Realizing a man that his behavior has hurt you is not as easy as turning the palm of the hand, but it is not impossible to do. If he does it without any negative intentions (for example, wanting to hurt you on purpose), he's more likely to get defensive and turn hurt when confronted. Be careful, the emergence of negative feelings will only exacerbate the conflict that is built up. Therefore, make sure you read this article for tips on how to have a polite, calm, and mature confrontation. Remember, your goal is to improve the relationship with him, not win the argument!
Step
Part 1 of 3: Managing the Mind
Step 1. Know what you want to change
Instead of simply complaining about how you feel, explain your expectations to him honestly (for example, what you think he needs to do and how to do it). Make sure you have an action plan! Believe me, men are better able to respond to clear plans and expectations than general information.
Step 2. Compile the list
Try making a list of things you want to talk about and things that hurt you (don't forget to give specific examples!). The adrenaline surge due to the heated discussion process is prone to making you forget things that should be conveyed. Therefore, compiling a list will greatly help the smooth running of your discussion process.
Step 3. Determine the right time and place
Speaking in public places can minimize the possibility of things that are not desirable if the situation escalates. In addition, he might also find an excuse to delay the discussion process if the situation gets out of control.
- Try asking him to meet in a fairly private location such as an open parking lot. Make sure you choose a location that is far enough from – but still within reach of – the people around you both.
- Don't argue in rooms or places you've been to before. This can create a negative impression in both of you towards these places.
Step 4. Understand why you are hurting
Think of times when you were hurt; think about what hurt you at that time. Chances are, the pain is rooted in reasons you didn't expect. Therefore, try to analyze your feelings to identify the root of the problem. I'm sure you'll avoid any bigger problems that might arise afterwards.
For example, you may be upset that he forgot your birthday. But are you really hurt just for that reason? Honestly, that excuse is so petty and ridiculous, isn't it? Could it be that you are upset for some other, bigger reason? For example, do you feel like he doesn't really care about you and is just taking advantage of you all this time?
Step 5. Consider the problem from all sides
Admit it, sometimes you feel angry about the things that are really trivial. Before talking to him, make sure you're not being two-faced and that you've evaluated the situation objectively; undoubtedly, you will be helped to avoid unnecessary additional conflicts.
- For example, you may feel hurt that your guy friend spends more time with his girlfriend than with you. Of course you may feel that way; but whatever the reason, you have no right to demand him to fulfill all your wishes, right?
- You may get annoyed when your boyfriend is out with his girlfriends. If it turns out that you also love to travel with your male friends, do you have the right to be angry when your boyfriend does the same thing?
Part 2 of 3: Talking To Him
Step 1. Start the discussion process in a way that feels right to you
You can call him ahead of time and tell him there's something you want to talk to him about. You can also lead him into the discussion process naturally. Choose the method that you think is the most appropriate!
Step 2. Make sure your voice remains calm and controlled
Don't sound dramatic or overly emotional! Trust me, he'll have a harder time taking your complaints seriously. Instead, keep your tone calm throughout the discussion to make the problem-solving process easier.
Step 3. Don't use accusatory language
Instead of accusing and blaming him, use "I" to describe how you feel and the consequences of his behavior towards you.
For example, avoid statements like, "You always forget my birthday." Instead, tell him, "I feel sad when you forget my birthday."
Step 4. Give specific examples
Don't give explanations that are too broad or general; trust me, it's going to be harder and harder for him to sympathize with you, especially since he also feels like he's being "attacked" and hurt by your confrontation. Instead, point out the specific behavior that made you feel hurt.
For example, don't say, "You always let me deal with serious problems alone." Instead, say to him, “I was upset when you had to talk to Bob this morning. Last week you did that too, right?”
Step 5. Make sure he understands that you still care about him
If you seem to want to end the relationship with him for no apparent reason, he's more likely to feel threatened. Therefore, make sure from the beginning you have made it clear that you care; that's why you want to solve the problem, not ignore it and walk away.
Step 6. After conveying all your complaints, react to the response
Remember, make sure you always give a calm and polite response. If he responds negatively, such as getting angry, harassing you, blaming you for his behavior, simplifying your complaint, or turning the situation around, it's a sign that he's not as mature and as good as you'd like him to be.
If the man is your fiancé or husband, try taking him to marriage counseling or therapy to solve problems in your relationship with expert help. I'm sure it will help him to better understand and appreciate your feelings afterwards
Part 3 of 3: Understanding the End Result
Step 1. Understand that engaging in confrontation can lead to further conflict
So before doing anything, try to think about how the two of you have handled the conflict so far. Are you a calm person who prefers to avoid conflict, or is it explosive and difficult to control yourself? Remember, different levels of temperament can lead you both to other problems.
- For example, you are the type of person who gets angry easily while he is the type who is more calm and likes to avoid conflict. If you raise the volume while you're having a conversation with him, he's more likely to avoid or ignore you.
- Even couples who get along very well often have difficulty when faced with different temperaments. The greater the difference in temperament between the two of you, the more likely there is to be trouble in your relationship.
Step 2. Be careful, men tend to protect their egos more than women
That's why he will be defensive or aggressive if he feels his ego is "threatened". When a man is angry, there will be a spike in the hormone testosterone in his body; it is this hormone that will further increase his anger (who says men are not driven by hormones?). On the other hand, women tend to succumb more easily and are less defensive.
Step 3. If he responds positively, don't expect him to change 100% in no time
Every now and then, you may still need to remind him; whenever he makes the same mistake, give your support and don't take it personally. Undoubtedly, sooner or later his behavior will change for the better. If his behavior worsens, try having a follow-up discussion with him. But remember, you're not perfect either and chances are, you need to change too.
Step 4. Remember, there's no need to worry about ruining the romance of your relationship with conflict
Believe me, the happiest couples are those who are willing to realize that even an imperfect relationship will slowly improve if both parties are willing to solve problems maturely.
Tips
- Make sure you are able to provide at least one specific example to discuss.
- Control your emotions in the discussion process; make sure you speak in a calm, confident voice.
- Be strong, not aggressive. Don't insult him, belittle him, or yell at him throughout the discussion process.
- Practice the words you will say in front of the mirror or with your friends first. Try to put yourself in his shoes; if he hears your words, how will he feel?
Warning
- The methods in this article apply to women who want to make a man (whether his partner, boss, or co-worker) aware that his behavior has hurt him, not to deal with a relationship characterized by physical violence. If a man physically harms you, seek immediate help from competent authorities such as a lawyer, doctor, or a trusted mental health professional.
- Physical violence of any kind should not be tolerated; if you are a victim of physical abuse, seek immediate help from competent external parties such as a lawyer, doctor, or a trusted mental health professional.
- If the situation worsens when you confront him, it's best to end the discussion process and seek professional help immediately.
