Most people associate angry outbursts with young children, who are often unable to express their emotions appropriately. Fortunately, most adults are rational humans who are capable of thinking and controlling anger. Communicating effectively and staying calm can help you deal with adult outbursts of anger.
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Method 1 of 3: Recognizing Emotions
Step 1. Stay calm
If you become angry and defensive yourself, you may be making someone else's outburst worse. If you stay calm and rational, you'll likely be able to temper the other person's outbursts of anger.
Step 2. Realize that you cannot control other people
One of the hardest parts of dealing with the emotions of another person, especially someone you are specifically close to like a friend or family member, is accepting that you can't change that person's thoughts or actions. You can offer help and support, but you can't control other people.
Step 3. Ask what the person is upset about
Adults who tend to be quick-tempered are generally not effective conversationalists. You may have to ask him what makes him seem upset. Be calm and give him time to explain himself.
Remember to always be patient and steadfast. You can say, "I know you said nothing was wrong, but I can tell by the way you act that you're really upset. Please tell me why you're upset, so I can help you if I can. If you're not ready to talk about it now, just remember you can talk to me when you're ready."
Step 4. Acknowledge the person's emotions
You have to convey to the angry person that it's okay for him to feel that way. Even if you don't agree with the way he's expressing his feelings (with angry outbursts), you can tell him that his feelings are normal. Accepting feelings (such as anger) as a normal part of life can often help a person to deal with emotions in a healthier way.
For example, you might say, “It looks like you are angry or hurt because of the situation. It's okay to feel that way. Can we not talk about how you feel and what can I do to make you feel better?”
Method 2 of 3: Leading Positive Communication
Step 1. Apologize for any mistakes you did
If you are part of the reason someone is upset, apologize to them for what you did. If you don't feel like you've done anything wrong, you can still apologize for making him feel the way he is.
- For example, if you make a mistake, you could say, "I'm really sorry I accidentally downloaded a virus that damaged your computer. I know why you're upset. I'll do whatever it takes to help fix or replace your computer."
- For example, if you haven't done anything wrong but are still upsetting someone, you could say, "I'm sorry you're upset that I painted the living room alone. I didn't know it was important to you. Next time I will definitely pay more attention to your feelings."
Step 2. Use the word “we”
Using the words “I” and “you” can put distance between you and other people. This distance can make the angry party become defensive or even angrier. However, using "we" implies that you are on the same side and may help to quell the person's anger.
- For example, the following might cause someone to become defensive: “You shouldn't be upset that your computer is broken. My computer was also broken in the past, then I wasn't annoyed at all. I immediately bought a new one. You should be too.”
- A better example that implies you are on the same side is, “What can we do together to solve this problem? Can we take it to a repairman or not, do I have to buy a new and better computer? We can definitely get through this together and learn from it.”
Step 3. Maintain a neutral or positive tone
You should avoid sounding patronizing or frustrated when talking to someone who is angry. If you feel that you are taking his feelings for granted, he may become even more upset or stop listening to you. You should also avoid sounding sarcastic. Keeping your voice volume and pitch consistent will help you sound more neutral.
Step 4. State the facts as best you can
Don't use emotional language or anything that could be construed as accusations, and only state the facts of the incident that upset the person. Emphasizing the facts may not make the outburst subside, but it's less likely to make things worse.
- For example, say, “Sorry your computer crashed, but you also like clicking cat video links. It's not entirely my fault,” might make the person even angrier.
- Instead, the following factual statement might sound less offensive: “I pressed the link and the computer crashed. It's a fact and can't be changed. Now we have to decide what to do. We can go to a repairman or buy a new one.”
Step 5. Encourage rational thinking
It can be difficult to convince someone whose anger is exploding to think rationally, but if you can, get their rational, critical mind over their emotional response. Most likely he will stop being angry. It's an approach that requires you to be careful not to come across as patronizing or dismissive.
- This may not work for everyone, but helping someone understand that getting angry won't solve a problem might get their rational thinking going. You can say, “I know you're angry right now and you have every right. Let's talk about some possible solutions together and find a way to make things easier."
- Make sure you acknowledge the person's feelings to avoid appearing patronizing or unconcerned. You can acknowledge his feelings as well as promote problem solving.
Method 3 of 3: Defuse the Situation
Step 1. Give the person time and space
Someone who is really upset may not want to have a reasonable conversation with you. Sometimes, the best option is to give the person space until they can calm down and be able to engage in conversation with you.
This can sometimes be difficult if the person whose anger explodes is in your household. However, you can get out of the house, take care of a thing or two outside the house, or do other activities or clean up in another room
Step 2. Advise to move
Many people respond positively to environmental changes when they are feeling angry. Moving from indoors to outdoors is especially effective because being outdoors can elevate a person's mood.
You can be direct and say, “You're pissed. Let's go for a walk and talk about what annoys you," or make small talk and say, "I'm going out to buy something. Do you want to come with me to get some wind?”
Step 3. Encourage meditation or deep breathing techniques
One great way to deal with anger or other overwhelming emotions is to sit quietly and focus on taking deep breaths. Combining deep breathing techniques with some meditation practice, such as imagining a happy place or imagining negative emotions leaving the body, can make breathing even more effective.
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If the person wants, you can lead them to meditate. Instruct him to do the following steps (and you can do it too!):
- Sit comfortably with your feet on the floor and your hands comfortably resting on your thighs. Close your eyes.
- Take deep breaths so that your stomach expands as you inhale. Imagine white light entering every corner of your mind and body as you inhale.
- Breathe in slowly and deliberately so that you can exhale as much as possible. As you exhale, imagine the negative energy flowing out of your body as a dark, dirty color, leaving only light in the body.
- Repeat for 10-20 breaths or until the person feels calm and comfortable.
Step 4. Suggest a solution to the problem
If the angry person is too emotional to think rationally or doesn't want to come up with a reasonable solution with you, try suggesting some solutions to the problem. Your clearer mind is more likely to win and you can calm it down.
Don't be surprised if the person initially rejects your solution. He may need some time to calm down and process your suggestion. He may even come back to you later and let you know that he carried out one of your suggestions to solve the problem
Step 5. Ask the person what he or she needs to feel more relaxed
If you're really confused about how to deal with or help someone who's angry, you can try asking him what you can do to help him. He may tell you that he needs time, a hug, or a walk outside. People who tend to get angry quickly may notice what can help calm them down when they're angry.
Step 6. Revisit sensitive topics at a later date
If you start a conversation that causes someone to explode, you should stop discussing the topic for now if the topic is not urgent. Give the person time to cool off the initial anger and come back to the topic when he's calm and rational.
Warning
- Do not respond in an aggressive or retaliatory manner. Most likely it will make the situation worse.
- If you feel someone's anger towards you is dangerous, go to a safe place or ask someone who can protect you for help.
- If you can, in a crisis, try calling a health care professional or suicide prevention telephone service before engaging the police. There have been several incidents where the involvement of the police in dealing with people with a mental crisis has traumatized or even resulted in death. If possible, involve someone you believe has specific experience and expertise dealing with mental illness or psychiatric crises.
