Problems in parent-child relationships are common. Do you have a desire to improve relations with your parents? Don't worry, you're not alone. Building a better relationship with your parents is not easy, especially if you still put your ego first and are reluctant to compromise. Some of the steps you need to take are: identify the main problems in your relationship with your parents, develop a more mature relationship with them, and focus on changing your mindset and behavior around them. Keep reading this article for a more complete explanation!
Step
Method 1 of 2: Changing Yourself
Step 1. Show your initiative
Don't wait for your parents to take the initiative to repair the relationship. If you want to build a better relationship with them, show your initiative right away!
Step 2. Show your appreciation
Consider all the things they have done for you; all their help, and everything they do and influence your mindset. You'll definitely feel more grateful and more motivated to improve your relationship afterward. You will also be motivated to compromise and forgive when they upset you.
- Let them know that you appreciate everything they have done. Feeling unappreciated is painful; don't let your parents feel it.
- Show your appreciation through action. Buy them the things they want or – if you still live with them – help them clean the house or do their laundry without being asked. Such a simple act was enough to make them happy.
Step 3. Separate emotionally from your parents
That doesn't mean you can no longer care about or love your parents. “Separate” here means no longer being too emotionally attached to your parents. This you need to do to reduce debate and disagreement with them. Reducing emotional attachments also makes it easier for you to get out of a situation without hurting anyone. There are two things you can do to reduce your emotional attachment to them:
- There is no need to always ask them for permission. Define yourself and make decisions based on your own understanding.
- Acknowledge your past and try to move on with your life. Your relationship with your parents in the past may not have been very good. Recall the bad experience and try to assess your role so far. But never let the bad experience rule your life and define your relationship in the future.
Step 4. Accept their perspective
Often, problems in relationships arise when one party doesn't want to understand the other's perspective. Try to empathize with your parents and understand the reasons behind their attitudes; surely you will be easier to compromise and improve relations with them.
- Accept the fact that your parents are different. They grew up in different generations, adhered to different social norms, were surrounded by different technologies, accepted different parenting styles, and had different mindsets. Think that their way of living must be very different from how you live yours. Realize that all these differences can cause problems in your relationship with them.
- Insert that knowledge when discussing with them. Remind them that times have changed; ask them to recall their relationship with their parents. Observe whether they have experienced problems due to "generational differences" with their parents.
- If your relationship has soured because they forbade you to go on vacation with your partner, try reminding them that people in their generation tend to be more conservative. Times have changed, situations have changed, and the fact is that vacationing together with a partner is a common thing these days.
Step 5. Build your identity
Of course you are allowed to think for yourself and have your own opinion. Do not hesitate to strengthen independence and build self-identity; indirectly, this will help lead your relationship and your parents in a more mature direction.
- Find yourself. Put aside what other people (including your parents) think about you and the way you live your life, then ask yourself some important questions like, “What kind of feeling do I want to feel the most?” or “what do I want to do to pass the time?” or “what is my talent?” or “what kind of person am I?”. Make sure you answer all questions honestly.
- When you decide to follow your parent's opinion, ask yourself, “Am I following their opinion because I know they are right? Or do I have a tendency to automatically follow their mindset (like romantic relationships, political views, or things as simple as my favorite sports team)?”.
Step 6. Try to see them as other adults, not as your parents
If you constantly look at them as parents, you may unwittingly act like a child in front of them. As a result, your mission also failed to be launched.
If you continue to rely on your parents for finances, they will feel entitled to give you advice you don't want or force you to spend time with them
Method 2 of 2: Changing Relationship Dynamics
Step 1. Find the main problem
Find the main problem that is blocking your relationship with your parents. In general, there are several reasons that might encourage you to improve your relationship with them.
You may feel that they are giving you unsolicited advice too often, treating you like a child, not respecting your opinion, forcing you to spend time with them, or being disrespectful towards your best friend or partner. Make sure you are able to pinpoint the specific aspect that is the problem and needs to be fixed
Step 2. Respect your parents
Even if you don't agree with their upbringing or life principles, still respect them. Doing so will encourage them not to get defensive with you, no matter how bad the situation is
There are several ways to show your appreciation. For example, use polite words (such as “sorry” or “do you mind if”); also use unselfish words (“maybe” instead of “surely so”) and don't cut them off
Step 3. Don't let the situation get worse
If you have a fight with your parents, do your best to remedy the situation. This shows that you care about your relationship with them. It also helps reduce the chances of you arguing later on.
Step 4. Stay calm
Don't overreact when you're talking to your parents. If you can't control your emotions, you might say something you'll regret later. In addition to showing your immaturity, this attitude will also mess up your relationship with your parents in the future.
- When your emotions escalate when you are interacting with your parents, ask yourself again what really makes your emotions run wild.
- If your parents object to your habit of not washing the dishes after eating, ask yourself: “What's wrong with washing dishes after eating? After all, I'll be the one to use it again after that."
- Or if you're already living apart but they're still too much involved in your life, asking details about your work, or giving unsolicited advice, ask yourself: “What made them so eager to get involved in my life? Is it because they care about me and worry about my financial condition?” In addition to easing your anger, asking such questions will also help you to respond better. In this case, you can try to improve the relationship by allaying their concerns about your financial situation.
- If reassessing the situation hasn't calmed your anger, try asking politely, "Can we continue this discussion when I've calmed down?" Explain that you are currently feeling upset and don't want to accidentally use harsh words.
Step 5. Keep your attitude positive
Smile at your parents; show a positive, warm, and friendly attitude to them. Show with your body language that their presence makes you happy. Also show that you care about your physical and emotional health. This attitude can improve the nuances of communication and improve your relationship with your parents. Even without realizing it, your parents may imitate your positive attitudes and emotions. Remember, positive communication can keep each other in a good mood. As a result, your relationship will move in a more positive direction.
Step 6. Don't ask for advice if you don't really want it
Sometimes, problems arise when parents give advice that "violates" your freedom of thought and the limits of your autonomy (especially in children and adolescents).
To work around this, try to ask for advice only if you really want it. Don't ask for advice just because you're lazy
Step 7. Be honest and open
One powerful way to improve relationship dynamics is to tell your parents things you didn't want to tell your parents before. This step will strengthen the foundation of trust in the relationship and potentially improve the quality of the relationship with your parents.
Communicate regularly. This you need to do so that your parents have a better understanding of your life, even about the things that make you upset or happy. If they don't know you well, they'll have a hard time fixing a relationship with you. If you will listen to them, they will likely be motivated to listen to you more; this gives you an opportunity to discuss the possibility of improving the relationship
Step 8. Make clear boundaries and rules
If your desire to maintain good relations is often stymied by disagreements that pop up without your permission, consider avoiding certain topics that could trigger disagreements. This is especially effective if you're an adult and no longer living with them. You can also make rules that must be agreed upon by both parties going forward.
- Sit down with your parents and share your desire to improve the relationship with them. Also convey that to make it happen, you feel the need to implement some rules that they must agree on. On the other hand, they can do the same.
- If you're a teenager or child, some rules you can make are: don't talk about certain topics that could trigger disagreements, give you the opportunity to try new things without their intervention, or allow you to stay home late while you're in the news. them and not fall into the negative.
- If you're an adult, some rules you can make are: ask them not to continue interfering with your parenting, or ask them to stop commenting on your husband/wife.
- Collect all the rules that have been made, then discard the rules that you do not agree on. Every now and then, observe whether you or your parents are still satisfied with the agreed-upon rules.
Step 9. Avoid unnecessary debate
Sometimes, debate is unavoidable. But as much as possible, keep yourself away from unnecessary debates. This means you need to learn to keep your mouth shut when your parents say something that doesn't make sense. Determine whether their statements really need to be responded to or not. If their statement does need a response, be as direct and polite as possible to prevent an overly emotional argument from escalating.
Step 10. Interact like an adult
Present a logical view of the issues being discussed and show your parents that you are capable of dealing with them maturely. Most likely, they will "reciprocate" your attitude by showing a response that is also mature.
