Forgiving people who have hurt you is not an easy thing. However, sincerely forgiving someone can help improve your feelings and even improve the relationship. Forgiving someone who has hurt you has been shown to relieve stress, so you are actually helping yourself in the process. Learning to forgive someone is sometimes a long and intense process, but it's better than holding a grudge.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Changing the Point of View
Step 1. Get rid of hate
If you hate someone because of the pain their actions cause, you will never be able to move forward, neither in your own life nor into continuing the relationship. Accept that what happened has happened, by saying things like, “I am angry that _ has broken my trust and I accept that all of this has happened” and “I accept what has happened and this pain”.
- Accept what he has done and admit that you cannot control it. However, you can control how you react.
- Acknowledge your own shortcomings and the possibility of hurting others to help accept your faults and let go of resentment. Everyone makes mistakes, and admitting mistakes will help you understand the mistakes of the person who hurt you.
- Eliminating hate is not an overnight endeavor, but the sooner you try, the more it will become a priority. Instead of fidgeting, focus on the future.
Step 2. See the big picture
As you move toward forgiveness, take a step back and think about how much pain it is causing. Is his action really forgivable, or will you not think about it again after a month? Think, "Is this still a problem tomorrow?" Only you can decide.
Include morals and personal beliefs in your analysis. If you really can't tolerate cheating, and your partner is cheating on you, your moral compass may not let you forgive him. However, if you personally think your unfaithfulness can be corrected, you may be able to forgive
Step 3. Think of all the good things in your relationship
Do you enjoy being with him because he is funny or do you two often engage in intelligent talk? Are you both good parents in raising children? Are you sexually satisfied? Make a list of all the good things about a platonic or romantic relationship with the person who hurt you. Assess whether the good side outweighs the mistake it did.
Start by writing down smaller positive attributes, such as, “He took the trash out” or “He sent helpful links from work”, then work your way up to larger positive attributes like personality or a good deed he does
Step 4. Discuss the situation with someone
If you are feeling very hurt and angry, talking to someone can help you see the situation from a different perspective. Instead of getting lost in thought or isolating yourself, talk to other people to see things in new possibilities and so you don't feel alone. You may also get valuable advice that can help you understand the situation better, and have a stronger intention to continue the relationship.
Maybe you don't want to talk to a lot of people and risk a flood of opinions. Pick a few trusted friends or family members whose opinions you really value
Step 5. Let the time pass
Another important aspect of forgiving someone is taking time to be alone with your thoughts. If someone has really hurt you, such as a lover who betrayed you or a friend who has said hurtful things behind your back, take a few moments to be alone. Also, in the process you will gain different points of view. For example, right now what your partner or best friend says may seem very hurtful. However, after some thought, you might understand why he said that.
If you and this person live together, you may need to find another place to live temporarily, if that's possible. If you don't live together, explain that you need some time away from each other and that you'll reach out to them when you're ready
Part 2 of 3: Having the Talk
Step 1. Think before you speak
Prepare how you will start the conversation and what you want to say. Even though you may feel bitter, angry, hurt, or confused, you should find a way to express your emotions in a gentle way, not to explode or say something you don't really mean. Take a deep breath before and after each comment, and try to be as natural as possible.
- Before opening your mouth to speak, estimate how the other person would hear your words when spoken or the impression the other person would get. Your words may hurt him, and then you are in a position to apologize and have to be forgiven.
- Try to write down exactly what you want to say, and practice in the mirror so that your words are exactly what you want them to be.
Step 2. Express your feelings
As part of the conversation, say what effect his actions have on your feelings. You must convey the pain you are feeling as honestly as possible. Communicate your feelings openly to show that he really hurt you and that you are having a hard time dealing with it. Look her in the eye and speak slowly to show that you are serious.
- Use “me” statements like “I feel sick when you cheat on me because I have always been faithful and loved you, and I think you feel the same way”, or “I feel angry when you gossip about me because I don't feel like I'm doing anything worth gossiping about.”
- Use the general formula “I feel _ when _ because of _”. Focus on conveying your feelings, not on the negative actions he took.
Step 3. Listen to his point of view
Each coin has two sides. Give him a chance and listen to what he has to say. Let him talk, don't interrupt. Try to see the situation from his point of view.
- To be a good listener, make eye contact, get rid of all distractions like cell phones, and open your mind. Also, try to provide appropriate feedback by asking for clarification or repeating what he said in your own words.
- For example, after he says something, clarify and rephrase his statement by saying, "So you said…"
- Don't be defiant or defensive. Take a deep breath or step away for a bit if you get angry at what he has to say.
Step 4. Show affection
Maybe affection is the last thing you want to show when you're in a lot of pain. However, if you put yourself in his shoes and think about his feelings, you may not feel so angry or irritated. Ask questions and put your prejudices aside. Listen carefully and be open to him.
Empathy and forgiveness are two things that go hand in hand, and forgiving someone without feeling empathy is something that is almost impossible
Part 3 of 3: Moving Forward
Step 1. Take a short distance if necessary
Think about whether you need some time apart from the person who has hurt you. If so, don't be shy about saying you need a few weeks, a few months or that you want to keep your distance until you're ready to be together again. Make sure he understands that or he will keep trying to redo the old relationship when you are not ready.
Honest. Say something that sounds like, “I'm not ready to be with you anymore. I hope you appreciate it."
Step 2. Improve the relationship slowly
Once ready, continue the relationship gradually. Things can't go back to normal right then and there. See him once or twice a week, not every day or hanging out with a group of friends until the two of you have done something more intimate and personal like before.
- In a love relationship, think of this step as a first date. You don't have to cuddle, cuddle, or hold hands like before if you're not ready.
- Apart from taking small steps to get your relationship back on track, learning to forgive completely also requires small steps and practice. So slowly repairing the relationship will make it easier for you to forgive.
Step 3. Forget the past
Don't sink into the past while continuing the relationship. Continuing to dwell on the past will limit your trust, so that the relationship will be hampered. You don't have to “forgive and forget”, but forgive and learn from experience. If your partner cheated on you and you choose to forgive him, realize that now you can recognize the signs of cheating, or you can think about what caused your partner's unfaithfulness and not let it happen again. Take all events as learning opportunities to strengthen relationships.
When you suddenly get lost in the past, focus on the present. Take a deep breath and focus on what's right in front of your eyes, the smell of the room, conversations with friends, and so on
Step 4. Decide if you can truly forgive and move on
Be honest with yourself. Admit that you can't really forgive. Unfortunately, there are situations where you thought you could be forgiven but then realized you couldn't do it after being with that person for a while. If you hang out with him again and still think about how much he hurt you again and again, maybe you should end the relationship.
Continuing a platonic or romantic relationship after realizing you can't forgive him isn't going to be good for either of you. You may become bitter or resent it, and that's not healthy. After realizing that sorry is not the answer, break up as soon as possible
Step 5. Forgive and love yourself
An important part of forgiving and continuing in a relationship is loving and forgiving yourself. Maybe you are harder on yourself than you are on others. Maybe you feel unloved or are being too harsh on the person who hurt you.
