Everyone needs alone time. Some people really need it, while others don't. As counterintuitive as it may sound, leaving room for the friendship to be less restrictive keeps the relationship healthy. The ability to be able to ask for what you need is essential to maintaining a lasting relationship.
Step
Method 1 of 3: Using the Subtle Way
Step 1. Imagine what you want
You won't hurt other people's feelings if you can communicate your feelings and needs without appearing defensive. Try to describe in detail how you feel and help your friend imagine what you need.
- For example, you might say, “I've been really busy this week. In my imagination, I can now sleep all day. Can you help me, can't you? Is it okay if we don't go out tonight?"
- If you need more alone time, say something like, “I have a lot going on right now, and I need some time to think about it. Can you help me, can't you? This is a big request. Do you mind if we don't hang out or talk for a few weeks?”
Step 2. Follow the script
If you want to politely decline social invitations, but you feel embarrassed, follow the script. This will help you to avoid over-apologizing. You can say "no" without saying "sorry". Here are some examples:
- When you want to decline: “This week has been very busy. I think I should rest tonight. Thanks, yes, for inviting me!”
- When you don't want to hang out with the whole group: “Thanks for thinking about me, but I'm not going with you yet, okay? Do you want to make plans for just the two of us? I want to stay away from the group situation first.”
- When you don't feel like hanging out tonight but still want to see each other next time: “Wow, that sounds great! I'll check my schedule first, okay?"
- When you don't want to be friends anymore: “I don't know how to put this into words, but I don't think we're compatible. I want to stay away from this friendship for a while.”
Step 3. Offer alternatives
Every time you ask for some alone time, you run the risk of making your friend feel unwanted. If this friendship is to be maintained, you can avoid these feelings by offering alternatives.
- If you don't want to go to crowded places, is it possible to spend some time at home with your friends?
- If you really want to be alone, is it possible you could make plans for next week?
- If you need some time alone, maybe you don't mind texting each other once or twice a week?
Step 4. Consider your friend's needs
All relationships have to do with give and take. If this friendship is to be maintained, think about your friend's needs as you would your own needs.
- If your friend needs comfort or attention to be happy, maybe you can agree to meet her.
- Maybe if they realize they need solace or attention, they can meet those needs in other ways while you're recovering.
- There is always a way for both of you to meet each other's needs.
Step 5. Don't lie
Whatever you do, don't lie to get the invitation to leave. It's perfectly normal for a person to want some alone time. You don't have to feel ashamed or sorry, so there's no reason to lie. Lying will not make you feel any better and you will not like the time you receive. Chances are your friends will find out too!
Method 2 of 3: Taking Direct Steps
Step 1. Wait until you are not angry
Sometimes, your need to be alone can be more serious than simply wanting to "recover." If someone's actions make you angry and that's why you want to stay away from them, wait until you calm down to show them. Your head will be cooler and you'll be able to better convey your reasons for wanting to be alone.
Step 2. Practice what you are going to say
It's a good idea to practice rehearsing the conversation ahead of time, especially if it's going to be heated.
- Start by outlining your most important points. What should your friends know?
- After that, practice speaking in front of a mirror.
- You can take the outline with you if you think you're missing an important point.
Step 3. Say it directly
Either way, the most important thing is to say what has to be said. Preparation is only effective up to a point. After that, you have to take the risk yourself. Don't think too much about it and don't procrastinate. Pick up the phone and call the person.
Step 4. Set boundaries
If you feel like your friend is taking up too much of your time or if you feel that your desire to be alone is being ignored, you may need to set boundaries. Healthy boundaries are the foundation of healthy friendships.
- Explain which behaviors are acceptable to you, and which are not.
- For example, it might be okay if he wants to email or call, but he shouldn't come all of a sudden.
- If you want to permanently cut off your friendship, it's very important that you speak up.
Step 5. Stay firm
Your need to be alone will not evaporate. When you need some alone time, make sure you get it. Sometimes a subtle approach won't work, and for some, you may need to be more direct, but chances are, you'll have to state your need to be alone more than once. Keep fighting! Claiming your needs is a powerful act of self-love!
Method 3 of 3: Determining that You Need Some Alone Time
Step 1. Ask for some time alone because you are busy and exhausted
Maybe this week you are very busy. Maybe you feel adrift. Give yourself the personal time you need to recuperate by getting away from your friends.
Step 2. Ask for time alone because you are more introverted and need some time to yourself
Everyone has a tendency to be either introvert or extroverted. Do you feel refreshed by having some alone time? If so, you may be an introvert. This means that being away from your friends is very important for you to feel better. Let yourself have it!
Step 3. Ask for some alone time because your friend is creating too much drama
Often times, we need time to get away from friends because they bring stress into our lives. If you have a friend who is always creating drama, give yourself permission to have some alone time. It's always a good idea to cool off.
- If you really like talking to him, you can still do so once he's calmer and less drama is going on.
- It's important to avoid gossiping with friends like this. That way, you won't be drawn into other people's dramas.
Step 4. Ask for some alone time because your friend is someone who is notoriously eccentric and you are upset about it
Are you tired of making plans with a friend and he always reneges or reschedules your plans? You can choose to stop making plans with that person.
This may give him motivation to stick to his plans with you
Step 5. Decide what kind of alone time you need
Before you figure out how to ask for self-time, you'll need to determine what kind of self-time you're looking for. If you just need time to rest, you can use the subtle way. If you have to check your friendship type, you need to be more direct.
- Do you need time to rest?
- Would you not want to hang out with this person if you're alone, but is it okay if you're in a group (or vice versa)?
- Do you want to change the relationship (or even end it)?
Tips
- Accept that you can't always please everyone.
- Being honest is always the best way out, even if it's a last resort, when the two of you aren't compatible.
- Always imagine yourself in someone else's shoes. Try to be understanding.
- Don't pressure your friends.
