Dealing with an abusive brother or sister is serious. Sibling violence can affect your relationships with family, friends (including peers), coworkers, and yourself. Often times, this violence is seen as competition between siblings, when in fact your brother always attacks you and you are always the victim. You are in a situation filled with violence. Learn how to identify forms of violence by your brother or sister, and don't hesitate to ask for help from your household or contact the authorities in more serious situations.
Step
Part 1 of 3: Finding out the Forms of Violence Experienced
Step 1. Understand what constitutes violence
Keep in mind that violence takes many forms, but it's important that you understand the basic concepts of most types of violence. Sibling rivalry is indeed a common thing, but if one party always attacks and the other party is always the victim, this condition has become a violence.
- Sibling violence can be physical, emotional, or sexual, and often occurs from one sibling to another.
- Violence is usually perpetrated as a form of power and control. If your sibling tries to make you feel helpless, neglected, or inferior, you may be experiencing violence.
- When in doubt, ask for help from an expert to provide an opinion and an evaluation of the situation.
Step 2. Recognize the signs of emotional abuse
This violence occurs in isolation, or encourages physical or sexual violence. Emotional abuse from a sibling is an attempt to control you by manipulating your thoughts and emotions so that you always feel fear, shame, or low self-esteem.
- Emotional abuse often leaves you feeling awry. In this case, whatever you do may anger your sibling or criticize you.
- Emotional abuse usually makes the victim feel unheard or cared for, unloved, and insignificant.
- Emotional abuse takes several forms, such as a sibling who frequently criticizes your appearance, work, or academic achievement. Your sibling may also try to make you believe that you are not respected or wanted by other family members.
Step 3. Watch for signs of physical abuse
Such violence refers to excessive coercion or any act that causes physical harm to another person. In general, physical violence is control over another party that is carried out through coercion or physical action.
- Some of the more common forms of physical violence include hitting, kicking, biting, throwing objects at the victim, and other physical actions by the perpetrator to control or beat the victim.
- Some signs of physical abuse include bruises, broken bones, burns, bite marks, cuts, abrasions, scars, and other injuries.
Step 4. Learn the signs of sexual assault
This violence refers to touching, pointing certain limbs, or forcibly intimate acts against siblings. Unfortunately, sexual violence is often the least expressed or addressed form of sibling violence.
- Sexual violence against siblings does not have to include forced sex acts. Sometimes, this violence occurs through the pointing of a limb or unwanted touching.
- If you feel this kind of violence is happening at home, it's a good idea to contact law enforcement or a social service employee as soon as possible.
Part 2 of 3: Getting Help from Others
Step 1. Talk to your parent or guardian
Approach them and tell them what's going on, especially if you and your sibling are still living together at home. Explain that what they are seeing is not just sibling rivalry, and that you need help dealing with your sibling's attack or violence.
- Explain to your parent or guardian that what they see as competition is actually a development of a situation in which you become a victim of your sibling's aggression. Try saying something like, “You may see our fights as normal between siblings, but I have always been a victim of brother/sister violence and it took a serious toll on me.”
- Show that you want to find a solution to stop the cycle of violence, and need their help and emotional support. You can say, "I want this family to have a happy and healthy relationship, and I need help ending brother/sister violence."
Step 2. Ask for help from others
If you can't get the support you need from your parents or changes from your sibling, involve other family members or close family friends. Tell him that your brother is abusing you, and that you want to seek help.
- Try asking, "Can I stay over at your house (or Uncle, Aunt, and other family members) if he's too violent to control?"
- If you want him to help refer you to a professional (eg a therapist or law enforcement officer), explain your wishes to him and ask, “Would you like to help me submit a report or make an appointment?”
- Have him speak to your parents or siblings as a third party. Let him explain the violence he heard from your story, and explain that what you are experiencing is a serious problem. Make him your advocate.
Step 3. Notify the authorities
Law enforcement authorities take physical and sexual violence seriously. If your sibling's violence is too difficult to handle on your own, or if he puts you in a very dangerous situation because of his actions, contact the police immediately.
- For quick assistance, call the Violence of Women and Children hotline at 0813-1761-7622.
- If you are very young, try to file a complaint or contact the Ministry of Women's Empowerment and Child Protection, especially when you feel threatened in your own home.
- Understand that perpetrators of assault or violence who are found guilty can be sentenced to long prison terms. This shouldn't make you hesitate to report the abuser, but don't immediately file a report just because you had a small fight with your brother or sister.
Step 4. Seek counselling
Counseling sessions with a visible therapist or clinical social worker can help you reduce the long-term impact of your sibling's abuse. Talk to a counselor openly and honestly about what you're going through, and use their advice to start the recovery process. Keep in mind that the counselor on duty may be required to report abuse you have experienced to protect you. However, this should not necessarily make you hesitate to talk to someone.
- If you still live with a sibling and your parents or guardians, ask the whole family for family counseling. Take this moment as an opportunity to get professional mediation and work things out together.
- If you have to deal with the effects of violence, therapy can provide a long-term solution to start the recovery process. Find a therapist who specializes in dealing with victims of violence and describe the situation you were in when you first met him.
- Look for affordable therapy options by asking your doctor for a referral. Alternatively, visit a clinic run by a doctoral or master's candidate (or apprenticeship student). Sometimes, these clinics offer a fee based on the ability of the patient and sometimes free counseling services.
Part 3 of 3: Confronting Your Brother
Step 1. Address the issues behind the violence
Talk to him to find out why he was violent towards you. Maybe he's annoyed with school life, work, romantic relationships, or other aspects of life. Talk to him to help him understand the cause of his anger.
- Try telling him, “I can help you find a solution like therapy or a support group if that's what you want.”
- Listen and show understanding of what he is saying, but don't let him vent his personal trauma on you.
Step 2. Get away
If there is a particular situation that prompts him to be rude, walk away before the situation worsens. For example, if he verbally abuses a competitive activity, decline the invitation to compete with him and leave the room immediately or distance yourself from the situation.
- Take advantage of this as a short term solution while looking for a long term solution. His violence shouldn't make it difficult for you to enjoy the things you enjoy or keep you from your family. Don't stay away from your family as a long term solution.
- Explain to others that you are not leaving because of their presence or behavior, but to prevent a more dangerous situation. Offer to make time for them when your sibling isn't involved.
Step 3. Face your brother
Let him know that you see his behavior as violent. Explain the impact his violence or attack had on you and show that you will actively seek ways to stop his actions.
- If possible, have an open and honest chat with him. Try to solve the problem by saying, "Your actions towards me were so rude and hurt me."
- If honest conversation doesn't seem to have any impact on his actions, set boundaries for him. You could say that you will ignore phone calls, text messages, or attempts to talk to you.
- Remind him that you want to find a way to deal with his violence. This step may include involving other family members or the authorities.
Step 4. Break up with your sibling
If possible (and there is no pressure from the other side), break the family relationship with your sibling. Stop all communication with him and let him know that if he can't stop being violent, he will no longer be a part of your life.
- Tell him, "Your actions are unhealthy and I can no longer deal with you."
- If necessary, block him from commonly used communication media, such as cell phones and social media.
Tips
- Have an open relationship with your parents. Talk to them regularly about everything that is happening in your life, including your problem with your sibling.
- Take self-defense classes. You can learn how to protect yourself when attacked and escape from attackers.
- Defend yourself and fight back against your brother when he attacks, but don't do your best to make him feel the "evil" he is doing. You have the right to feel safe in your own home, but remember that your home is his home too.
- Do not hesitate to involve the police if your brother's actions have crossed the line. If your life is in danger, the authorities need to be involved.
- DO NOT retaliate as this could make your sibling or the abuser feel that he did the right thing or at least think his action was successful because he could get your attention. Ignore him and talk to someone else about the problem if his behavior starts to get out of hand.
