Conflict is part of all relationships. But sometimes conflict can make your relationship damaged and unpleasant, or even destroy it. Changing the way you deal with a conflict can make you better at managing your relationship. To achieve that, you must learn to be more open and aware that it takes time to accept and understand yourself and your boyfriend. But if you really love him, this step must be done to maintain and improve your relationship with him.
Step
Part 1 of 4: Analyzing the Quarrel Pattern
Step 1. Find out what you guys usually fuss about
The causes of your fights may be trivial things like cleanliness, or bigger issues like jealousy, unfaithfulness, or commitment issues.
You should also be aware that an argument is usually about something beneath the surface (such as hatred or disappointment). What you are arguing about can be just an excuse to bring out other problems that are difficult to express
Step 2. Identify other factors that contributed to your fight
This can be a variety of things, such as alcohol, physical or emotional exhaustion, or stress brought on from work or college. Knowing how to deal with these outside factors can make the mood in your relationship a lot better.
Step 3. Consider your involvement in the problem
Even if you feel like your boyfriend is to blame for everything, try to pause and see if you're also doing something that is a factor in your fight. Sometimes, admitting that you did something wrong to your boyfriend can reduce the intensity of your fight.
Step 4. Find a solution that all parties agree on
You may not know how you are going to solve the problem you are arguing about. But anyway you have to think about how the most ideal solution. Then think about other alternative solutions that you can also accept. This will end your fight in a broader context and in accordance with what you want and certainly save your relationship.
If you feel the need, write down everything you want to say to your boyfriend
Part 2 of 4: Preparing for a “Healthy” Quarrel
Step 1. Tell your boyfriend that you want to talk
Instead of suddenly getting into a fuss over something, this method will make him more prepared and give him less time to think about his position.
Step 2. Determine the purpose of the conversation with your boyfriend
You and your partner must both understand this goal. It's a good idea to write down the purpose of this conversation and then record the agreement/compromise that was reached together.
For example, set a goal to resolve disagreements about how much time you will spend together on weekends. You can create a schedule that shows the time you two spend together versus the time you spend alone doing other activities
Step 3. Plan to do something fun after you talk
Doing new activities or activities that you both enjoy doing will remind you that you both still love each other.
Step 4. Set a time limit
Discussing your problem for 20 to 30 minutes should suffice. Do not let you discuss something for too long to seem endless.
Part 3 of 4: Changing Your Approach
Step 1. Use the word "I" to express how you feel
This word lets you explain what you're thinking without blaming your boyfriend. This will minimize the risk of your boyfriend getting defensive while keeping your communication open and smooth.
You can say, "I feel like I should be the one to chat with you first." instead of saying "You never chatted with me first."
Step 2. Let your boyfriend make his argument and don't interrupt
Let him come up with any defenses or arguments he has, and listen carefully. Resist the urge to interrupt or interrupt him, even if what he says may make you uncomfortable or irritated. If you need clarification, ask in a neutral tone.
Step 3. Maintain respectful body language
Non-verbal communication is important. Sitting or standing with your shoulders and knees facing your boyfriend is a sign that you are listening to him. Avoid crossing or folding your arms, tapping your feet, and rolling your eyes up.
Touch your girlfriend. A direct touch will keep both parties calm even if they have different opinions. Sometimes you just need to be quiet for a moment and hold his hand
Step 4. Listen to the implied emotion of his words
We all have emotional needs, and maybe your boyfriend's needs aren't being met. He may not express this need directly or may not even be aware of his need at all. Consider ways you can meet your boyfriend's emotional needs.
Emotional needs include: security, love, friendship, physical intimacy, pleasure, control over one's environment, self-esteem, involvement, status, sense of accomplishment, self-worth, and purpose
Step 5. Re-confirm what your boyfriend said
Repeating what he said in your own words will help both parties understand each other's point of view.
Step 6. Make sure your boyfriend gives you a chance to make an argument
Speak openly, calmly, and specifically when you raise your grievances and arguments. If your boyfriend interrupts or cuts you off, remind him that you've given him a chance to talk, and that you deserve equal treatment.
Step 7. Determine what you can do to reach the right solution
This of course will require sacrifice from both parties. But either way, trying to sacrifice something for the sake of your relationship is a well-deserved sacrifice.
Step 8. Confirm the agreement again
Make sure you both understand the solution that has been made, how to prevent this problem from appearing again, and what the consequences are if someone violates this solution or agreement. If necessary, set a date to evaluate the solution and the agreement you made.
Part 4 of 4: Handling Endless Quarrels
Step 1. Accept the fact that you can't just change other people
Some fights are likely to continue despite your best efforts. If your boyfriend starts saying things that hurt your feelings, misunderstands you, is arrogant, or judgmental, it means that his ego is being disturbed and he's starting to defend and protect himself. Even if you feel that saying or doing the right thing could change his attitude, he's in a state of not appreciating anything from you.
Step 2. Back off
Even though you can't change other people, you can at least maintain your condition. Realizing that you can't do anything else will help you avoid unnecessary confrontation. Backing away from an argument with your boyfriend isn't always wrong. But remember, this is not a form of punishment for him. Continue to accept and love him, and when he can finally open up, be by his side to listen and resolve pending issues.
Sometimes stepping back and staying away from each other for 30 minutes can calm both parties down. Go for a walk, chat with a friend, or do something that really makes you feel better before you go back to your boyfriend and solve any pending issues
Step 3. Stop talking
If you can't physically back out of an argument, back off quietly. Listen to your heart and don't make the situation worse by saying unnecessary things.
Tips
- Even if you are very angry at the time, don't scream.
- Always talk one on one or in private. Don't do it by phone text message.
- Sometimes, smiling can make you feel better.
- There are times when you should avoid any fights, for example when you are under the influence of alcohol, driving, about to leave the house, being around other people (especially children), tired, stressed, hungry, sick, or on vacation or on a special occasion. Quarrels can wait if certain conditions impose.
- Find out if this fight is worth it for the sake of your relationship. Talk to your boyfriend about it. If you find that you can't come up with a solution to your disagreements despite your many attempts, you may need to revisit your relationship.
