You value your mother very much, but sometimes she can get in the way of your feelings. There are many types of relationships between children and mothers, ranging from happy relationships to feeling mistreated or humiliated by their mothers. If you're having trouble having a good relationship with your mother, realize that you can't change her, but you can change the way you interact with her.
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Method 1 of 4: Dealing with Disagreements
Step 1. Be the initiator
It's natural to expect your mother to approach first, but don't be afraid to make contact with her. Maybe he wants to be the first to take the initiative but doesn't know how, or maybe he's just like you who is afraid of rejection. If you keep waiting for him to take the initiative, don't be surprised if your relationship doesn't progress.
Before you decide to talk to him, find out what you want to talk about, and how you go about it. Enter the conversation with the intention of solving the problem, not accusing your mother
Step 2. Displace the fear
Instead of harboring anger and fear, realize that you don't have to react. Ask yourself, "What can I do to cool this down?" You are not responsible for managing your mother's emotions, and her anger or frustration is not your problem either.
Acknowledge her emotions without responding by saying, "I can see that you're angry right now."
Step 3. Take a choice
If your mother tries to push you into a decision or makes you feel like you have no choice, ignore this bluff. Remember that you always have a choice, no matter how helpless you are made by others. When you get to a point where it's non-negotiable, be firm and don't give up.
Tell mom that you have a choice and you have the right to make that choice. Thank him for sharing his point of view with you, but remember that you are free to make up his mind
Step 4. Forgive your mother
Don't hold on to hate. Apologizing doesn't mean justifying his behavior, pretending something didn't happen, or letting the blame slip by. By forgiving, you too can be free from hatred or negative feelings towards your mother. The sooner you can forgive, the sooner you can make things right.
Method 2 of 4: Facing Certain Situations
Step 1. Fight his attempts to control your decisions
Your mother may be trying to control your life, who you spend time with, where you go, or how you do things. He may try to make sure things go his way and show discontent if you do something against his will. If you want to make decisions on your own without being hindered by your mother, try to be assertive. When making a decision, don't let his opinion influence you.
- When buying an item, say, "This item meets my needs and I need it."
- If you're doing something that he thinks should be done differently, say, "I did it this way, and this way works for me."
Step 2. Don't listen to the criticism
Remember that just like you, your mother made mistakes. When he's quick to criticize your lover, the way you live, or the way you raise children, it's okay to admit that you are trying your best and that you could make mistakes. If he talks about one of your mistakes, it's okay to admit it. "Yes, Mother, I was wrong. But the important thing is that I learn from it." A concise answer can end this topic of conversation.
- When you make a critique, respond by saying, "Thanks for the input, Mom. I'm doing my best to work around it."
- Maybe you can address this critique if it really bothers you. "I don't know if you realize it, but I often feel criticized by you. I really want a good relationship with you, but it's hard for me to have that if you keep criticizing the way I live my life."
Step 3. Deal with the anxiety
Remind yourself that parenthood is not easy and no one chooses to suffer from anxiety. Even so, it sucks to be the object of an outlet for mother's anxiety. Remind yourself not to blame him for his anxiety; it's not fun to experience anxiety.
- Talk to mom and share how you feel. You could say, "I don't like it when you're constantly worried about me. It's as if you don't believe me."
- If you think your mother has an anxiety disorder, slowly let her know so you can seek help. "Mom, I see you're often anxious. I want you to know what it's like to enjoy life, and I think going to therapy can help you."
Step 4. Deal with overprotectiveness
As a young child, you have no other choice but to follow your parents' requests. But as you grow older, you have more and more control over your life if you allow yourself to do so. Your mother may not want you to have more control, but ask yourself, "Do I have control over my life or does my mother have it?" You're unlikely to end your mother's control over your life as long as you're still trying to please her. Changing the way you interact can upset your mother that she can no longer control you the way she wants.
- You have the authority to let him interfere and control your life or reduce his habit.
- If you're upset that your mom calls you multiple times a day, it's up to you to decide whether or not to answer the phone. If you feel unhappy when you have to talk to him that often, you may not be able to answer the phone. While this decision of yours may upset him, it's okay to have control over your life.
- Try saying, "Mom, I want to be a responsible and productive adult and I want to do it myself. I really need your help to become an independent adult."
Method 3 of 4: Repairing Your Relationship
Step 1. Train yourself to be receptive
Realize how hard you try, you can't change your mother or her behavior. Maybe you found a way to accept him, your relationship with him, or his "weirdness." Try to learn to accept your mother, both positive and negative things about her.
If you feel a responsibility to change it or make sure your sibling has a better life, realize that you likely can't influence her to change her behavior. This is not your responsibility
Step 2. Control the contact with your mother
This may be more difficult to do if you are still living with him, but if you live separately, it is easier to do. Instead of going to his house or having him come to yours, try to meet in a neutral place. If you meet in a public place, it's easier for you to leave and the conversation can be more neutral because it's rude to get angry or behave badly in a public place.
If you don't like your mother coming to your house or are afraid that she will criticize your belongings or the cleanliness of your house, don't invite her to come. If the mother comes without telling her first, let her know that you can't accept her behavior
Step 3. Try to empathize
Your mother may have a hard time understanding your wants and needs because she lacks empathy. Maybe you're confused about why your mom treats you this way and it could be because she doesn't understand what it's like to be treated the way she treats you. It's normal to want to reject or avoid him, but you can choose to love him. Empathize with him as you would expect him to empathize with you.
When you feel like reacting out of anger or frustration, pause and then respond with kindness and compassion
Step 4. Keep expectations realistic
As a child, you need a lot of attention, affection, and guidance. If your mother let you down, you tend to remember her always and may hold a grudge against her for not being able to meet your needs. Keep your expectations realistic regarding your relationship with your mother, and don't set standards for them to be met. It can be hard to accept it sometimes, but moms are human too and she makes mistakes or can't meet your needs.
Try to discuss your relationship with him. Maybe he wants to see you 3 times a week while you only want to see him once a week. By knowing each other's desires and the differences between these desires, you too can reduce the stress that arises in your relationship
Method 4 of 4: Changing Your Actions & Mindset
Step 1. Focus on how you feel
Instead of blaming your mother and accusing her (which you may not make up), try to focus on how you feel and how this is affecting you. You can't change your mother's behavior, but you can change how you react to her through your feelings. Even if he doesn't care about your feelings, you've created emotional boundaries for yourself.
Instead of saying, "You have such a heart," try saying, "I was really hurt when you said that to me."
Step 2. Change your behavior
Your mother's behavior may really upset you, but remember that you can't change her behavior while you can change yours. If you tend to get angry with him during an argument, try to respond in a different way, such as responding calmly or not responding to his anger. Take a look at how this change in your behavior affects your relationship and how it responds to you.
If your mom is constantly criticizing you that you're not good at one task (like washing the dishes), see how she responds when you follow her lead and do this task well and on time
Step 3. Practice firm boundaries
Perhaps you can establish physical and emotional boundaries with your mother. Maybe it's time to move out of your mother's house, or cut back on visits from her. You may have to set boundaries regarding him coming to your house without telling you or cleaning your house. Emotional boundaries include being firm in how you choose to be treated. You could say, "I want a good relationship with you, but when you criticize me, I have to leave because it's not healthy for me."
Perhaps you should clearly communicate these boundaries to your mother. Say, "I don't want you in my room when I'm not home, and I hope you respect my privacy."
Step 4. Agree to disagree
You could go on and on and on until you realize there are a number of topics on which you will disagree, including religion, romantic relationships, marriage, child-rearing, or career choices. Try to learn to listen to each other's opinions with respect and then leave the topic. Accept that there are some topics on which you will disagree and let it happen.
Don't make the decision to please mom if you don't feel happy. Ask yourself, "Should I make this decision?"
Step 5. Disconnect contact
If you feel like you can't turn the situation into a positive one and your mother figure is toxic in your life, it might be time to step away from her for a while or cut ties. Consider this if your physical and emotional health has been negatively affected by your relationship. Be aware that this is an extreme option and should be considered carefully. If your mother is a hurtful and hateful person, you are under no obligation to see her or spend time with her.
- Maybe you can stop seeing her face to face and keep in touch via phone and email.
- In the end, do what works best for you. Prioritize your happiness and health.
Tips
- If you are very stressed out dealing with your mother, make sure you have the medium to vent it. You can exercise, write in a diary, and chat with someone to reduce this stress.
- Even if you are very frustrated with your mother, don't run away to drugs or alcohol.
