Some in-laws are good, but not all. They send you homemade cakes and support your every decision. Or at least they are happy that you are a part of their life and they never interfere in your business. Some are bad. They constantly talk bad about you and belittle the choices you make. In-laws like this can also be a bad source of frustration for a husband because he's always stuck in the middle. If you really love your husband, try to get along with his mother. Mother-in-law is a woman you can't ignore while dreaming that this problem will just evaporate or she will suddenly turn into a sweet woman. This is a situation where you have to force yourself to forgive even though he has been annoying. Make an effort to communicate and try to build a good relationship with him. If your mother-in-law looks more like an evil witch than a kind fairy, keep reading this article to find out what to do.
Step
Step 1. Before doing anything else, first reflect on how you feel about your mother-in-law
Could you ever put yourself in his shoes and see what the background to this meddling or judgmental attitude is? If he can appreciate the son you married, there must be goodness in him.
Remember that no matter how you feel, your mother-in-law is one of the most important people in your husband's life. Make sure the problem doesn't stem from your wild jealousy
Step 2. Act as if you like your mother-in-law
Even if he's difficult to deal with or is the opposite of yours, show your husband that you two can be good friends. This will make the husband happy. And even if your mother-in-law doesn't like you, your husband will never think that it was you or because you didn't put in the effort to build a good relationship with his mother.
Step 3. Stay polite
One of the hardest parts of a negative relationship with your mother-in-law is keeping your mouth shut when she starts making harsh criticism. Being polite doesn't mean you have to be silent about this situation. You have the right to defend yourself, but don't lower yourself to the same level as him.
- Even if he says bad things about you, don't reply.
- Don't criticize your mother-in-law in front of your husband. Your husband will be caught between the two of you, and even though he tends to side with you, this conspiracy will still hurt him.
- Speak nicely about your mother-in-law to your husband. If your husband says something his mother would or has done, say something nice. Try to compliment your mother-in-law every time you see her. Use words like, "Mommy looks really fresh today, you know" or "Mommy's new haircut is great," even if she's messy and not pretty. That way, your husband will feel that you are really trying to build a good relationship with his mother.
- Don't let your mother-in-law see you in a bad mood. If you are upset or angry about something, never let him know. He may take advantage of this to your detriment or gossip about it with other family members or even to your husband. All of this will only make you look bad because of the words you say when you're angry. Always show a sweet smile and talk sweet to him.
- Never criticize your husband in front of your mother-in-law. This will only make him defensive and look bad on you.
Step 4. Use humor
Disguising criticism with humor can lower the sharpness of the criticism and make it easier for everyone to accept it. If your mother-in-law really just wants to complain, find a smart way to answer.
For example, the mother-in-law again complains about the cold weather. Respond with, “At least we don't have to stay at home and complain. Come on, let's go to the beach now and sunbathe!"
Step 5. Look for the good he does and praise it
Praise him directly and do it sincerely. Praising the behavior you expect him to do is a great technique for getting him to repeat the behavior. Ignore the bad behavior altogether, just focus on the strengths.
- Thank your mother-in-law for raising a great son who is now your husband.
- Compliment her by sharing compliments about her that you've heard other people say (for example, "Auntie says you're really good at cooking!").
Step 6. Be nice and get to know him better
Like you, your mother-in-law has experienced problems, happiness, and loss in life. And just like you, he must also care deeply about the man you marry. His son. Take the time to talk and ask about your mother-in-law's life, try to get to know her better. Maybe some of his complaints are the result of past experiences that didn't materialize, so he's very worried that this will happen to you and your husband. If you better understand his fears and concerns, you can certainly be more reassuring.
- Ask him something that shows that you value his knowledge of it. Ask him for your favorite cake recipe that he makes. Ask him how he keeps his hair neat. Ask how she balances work while raising children. Ask him why he likes growing flowers so much. Ask her any little things that will make her tell a lot about herself. Here you will learn a lot and this is a great opportunity to convince him of the best things he can do.
- The next time you visit your in-laws, spend time with her in the kitchen or sit next to her and chat. If your conversation doesn't go well, you can always get up and get out of the way to the bathroom, then come back and sit in another chair.
- Ask him to do something for you if you're sure he won't mind. Ask him to make lunch (if you dare). Ask him to read the manuscript of your report before submitting it. Ask his professional opinion on something if he is really good at it. Have him prune your roses. Ask for anything that is his specialty and would make him happy to have helped or contributed advice.
Step 7. Give gifts
Give your mother-in-law a special gift for no reason other than just to show that she matters to you. A gift will show that you care for putting in the time and effort. Give her a homemade gift, or handpick something that is her favorite color or style. If necessary, ask your husband to choose a gift and say that you want to give it to his mother. Make sure the gift is something your mother-in-law will like. If she sees that you care and knows her tastes, this will help win her over.
Step 8. Clear up any misunderstandings
Don't let your relationship with your mother-in-law be clouded by her prejudices about you and your needs. At least this was an area that could be straightened out, even if he didn't want to listen. Be firm and just repeat every time a misunderstanding occurs. Do it politely, firmly, and repeatedly. Eventually he'll realize that there are some things that you keep on straightening, regardless of his personal assumptions.
- For example, if your mother-in-law constantly compares her difficult life with your lucky and prosperous life, look her in the eye and say: “Mom, I think our lifestyle is pretty simple. We also have to pay these installments like Mama. We work hard to save up for our kids' school and special holidays so the kids can have fun. It's not a matter of luck or not, but we have good financial management. We put aside the best possible income to make sure the children get the best.” Keep repeating the message “This is not luck, but good management” every time he brings up the same problem. It wouldn't take long until he finally got tired of himself.
- If your mother-in-law criticizes you or your child's appearance or weight, don't let her get away with it. This topic is too personal and invasive. You might respond, for example, "I really appreciate it if you care about my weight, but I'm still at an ideal weight and I have a healthy diet." Or, “I understand that Mama is worried about Kaila's weight and appearance, but I'm more focused on her personality and intelligence development than making her uncomfortable with her physical appearance. Kaila's diet is good, really. He's healthy too."
- Responding to and responding to your mother-in-law's nagging directly will be enough to paralyze her and let her know that you will stand up for herself and her family if she crosses the line.
Step 9. Give him space
Let him spend some alone time with his son. Don't always cling to your husband and want to know everything right then and there.
Don't compete with your mother-in-law. If he can bake the best sponge cakes or is an expert in a particular field, don't try to outdo him. Be yourself with your uniqueness that can make your husband fall in love even more. There is ample space for you and your mother-in-law in your husband's heart
Step 10. Talk about this with your husband
Telling your husband is important. If he doesn't really know how you feel, he may put you in situations you don't like, like taking care of his mother when she's sick. Find an appropriate time to sit down and discuss the matter calmly and in a friendly manner.
- Tell your husband nicely (remember, he is his mother) about your feelings. State facts, not opinions. For example, if your mother-in-law deliberately tries to hit you with her car, let her know. Don't say, "Mommy is terrible and she wants to kill me!" Explain clearly without being rude and hurtful: "Madam, maybe Mama's eyesight is getting worse, because last week she wanted to hit me with her car, even though it was a bright day and I was wearing a bright red dress."
- Discuss calmly. Also ask your husband how your mother feels about him (present your facts, not opinions). If the two of you can share your opinion, maybe you can tell a more honest story.
- If this is good for you, it is also good for your husband. Don't be surprised if it turns out that your husband hates your mother with all his heart. Remember, if you're only finding out now, then he's been trying to hide it well. So ask your husband to continue to do it in front of your family.
- Don't be surprised if your husband refuses to take sides. He loves you and his mother both, so siding with either side seems petty and pointless.
Step 11. Regardless of your personal feelings, don't be petty
Maybe your mother-in-law doesn't like you and you can be sure that she knows you don't like her. But that doesn't mean you can just stop looking at it. Remember, she is the mother of your husband, and she has an important role in his life. Don't be rude if your husband wants to visit him on the weekends. You still have to let the mother-daughter relationship remain. Visit with your husband, don't come too infrequently. Your in-laws might even think you're a coward and this will only make her dislike you even more. Remember, your goal is to "get along" with the in-laws.
However, you can limit the number of visits. Don't put yourself in a situation you can't handle. If you must see him, do so briefly and sweetly
Tips
- Accept that he will always view you as a different son-in-law from his biological children. If there is a problem that needs to be resolved or something needs to be said to correct the in-laws' bad behavior, let the husband discuss it with him. There are in-laws who are good at counter-attacking and instead make you the main enemy.
- Remember, maybe the problem is not because of you personally. Perhaps the mother-in-law thinks that no woman is good enough to match her beloved son. It's his psychological problem, not yours. In this case, the main problem is not you.
- Respect and love in-laws. But remember, she is not your real mother. So don't expect the same from him. Mutual respect and responsibility are enough to keep your relationship with him happy and running smoothly.
- Let his husband and mother spend time alone leisurely without you. Talk to your husband first and ask him to reassure his mother-in-law that he will always love her. It's just that after marriage, your husband and you need more space to build a household.
- If your mother-in-law calls and you don't have time to answer, call back! Everyone knows, on the phone must be listed the identity of the caller. Mother-in-law knows you must recognize the name or number. There's nothing worse than being passive-aggressive. He'll definitely notice if you try to dodge. Ignoring him will not make your relationship any better. Answer the call as soon as possible, and if necessary, keep the conversation short but sweet.
- If you have children, don't be hostile to your mother-in-law. If he treats your kids well, then he's not completely bad. Don't let your personal sentiments prevent children from meeting their grandmother. Allow your husband to bring the kids to visit, while you can have some time for yourself. This can be a great way to show your husband that you're not the type of woman to use your kids for control in a manipulative way. You may not like your mother-in-law, but if you are trying to keep the kids away from her, maybe it's time to reflect, lest the problem is not with the mother-in-law, but with you.
- On the plus side, the older you get, the generally better in-law-in-law relationship.
Warning
- Never ever ask your mother-in-law to live under the same roof with you!
- Don't let him control your life. If you really did your best to win her over but she still hates you, then you have two choices. 1. Discuss this with the in-laws. Say, “I feel like Mama doesn't like me at all. What is my fault?" Or, 2.: Ignore it and move on! Mother-in-law is only one small part of your life. Work well, educate children, love your husband, and take care of your own parents. Don't let bad people ruin everything.
- Don't keep complaining about him. You and your partner love each other and are happy (yes, right?), so don't let other people ruin it. Don't always whine about your mother-in-law. When your husband tells you little things about him, don't be mean and start creating problems. Just nod and smile, then change the subject. Simple!
- Don't beat the drums of war. Small chatter can still be tolerated, but yelling and cursing is certainly not. If you ever yell at him, “I hate Mama! Why not just die?!” means you've gone too far. The general rule is: If you treat your mother-in-law the way you treated your real mother when you were in your teens, then your hatred is too obvious. Back off and have plenty of rewards ready to make up for it!
- Do not pretend. If the mother-in-law is more than 25 years old, of course she already has a lot of life experience. If you suddenly act as sweet as honey, he could find out the truth behind it. This is a dangerous zone. Sure he doesn't like you right now, but if you suddenly act too sweet to bribe him, he'll be suspicious and will keep an eye on you.
- Don't tell your in-laws that you hate your mother-in-law. If the husband has a brother or sister, make them allies.
