In a relationship, you and your partner would have quarreled even though they were actually very compatible and loved each other. Conflict should not be seen as a red light. Two people who live together must sometimes disagree. Conflict is actually an important component in efforts to strengthen bonds. Therefore, learn how to deal with conflict in a relationship and try to prevent the conflict from causing permanent damage.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Prepare for Confrontation and Keep Calm
Step 1. Beware of H. A. L. T
Recovery and self-improvement groups use the acronym H. A. L. T, which stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired, to define certain conditions that make you emotionally weak. The use of this acronym is helpful for all those who realize they are helpless and unable to deal effectively with problematic situations, such as arguments with a partner.
Sometimes, you need to meet basic needs first before trying to resolve a relationship conflict. Convince yourself before communicating with your partner. If you feel hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, it's a good idea to postpone the discussion until those needs are met
Step 2. Pause the conversation until your emotions are under control
The first step in a conflict management plan is controlling emotions. If you allow anger, frustration, or resistance to take over, you won't be able to better assess the situation and you may end up saying or doing something you'll later regret. When your emotions can be controlled, you can have productive discussions for the relationship.
Step 3. Regulate your emotions with self-soothing techniques
If your feelings continue to overpower judgment, you need to get them under control first. Take control of your emotions with regulatory techniques such as:
- Breathe deeply with the 4-7-8 method. Inhale through your nose for a count of 4. Hold your breath for a count of 7, and then exhale through your mouth for a count of 8.
- Practice sensitivity meditation by being aware of the physical sensations you are experiencing. As you breathe deeply, try to name the emotion you're feeling and look for sensations that support that emotion (such as fists clenching, shoulders tightening, etc.).
- Call your friends to express anxiety or distract.
- Take your pet dog for a walk.
- Listen to soothing music.
Step 4. Write it down
A diary is a powerful way to relieve stress, understand what's going on, and organize your thoughts after an argument. Diary writing can be used as an emotional regulation technique or as a form of problem solving, or both.
- Take a pen and write down the problems you are having with your partner. Describe as much detail as possible about what you think, feel, and want to do. Putting the issue down on paper can help you to better understand the dispute from both sides.
- You can also use a diary as a means to make it appear that you want to say what you want to say to your partner after a fight. You can start with, “Honey….” The process of writing down how you feel can help clarify your thoughts and decide what to do.
Part 2 of 3: Communicating Effectively
Step 1. Practice active listening
Communication is the key that opens the door to conflict. Effective communication requires you to listen to your partner carefully and attentively, and vice versa. Many problems will arise if during communication you only listen to answer, not listen to understand. Try these active listening tips:
- Eliminate distractions, for example by turning off the TV and muting the phone.
- Face your partner. Lean towards him. Make eye contact.
- Listen to your partner's perspective completely before speaking.
- Recite what you heard in your own language, for example, “I think you said…”
- Try to empathize by finding something you agree with from your partner's perspective.
Step 2. Use “I” statements
When it's your turn to express your perspective, make sure you speak effectively. A good combination to use is the "I" statement combined with the "X, Y, Z" statement.
- Using "I" statements allows you to acknowledge your thoughts/feelings and minimize defensive reactions from your partner. The “X, Y, Z” sections help couples understand specific explanations.
- For example, you might say, "When you come home (X) and go to bed (Y), I feel very neglected (Z)". This statement can be even more effective when it begins with a “Z” or “I”: “I feel so neglected when you go to bed as soon as you get home.”
Step 3. Solve the current problem
Small problems often become bigger when one party brings up old problems. Try to always focus on the present and the problem at hand.
If you bring up an old problem, it will be more difficult to solve it. If that happens, you or your partner can immediately say, “Honey, don't bring up the past. Now let's find a way to solve this one problem. Okay?"
Step 4. Point to the behavior, not the person
Another potential barrier to effective communication is when you attack him, not the problem. If one party begins to nag about the other's personality, defensiveness and anger are likely to emerge.
Talk about partner-specific behaviors, such as the habit of leaving dirty clothes on the floor instead of calling them "slobs" or "lazy." Your partner will be much more willing to correct their behavior if you don't insult them in general as a person
Step 5. Sit side by side
Tense discussions are difficult to direct without considering eye contact. When bringing up a particularly difficult topic, relationship experts recommend starting with a side-by-side orientation.
Research shows that men respond better when doing shared chores like housework or walking the pet dog. Once the tense and awkward topic is over, you can both face each other and talk eye-to-eye
Step 6. Use humor
A great way to deal with disagreements is to include a cheerful and happy aspect. Conflicts between two people who are in love can be resolved more quickly and tensions can be melted away if one uses humor.
- Humor must be used at the right time. Ideally you laugh with him, not laugh at him.
- Research shows that personal humor, that is, secret jokes that few people understand and relate to, can be very useful in times of conflict.
- For example, if your partner often falls asleep with the TV on, you can joke around and ask if he's still watching his favorite show in his dreams. The nature of this joke can help him to better understand the real problem (leaving the TV on), while keeping the discussion light.
Part 3 of 3: Leveraging Conflict to Thrive
Step 1. Respect individual differences
Many people argue that respect is equivalent to love in fostering development and strengthening bonds in relationships. Your relationship will only run smoothly if you make your partner feel respected. Respecting your partner's differences means:
- Shows understanding that his opinions, thoughts, ideas and beliefs may differ from yours.
- Shows interest in his unique opinion
- Acknowledge his opinion even if you disagree.
Step 2. Celebrate any fights that are resolved together
Use the conflicts you face together as a means to strengthen bonds. If so, you'll be able to accept conflict because you see it as a way to get closer.
After discussing differences and agreeing on issues, feel free to bring laughter, intimacy, and warmth. Celebrate successful conflict resolution with joy
Step 3. Seek counseling for a particularly difficult problem
If you and your partner can't seem to come to an agreement or even agree to disagree on an issue, it's wise to seek professional counselling.
- This is an option for a problem that one party thinks will have a significant impact on the health of the relationship. Problems that if left untreated can create long-term conflicts between you and your partner.
- Seeking professional help can help equip you with the communication and problem-solving skills to deal with larger issues that arise over time in a relationship.
