Everyone has the right to live a life full of love. Meanwhile, if you are autistic, it may be difficult for you to overcome shyness, date like neurotypical people, and face the social stigma of autism. However, with persistence and practice, anyone can date and build a relationship with someone who understands autism fully, and knows that everyone is unique.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Meeting Potential Lovers
Step 1. Find that special person through common interests
One of the easiest ways to find a potential partner is to connect with other people through activities you both enjoy doing.
- One of the characteristics of people with autism is "special interests" and finding other people with similar interests may or may not be easy.
- Shared interests will provide conversation material and are a great foundation for a date.
- Try finding groups whose activities you enjoy through sites like Meetup, or taking local courses.
- Think about the social activities you have attended. Do you know anyone who might be interested in a relationship?
- Think in an unconventional way. Social intercourse does not always have to be physical. Video games, such as Minecraft, can be a way to build community and meet people who share similar interests, without the stress of face-to-face interaction.
Step 2. Learn to read neurotypical social cues, if the woman you are crushing on is neurotypical
While you want to find people who are receptive to your communication style, you must first learn to flirt and determine if the opposite sex is interested.
- Watch television shows and movies to get an idea of other people's cues, but be aware that screen representations are not always realistic.
- Make eye contact or try to stare at him for a few seconds, then look the other way. Try to notice if he seems to be staring at you. If so, maybe he likes you.
- Smile a little. You should smile at the person you like, but only smile a little, and look the other way after a few seconds.
- Show confidence. Even if you're nervous, act like you're not nervous at all.
Step 3. Find a mentor
Ask a friend, relative, or teacher to help with date preparations. Choose a friend who is experienced in the dating world. If you're worried about whether you'll be able to chat later, you can role-play or even practice dating with a friend.
- Ask the mentor what he or she is looking for in a partner. Is there anything you find odd on a date? What does he like? Let him know that you appreciate his honesty.
- It might help if you have a notebook with dating tips.
Step 4. Consider online dating
If you are autistic, it is usually easier for you to express your feelings in writing than in person. Online dating is a way to meet people with similar interests in a safe and structured environment.
- Know what you want in a relationship. Are you looking for a casual or long term relationship? Make sure beforehand so you know how to proceed. Dating sites usually specialize according to the needs of their users.
- Decide what dating site is best for you. If you wish, there are websites that bring together autistic people who might get along well with each other. This can relieve the pressure of having to read the dating cues of neurotypical people.
Step 5. Pay attention to appearance
When dating, make sure you always look good.
- Bathe regularly and get a haircut, and trim a mustache or beard (if any)
- Wear clean and tidy clothes that fit your body. Don't be afraid to ask a friend or family member for help when shopping. They can choose clothes that highlight your attractiveness.
Part 2 of 3: Getting to Know Someone Deeper
Step 1. Start slowly
When asking someone out for the first time, you need to be relaxed so you don't sound too formal.
- For example, say, "Hey, do you want to see a movie this Saturday?"
- For starters, you can ask him out via text message. Ask your mentor to preview the message before sending it.
Step 2. Plan a date
A plan will ease the tension and you'll get an idea of how the date will go.
- Don't feel like you have to ask her out on a regular date if you don't want to. The bar may be too noisy, and dinner may require small talk.
- Try activity-based dating. For example, if you like bowling, invite him to bowl. When there is a pause in the chat, you can talk about the game. If you like art, take her to an art museum. You can talk art with him, and museums allow you to be quiet.
- Write down a date plan. He will likely appreciate your initiative to plan a date and find it romantic.
Step 3. Let him talk
When dating, let him talk at least half the time. As you listen, nod your head occasionally or insert a small comment like “interesting” to show that you are actively listening.
- Ask open-ended questions, and if yours can be answered with a yes or no, follow up with questions that require long answers. For example, if you ask, "Do you have a sibling?" and he replied "Yes, two older brothers," said, "Oh, what are they like?"
- When he asks, don't be too short, but don't take over the conversation.
Step 4. Find out his favourites
Know what he likes. What is his favorite movie, book, music or game? What's his hobby?
After being notified, check as soon as you get home. Listen to a song or read his favorite book. That will give him an idea of himself, and provide chatter for a second date
Step 5. Accept the rejection if it happens
It hurts, but remember that everyone experiences it. Look at the people on the street. Are all your types? Certainly not. Not that there's anything wrong with them. It just doesn't suit you. Similarly, you may not be a match for him, and that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.
- If you're worried about being rejected, try preparing a response in advance. For example, you would say, “Okay, see you later,” and then walk away.
- If you ask someone out via an online or written message, no answer usually means "no." So don't chase answers.
- Don't give up after one rejection. Try it with someone else. Dating is a matter of persistence. Rejected simply states that you don't fit into that one. Rejection is in no way implying that there is anything wrong with you.
Part 3 of 3: Maintaining Relationships
Step 1. Describe your autism
When you feel comfortable, talk about your disability, and explain how it affects you personally. If you are dating a neurotypical individual, you need to find a middle ground.
- Be prepared to hear awkward questions. Give honest and factual answers.
- Relationships are two people who want to understand each other. Encourage him to search online resources to learn more about autism.
- Show that you can be a caring partner, but sometimes social situations make you have to try harder.
Step 2. Set clear boundaries
Boundaries are necessary in any relationship, whether sexual or nonsexual, and autism makes it difficult for sufferers to understand other people's body language. Communicate boundaries clearly and non-judgmentally, and ask him to do the same.
- Ask him to tell you what makes him uncomfortable and what he hopes you don't do. Also share what makes you uncomfortable because he may not realize that you don't like his little gestures.
- It's best if this limit is written on a piece of paper or a message. Written boundaries are easier to follow and can later become a reference.
Step 3. Give an occasional affectionate response, not a completely honest answer
Autism makes you love honesty and it's hard to lie. That's fine, but maybe too blunt in certain situations.
- Know when you should "lie a little out of kindness" so as not to hurt your partner's feelings.
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For example, if she's wearing a new dress and asks if it's nice or not, you might as well say "yes" even if you don't think so.
In a situation like this, don't think too much about the question, what do you think of her new dress. Just notice that he feels happy wearing the shirt and wants to share that happiness with you
- Also, know that your partner isn't always outspoken with you. However, this doesn't mean you have to tolerate lying. Just don't demand him to tell you all the details of his life.
Step 4. Ask what you want to know, and vice versa
If you're having trouble expressing your feelings, it's a good idea to have a weekly question-and-answer session, perhaps over coffee or dinner.
- Try setting up a series of questions. This can be a sweet ritual as a couple and a way to stay close. This session will make both of you feel heard and valued.
- An example of a series of questions is:
- What did I do this week that made you happy?
- What did I do this week that made you sad?
- What do you want us to do together next week?
Step 5. Show concern
Think about what you can do to make her smile.
- Write a list of things your partner likes on your phone. If he says he likes dahlias and certain types of chocolate, take notes.
- Check the list often. Buy dahlias and chocolates for no reason at all.
Step 6. Write a letter
Autistic or not, writing is a beautiful way to express feelings to someone.
- You can write a letter on paper or an email.
- Write down what you like about him, and let him read.
Tips
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If you don't know if he's still single, ask, "So, are you close to anyone?" It's a common question that will let him know if he's still single and at the same time signal that you like him.
However, try to find out this information clandestinely. Don't let him think you're stalking him. If you're not comfortable asking him directly, try asking one of his friends
- Be quick to apologize if you upset him. Explain why you did whatever it is, and say you're sorry. Ask what you can do to fix the error and not do it again. It shows that you care, and is the quickest way to be forgiven.
- If she responds negatively after hearing that you are autistic, don't be offended. The problem is in the ignorance, you deserve people who appreciate you for who you are.
- If he gets close, let him (as long as it's within limits). All women love cuddles and would really appreciate it if you let her close.
