Both love and sexual attraction can cause strong reactions, but sometimes it's hard to know which feelings you're going through. Sometimes, one person feels love while the other only relates to him out of sheer lust. Understanding these differences can help you determine where your relationship with him is going.
Step
Method 1 of 4: Distinguishing between Love and Lust
Step 1. Identify if what you and he feel is sexual attraction
Signs of lust can include focusing on one another's appearance, having a sex-centric relationship and not being too interested in having serious conversations to get to know each other. Having a relationship based entirely on sexual attraction can work for a while, but things can get complicated when one party feels love for the other while the other only feels lust.
Step 2. Ask yourself if you or he feels love for each other in the relationship
Love is usually accompanied by sexual attraction, but feelings of love go deeper. Think about whether you and your partner have had long, deep conversations to really get to know each other and whether you value each other's happiness. Analyze whether you want to be a part of her life by getting to know her friends and family, and whether you feel a romantic attachment to that person. Do you both share the same values and interests? Do you feel a deep connection with that person? Some of the qualities you can find in a suitable partner include:
- Have a commitment to develop personality and become a better person
- Be aware of their own problems or weaknesses.
- Have emotional openness
- Be responsible and respect you
- Integrity; he is honest with you, with himself and with others.
- Love because he feels satisfied with himself, not to feel satisfied with himself.
Step 3. Recognize that biology plays a role in this
Lust and romantic love are two of the three brain systems that help explain human universal attitudes toward marriage and reproduction. Sexual attraction, romantic love and long-term feelings of attachment work together in different proportions to create feelings of love in a relationship.
Step 4. Suggest doing different activities with him
Try to find shows you both enjoy. If it's easy to find something you both enjoy doing, you may be starting to feel in love. If you're having a hard time finding anything that doesn't involve physical intercourse or promises of sex to share, chances are you're just experiencing sexual attraction.
Method 2 of 4: Communicate Your Expectations
Step 1. Talk to him about what satisfaction he gets from this relationship
If he's only talking about your appearance or your sex life, it shows that it's very likely that it's all just sexual attraction. Even though you may feel love, you should consider how the other person feels and the concept of your relationship. Discussions like this can be awkward, but they can also explain how you both feel.
- "I really like spending time with you and hope you like spending time with me too. What activities do you enjoy doing with me the most?"
- "I don't want the conversation to be too serious, but I was wondering if you like our relationship the way it is or do you end up wanting a more distant relationship?"
- "I know we never settled on anything and that's fine, but I want to know how you view our relationship."
Step 2. Ask yourself if you want to continue the relationship if you both have different end goals
While lust can turn into romantic love, often lust is just a matter of sexual attraction and will not develop into anything further than that. While you may really want a relationship with that person, if he doesn't feel the same way you won't be able to make the connection you want.
Step 3. Pause the relationship if the two of you can't come to an agreement
Sometimes both parties need time to think about what they really want. If you both have different thoughts about where the relationship is headed, you may not be able to come to a common understanding of what both of you are going through. It's great if you can have a common vision of where your relationship is headed. But this is often difficult, if not impossible to achieve, if you and your partner have very different views on what each expects from this relationship. At that point, you may need to break the relationship.
Method 3 of 4: Communicate about Your Relationship
Step 1. State your vision of the relationship
Be honest with him. If you want a monogamous romantic relationship, let him know. If you want a non-committal relationship, he should be told too. Don't just assume he knows what you want – tell him.
- "I want to continue this relationship with you, but I hope we can agree to be loyal to each other. I really like you and want to see where our relationship goes."
- "I think we hit it off really well and I'd like to continue. But I'm not looking for further commitment at this point. What do you think about that?"
- "I'm not sure where our relationship will go, but I want there to be something special between us and I want to explore it. What do you think if we cut off our physical relationship for a while and get to know each other personally?"
Step 2. Determine if he has the same goals in the relationship
If he agrees, find out the expectations of each of you. Whichever relationship you choose is up to you – from lust-based to romantic love, and everything in between. Think about how to achieve your relationship goals if you and your partner want the same thing. If you both only feel lust, what parameters will you use for the time you spend together? If you both feel romantic love, the next step forward towards what commitment you want to take together.
- "I want us to stay together like this, but I really want you to meet my friends – they really want to see you. Would you be willing to come to the party with me?"
- "I know we're both busy and want to keep things light. How about we keep in touch when we're alone?"
- "May I call you my lover? I know we haven't talked about this, but I wish we could confirm our position in this relationship."
Step 3. Keep communicating with each other about the relationship
You may find that your image of where the relationship is going will change over time. It's possible that the romantic love you thought you were feeling was actually just a fleeting passion and you just want to be in a physical relationship with the other person and stay that way. Or you may find that a relationship of sexual attraction leads you to a deeper connection and the beginning of romantic feelings of love.
- "I know we've talked about where this relationship is headed, and I think I'm quite happy that we can be friends helping each other and that's enough."
- "Our closeness has been very pleasant and I feel a deeper connection. Would you like to spend some time without needing to make out to see where our relationship is going?"
- "I was confused. I thought I wanted a _ relationship with you, but now I'm not so sure. I think I want a _ relationship instead. How do you feel about this?"
Step 4. Be honest if you don't like the direction the relationship is going
You've outlined what you want from a relationship, now you have to make sure he really knows what you need. In the first stages of a relationship, it's easy to let things go, but this can lead to problems later on. Tell him what you want and need.
- "I love going out with you, but can we do something else this weekend?"
- "You always seem to want to spend Sundays with your family. I don't mind doing it once in a while, but I'd like to do other things too. Could we just be alone this weekend?"
- "I was sad when I realized the fact that our relationship was only about making out and watching TV. Can we sometimes plan something else?"
Method 4 of 4: Breaking A Relationship
Step 1. Cut off your relationship with people who don't agree or share your vision of the relationship
This can happen early when you are just getting to know each other, or later when the relationship has become a part of life. Even though you desperately want the relationship to work, if you can't come to an agreement on the parameters of the time you're spending together, the relationship isn't going to work. Procrastinating might seem like a good idea, but it usually only makes it harder for you to leave as time goes on.
- "I don't think we and will ever want the same thing. I think we should end this relationship."
- "Our relationship has been great, but I have to move on. I want something different from you than what you want from me."
- "I love you, yet you don't reciprocate those feelings and it's too painful to be in a relationship with you knowing that fact. I can't keep in touch with you."
Step 2. Give yourself time to move forward
Although immediately looking for a replacement for him feels very tempting, your condition is emotionally fragile. Spend time with friends and family, reconnect with your interests, and reflect on what you've learned from the recently ended relationship. Recharging your emotional strength is an important step before you try to find someone new.
Step 3. Find what works for you
Are you looking for romantic love or someone who is simply in a relationship based on physical attraction with you? Your answer may change based on your position in life. Think about where and how to meet the kinds of people you want to date. Whether in person or over the internet, you have many options when it comes to finding your next relationship.
