Emotional infidelity occurs when a deep emotional bond forms with someone outside your official love or marriage relationship, and it really weighs on your mind. This kind of affair includes sharing secrets and hopes, deepest thoughts and shifting the closeness of a relationship that should exist with an official partner, but instead is formed with someone else. This relationship can be started without bad intentions, when you feel that the situation is not good with your current partner, then decide to draw other people in to become someone you don't get from your partner.
On the other hand, even if it seems okay at first, it can be just as difficult-or even harder, to get away from an emotional affair, than a sexual affair. If you are aware that you need to put an end to an emotional affair, being able to break the pattern is a very important point in your efforts to restore your legal partner's trust and confidence.
Step
Method 1 of 5: Finding Emotional Infidelity
Step 1. Find the features
Emotional infidelity does not involve sexual intercourse, but some of the signs are the same as sex outside of marriage or infidelity, such as:
- Guilt feelings – signs include frequent attempts to avoid official partners/girlfriends, and more time with the illicit lover, details of shared intimacy, etc.
- Vulnerabilities – You share too much. So many things are told that this secret lover is able to reveal a lot of sensitive information if he ever meets your official partner. Or, you feel vulnerable because you haven't been able to live up to your own personal sense of honor, such as being the perfect spouse/parent, and so on. At this point, the attention and affection of others becomes one way to escape from the anxiety of not being able to be a perfect partner.
- Threatened – You feel threatened or your relationship/marriage feels threatened as a result of your emotional infidelity.
- Dishonest – you are being dishonest with your legal partner about where you are, or with whom. You even change the gender of a "friend" who suddenly becomes frequently spoken to, be it online, at work, or at social gatherings so your partner doesn't suspect anything. If the emotional affair is going online, you may be pretending to be playing games on your phone, emailing close friends, chatting on social media or some other seemingly normal behavior.
Step 2. Be honest when considering what is really going on, regarding this third wheel in your life
Maybe deep down you are already aware of this element of dishonesty and infidelity involved with other people. Dealing with this openly can be very difficult, but there are a few things that can help you realize how dangerous your position is:
You know that this depth of intimacy and connection with other people has entered into inappropriate realms. Your commitment to your legal partner is threatened or shaken by the presence of another person who knows so much about your life and daily life
Method 2 of 5: Determining Why Infidelity Happened
Step 1. Be firm with yourself about the origin of the emotional attachment
Understanding why you fell into the trap of emotional infidelity is essential to help you move past it, if you really want to. Emotional infidelity is a sign that something is wrong with your marriage or long-term relationship. When a friendship, acquaintance or work relationship turns into an emotional affair, it's most likely because you feel you have a problem with your legal partner, or because your partner is cheating on you who is manipulative and you're not strong enough to resist the temptation.
Step 2. Consider the possible breakdown of your own emotional state that triggers the need to have an emotional affair
While you can rationalize the flow of emotional infidelity as nothing more than a fleeting relationship, if the underlying problem isn't resolved, you'll end up being dragged down the same hole again. Some of the emotional handicaps that may allow you to fall into an emotional affair include:
- Inability to accept criticism. If you tend to see almost anything your partner says as criticism because you always need positive feedback, you'll tend to look elsewhere.
- Any form of psychological trauma or long-term emotional trauma that is not healed through appropriate therapy or other assistance, can lead to escapist behavior, including engaging in emotional affairs, rather than solving the underlying problem. Seeking help from a professional therapist or psychologist can be one way to break this cycle. Not everyone is successful in therapy, but acknowledging and finding ways to deal with your emotional problems is definitely a good start to emotional healing.
Method 3 of 5: Why Emotional Infidelity Is Unfair
Step 1. Realize how unfair an emotional affair is to all involved
Breaking up with an emotional affair will be much easier when you realize this. Put yourself in the shoes of your legal partner or mistress. Ask yourself: "Would I like to be positioned that way?". Injustice that occurs is pervasive because:
- Emotional infidelity is unfair to your mistress. Instead of being a true friend or lover, he only serves to fill the void in your legal relationship, but without the pleasures of a legitimate relationship.
- Emotional infidelity is unfair to your legal partner. Marriage or a long term relationship is a bond that demands long term trust, trust and attention. If you consider that your legal spouse is constantly not meeting your needs, your options are simply to accept it as it is, or move on. If your legal partner is emotionally unable to connect, it's unfair for him to keep waiting while you quietly waste energy outside the official relationship.
- Lastly, emotional infidelity is unfair to you because it forces you to divide your consciousness or self into several parts, while isolating the two parts from each other. Instead of solving a problem where you feel tormented by living with someone who can't support you emotionally, you're greedily wanting to have both: a legal partner and an affair. It's a situation that could end up hurting all parties involved.
Method 4 of 5: Decide What To Do
Step 1. Consider your commitment to your legal partner
Is it still solid, even though you harbor escapist fantasies? Have you been under a lot of stress lately and therefore prefer to just go easy on the pretext of trying to solve the problem, while underestimating how painful it can be for the legal partner? If you realize that what's most important is maintaining your legal relationship, then the next step is to end the emotional affair immediately.
Accept that romance doesn't just happen. It takes a lot of effort throughout the life of the relationship itself. The sooner you accept this, the better it will be for your own emotional strength
Step 2. Realize that the situation will be difficult
Emotional infidelity tends to last longer and stronger than sexual infidelity. Emotional intimacy tends to ignite the flames of desire and keep the interest in the relationship at its peak. Unlike the gradual decrease in desire that often occurs in sex outside of marriage. There's always the question "What if?" that hangs on to such a relationship, plus the temptation to imagine the two of you suddenly becoming a soulmate spending the rest of your life together forever. This deep, evolving relationship will make a one-sided breakup even more difficult. What's more, if you have a “secret” way to stay in touch like via SMS, email, IM, etc., then the temptation to stay in touch will be very high at first.
Accept that the situation will not be easy. But if you dare to decide that your legal partner deserves loyalty, that's the price to pay
Step 3. Cut off your emotional intimacy
If you decide to end the intimacy of an emotional affair, then a quick breakup is often better than a protracted one. It may be in writing, or over the phone. Most importantly, state the reasons why you want to end the affair. Or, be brave and come forward and explain all your considerations for ending the relationship:
- “I'm writing you this letter or calling you because it feels like I've crossed the line in our relationship. I feel compatible with you, happy to be with you, but this relationship we have is not fair to you, to me, to my lover. I take full responsibility for my actions and understand that this may feel awkward. I wish we could still be friends, but I understand if you don't want to."
- If you meet and speak in person, there may be more to say and answer. Be prepared for tears, anger, or even a firm insistence that he never thinks your relationship has crossed the line. You have to be honest and stick with your own feelings, all the while stating over and over that "you" do have feelings for him, but don't want to go any further.
Step 4. Take responsibility for your lack of integrity and honesty, which creates situations of emotional infidelity
Your emotional affair may have long been hurt by tears without getting the other elements that a healthy relationship deserves. Don't dwell on feelings of guilt or let them take over. Instead, use this opportunity as a reflection of yourself and growth in maturity.
Ask a therapist for help to resolve deeper mental issues that you can't handle on your own. You deserve to live a happier, more complete life, and this won't happen if you allow yourself to be run over by other people
Method 5 of 5: Dealing with the Storm After Breakup
Step 1. Talk to your legal partner about all the problems that emotional infidelity can cause
If you decide to end your emotional affair and refocus on your legal partner, it may be worth discussing the issues that caused you to seek an emotional oasis outside of a legal relationship.
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What aspects of emotional infidelity do you respond to positively? If “communication” is a factor that you feel is lacking or absent in a legitimate relationship, what steps can be taken to improve it? Consider raising these issues with your partner:
“I want to talk to you about how we can improve communication between us. I really value our relationship, and I love you, but I think we can improve communication between us, including the way in which we communicate with each other. What do you think?""
- Ask your legal partner if there is an issue he feels in your relationship, then try to fix it. Often times, your partner will withdraw from a relationship when he or she feels disappointed or confused, leading you to seek emotional gratification elsewhere. If you fix some of the problems that are bothering your partner, you will find that your own needs are suddenly being met.
Step 2. Write down what you learned after making a decision
Grab a journal and pen, find a comfortable corner to write in, and start writing. Write down all your thoughts. Write down your expectations. Write down what your ideal relationship would look like. Strive for and direct your legitimate relationship to that vision, acknowledging that “you” have to try just as hard as your partner.
- Face and resolve your emotional problems instead of adopting an escape strategy to dodge them. Writing down the problem at hand can help you understand what went wrong. Talking to trusted people also has a similar effect.
- Be open and honest with your partner about issues that you feel need to be addressed, in order to be more whole and healthy. How do you know your legal partner turns out to be your best ally in dealing with problems, especially once he realizes the seriousness of the emotional challenges you face and witnesses your own concern about his attitude towards you.
Step 3. Consider changing some aspects of your relationship, for the better
After successfully opening a discussion with your partner, now is the time to implement a number of changes that you believe will make the relationship better.
- Distance is one of the main factors. Maybe your relationship broke down because you felt squeezed. If so, maybe you should give yourself some time. Or maybe your relationship is damaged by not getting enough time to see each other. This can be an opportunity to increasingly try to steal time from the busy daily schedule so that they can meet, date, basically together.
- Ask yourself if you are married or dating because of a physical relationship. Many people who engage in emotional infidelity are sexually satisfied but emotionally hungry. Healthy sexual relationships are good, but not at the expense of emotional and psychological relationships.
Step 4. Take some time to think about all of this
If you're feeling unsure, unsure, or just need a moment, consider breaking up for a while. (Alternatively, get away from your partner for a while, to straighten out your perspective.) A short distance away gives you a fresh perspective on the world. We only live once, so we should make it worth living.
If you decide that the current legal relationship, despite all your efforts, is still failing, it may be best to just dissolve it, reaffirming any unmet needs in the relationship. It is always better to admit failure than to condemn both of you to a future without love and affection
Tips
- Whatever strengths you see in your emotional partner, it may diminish as you get to know them better. Whatever it is, it's probably just something you create and project onto it. Like a child who is a divorced child who lives with either father or mother, but idolizes someone who is not in his or her life, chances are that you only see what you want to see in your partner.
- Even if you are not the only one involved and responsible, if you are planning to end the affair and stay with your legal partner, the person with whom you cheated deserves a full explanation, and even an apology for the emotional manipulation suffered because of you. This breakup will be painful, but it must be done as completely and completely as possible, because it is almost impossible to be friends again after that.
- The more honest, communicative, introspective and responsible you handle the situation, the more likely your legal partner will forgive you and use this situation to build a deeper bond. It's not impossible that you're just exaggerating the emotional differences you feel. Your legal partner will also want to learn to overcome shortcomings in order to be closer to you.
Warning
- If you intend to be honest with your legal partner and want to stay with him, you must completely cut off all ties with your mistress. Honestly explain why you're having an affair, why you don't feel comfortable trying to get what's missing from a legitimate relationship with your partner in person, etc. Prepare to go through the long process of rebuilding his trust, while responding to his reactions by imagining what it would be like if you were in the same position.
- If you're having an emotional affair because your legal partner is volatile, acting between distant and abusive, it's probably best if you don't talk about the affair after breaking up with your cheating partner. (if your legal partner is violent, seek help in getting out of the relationship)
- Do not be close to an emotional affair if you decide to break up with a legal partner. It is likely that an overly complex and highly dependent relationship will form that is far less healthy than the one you left. His motivation to want to have sex with someone who in fact is married or in a partner, can be an indication of a deep inner problem, and this has the potential to become a storm once it is combined with your own problems. Also, he's more likely to leave you without having time to meet your needs, which again makes you more likely to seek gratification outside of a legal relationship with him. The point is, a healthy human being who is looking for and able to build a functional relationship with someone whose needs are met psychologically, sexually, emotionally, and vice versa, will not want to have an affair with you. Of course, this, as with any generalization, will fall apart at some point, but take this advice seriously.
