If your relationship is going through a rough patch, you may suspect that your partner is seeing someone else. Times like these can be difficult periods, but how do you know if your suspicions are right or just paranoia? You have to look for the right signs, act responsibly and respectfully, and learn to talk about your relationship with your partner more openly and healthfully instead of spying on them.
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Part 1 of 3: Looking for Warning Signs
Step 1. Watch for signs that your boyfriend may be less interested in you
People cheat for different reasons, but generally it's when someone isn't happy in their relationship. If you think your boyfriend is seeing another guy, look for suspicious signs in your relationship. Find out if he:
- Call less often
- Seems distracted/distracted when you're together
- Dress in a different way/style
- Frequently cancel plans
- Lying to you about where he went
Step 2. Pay attention to his calling and texting habits
When you're with him, does he look at his phone more than face to face with you? Does he seem too busy talking to someone in particular?
- Texting a lot could be suspicious, or maybe he's just texting his mom. Remember that who your boyfriend talks to is really a private matter. If you have to, say something like, "I wish we could spend some time together now, without using our phones - except for emergencies. Do you agree? Is everything okay?"
- Don't try and hack passwords on his cell phone and start investigating his personal matters. If you feel the need to spy on your boyfriend, your relationship is no longer on good terms, and you should end it.
Step 3. Pay attention to your boyfriend's social media habits
Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, and other social media and messaging apps make cheating even more complicated. If you suspect your boyfriend is cheating on you online, you can even create a fake name on a dating site to check and see.
- You see your boyfriend put a lot of comments on the photos of his male office mates? Don't be scared. Your boyfriend can write whatever he likes on the profile page of whoever he wants. This doesn't mean he's cheating on you, but it does mean maybe your boyfriend is losing interest or commitment in your relationship.
- Under no circumstances should you attempt to log into your girlfriend's email (e-mail), Facebook account, or other information protected in passwords. Breaking trust because you are suspicious means that your relationship is no longer on good terms.
Step 4. Watch for canceled plans or things that feel out of place
If your boyfriend starts behaving differently than usual, this may be a warning. It's hard to define this for sure, but keep an eye on anything that looks different from the things she usually does.
- If you have plans together and your boyfriend cancels or changes them suddenly, this may be a sign that something is up.
- If your boyfriend starts to go out - especially at night - with people he doesn't normally go out with, maybe you should talk about this.
Step 5. Try to talk to his girlfriends
If your boyfriend is rethinking your relationship, or is already in a relationship with someone else, he may want to talk to them about it. If you do this cleverly, his friends will feel guilty for putting you in that position and may confess.
- Don't come with accusations, come with questions in a sad tone. Tell your boyfriend's friends that you've noticed he's been pulling away lately, and you're not sure why. Ask them if they know of anything that could help improve your relationship.
- If they say no, it doesn't mean they "know it". It could just mean that your boyfriend isn't having an affair. Try to stay calm.
Step 6. Pay attention to the warning signs in yourself too
Are you being the best partner you can be? Are you contributing to a healthy relationship in a positive way? Are you doing everything you can to make this relationship work? Are you a partner who is able to be appreciative, kind, and giving? Maybe your boyfriend isn't having an affair, he just doesn't feel enthusiastic about having a bad relationship with you, not because someone else is trying to keep him away from you.
Step 7. Notice if your boyfriend is afraid that you are having an affair
Sometimes a person who is having an affair, or wants to do so, will project his own desires onto his partner.
Part 2 of 3: Investigating Secretly
Step 1. Listen to the phone silently
A lot of evidence of infidelity can be found on someone's cell phone, but checking other people's belongings should be done with care and tact, not to cross the line.
- If you must do it, do it "by accident." When the phone is within easy reach, glance at it when a message comes in to see who sent it from the corner of your eye. If it contains a long message from someone suspicious, you may have good reason to start talking.
- You'll break someone's trust completely if you pick up their phone and start looking at all the messages on it. And if you find nothing, you will be the guilty party.
Step 2. Change your routine
If you're worried that your boyfriend will cheat on you at your place of residence when you're not in it, you can change your routine periodically to come home when you normally go out.
- Look for good reasons to show up. Bring packed lunches if you usually eat near your office or school. Or show up early when it's time to go home for a surprise.
- If you don't live together, don't just show up at someone's door when you shouldn't be there. This is going to look terrible more than anything.
- It's important to know that catching your boyfriend with someone else can be traumatic for you. Better talk about it before you use this tactic.
Step 3. If you don't find anything, stop looking
If your relationship is suffering and you're worried about it, focus on evaluating your relationship and making it better or solving the problem at hand, don't go crazy and try to eradicate an infidelity that doesn't necessarily exist. Do better. Don't be suspicious. If you have a problem with your partner, talk to them first.
Don't obsess. If you are thinking about placing cameras in places where your partner could potentially cheat or installing closed-circuit television (CCTV) cameras, you should end this relationship now and seek a healthier relationship
Step 4. Evaluate your relationship regardless of what you find
If your boyfriend cheated on you, think about why, and whether or not you should end the relationship because of this. If your boyfriend isn't having an affair, think about what might have changed in your relationship that made you suspicious.
- If you're suffering from just paranoia that turns out to be wrong, talk to your boyfriend. Apologize. Talk about your relationship openly, honestly, and trustingly. Try to restore the trust you may have lost.
- If your boyfriend is cheating on you, ask him what he wants to do, and try to decide if cheating means the end of your relationship for you. If your boyfriend decides your relationship is over, then end it. If he wants to make things right, you have to determine if this relationship is worth keeping.
Part 3 of 3: Discussing It With Your Girlfriend
Step 1. Stay calm
If your boyfriend cheats on you, it's not the end of the world. In fact, perhaps you should consider this a good thing. If your boyfriend feels the need to cheat on you, it means your relationship isn't complete enough in some ways and is probably already damaged more than it can repair. At least now this relationship can come to an end, and you can both stop wasting time in a relationship that didn't work out. Stay calm, take a breath, and try to stay level-headed.
- Leave the scene if necessary. If you catch your boyfriend cheating on you, walk away. If you find some evidence, go for it. Call a friend or family member, and talk about it.
- What you should never do is attack violently or irrationally. Be a better person in this relationship. Stay calm, and decide what you want to do.
Step 2. Ask if your partner is happy, not if he is having an affair or not
Breaking up is very difficult. Your boyfriend's feelings for you may make him hesitate to break up immediately so as not to hurt you. Regardless of the fact that your boyfriend is cheating on you or not, the point at which you have to break up is a bad thing. You both need to be objective and honest with each other.
- Ask your boyfriend the important questions: What do you want out of this relationship? What don't you get out of this relationship? What should I do to make our relationship better?
- Try to be as specific as possible. You don't need answers to questions like, "Why are you having an affair?" or "What did you do with him?" Focus on the things that are important to moving forward, not looking back.
Step 3. Ask your partner what he wants
Try to focus on how he feels and not what you feel. Being cheated on hurts, and maybe you want to express how you feel to your partner, but take a step back and focus your energies on something more meaningful.
- If your partner has given up on this relationship, you no longer need to give your heart to him. Turn away from him. Your relationship is over if one party has given up.
- If your partner wants this relationship to work, then you can talk about how you feel and decide whether or not to continue this relationship. Try to think about whether you will be able to forgive the affair, or if your trust has been damaged more than it can be repaired.
- If your suspicions are wrong but you have a serious relationship problem, keep talking about it. This is an important thing.
Step 4. Listen to what your partner has to say
Even if you think you know how you feel, you might be surprised. Give your boyfriend a chance to talk, try to really hear his side of the story. This doesn't mean you have to forgive him, but still give him a chance to talk. In the end, you can still cut ties with him.
- Don't assume that you know why your boyfriend may or may not be cheating on you. Don't accuse or nag at your boyfriend.
- If needed, you can try setting up a conversation. Set a timer and promise that each party will express themselves without being judged or interrupted for 15 minutes. Obey this rule.
Step 5. Express your feelings at the right time
If you want your relationship to continue, you must have the courage to face the pain of infidelity (if this is indeed the case). When you will do that is up to you. It's better to hear from your partner's side first, then decide if you want to talk about your feelings or just stop.
- Talk to a trusted friend about how you feel first. Some of the views your friends share may be difficult for you to accept. Talk about what happened, don't go into too much detail, and get additional advice.
- Many people think that overcoming infidelity is difficult, if not impossible. If you feel like you can't live life with someone who has cheated on you behind your back, don't force it. Just cut this relationship.
