Does your partner always blame you in various situations? If so, chances are that the relationship between the two of you is currently feeling less than pleasant. To overcome this, the best tactic you can do is to discuss the burdensome feelings with your partner. However, if your partner is a narcissist, aka has a tendency to always blame you and won't budge, chances are that the situation will become even more difficult. Therefore, try reading this article to diagnose the health of your relationship. If the relationship situation really can't be saved anymore, don't hesitate to leave it!
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Part 1 of 3: Inviting Couples to Discuss
Step 1. Immediately confront the issues that occur
Remember, problems that occur should be discussed with your partner, especially because he may not be aware of his tendency to always blame you all this time. Although the temptation to avoid confrontation is great, understand that doing so will only make your relationship worse. That's why, you need to confront the problem as it occurs as soon as possible!
If the problem is avoided for too long, chances are that one day your emotions will explode with your partner. As a result, the relationship situation will get worse because of it
Step 2. Think about what you want to say
There's nothing wrong with taking a moment to think about the things you really want to convey to your partner. No need to type and print it as when you will give a speech so that the personal distance between you and your partner is not lost. However, keep in mind the various important topics that need to be raised so that you can prepare phrases that are right on target, but don't risk hurting your partner.
Step 3. Find the right time to discuss
Try to signal to your partner that you want to discuss a serious topic. As a result, the couple will not feel "attacked" suddenly. In addition, you both have the opportunity to choose the time that is considered appropriate together.
- For example, you might say, "I want to discuss how we've been fighting all this time, especially how I feel when you end up being blamed for it. When can you talk?"
- If your situation is a little different, try saying, “I want to discuss how I feel if I don't value your opinion. When can we chat?"
Step 4. Use “I” speech
When discussing problems with your partner, the most effective way is to use "I" speech. In other words, start your complaint with an "I," so that the statement can sound more focused on how you feel than on trying to blame your partner, as if the sentence started with "you." Trust me, saying "I" is a very effective method of opening up the dialogue process.
- For example, you could say, "I always feel 'wrong' in most of our discussions or debates. I'm a bit annoyed, because you always feel right, that's why I decided to shut up and give up instead of procrastinating."
- You can also say, "I feel like you don't value my opinion or expertise in many situations. It irritates me because it seems like I'm always wrong."
- On the other hand, "You always feel right and keep blaming me" isn't a wise sentence to start a conversation with.
Step 5. Listen to the partner's words
Have a dialogue instead of a monologue! In other words, you must also be able to listen to what your partner has to say while trying to communicate the problems you feel. In other words, the conversation should go both ways, and all parties should have the opportunity to be heard.
- Your partner's answer may surprise you. For example, you may find that your true partner always feels blamed by you. After realizing that you both feel the same, the next step is to find solutions to improve communication patterns in the future.
- To get your partner to talk, try starting the conversation with a sentence that can provoke a response. For example, you might say, “Well, I already thought that. Now I want to hear your opinion. What are you thinking and feeling?"
Step 6. Measure the partner's reaction
After listening to your partner's opinion, try to evaluate the meaning behind their words. In the end, your partner's response will show their willingness or reluctance to find solutions to improve your relationship! In other words, their response may indicate that the problem is deeper than you think, that you both need a counselor to work on it, or that the relationship should end.
- For example, if your partner says, "You're really stupid. After all, you're almost always wrong," beware, because the response is neither open nor supportive.
- On the other hand, a response like, "I didn't realize I made you feel that way. This is a problem, though. Let's find a way to fix it," is a positive signal because it shows his willingness to work with you. If that's the case, you might say, “I'm glad to hear your response. In my opinion, a solution that seems useful is…”
- Listen to your partner's response. If your partner can't return the "I" word or blame you again, it means that he or she is not willing to work with you to improve the relationship.
Step 7. Find the solution
After the two of you have had a chance to talk, try to discuss what solutions can be reached to move on with the relationship better. For example, discuss what you need to do to improve the relationship, and ask your partner to share their opinion.
- For example, you can postpone the debate to evaluate how each party feels in the situation. Simply stopping the argument to evaluate the feelings of both parties can help bridge the gap in the communication process between the two of you, you know!
- Or, you can also commit to reminding your partner whenever he or she starts to disrespect your opinion or expertise.
Step 8. Try following the counseling process
If your partner is willing to change but doesn't know how, try asking your partner to consult with a therapist or expert counselor near you. If you have trouble finding it, try asking those closest to you for recommendations from a trusted counselor.
Part 2 of 3: Dealing with Unhealthy Relationships
Step 1. Consider the power structure within the relationship
Your partner's always blaming you may actually be part of a bigger problem. For example, he may try to manipulate you to gain control over you and over the relationship itself. If done consistently, the behavior can be classified as emotional violence. That's why, you need to consider the feasibility of the relationship to continue. If you decide to stay in the relationship, try to start defending yourself by asserting your position.
- Think about whether your partner's behavior is intended to change your behavior or to manipulate you (trying to make sure that what you think is right is actually wrong).
- For example, you are both watching a movie. Then, you think the behavior of one of the main characters in the film is not good. However, the couple actually tried to convince that the assumption was wrong by saying, "The character is not rude, ah. He was just trying to defend himself. You don't know how to defend yourself. You're weak, that's why we can't get along."
- Your partner may use emotional violence to convince you that your feelings are wrong, in order to take control of the relationship. In that situation, you might say, “I don't agree, and I have the right to my opinion. The character calls his wife in an impolite manner and doesn't feel guilty afterwards. That's rude, you know!"
Step 2. Identify ways your partner is manipulating you
Blaming you is just one way of manipulating you. Therefore, try to identify other ways. For example, your partner may try to bend your desires to meet their needs. Just identifying them can help you change the direction of the relationship, you know! Plus, you can start fighting his manipulation attempts, right?
- For example, your partner may make you feel guilty, even when you are doing fun activities. If you've decided to watch a movie, for example, your partner might say, "It's good that you like it, but I don't want to see that movie, do you. I mean, obviously other movies are better, but if you want to see that then fine." If that's the case, you might respond, "You can't make me feel guilty about wanting to see that movie. Glad we got to watch it."
- Your partner may also make you feel guilty for feeling insecure in the relationship. For example, when you want to go out with your closest friends in the evening and your partner doesn't like it, he or she will say, “I'm sorry, but I don't like seeing you hanging out with your friends. Just being there isn't enough, is it for you?" If that's the case, you might respond, "You seem insecure about my other relationship, don't you. Listen carefully, I respect our relationship, but I also value my friendship. Someone can you know, appreciate and enjoy two relationships at the same time."
Step 3. Don't feel responsible for his feelings
Chances are, your partner will make you feel responsible for their feelings. For example, he might say, “I'm angry because of you. You shouldn't have done that!" Remember, the only person who is responsible for your partner's feelings is yourself. That's why you don't need to apologize because your partner is feeling certain emotions. Instead, you can say, "I know you're upset. Sorry if the situation didn't go your way, but I tried, anyway. Besides, your anger seems a bit unreasonable.
Step 4. Resist attempts to put you down
Another "poison" in relationships is a partner who constantly uses his insecurities to bring you down. In other words, he may try to control you or keep you by his side by constantly lowering your confidence.
- For example, your partner might say, "It's good that you're going out with me, because your cheeks have been getting fatter lately. No one else would want to be with you." If your partner says that, you can respond, "That's a bit harsh, yes. I'm proud of my body, and I'm not going to let you embarrass it."
- As you fight back against your partner's attempts to bring you down, try to consider whether or not the relationship is worth keeping if you see the emotional pain it has caused.
Step 5. Consider the benefits both of you can get from the relationship
Remember, all parties in the relationship must also provide the support their partner needs, not just receive it. Therefore, consider whether you have received as much as you were given. Are you getting the support you need from your partner? If not, chances are that you should end the relationship.
Discuss the benefits with your partner. For example, you might say, “I feel there is more to give than receive in this relationship. That means, I have a need that I haven't gotten from you until now."
Part 3 of 3: Identifying and Understanding a Narcissist
Step 1. Be aware that your partner always feels superior
Since your partner always assumes that the fault lies with you, chances are that he or she does feel superior to you. As a result, he will not hesitate to convince you that he is in the right, and you are at fault.
Has your partner ever issued a statement indicating their superiority? For example, he might say something serious, “I'm smarter than you. I'm sure I'm right, isn't it?"
Step 2. Be aware of ever-changing desires
A narcissist actually thinks that the earth is rotating around him. That's why, you need to be wary if your partner just wants to eat where he wants, watch television shows he wants, and come and go at any time without worrying about the consequences. The thing is, your partner may set a certain standard for you!
That's why a narcissist won't apologize if he's very late (more than an hour) to an event. If you make the mistake, of course you will feel bad and immediately apologize, right?
Step 3. Be wary if any of your behavior is seen as not meeting your partner's standards
Generally, narcissists have very high standards. Because they have a hard time observing situations outside of their lives, they will automatically not know if there are actually excessive expectations. As a result, they also find it difficult to see the hard work done by others, and are often perceived as having too high standards. In addition, they are also easier to remember mistakes than positive things done by the people around them.
Step 4. Try to empathize
While this advice may sound contradictory, the fact is that borderline narcissistic disorder is often rooted in extreme insecurity. As a result, many narcissistic people end up being selfish because they feel they are less than perfect. Therefore, what you really need to do is try to understand your partner's insecurities and help them overcome them.
- For example, you may notice that your partner's narcissism intensifies when you are traveling with close friends. Chances are, the situation indicates that your partner feels that their existence isn't enough for you. Therefore, try to convince him that the assumption is actually wrong.
- You could say, “I'm going out with my friends tonight. Oh yeah, why the hell do you sometimes seem to mind when I do that?"
Step 5. Describe your requirements
If your partner is a narcissist, he or she will most likely have a hard time understanding your needs because their brain is only filled with their interests. If that's the case, you need to be able to express your needs and wants in your relationship clearly so that your partner can recognize and respond to them.
For example, you might say, “You always seem to assume I'm wrong. Can we solve this problem together?"
Step 6. Understand that a relationship with a narcissist is difficult to succeed
If your partner only has borderline narcissistic disorder, your relationship may still be salvageable. However, if the disturbance is more than that, chances are that the desire to save the relationship will not be achieved. Over time, you will start to feel like you are losing your identity because you are constantly trying to “give” to your partner. That is why, you should consider the option of ending the relationship with him.
If your partner is reluctant to understand your point of view, or if he is constantly trying to manipulate you, don't hesitate to end the relationship! If necessary, seek counseling to make the process easier
Step 7. Develop an escape plan
Chances are, you won't be able to change your partner's habits without the help or intervention of an expert counselor. If your partner is constantly manipulating you or verbally abusing you, immediately make a plan to end the relationship in a healthy way.
- A professional counselor or therapist can recommend tips you can take to end a relationship with your partner.
- If you are both married, try contacting a lawyer to discuss divorce options.
- If you currently live with your partner, start looking for a new place to live after ending your relationship. Can you live with a friend or relative? Are you ready to move residence to a new place and live independently afterward?
- Define your goals. What do you want to do in the next year? Focus on that goal and leave your narcissistic partner in the past!
