There are many stories of difficult mother-in-laws, but what if it is the daughter-in-law who causes trouble and friction? If your relationship with your son-in-law is difficult and you feel like you're walking in a minefield every time you interact with him, you should exercise caution. It's important that you accept the fact that he or she is your child's choice, and there are things you can do to look for loopholes and make this difficult relationship easier. If he actually needs psychological help, you can help find him.
For ease of reading, assume that the daughter-in-law here is a difficult daughter-in-law
Step
Step 1. Respect your child's choices
Your son loves this woman even though you don't understand why. Remember the phrase "love is blind and deaf". You have to keep that in mind when dealing with the son-in-law. Whatever you feel, don't say anything unkind about him in front of your son.
Step 2. Be friendly at all times
Maybe he doesn't know customs and is rude. Maybe he is vulgar and insensitive. Maybe he swears like a thug while your family is religious. He may be mean, cruel, or manipulative and controlling, not caring about others as long as his wishes are fulfilled. There's nothing you can do to change it. You just need to be polite as if you were dealing with a stranger.
The only exception is if there is a small child (your grandson of another child, for example) when he or she swears like crazy. In such a case, you might say, subtly, "Oh, can we control the language while the kids are here? They'll be punished if they say it and I don't want them to learn the words from here. Thank you." Even if he's terrible, you need to remain calm, restrained, and polite
Step 3. Set the limits according to your convenience
Perhaps you don't want to provide more support in the marriage than is necessary to maintain a good relationship with your son. It's absolutely your choice. So, set boundaries so they understand from the start.
- If this daughter-in-law makes sarcastic or mean comments about a member of your family (perhaps another daughter-in-law), say, "Yeah, he may not have a sense of fashion, but he's one of the sweetest people I know, and I love him very much." This is a calm, critique-free way to convey that you're not interested in hearing his sharp comments.
- If he stops by without telling you, don't lie, but stop him at the door with a firm apology, and think of something you should do. For example, "Sorry, An, I have some business to do, so I have to go. And you better call before you come, in case I'm in the shower or maybe changing clothes." Then, smile and go inside. If he says he wants to come, say that you have to pick up a friend and that this opportunity has been specially arranged with your friend. Tell them that you rarely see friends and would not like it if they brought someone else along at the last minute. Say, "If you said earlier, I could reschedule with Aunt Erni, or ask if she would like you to join. Next time, okay?"
- Keep dealing with him with a positive attitude.
Step 4. Remember that she is the mother of your grandson
He will control your access to your son's children. The best way to keep your grandchildren together is to maintain a polite and peaceful relationship. If necessary, bite your tongue to prevent words that you will regret later. Don't criticize her parenting, don't be upset if she changes plans at the last minute and leaves you waiting in vain when the original plan was for the kids to stay at your house for the weekend. This is one way that certain people control situations and other people (see the article How to Recognize a Manipulative and Controlling Relationship). The best thing you can do is understand that he has power over anything about his children. Don't fool yourself by saying that you have rights too. The court does not and favors grandparents unless the mother and/or father are declared unfit or arrested for a criminal act. Try your best to maintain a good relationship even if your tongue is bleeding.
Step 5. Talk to your son
However, use wise language. Don't bombard your son with his wife's barrage of negative attributes. Instead, take a diplomatic, non-critical approach. Start by telling the problem, then ask for the solution you want.
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Example 1: Your daughter-in-law is supposed to take the kids for a Friday night, but they don't show up. You've waited an hour and a half before finally calling your son, worried and irritated, to find out that plans have been changed and the visit cancelled. After that, wait a day, then contact your son again to discuss the most suitable way to deal with such a problem.
- You: "Jo, you guys asked us to babysit the kids last weekend. Anna was supposed to drop them off around 5pm Friday and pick them up Sunday afternoon. 6:30 p.m., we were so worried. I had to call you to find out that her plans had changed, even though you've been making those changes since Thursday."
- Johan (your son) replied: "Mom, sorry. I thought Anna had called, and she thought I called Mom, so there was a misunderstanding. We were very busy, and when there was a change of plans, it was made at the last minute. I'm sorry, ma'am."
- You: "I understand this is a misunderstanding, but I've had this happen before. The thing is, Anna never seems to let you know there's been a change of plans. What happens is Mom calls you to ask what's wrong. This is so inconsiderate, Jo, and you know it. Mom and Dad have lives too, and we're busy too. We cleared our schedule last weekend so the kids could come and stay here, and Dad had to turn down fishing calls from friends. Going forward, I'd like you to call, at least not the day before if there is a change of plans. But, for sure, I want you to handle it, rather than entrusting Anna to call. I don't want to be a annoying mother-in-law and cause trouble with your wife. But I also don't want to be left waiting, intentionally or not. Mom feels like a doormat. So can we agree that if there's a change of plans and cancellations, you're the one calling, not Anna?"
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Example 2: The problem is the opposite. Anna often comes out of the blue and wants to leave the kids with you, hardly ever lets you enjoy alone time, and treats you like a ready-made personal babysitter.
- You: "An, sorry. I can't look after the kids now."
- Anna: "Oh, I know this is sudden, but please, please, I have some business…" (directing the kids to the door)
- You: (stands firmly at the door) "Honey, I'm sorry, I can't right now. I'd love to, but you should have told me first. I have an irrevocable promise, and I can't take the kids either."
- Don't go easy on "keeping the peace". It won't work. He will continue to do that, and you will continue to feel anger. In the end, maybe you will explode and say something unpleasant and cause a rift in the family. Instead, be firm but stay kind, and emphasize that there are limits. A few moments later, call your son.
- You: "I thought Anna told you that you were "bad" today, and couldn't take care of the kids."
- John: "Yes." (He may understand and not be angry with you, but is annoyed that his wife is angry and he doesn't know how to silence her)
- You: "I'm concerned, but son, you have a life too, and after a while it seemed like Anna thought you could always look after the kids whenever she wanted to go shopping with her friends or whatever she usually does. I don't like being treated like this. I don't want to trigger World War III and I don't want to hurt his feelings. I love children and always want to enjoy time with them, but, Jo, I need advance notice. A little understanding that it's not easy for you to look after young children. I really love them, but I'm also getting old. You've raised your own children and I think you deserve a little respect to ask first if you can take care of your grandchildren instead of just being brought here. Can you talk to your wife? I think she I'll accept it if you say so. or refuse, Mother will feel much better."
- Again, even if you feel that your son-in-law is completely insensitive and is acting on his own terms, it is better to express how you feel than to criticize. Your son will understand, and if you can get him to talk to his wife instead of asking you to keep refusing, this will be a much better solution. However, if he has tried to no avail because his wife is the kind of person who feels entitled to do anything even if it makes other people uncomfortable, then you need to set firm boundaries and not compromise. You should not agree to look after children except with 24 hours' notice, and make sure your sons and daughters-in-law understand the rules clearly. Say you have a life of your own and if asked the day before, you might be able to make time to look after the kids, but if you go past that, you can't. In other words, if he calls and asks for help an hour in advance, tell him that you have other plans. If you're firm and don't let her go mad, but refuse patiently and calmly without over-explanation, she'll understand that she can't treat you that way.
Step 6. Accept the reality of the situation
If your son has children with this woman, regardless of your opinion, children need their mother. Trying to keep children away from their mother will only distance you and your son, and his children. Instead, make peace with the situation. Maybe he's not the son-in-law you desire, but he's still the son-in-law. Choose to accept a relationship with him in order to maintain a relationship with your son and grandchildren.
Step 7. Treat him sweetly, if all else fails
If she's the haughty type of woman, compliment her. If he likes to gossip, find another place where you don't get involved in the gossip. If he uses harsh language and it offends you, don't rebuke him at home, but ask him to soften the language in your home. If he's constantly criticizing your cooking, your home decor, or your clothes, ignore it. Learn how to deal with difficult people. Listen to him nicely and politely, then go and do whatever you want. If he's just tough, maybe that's for the best. If he's dangerous, that's a different story (eg, frequent hangovers, drug addiction, etc.). In such cases, you should contact a child protection agency (or similar).
Step 8. Follow the flow
Learn to relax. There's no point in constantly complaining to your son about his wife. If you've expressed your feelings, defined boundaries, and asked your son to intervene, and all of those efforts have been fruitless, just accept it for what it is. In this case, all you can do is not let him expect you to look after the kids and so on. And if he's sharp-mouthed and likes to criticize or make harsh comments, just ignore him. And never ever say something critical or harsh about him to your grandchildren. She is their mother, and although you might wish otherwise, mothers are always superior to grandmothers, at least until they are old enough to realize that their mothers are difficult, confusing, and selfish people. Try to fit in for the sake of your children so that you can provide stability and love in their lives, hoping to lessen the impact of the harm their mother creates.
Tips
- Try not to take your frustration out on your son.
- Realize that you can't change it. You can only change your own reaction, and this realization will be more of a relief.
- Don't hold on to irritation for hours after he makes a derogatory or insensitive comment. Remember that his malicious comments reflect more of himself, not you.
- Her positive attitude and willingness to look for the positive side of any situation this woman causes will help you in the long run.
- Show respect even if you don't get it from him.
- Realize that he may actually be shy, have his own trust issues, or are just too eager to be accepted, and in that spirit, he may be stepping over normal boundaries. This may be a problem at first, but will lessen as she feels more accepted and part of the family. If you welcome her with open arms but are rejected, don't change your attitude until she can accept your helping hand as a fellow woman, not an uncontrollably arrogant daughter-in-law or a cold, distant and arrogant stranger.
- Accept that there are some people who, like oil and water, don't mix. Maybe it wasn't because he was cold-hearted, or vice versa. It could be that this problem occurs because of personality differences that do not match. We've all probably disliked someone at some point. If you can accept that she's not going to be a favorite son-in-law and try to appreciate the moments we share together, you'll be able to handle this situation more easily.
Warning
- The harsh words you speak to him will not be well received by your son. So you have to calm down.
- Frustration with your daughter-in-law may be a part of your life. If you can return to normal feelings every time you meet him, in other words see him as a new person, you won't hold onto old irritations or disappointments and keep counting those discontents in your heart.
