Dealing with angry people is not fun. It's even worse if that person is your boyfriend, especially if his anger causes him to say or do cruel and hurtful things. He may yell at you, insult you, or yell at you. Either way, dealing with a hot-tempered boyfriend can be very stressful. However, by remaining calm and assertive, you can build a respectful, constructive, and healthy relationship.
Step
Method 1 of 3: Calming the Situation
Step 1. Choose the right time
When a person feels tired or frustrated, he tends to behave badly. Therefore, if your boyfriend is anxious or upset, it's best not to discuss sensitive issues. Instead, suggest continuing the conversation when the emotions have subsided and you both feel calmer to work through the issue without getting into a fight.
This tactic is not always effective, because when you are angry it is sometimes difficult to think rationally. If this doesn't work, there are other methods to prevent the situation from getting worse
Step 2. Show him that you understand his state of mind
Active or reflective listening is the key to effective communication. Understanding his anger is like dousing fire with water. If you understand his point of view, his anger may subside because he feels closer to you. Show your understanding and repeat what he says to calm him down.
- Try to be as detailed as possible and avoid using trite phrases like “I understand.” These comments do not show that you really understand and give the impression that you are not being wise.
- Instead, try saying something like, "I understand you're upset that I didn't call you back."
- Concentrate on the anger. Don't distract yourself by saying, "I understand because I feel that way too."
Step 3. Ask what he expects from you
Someone says hurtful words and behaves cruelly because they feel hurt or treated unfairly. If you ask your boyfriend to say what he expects of you (in a nice way, of course), it means you're shifting the heated conversation towards constructive dialogue.
Try to answer like this: "What do you expect from me right now?" or "What do you think I should do to solve this problem?"
Step 4. Offer help if possible
If your boyfriend makes it clear what he expects from you, think about whether it's something you can actually do, or something you're willing to do. By offering to help, you are helping to calm his anger, stop his violent behavior, and continue the conversation in a productive way.
- Expected help may vary widely. For example, he may just want your apology, which is often quite effective because it shows that you admit you made a mistake that sparked an argument.
- Sometimes, you may not be able to offer help. For example, if your boyfriend is angry about being fired from his job and takes it out on you, just say, "I understand that you're upset about losing your job, and I really wish I could help you, but I can't."
- Sometimes situations can arise when you can offer help, but choose not to. It is acceptable. For example, if your boyfriend wants you to skip work or school to spend time with him, you could say, “I'm sorry. Of course I want to spend time with you today, but I can't just play truancy and forget about my responsibilities.” Don't say, "I don't want to."
Step 5. Try using humor
Humor can divert situations and help relieve tension. Make sure you don't make fun of your boyfriend as this can make him even angrier. Instead, try to laugh at yourself or the situation. This method will be more effective for a relationship that is colored by jokes.
- Everyone has a different sense of humor, but try saying something upbeat like, “This matter is beyond my control. So, let me consult my other personality,” or “I'm sorry for not calling you. At that time I was busy expelling the negative thoughts in my head.”
- Avoid this method if your boyfriend makes fun of you in a cruel or hurtful way. This method will have the opposite effect and trigger another humiliation.
Method 2 of 3: Setting Boundaries
Step 1. Set your limits
When setting boundaries, be frank and tell him what kind of behavior you won't tolerate. Look him in the eye, and show your inner strength so he will respect the boundaries you set. You can also practice with a friend beforehand so you can feel more confident when the time comes.
Step 2. Don't tolerate insults or harsh words
Insults or harsh words are related to self-control and wanting to embarrass others and are not part of a healthy relationship. In fact, if your boyfriend insults your appearance, intelligence, opinions, or choices, it could be considered psychological violence. If your boyfriend uses harsh words, stop for a moment, look him in the eye, say these words firmly, "Don't ever call me that again." You do not need to answer or provide any explanation. You simply repeat your words until he understands.
- Insults can be very hurtful. In addition, insults can also cause long-term damage because it destroys self-esteem and makes you less independent and dependent on your boyfriend.
- Don't beat yourself up if your boyfriend says rude things, and don't ever believe him. For example, if your boyfriend calls you fat in the middle of an argument, don't believe it.
Step 3. Don't use vulgar words
The swear words that are thrown during an argument can be likened to waving a red flag at a bull. The action only intensifies the negative emotions. If your boyfriend swears at you, he's generating negative energy in you and making you feel humiliated and defensive. Use "I" as the subject in your sentence to show your boyfriend that you don't want to tolerate this behavior.
For example, say something like, “I understand you're upset that I didn't call you, but I can't let you swear at me like that. I was upset to hear that.”
Step 4. Don't let him yell at you
Yelling only creates negative energy and often makes you angry, scared, or defensive. Sometimes, people who get angry easily don't even realize they're shouting. Use "I" as the subject in your sentence to set boundaries and tell your boyfriend that you will not tolerate his behavior.
- For example, try saying, “I can't accept this behavior. I get angry when you scream and it's not constructive behavior. I will continue this conversation when we both have calmed down.”
- If he denies shouting, have a tape recorder ready to record any of the events and let him listen. When playing the recording, politely explain that what he's saying is irrelevant and you're only playing it to show him how loud it is.
Step 5. Don't let him blame you
Blaming is pointless because it limits dialogue and hinders your ability to solve problems. When your boyfriend is angry, he may blame you, expose you badly and destroy your confidence. Set boundaries and make it clear that you won't accept his blaming attitude. Use sentences with "I" as the subject.
- Use sentences with "I" as the subject to let your boyfriend know when he's blaming you. For example, you could say, "I get annoyed when you blame me for all of our problems."
- Express yourself in this way to explain that you will not tolerate his behavior that always blames you. “I don't think blaming each other will help us solve the problem. I don't want to be held responsible every time you get angry."
Method 3 of 3: Managing Emotions
Step 1. Change your perspective
The brain can eliminate the electrical signals that generate negative emotions. To do this, think of other ways to deal with your boyfriend's anger. Say to yourself something like, "He must have had a bad day." If you deliberately apply a different perspective to your boyfriend's anger, you can choose to change your emotional response and not be negative.
- It's not always easy to empathize with someone who is misbehaving and angry. However, if you choose to view the situation differently, you will not become defensive.
- Try saying something like, “He did his best,” or “This is his way of surviving.” That way, you won't feel guilty.
- Even though you've changed your perspective on his anger, it doesn't mean you have to accept his behavior. Once you understand that you're innocent, find healthy ways to work around it, such as setting boundaries or going for a walk for a while.
Step 2. Don't be too hard on yourself
Often times, what your boyfriend says can make you feel angry, frustrated, scared, or helpless. To avoid these feelings, you must accept yourself as you are and how you choose to handle the situation. Talk to yourself and tell yourself that it's okay if you can't fix your boyfriend's behavior.
For example, if you feel guilty about telling your boyfriend that you can't help, say to yourself, "I want to help, and I know he's going to keep getting angry like that, but I have to take care of myself."
Step 3. Watch your anger level
If your boyfriend is being rude and angry, your anger can also be provoked. Without realizing it, you can start to "incite" or "criticize" your boyfriend, making him even angrier. Pay attention to your speech and body language to make sure you don't take your anger out on your boyfriend.
- Avoid sentences that start with “You always are,” and don't criticize and scorn your boyfriend's behavior. Sentences like that are fueled by anger and a desire to blame your boyfriend and will only make things worse.
- Try making a list of things that make your boyfriend angry and notice how your behavior causes his anger.
- Don't inflame his anger or your own anger. Try not to provoke his anger on purpose.
Step 4. Describe how you feel
Express yourself with "I" as a subject to take responsibility for your own feelings and behavior without giving the impression that you are blaming him or her. Express your feelings as best you can by using sentences like, “I feel hurt when you say mean things.” Don't start a sentence with "You always …" because it can give the impression of accusing him.
- Practice using sentences with "I" as the subject when you're not angry so that over time they will feel natural and become part of your vocabulary.
- If you share your feelings in this way, you are not only expressing your emotions, but also increasing intimacy.
- This method can help you calm your anger and focus your energy on your relationship goals, regardless of the hurtful words.
Tips
- Don't try to persuade someone who is angry. Instead, go and wait for the situation to calm down before you set boundaries and tackle the problem.
- Some men tend to change their behavior in front of other people so as not to look bad. Therefore, talk about sensitive matters in public to make sure he stays calm.
- Sometimes, enlisting the help of a neutral third party can solve the problem. Ask a mutual friend, relative, therapist or someone you trust for help. You can find a lot of information on the internet about how to handle anger in a safe way.
Warning
- A healthy relationship should be relaxing and enjoyable. A boyfriend shouldn't make you feel bad about yourself, and should give you the freedom to express who you are. If not, it's a sign that you're experiencing emotional abuse.
- Don't hold on to anger because one day it will explode. Let your boyfriend express his anger in a healthy way and it's okay if you don't agree.
- Avoid physical or verbal abuse. If you are in an abusive relationship, seek help right away.
