It takes a tremendous amount of effort to let go of a failed relationship and learn to heal yourself instead of letting those complicated feelings linger. To learn how to adjust your mindset, break off friendships with your ex, and start enjoying your life again, follow these steps and begin self-healing.
Step
Part 1 of 4: Letting Go
Step 1. Give yourself time
It's okay to be sad because a relationship has ended. Whether you've been together for a few months or lived together for years and care for a pet together, you have every right to feel those emotions. Allow yourself to cry, reflect on the past, and accept that it's over.
- Use this time to reflect. Write down your feelings in a journal and really think about the causes of how you feel.
- Giving yourself time can help you let go of the relationship more quickly. Some people choose to set a "dead end of mourning date." Of course, this doesn't mean that you will forget about the relationship at that point - nor does it mean that you will start a conscious effort to move on.
Step 2. Let go of your emotions
If you feel like crying in bed all day, do it. If you want to cry or vent to a friend about all your frustrations, do this too. However, remember to do this only when you need to, don't rush into building a new relationship in a week just because your ex has already done it or just to make him jealous.
Step 3. Remind yourself why the relationship ended
It's natural to miss your ex and wish he was still by your side – after all, you're used to having him in your life, even if it's not always fun all the time. But you have to stay strong and remind yourself why the relationship ended.
Even if it's hurt, try to remember a time when you felt very unhappy in the relationship. Write on an index card or save it on your phone and carry it with you wherever you go. Look at it every time you regret your decision or wonder why you and your ex are no longer together
Step 4. Learn to recognize negative thought patterns
Bitterness, guilt and regret can produce a debilitating emotional cocktail when you are trying to get over a relationship. You can teach yourself to recognize bitter thought patterns, though, by writing them down and then examining them to find triggers for your emotions. If you can pinpoint the things that make you go running into the swamp of emotions, you can learn to walk away from them.
- Reread your journal as if it were someone else's. What seems to be the cause for this person? What advice would you offer him? What should he avoid?
- Round words or phrases that appear repeatedly. If you catch yourself thinking about a word or phrase (maybe your ex's name, maybe a certain place or concept) interrupt yourself. Have a mantra or song prepared to be read or heard as a means of interrupting yourself and rewarding yourself for avoiding negative thoughts that arise.
Step 5. Avoid self-destructive behavior
Smoking just because you feel angry about a relationship won't do you any good in helping you feel better about yourself. Indulging in self-loathing and drinking and taking drugs will only delay the bereavement process, because you will have to start all over again.
If it's mind diversion you're looking for, why not make it a healthy alternative? Instead of smoking, try cycling, doing an art project, or making use of your old instrument that hasn't been touched in a long time
Part 2 of 4: Breaking Friends with Exes
Step 1. Stop communicating with your ex
Stop texting or calling. Don't meet up for an awkward adult lunch with your ex once a week once the relationship is over. While you may be able to befriend your ex someday, this should be done once you learn to live apart. The potential for damage at this point is enormous, as communicating with your ex will make it harder to let go of the relationship.
- If you feel the need to stop hanging out with mutual friends for a while, do so. If you really want to meet them, make special plans to meet. You're not being a coward doing this - you're just protecting yourself. Likewise, look for new social places to hang out - there are plenty of bars, restaurants, and parks to hang out with that don't have an emotional baggage.
- If you meet your ex by chance, you don't have to go the other way. Be mature and say hello, but you don't have to stop for hurtful conversations
Step 2. Avoid social media for a while
While you may be tempted to log on to your Facebook to see pictures of your ex with your new sweetheart, this will only prolong the pain and even make you feel a little obsessive. Even if you decide not to contact your ex on social media, you won't be able to stop wondering if he or she saw your recent photos and posts.
- Don't go to social media until the thought of seeing your ex's photo doesn't leave you feeling an intense spectrum of emotions.
- Or, try blocking or "unfriending" your ex. This can be a very tangible way of showing that the relationship is over.
Step 3. Get rid of things that remind you of your ex
Do relationship cleaning activities. If you can't bear to throw it all away, store it in a trash bag at the back of your closet. Even if the stuffed animal your ex got for you on your first date at a carnival is your favorite item, throw it in your bag along with the rest.
If some of your ex's belongings are still left -- T-shirts, books, electronics -- return them immediately. You can have a friend send it to you to minimize the pain
Step 4. Build or redecorate your home, making it yours
Especially if you've been living together, get rid of old things even if they don't remind you of your ex. Reposition your furniture, add some plants for decoration and peace. Do what you have to do to make your space feel new. It's very important and healthy not to keep too many things from your life with him.
Step 5. Take a short vacation
While you could pack up all your stuff and move to Hawaii the moment you break up with your ex - unless you're lucky - visiting relatives or a location you've never been to will make your world a little bigger for now. This offers the necessary perspective and is a great start to pleasing yourself and starting to do the things you want to do.
Part 3 of 4: Enjoying Your Life Again
Step 1. Spend more time with your friends
When you're ready, it can be fun to catch up, laugh, and get back to having long, intense conversations with your friends. Use your free time to reconnect with old friends, make new acquaintances, or turn acquaintances into friendships.
Do things you couldn't do while in a relationship. If your partner hates sushi, arrange to have lunch with friends at the best sushi restaurant in your city. If your ex can't stand metal shows, take some friends to a concert
Step 2. Spend time with your family
Especially if you've been busy with your relationship, you may not be able to spend as much time with your family as you'd like. They will be by your side and give you the opportunity to relax, reconnect, and even enjoy home cooking for a change. After all, spending time in your hometown may give you the opportunity to reconnect with childhood friends, past favorite places, and have fun.
Step 3. Find pleasure in new activities
Instead of sticking to the old habits that you and your ex always did, try to find a new interest, find a new hobby, or really step outside of your comfort zone.
- Explore your creative side. Try writing a song, composing a poem, painting or sketching. Express yourself in a way you've never done before but always wanted to try.
- Try a new form of exercise. Take that yoga or Zumba class you've always wanted to try. Exercising not only reduces stress and makes you more focused, but you may find a new passion.
- Do something completely outside of your comfort zone. Try food you've never eaten before, go hiking even if you don't really like the outdoors, or even go sky diving if you're feeling adventurous.
- Take up a new hobby, like knitting, coin collecting, bird watching, or anything else that makes you feel calm and concentrated.
Step 4. Find peace of mind
While staying busy socializing with friends and fun activities, this is a great way to take your mind off your ex. If you really want to let go of a failed relationship, then you have to be able to feel good about yourself. In the end, you can enjoy a moment to be alone.
- Go for a walk a few times a week. Get in touch with nature while exploring local parks or lakes. This is not only a good exercise, but the perfect opportunity to reflect.
- Read. Immerse yourself in a book and spend hours reading and a cup of tea.
- Write. Write your diary, or try writing a short story. See what you can learn about yourself just by writing.
Part 4 of 4: Dating Again
Step 1. First, enjoy the single life
Don't look for opportunities to build a relationship, as soon as you've just broken up. Instead, take the time to enjoy the single life and do whatever you want, whenever you want. Many people in relationships look forward to being single - at least for a while - so you should see it as an adventure rather than a problem.
If someone asks you out before you're ready, don't be afraid to tell them, "It's too soon" especially if you think you might be interested in them. You'll be doing what's right for both of you by not rushing to get started. If something's there, it'll still be there when you're ready
Step 2. Find the pleasure of meeting people and flirting with them
Part of being single is the thrill of pleasant coincidences. Who knows who you might meet at the supermarket or library. Talking to new people is an important step in moving on with life.
Step 3. When you're ready, go on a date
Let your friends set you up with mutual acquaintances or even create a profile for online dating. It's important to take it slow, enjoy the fun of meeting new people without raising expectations.
Step 4. Express your desire for a new relationship and be honest
If so, what would you expect to do differently in your last relationship? This is your chance to get things off to a good start.
Don't be afraid to speak your mind. If any "break-ups," significant things that complicate the relationship, come up early on the first date, don't ignore this thought just because it feels so good on another date
Tips
- Hold your head high. Regain control over the dreams that were stolen from you. Get your pride and self-respect back.
- Life is short; there is no time to let someone who doesn't value you ruin your life.
- Pain is unavoidable, but long-term suffering is a choice. Let it all go.
- Never feel discouraged just because of a failed relationship.
Warning
- Don't isolate yourself after you break up. This can lead to serious depression.
- Don't turn to alcohol, or drugs to solve your problem, this will only make you an addict and cause bigger problems.
