You've probably heard the expression, "The heart wants what it wants." But what happens if your heart desires someone you don't deserve – like your wife's sister or your professor? Whatever the reason why your attraction is inappropriate, basically having an attraction to someone is not a problem. The real problem lies in restraint and self-control. If you want to know how to get over your inappropriate attraction and move on with your life, see Step 1 to get started.
Step
Part 1 of 2: Think it through
Step 1. Think of all the reasons that attraction is a bad idea
Instead of focusing on all the reasons that caused you to be attracted to your crush, shift your focus and think of all the reasons that could make the attraction turn bad and not worth continuing. There are various reasons why attraction might be inappropriate, and it's important to know exactly what kind of problem you're getting yourself into so you can avoid it. You should think about why attraction is a bad idea, and consider the potential reasons that caused you to feel how you are feeling (besides the initial attraction, of course). Here are some potential reasons you may be facing:
- If he or she is much younger than you or much older than you, then why would you be interested in having a very young or old partner when his interests and priorities will be so different from your own?
- If you are attracted to your subordinates, do you really want to be in control more than to be attracted to that person personally?
- If you have an interest in your sister's boyfriend, is this situation more about wanting to take advantage of your sister than feeling genuinely attracted to the girl? It's possible that because of a range of situations you feel needy and fragile, that this isn't the right time to take any action.
Step 2. If your attraction has become inappropriate because you are in a relationship with someone else, think about your background and whether your new attraction will damage an existing relationship
If one or both of your parents cheated on you when you were growing up or if you have a history of infidelity yourself, you may have underlying issues that need to be addressed first in order for you to enjoy a committed relationship
Step 3. If your attraction is inappropriate because you are in a statusless relationship and no children present could be affected if you leave the relationship, ask yourself about the current state of your relationship
For example, if you have an attraction to a guy when you're currently in a relationship with someone else, you should ask yourself if that attraction really matters, or if this is your way of telling yourself that your relationship with your boyfriend is You are currently not doing well. If you and your loved one are truly happy together, you shouldn't have any “room” to cultivate such strong feelings for someone else, should you?
- Of course, everyone, even the happiest couples, can experience small harmless attractions from time to time, but if your attraction turns serious, you should question your current relationship. If there really is a problem, this is your chance to get out of the relationship without serious consequences.
- If this kind of attraction persists, you should really question the status of your current relationship. If you occasionally feel like you're really getting along with someone outside your relationship and feel a harmless attraction to that person and know full well that that attraction isn't going anywhere, that's another matter. However, if you are often in a one-sided love relationship, you should question the real reason for your feelings.
Step 4. Imagine the side effects of this situation
If you had to get involved with this person, how would the side effects of this situation affect you? affect the person himself? Your friends, family, coworkers? Think of it as if it were a game of chess and imagine a few steps ahead: “If I do this, he will do that; then my brother will hate me; the first time we fought, I would lose my job…” and so on. Thinking about the worst that could happen if you and your crush ended up getting together can make you realize that was a huge mistake.
Ask yourself, will the relationship you're going to have with this person be worth all the trouble you're going to have to endure, and how likely is it that the relationship will survive all the chaos it will cause?
Step 5. Think about your reputation
What will the other person think – will he respect you, or will he belittle you? Although we often say that what other people think is not important and love can conquer all, but in some cases, the fact is what other people think is important, because their disapproval, even their ridicule, can make it very difficult for you to move on. your inappropriate relationship. It's important to take a step back and look at the big picture, to think about how other people will react to your relationship. If you've already considered the relationship inappropriate, considering the other person's reaction will only put you off further. Here are some scenarios worth considering:
- Snatching on your own friend's boyfriend is not a cool thing to do. You may date the girl, but you will lose friends. If you are older, and the young man is not old enough, you will be branded a “buffalo fan”; and above all, if you really insist on making the relationship happen so that sexual intercourse takes place, you might end up in jail. Having sex with someone who is not old enough is worse than just being inappropriate; it's a crime.
- Of course, you may have an interest in your wife's sister. But imagine what happens if you follow through; will your wife be able to look you in the eye again? Will your wife's family ever forgive you?
Step 6. Think about your future
If you're involved with someone who doesn't deserve it, you're not just dealing with that problem right now. You will face the side effects of the relationship far – maybe years – into the future. It's nice to think about the thrilling adventures you'll have with that person you shouldn't have a crush on, if they reciprocate your feelings, but it's a different story to think about how your relationship will look like in the next few years. Is it really possible to continue? Will your feelings really last? It's important to think about whether you can really have a future with this person, or whether you're just going to sacrifice everything for a moment's pleasure.
For example, the person you're crazy about may not be a nice person. You start dumping friends and family to spend time with him. He's a really weird person, and you're being a weirdo too – turning your word around because he's not willing to do whatever it was agreed to do – and he doesn't want you to either. Even after you broke up with him, everyone you know still hasn't been able to restore their trust in you. He will question your judgment of having been involved with someone like that
Step 7. Focus on the negative qualities of your crush
By definition, attraction involves the image of someone who is considered perfect. However, everyone is human, and even the person you're infatuated with has characteristics that may be unpleasant. Maybe he likes to say mean things, or maybe he listens to music that you think is ridiculous. Or maybe he just ignores you. Try to build up negative energy about the person and focus on diluting that attraction.
- Write a list of all the negative qualities of the person you have a crush on. If you really think the person is perfect and can't find a single flaw in him or her, it means you don't know the person well enough. If you can't think of a single flaw in your crush, then you consider him or her perfect.
- One of the reasons why the person you have a crush on isn't worth it is because he or she is simply "not good" for you. Writing down the reasons, such as the fact that the person likes alcohol or that he or she is already known to be an avid lover, can help you realize that, even if you feel your heart flutter when you see him, he's not a good person for you in the long run.
Part 2 of 2: Take Action
Step 1. Divert your thoughts as much as possible
Now that you have studied, considered and seriously contemplated how bad the idea was, you need to stop obsessing over that person. No matter how tempted you are to think about it, fantasize about it, that makes your whole body tingle while doing it, stop. Think and do something else. In terms of free psychology, it is called shifting behavior and thought patterns. You have to find a way to keep yourself busy and stop thinking about people you shouldn't have a crush on. If you just sit at home all day, your inappropriate interests will be much harder to forget than if you immerse yourself in work and study and have an active social life.
- At first, not thinking about your crush is even more difficult because you're so busy thinking about ways not to think about them. But rest assured – soon enough, you will be on your way to moving on with your life.
- Learn to divert your mind. Train yourself to think about something else every time you start thinking about him – think instead how much you love the person you're currently in a relationship with. Think about how much work you have to get done.
- If you're at home, turn on the radio or TV, and find another topic of thought.
- If you still feel yourself spiraling back into thoughts about your illicit attraction, find someone to talk to; call a friend. Ask the friend if he'd like to go out for a get-together; You can get out of the house and stop thinking about your crush!
- Get into a new hobby or take part in an activity. Try tennis, yoga, short story writing, or training for a 5K run. While these activities alone won't make you forget the person you have a crush on, they will make your life richer and will help you think about other things.
Step 2. Avoid the person as much as possible
If you can distance yourself from the person as much as possible, the attraction will weaken. In order for us to continue our worship of someone, we generally need to strengthen that feeling by looking at that person. (Absence doesn't usually make us feel dearer.) Of course, this step isn't always practical, but do what you can to minimize contact with that person. Try not to do anything dramatic while finding ways to limit the time you spend with your crush.
- Unfortunately, in some cases it is quite difficult to eliminate contact with the person altogether. If you have an interest in your married boss and that feeling won't go away, for example, you might want to consider looking for another job. If you have an interest in your professor and that feeling won't go away, see if you can swap the course for another class.
- If you are forced to be in the same room as that person, try to minimize eye contact and conversation. You don't need to make the situation very awkward by avoiding or ignoring the person altogether. You just need to limit how much time you spend interacting with them.
Step 3. Give it time
All interest will fade with time. If you can avoid doing something you'll regret and can control your feelings, then the strong emotion will go away on its own. You may feel like you're trapped and will be stuck with these feelings forever, but that's not going to happen. One day, you'll look back on these days, wondering how you could possibly harbor such feelings. If you have the belief that you will not always feel this way, you will forget about it.
Unfortunately, there is no definite timeframe for how long it will take to forget an attraction. But if you live a busy and fulfilling life instead of spending all your time moping and falling in love, you're sure to forget about it more quickly
Step 4. Start dating other people when you are ready
If you are single, you should start opening up when you start to forget about the person you have a crush on. You don't have to wait until you're 100% healed, but you do have to feel like you're ready to start a meaningful relationship with someone else – if you're still completely infatuated, it doesn't seem fair to your date because you started dating just to take your mind off it. But once you're ready, invite a friend to match it up or be open to meeting new people. In no time you will find that the person you once had a crush on is far from your mind.
It doesn't matter if your date isn't worth the “person who doesn't deserve to be the object of your interest”. What's important is that you spend time with someone other than your crush. Start dating other people, and keep an open mind. Your crush is off limits to you, and you have to start reprogramming your brain to be able to relate to other people
Step 5. If you can't fight the feeling, find a way to make it right first
Let's be honest: sometimes you can't convince yourself that you don't feel how you feel. If you try to fight him, but to no avail, and you still find yourself dreaming of him, get it right first. There are ways to make an inappropriate attraction truly deserve it – the most important thing to remember is to make it right first – and after that, and only after that – be in a relationship. And then, love will triumph!
- If the girl is your sister's boyfriend, you should act like a gentleman, and never try to flirt with her. If your sister broke up with the girl, you can ask your sister if she would mind if you asked her out. Maybe your sister won't mind, and there's definitely precedent for that. If he doesn't break up with the girl, or he doesn't give you permission, you're going to have to bite the finger unless you're prepared to accept the consequences – your sister may break down with you.
- If you are attracted to someone much younger, wait until they are old enough. Don't be in a relationship with anyone. Wait for developments, stay friendly, but don't get too close. Love him from afar until the time comes for the attraction to be deserved. For example, if you're a high school student and have had feelings for your math teacher in your early twenties for years, wait until you graduate and gain more life experience before you decide whether you want to make the relationship work or not.
- If you fall in love with your subordinate, you have to decide what steps you should take at work before you try to make the relationship work. You could request a transfer to another department or take on a different position, or do whatever else is deemed necessary at work so that your relationship will not be viewed as inappropriate or as a power play.
Tips
Remember that emotions or physical attraction can and should be controlled to suit different social situations. Just because you have it doesn't mean there won't be problems if you're always looking for ways to follow through. Taking the time to create a healthy relationship right now will give you a long-term process of safely tracing all of your feelings
Warning
- If you're dating someone else in an effort to not think about your crush, you should be prepared to take his anger out on you once he finds out that you're taking advantage of him.
- No one deserves to be your runaway girl/boy. If you have very strong feelings for someone, you don't need to involve yourself with other people just so you can get rid of those feelings.
- You have to be honest with this new person. Tell him that all you need right now is a good friend and nothing more.
