Being used by friends is certainly very painful. When close people take advantage of us, we will feel defeated, weak, and confused. Maybe we start to lose trust in others when we feel betrayed. Sometimes they do it unconsciously, but other times they take advantage of it on purpose. There are ways to find out if you're being used and help decide if it's best to just end the friendship.
Step
Part 1 of 2: Assessing Behavioral Patterns
Step 1. Notice if your friends only call when they need something
If he only wants to talk or spend time with you when he needs help or advice, or if all he needs is discussed, chances are you're being taken advantage of.
- Has your “friend” ever called or texted to see how you were doing that day? Or does he only see you when he needs something? You're the place to go for help if you need a quick solution, like a ride to the store, a cigarette, or a place to stay.
- Notice if this pattern of behavior persists. Helping is part of friendship because sometimes we have bad luck and need help. But if this happens all the time or is the only context in which you interact with it, chances are you're being taken advantage of.
Step 2. Think about whether your friend can be trusted
A true friend will not divulge secrets, especially in a way that harms you. To assess whether your friend can be trusted, think about whether he or she has ever divulged personal information about you, especially if it's for his own benefit. If so, chances are you are being used.
Think about his relationship with his other friends. Did he betray the trust of his other friends or take advantage of them. If so, this is a sign that he may be using you too
Step 3. Notice if he ignores you
Does he often exclude you from social events? Friends who don't take advantage will engage and invite, especially into groups of friends they both know.
- Keep in mind that friendship doesn't necessarily mean inviting to all social events, but if your friend never takes you anywhere, and only calls you when he needs something, he may be taking advantage of you.
- If he mentions plans with a group of friends you also know, but you weren't invited to, try asking if you can come too. Pay attention to the response. If there's no logical reason why you can't come and he still doesn't invite you or comes up with an odd reason why you shouldn't come, it's possible that you're being taken advantage of and he's not being sincere.
- An example of a logical reason is that he is going to camp but the car he uses will not be enough if you go with him.
Step 4. Watch the action
Actions speak louder than words. If he's always saying he'll return your favor but never does, chances are you're being taken advantage of.
- Here's an example of how you've been taken advantage of: You took him out to dinner a few times because he was having a problem. He promised to pay back but never did and continues to complain about the problem you helped. If this keeps happening, he's probably just taking advantage of you.
- Ask yourself if he's grateful. Does he seem to genuinely appreciate you when you are helped? If so, maybe he's not using you and really needs a friend's help. If he doesn't seem to really care when you help him, it may be a sign that he's just taking advantage of you.
Step 5. Beware of the guilt trap
If your friend often tries to manipulate you with tactics like trying to make you feel guilty into doing something you don't want to do, you may be being taken advantage of.
Ask yourself if you would help him if he wasn't trying to make you feel guilty or regret the situation. If the answer is yes, then maybe you are not being taken advantage of, on the contrary, being helpful
Step 6. Assess whether he is controlling
If he's always trying to order and order you, especially for his sake or his friends, maybe he's just taking advantage of you.
- To judge this, consider the following: Controlling people usually have a temperament that they use to get what they want. He may use other forms of emotion such as guilt or sadness to get you to do what he wants. Make sure you watch out for signs of emotional manipulation because they are clear signs of a person wanting to control.
- He may be trying to isolate you so that you don't have much social support and are more likely to give in and do what he asks. He may try to do this by criticizing your family and other friends so you don't spend as much time with them.
Step 7. Trust your instincts
If you feel like he's not being sincere, especially if the pattern keeps repeating itself, then your feelings may be right. To be sure, confront him. Ask him if he really meant what he said.
- Assess the character. Be honest with yourself and think about whether your friend is actually a nice person who cares about you or whether it seems like he or she is motivated by selfish goals.
- Character includes everything such as the level of honesty, integrity, sincerity, and whether or not he is worthy of trust. Think again about everything you know about him and his interactions with you and with other people. Think about how your friend behaves in relation to the characters above, as well as what he or she has to say about those traits.
- For example, if he tells you that he said one thing in front of other people and then did a different thing, there's a good chance he did the same to you, and you may be taken advantage of.
Part 2 of 2: Asking Directly
Step 1. Prepare yourself
If he means anything to you, you should see if he's taking advantage of you before you break the friendship. You can confront him in a calm and rational way.
Keep in mind that if deep down he's a good friend, he's not really using you but is just not aware and will likely want to change. If he takes advantage of you and gets angry and then you lose him as a friend because of that confrontation, that's probably for the best
Step 2. Find a quiet place
When confronting, make sure you do it in a quiet place so he doesn't get agitated. Make sure you choose a place that allows you to speak your mind freely without feeling overwhelmed by your surroundings. Avoid places like crowded restaurants with tables close together.
Try talking to him while taking a walk in a comfortable park
Step 3. Invite him to talk alone
Do not invite other friends even though they also have the same complaint. The large number of people will cloud the mood and may frighten him, or get very angry.
If someone criticizes you, you may be willing to take his advice and change. If you receive criticism from several people at once, you may feel threatened and offended. After all, everyone will talk negatively and that's very annoying
Step 4. Speak calmly but firmly
Explain why you suspect he is using you and hear what he has to say. Outline specific details so he can't just ignore it, call you accusing him, or a liar.
- However, don't be overly critical of trivial things, he could turn things around and call you petty.
- Make sure you're talking about the actions, not the characters. If you mention specific actions, he probably won't get angry. If he called it taking advantage of someone else, he might get angry and the conversation would end.
- For example, you can say. “I gave you a lift when your car was repaired last month. But when my car broke down this week and I wanted to hitch a ride to work, you simply ignored my request. I noticed that when I asked for help, you tended to ignore.”
Step 5. Seek an apology
If he apologizes and is willing to change his behavior and you notice that he's getting better, there's a good chance that he's not actually using you, just unconsciously doing something that turns out to be selfish. Sometimes people are too busy with life and their own world that they don't realize that their actions are considered selfish by others.
Step 6. Consider unfriending if you feel your relationship is just a matter of taking advantage and has nothing to do with genuine friendship
Explain why you can't be friends with him anymore and don't talk to him anymore. Don't let him convince you he'll change, especially if you've already given it a few chances. He will continue to take advantage of you if left unchecked.
Tips
- Look him in the eye when confronting.
- Don't joke when confronted. He should know that you are serious.
- Look for common signs of manipulation, such as eliciting guilt and blame.
- Before accusing, make sure that there's a problem and that you're not just exaggerating something that doesn't really exist.
- Realize if he thinks you're a trash can who should only listen to his problems. You can confirm this when you've listened and given lots of feedback, but when you're the one trying to vent, he changes the subject or becomes disinterested. He may say bluntly that he doesn't care or play down your feelings. It's a sign that he lacks empathy, which in the long run will turn into emotional abuse.
- There are people who have selective listening problems. Such a person will not only ignore your problems but will also ignore everything that does not interest him. The topic of conversation should be about him or something that cheers him up for him to respond. Sometimes he will cut you off.
- See if he contacts you. He won't call you when you move. Or not so often. This means he sees you as a source of consolation because he doesn't call you to ask how you're doing.
- If when you confront him, he attacks back, this is a sign of betrayal. When you protest at him and he becomes defensive and instead acts like a victim, be wary.
- When in doubt, seek a second opinion. You can ask a close friend, family member, or friend of the friend who you think is taking advantage of you. This will help you see if your reaction is appropriate or exaggerated.
Warning
- If he's denying your confrontation because he thinks he's better than you, don't let him see you're angry. He is increasingly feeling superior and will ignore or laugh at you.
- If you're not sure, wait a minute, ask the other person and don't confront them right away because it might not be true. False accusations can destroy friendships.
- Notice if most of your friend's "jokes" are dismissive. Fake friends may not only take advantage of but also tear your self-esteem to make them appear superior. If he makes a very hurtful rude joke and says he's just kidding so you don't get angry, you should confront him.
- Check if he doesn't appreciate you. If he's always speaking negatively about the people you care about, belittling you, taking advantage of you, being immature, or continuing to do the same things after apologizing, this is a good time to break up.
- Don't invite other friends because they will feel attacked. Make sure you have a one-on-one confrontation in a comfortable place.
- Be on the lookout for fake friends who “forget” everything they said or did in the past that tied the two of you together. This selective memory does its job but is clearly not in your favor. Don't let friends like that fool you.
