Have you ever had a conflict or got angry with someone and didn't know how to resolve it? Many adults do not yet know how to master the basic skills to resolve conflict in an adult and creative manner. Whether you want to defuse a big fight with your partner or to solve a complicated problem at work or at school, there are a few ways you need to know how to properly resolve conflict.
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Part 1 of 3: Making Smart Decisions From the Beginning
Step 1. Be prepared for strong emotions
Conflict will show our emotional nature, while conflict itself is not part of emotion. While it can be difficult to calm yourself down when things are heating up, it's a good idea to try telling yourself "Okay, arguing with Roberto usually makes me angry, so I have to try to stay calm. I'm not going to let my emotions control the conversation. to three before responding to his words, especially if I understand them as accusations." Being prepared to deal with strong emotions will allow you to avoid them, so instead of being surprised, you should be able to see before this happens.
Step 2. Don't let the conflict drag on, or tend to get worse
There are (minor) conflicts that subside and go away on their own if ignored long enough, but ironically, major conflicts usually become worse if ignored. This happens because we see it as a threat to our well-being, and the pressure from what we perceive as a threat gets stronger when two or more people try to dodge each other, much like the old-school fighting style.
- A lot of things will happen if you let the conflict drag on. Maybe you begin to overanalyze the situation while trying to find malicious intent that doesn't really exist, while friends and partners who mean a lot to you inadvertently give you the wrong advice. The list just gets longer.
- It would be better to deal with conflict situations by meeting each other from the start. If this person or persons proposes to have a heart-to-heart talk, accept it. If they seem evasive, try talking to them. If you're looking to take that special someone to be your partner to a school farewell party, or are chasing an important deadline, it's likely to get harder and harder the longer you procrastinate.
Step 3. Don't face conflict expecting a bad ending
People who are afraid of conflict are often the result of past experiences that have formed a habit of expecting a bad outcome, such as experiencing unhealthy relationships and a harsh childhood. This condition can make them fear conflict to a point where they view the possibility of conflict as a threat to the relationship and try to avoid it in such a way that they ignore their own needs. This behavior, which is shaped by past learning, is unhealthy and does not resolve conflict, although it is considered a reasonable behavior. In fact, many conflicts that are faced with mutual respect and involve feelings, end well and do not lead to disappointment.
It's a good idea to provide an opportunity so that the person you're in conflict with can benefit from the situation. Expect them to be able to deal with conflict in a mature and respectful manner. If it turns out that they can't, then you need to re-evaluate, but don't jump to a decision until both parties have met each other
Step 4. Try to control your stress during conflict
Having a conflict can cause a lot of stress because we worry about how to deal with this person, whether the relationship between the two of you will be strained or what harm you will experience as a result of this conflict. These things of course this makes you very stressed. While stress can be used for a very good purpose to live your life or save yourself from a sinking car, stress is completely unproductive in an argument. This will lead a person to behave in aggressive defiance, temporarily lose rational thought, and cause a very useless defensive reaction in the face of conflict.
Part 2 of 3: Dealing with Conflict in the Present
Step 1. Pay attention to the nonverbal cues you give
Many conflicts can be resolved by talking, but this does not mean that you just have to pay attention and organize the words you want to say, although this is also quite important. Pay attention to how you carry yourself such as your posture, tone of voice, and how you make eye contact. Like it or not, these things will show your desire to resolve conflicts more than you think:
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Keep your posture in an "open-minded" attitude. Do not slouch, sit with your legs crossed or face the other way. Don't be so busy with something that you look bored. Sit or stand with your shoulders straight, arms by your side, and always facing the person you are talking to.
Deal With Conflict Step 5Bullet1 -
Maintain eye contact with this person. Show that you are interested in what they have to say while still paying attention and showing concern through your facial expressions.
Deal With Conflict Step 5Bullet2 - If your relationship with this person is still pretty good, feel free to reassure them by gently touching their arm. Touching it directly can show sensitivity and can even activate certain parts of the brain that function to maintain a person's sense of connectedness in socializing!
Step 2. Resist the urge to over-generalize
Overgeneralization is very dangerous because you can suddenly attack a person as a whole instead of what they were doing for a moment. This will only magnify the problem, and make this person perceive it as a more serious threat.
Instead of saying "You always interrupt me and never let me finish my sentence," try using a more diplomatic "Please don't interrupt me because I will let you finish yours and I respect the same courtesy."
Step 3. Use statements with "I" instead of "you"
This method will give two things. First, semantically this will make the problem less about them and more about you so they don't feel the need to defend themselves. Second, it can explain the situation better by letting this person understand what your reasons are.
- Use the following formula when constructing statements with the word "I": "I feel [the emotions you feel] when you [explain their behavior] because [give your reasons]."
- An example of a good "I" statement could be something like this: "I was very disappointed when you asked me to do the dishes because I've been preparing delicious meals for us half a day and I never got any compliments from you."
Step 4. Listen to what really matters to this person, and provide feedback
Don't distract from the small stuff. Listen to this person's complaint, focus on the important underlying message, and then try to understand it. If this person feels that you are not ready to get the gist of their message, they may escalate the conflict or just walk away from you and avoid any attempt to resolve the issue.
Step 5. Take control of how you respond to this person's remarks
The same will attract each other, so responding in an appropriate way will ensure friendly interactions, not angry situations.
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Don'ts for responding to other people:
By being angry, hurting, provoking emotions, or showing annoyance
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Ways to respond to other people:
Calmly, tactfully, selflessly, and respectfully
Step 6. Don't take them captive, manipulate them, or withdraw from conflict situations
This method is absolutely unacceptable, and many of us do it, without even knowing that we are doing these things. We can make other people captive, for example, by not loving someone anymore and not showing affection until we get what we want. We can manipulate them by shaming them, for example by criticizing their desire to talk about what to us is unimportant or irrelevant. We can withdraw from a situation by refusing to listen to what they are really saying, for example by focusing on the small details instead of the point of the conversation.
All of this conveys clearly to this person that we are not interested in improving the situation, that we only want what is good for ourselves, not in what is good for both parties. This is a lethal sentence that hinders successful conflict resolution
Step 7. Never try to read other people's minds and jump to conclusions
We all don't like people who always finish sentences for us, because the assumption is, they know how we feel better than we do ourselves. Even if you feel like you already understand what this person is going to say and why, let him say it himself. This way is very necessary to release emotions and communicate that will make them calm again. Don't be a know-it-all like Houdini who can't keep his mouth shut so he can really pay attention to what other people are saying.
Step 8. Don't like to blame others
If we feel attacked by others, we usually attack them in a defensive way. The best self defense is to give a good attack, right? Here's an example of a conversation showing a couple who knows everything well: "I'm disappointed that you didn't do what you promised. You know that I want this house cleaned before my parents come." "Well, but you have no right to be disappointed. I planned this day months ago, what exactly is it that makes a little dust hurt so much?
Can you see what's going on here? One of these couples feels disappointed, and the other blames the disappointment on making him feel guilty. You probably already know how this conflict ends: Since someone starts attacking by blaming the other person, and the argument is about not keeping promises, it's actually more about a hidden problem that is blown out by taking advantage of the situation that arose at the time the argument was presented
Part 3 of 3: Ending Conflict Well
Step 1. Show a willingness to compromise first
Get rid of the idea that all your desires will be fulfilled without sacrificing anything because this may never happen. You have to compromise and show that you're willing to compromise because you care about him or her, not because you understand that this is the thing to do. The first attitude comes from good intentions, the other comes from bad intentions. There are a few things to keep in mind when compromising:
- Make less promises, keep promises by giving more than what you promise. It's a manager's mantra but you can have it too. Don't promise anything because you can't stand the conflict anymore and want it to be resolved as soon as possible. Promise this person less than you can deliver because you have to be realistic, and let them surprise you by giving them more than they expect.
- Don't punish him after you compromise. Don't do bad things on purpose because you don't really trust the deal because this will only prolong the conflict.
Step 2. Use a polite sense of humor to defuse the situation
After feeling high emotions and logical arguments reduce your ability to think clearly, a little humor can ease the tension between the two of you. Tell a joke that puts you down a bit to show that you're not a great and strong person. Don't forget to laugh with him instead of laughing at him so you both get the best.
Step 3. Withdraw first if you feel trapped in a conflict situation
Many couples give themselves 20 minutes of time so they can defuse their emotions and stress before solving problems. This way they can communicate more easily and the results will be better. Sometimes, what is needed most is the ability to form an inner perspective to see the big picture of the situation you are both in:
- Ask yourself, how important is what we are arguing about? In the big picture, will this fix or break the relationship or can I just ignore the problem?
- Ask yourself, what can you do in this situation? Sometimes, we are very angry with someone because of a problem that he or she cannot control.
Step 4. Forgive and forget
Show a conscious willingness to forgive and forget the problem, and assume this person is in conflict from the same point of view. Many conflicts that at that time felt very important, became big problems just because of small misunderstandings. Try to be tactful and forgiving, and make yourself the person you want to be.
