When your love is one sided, chances are you fell in love with the wrong person at the wrong time. It's easy to feel sorry for yourself and get caught up in sadness, but to make your life better, you need to get out of feeling sorry for yourself and start practicing the ability to care for yourself. Keep yourself from falling into the same trap by practicing practical steps to understand your attraction to the wrong person.
Step
Method 1 of 4: Assessing Your Situation
Step 1. Pay attention to how you feel around him
No matter how sure you are that he or she is the right person for you, of course you have a bad feeling that something is wrong. Not every love story is perfect, but the first step to a healthy relationship is evaluating honesty.
- If your relationship doesn't have an element of deliberate openness, it means you're hiding from the truth.
- Discussing this relationship with a friend can help you through this process. Often, a friend can help you highlight the things you're trying to ignore in this relationship.
Step 2. Pay attention to what your friends and family think
If you notice that your family avoids talking to your loved ones, and your friends keep their distance from them, this is a sign that you are in love with the wrong person. These people care about you, and always want the best for you. Talk to them about their objections.
- Try to listen without defending yourself or defending your loved ones. It's in your best interest to hear what they have to say, so try to be quiet and listen while they tell you.
- Your friends and family will notice if your loved one doesn't treat you with respect.
Step 3. Try to imagine a future with such a person
If you find it difficult to see a realistic future with your partner, you may know that you need to end the relationship. If you can't realistically see your future with him in the next five or ten years, it's probably because you're in love with the wrong person.
- While some people may be nice lovers for a while, that doesn't mean you have an obligation to stay with them forever. Sometimes it's just the wrong time to make a long-term commitment.
- Another sign that you may be able to keep on imagining is how your life would be if you weren't with him. In this case, it might be time to make that dream come true.
Step 4. Recognize the signs of rejection
Sometimes someone you love doesn't love you, and the decision is yours as to whether you want to continue with them. It's easier to accept it when you realize that the problem that keeps him from loving you lies with him and his own life, not you. Maybe he is addicted to alcohol or drugs, or has depression problems, or is frustrated or preoccupied with himself. Maybe he realizes that he doesn't love you, and there's a good chance he will tell you.
- If he continues to not keep his promises to you, doesn't communicate his needs, and leaves you to think for yourself about what you did wrong, these are all signs of rejection.
- Try to realize that if this is the case, then there's nothing you can do about it.
Method 2 of 4: Get Out of Self-Pity
Step 1. Begin to accept the situation
If you allow yourself to focus on revenge, you will be dragged into the heartache for years. Instead, accept the hurt as an unavoidable consequence of your circumstances.
- As you keep moving forward, you can learn from the experience and grow into a better person.
- Try to be compassionate to the person who let you down. Even if you don't understand the person's decision, you can try to accept it.
Step 2. Remind yourself that you are valuable
If this helps, do it even daily, or post reminders where you can see them. Just because you've fallen in love with the wrong person, or become frustrated that it's the wrong time to build a relationship, doesn't mean you're not worth it. Remember, your life is made up of a series of experiences and encounters, not just this one event.
- You are the right person at the right time for the right person.
- You may find that you can use this experience of rejection as a lesson in finding the right person for you.
Step 3. Stop feeling guilty and sorry for yourself
When you fall in love with the wrong person, it's easy to feel sorry for yourself. In a sad state, feelings of self-pity provide only temporary solace. The first step is to decide that you will have zero tolerance for self-pity in your life.
- If you notice feelings of self-pity creeping in, remind yourself of something that makes you feel good.
- You may be overcome with self-pity when you try to quit it, because it's ingrained in your mindset. Don't be angry with yourself. Just watch as this happens, then shift your attention to something more positive.
- When you begin to realize that self-pity isn't the solution to your problems, you're ready to try new things.
Step 4. Keep a diary of the things you are grateful for
Forcing yourself to pay attention to the good things in life that you weren't aware of before will help you combat sadness. This practical way of keeping a diary of the things you're grateful for includes writing down specific people you're grateful for, and noting events that surprised you or you didn't expect.
- Write without thinking about the quality of your writing. You can write them in complete sentences, or you can write in the form of just a few words, ideas, or pictures.
- When you're tired of negative feelings, writing a list of things you're grateful for can help shift your attention to more positive things.
- You can read this diary to encourage yourself any time. After all, no matter how hard life you are living at the time, there are always things that can make you happy.
Method 3 of 4: Practicing Self Care
Step 1. Consider talking to an expert
A therapist, counselor, teacher, minister, or other expert has experience helping people deal with unpleasant love experiences. It's helpful to talk to someone who has nothing to do with your situation at all, who can talk to you without taking sides. Self-pity can occur because of a history of bad relationships that you have had since childhood. You may need to work through these issues to start renewing your relationships. You should not do this process alone. Seek help from a mental health professional who can guide you through the process.
- You may want to work with a therapist to help trace your past relationships. Some therapists prefer to focus on the present rather than delving into past problems.
- Keep in mind that this process can be painful for you and take time.
- You can trust an expert who doesn't share your personal information with others.
- Seeing an expert can be expensive, but is often covered by insurance that can help pay for it. There are also clinics that offer free or low-cost counseling services for people who can't afford it.
Step 2. Learn to love yourself
When you get into an unhappy state of love, you may conclude that no one wants you. However, this is the result of rejection and/or being in a bad relationship. Instead, take this opportunity to remind yourself of the positive qualities you have.
- Practicing self-love will make it easier to recover from a broken heart, as it strengthens your self-worth and self-confidence.
- If you find yourself engaging in negative conversations with yourself, check yourself out. Would you say these words to your loved ones? If not, think about what you would say to your loved one.
Step 3. Talk to someone you trust
There are many good reasons to share your feelings with others. Talking about your frustrations will help you see the relationship in a new light that offers solutions you've never thought of.
- Talking about this with someone you trust is a great way to relieve pent-up feelings, and will help you feel better.
- You'll likely find that your friends have had similar experiences, which can be helpful if you're feeling alone.
Step 4. Start building your confidence
Low self-esteem is an unreal negative evaluation of yourself. People who have low self-esteem are likely to see themselves in an unhappy love state. As you build the ability to care for yourself, your feelings of self-pity will diminish.
- This might be a good time to take up a new activity, join a support group, or volunteer to help people less fortunate than you.
- Paying attention to your own feelings can help build your confidence. When you don't respect your own feelings, you end up believing what other people say about how you should feel.
Step 5. Start an active lifestyle
Moving your body is a great way to stop feeling sorry for yourself. When you force yourself to exercise to get your heart pumping, you'll start to feel better. The endorphins that come from exercise will elevate your mood.
- Remember the old saying: "In a healthy body there is a strong soul."
- Exercise helps everything in your life: you'll sleep better, you'll be healthier and stronger, and your stress will be less.
Step 6. Do yourself a favor
When you notice self-talk that repeats negative thoughts, find a new way of thinking. For example, if you find yourself saying, "I'm stupid!" remind yourself that, "That's okay, it was just a small mistake." If it was a big mistake, remind yourself that you will learn from the experience. You can say, “Humans can make mistakes. Besides, I love myself, and I don't need to be perfect."
- Understanding yourself when you made a mistake will support your recovery in the face of unrequited love.
- When you fall in love with the wrong person, it's important to practice kindness to yourself.
Step 7. Live mindfully
This means prioritizing what you want, feel and think. People who are in love with the wrong person often spend time thinking about what the other person wants, rather than what they want for themselves. If you're trying to cope with an unhappy love experience, restore balance to your life by taking care of yourself.
- Consider what makes you happy. When do you feel most “like yourself”? Do this more often.
- If you're doing things that make you weird, stupid, or unimportant, it's okay to try to cut them out of your life.
Method 4 of 4: Understanding Your Feelings
Step 1. Accept responsibility for your choices
Even if it's uncomfortable, make the decision to take responsibility for the choices you've made to learn and grow. After all, being responsible for your choices is the opposite of being a victim mentality; a victim is always helpless. Taking responsibility for yourself is a wonderful thing.
- By taking responsibility, you will be in a better position to learn from your choices.
- Even though someone may have acted unkindly, chances are you had a hand in that event or situation as well.
- Talking to a therapist, a counselor, or a trusted friend can help you explore options in a new light.
Step 2. Look for patterns in your love life
If you're insecure in your relationship or don't like getting too close to people, chances are you're often in unhappy love states. A good friend or a therapist can be great at identifying patterns that help you identify a bad relationship.
- Try reading the suggestions section here to see if the content is similar to your experience.
- Viewing your behavior as a series of patterns, rather than a moral failure, can help you see it from a nonjudgmental perspective.
Step 3. Observe how you feel if you are “single”
There is a lot of myth-based stigma about being “single” or unpaired. The fear of being “single” often makes your priorities unclear, and allows you to enter (and remain!) in an unfulfilling relationship.
- People in bad relationships are just as lonely as people who are afraid of being “single”.
- If you're afraid of being "single," you're likely missing the warning signs that can actually keep you from getting into a bad relationship.
Step 4. Protect yourself
Make sure that you practice discernment when choosing who you allow into your life. If you have friends who seem happy when you're uncomfortable or have bad luck, consider staying away from such people.
- Nurture the friendships that help you to grow and protect you. Your friends should be happy when things are going well in your life.
- When you are surrounded by people who love and respect you, you will be better able to love and respect yourself.
Step 5. Forgive yourself of past mistakes
If you've ever made the mistake of loving someone who doesn't love you, remember, you're only human. You need to practice not being too hard on yourself, but learning to forgive yourself too, so that you will be more resilient in life.
- Mistakes are just mistakes, and many lessons can be learned from mistakes. Think of every lesson you can learn.
- Without pain, there are very few possibilities to grow and learn new things. Mistakes, although very painful, are part of learning.
Tips
If you're not sure where to find a counselor or therapist, you can do an online search or ask for recommendations from people you trust (family, friends, doctors, etc.)
Warning
- Don't expect other people to change.
- Don't keep your feelings to yourself. Finding ways to share your heart is important to your own mental health.
