okay, if my suggestion is not acceptable, I still want to find a way to solve this problem. What we can do?"
- If he suggests something that doesn't make sense, don't scold him. Instead of doing this, suggest a counter offer. For example: "You want me to fix the broken window and pay for the carpet cleaning for the whole house. I think it's fairer if I fix the window and pay for the carpet in the living room. What do you think?"
- Trying to agree can help steer the interaction toward a solution. For example, you could say something like "I understand that we have to be fair here…". This way can help convey that you are also trying to achieve the same goal.
Step 4. Avoid using the word “but”
“But” is known as a “verbal communication mess,” because it can completely negate what you said earlier. When people hear the word “but,” they tend to stop listening. They will just assume that you are saying, “You are wrong”.
- For example, don't say things like "I see what you mean, but you should _"
- Instead, use "and" statements such as "I can see what you mean AND I know the need for _".
Step 5. Say thank you
If you manage to reach a resolution, conclude your interaction with the other person. Say thanks to him. This shows that you value him and can help him feel that his needs are being met.
For example, if you are able to negotiate with an angry customer, say: “Thank you for allowing us to resolve this issue.”
Step 6. Take some time
In some cases, someone's anger may not go away right away, even if you do your best to resolve it. This is especially common in situations involving deeper hurt, such as when the other person feels betrayed or manipulated in some way. Accept the fact that feelings of anger may take some time to completely go away. Don't force your will.
Step 7. Look for a third party that can intercede if needed
Not all conflicts can be resolved, and not all anger can go away, even if you remain calm and respectful throughout the day. If you've tried various tactics with no significant progress, you may have to stay away. A third party, such as a therapist, mediator, or HR representative may be able to help negotiate the situation.
Step 8. Consider professional help
In addition to third-party mediation services, seeing a therapist or psychologist trained in anger management and conflict resolution may be helpful. This is especially useful if the person who is angry with you is someone important in your life, such as a spouse, parent, sibling, or child. If you are constantly arguing or if someone tends to get angry easily at the slightest provocation, see a professional. He can help mediate situations and teach effective communication and problem solving skills.
The therapist can teach family members or friends ways to relax and deal with stress, methods of dealing with feelings of anger, strategies for expressing emotions, and jA therapists can teach your family member or friend ways to relax and handle stress, methods of overcoming angry feelings, strategies of expressing emotions, and ways to recognize negative thought patterns that cause anger
Method 5 of 5: Apologizing Effectively
Step 1. Think about what you did that made the other person angry
If you did something wrong, you may have to correct the situation by apologizing and making amends.
- Don't try to make excuses for your behavior. If you are guilty, admit the mistake.
- Think about whether it's better to apologize during the interaction or later when the other person has calmed down.
- Analyze whether your apology will feel sincere and meaningful to the situation. Don't apologize if you don't mean it, or your problem will only get worse.
Step 2. Express empathy and regret
Show the other person that you regret your words or actions that influenced them.
- You probably didn't mean to upset him or hurt his feelings. Regardless of your intentions, make sure you recognize your own behavior that has a negative effect.
- Frame your apology with a statement of regret. For example, you could start by saying "I'm sorry. I know I hurt your feelings."
Step 3. Take responsibility for your actions
An apology must include a statement of responsibility to be effective and able to resolve the issue. In other words, state how your actions contributed to creating feelings of frustration and hurt in the other person.
- An example of a responsible statement would be, "I'm sorry. I realize my lateness made us miss the show."
- Alternatively, you could say, "I'm sorry. I know my carelessness disappointed you."
Step 4. Offer a solution to the situation
Apologies are useless unless you state how the situation was resolved or how to avoid it from happening again in the future.
- These offers may include offers to help the other person or ways not to repeat the same mistake in the future.
- For example, you could say, "I'm sorry. I know my lateness caused us to miss the show. From now on, I'm going to set an alarm on my cell phone one hour before my scheduled departure."
- Another example is, "Sorry. I know my carelessness caused you to stumble. I'll be more careful where I put my luggage in the future."
Tips
- Never be afraid to ask for a few minutes alone before handling an angry situation. This way, you will feel relieved and will help you control your emotions.
- Try to sound sincere when apologizing. Humans are very capable of detecting insincerity and dishonesty. Both of these things can make us even angrier.
- Remember: you can't control other people's responses. You can only control your own actions.
Warning
- Be wary of people who say things like “Why do you always make me so angry?”. This is a sign that they do not accept responsibility for their behavior.
- If you feel you are in danger, call for help and try to leave the situation.
- Do not use abusive language or behavior.
