Someone who behaves codependently will usually have a one-sided relationship. In these kinds of relationships, codependent people tend to ignore their own needs and try to suppress emotions in order to protect the feelings of others in order to maintain the relationship. Read this article if you suspect a tendency toward codependent behavior in a relationship.
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Method 1 of 3: Knowing the Meaning of Codependency
Step 1. Find out if you are behaving codependently
Codependency, also known as relationship addiction, is a behavior or emotional condition that can happen to anyone. A codependent tends to avoid discomfort or emotional problems in order to fulfill the wishes of others.
In a codependent relationship, you place great importance on the happiness and desires of the other person who is with you and completely ignore your own interests, sometimes even sacrificing yourself
Step 2. Notice if you are behaving codependently
Codependent people usually exhibit certain behaviors. Codependency can be recognized if you notice some or all of the following behaviors occurring in your daily life:
- Tendency to avoid conflict or negative emotions by suppressing feelings through humor or passive aggression to prevent anger from arising.
- Taking over responsibility or overly appreciating the actions of others.
- Misconstruing love as a way of helping someone else keeps you thinking about what they want.
- Give more than your obligations in a relationship.
- Try to maintain the relationship no matter what because you want to show loyalty to your partner and not feel left out, even if the behavior is very painful.
- Difficulty refusing requests or feeling guilty about being firm with your partner.
- Too busy thinking about other people's opinions and respecting them more than your own.
- Difficulty communicating, not knowing their own desires, and unable to make decisions.
- Feeling disappointed that your hard work and sacrifices are not appreciated can trigger feelings of guilt.
Step 3. Ask the following questions to reflect on the codependent behavior
If you can't determine codependency based on tendencies or behaviors, answer the following questions:
- Has the person you were with ever hit or abused you?
- Don't you want to disappoint him if he asks for help?
- Do you feel burdened by the many obligations you have to fulfill, but never ask for his help?
- Have you ever thought about your own wants or needs? Are you unsure of your own purpose in life?
- Do you give in to prevent a fight?
- Do you always think about what other people think of you?
- Do you think other people's opinions are more important than your own?
- Does the person you are with is or has ever been addicted to alcohol or drugs?
- Are you having trouble adjusting to the changes that occur in your daily life?
- Do you get jealous or feel rejected when your partner is spending time with his friends or other people?
- Do you have trouble accepting compliments or gifts from others?
Step 4. Determine if your feelings are caused by codependency
If you are currently or have been in a codependent relationship for a long time, you will experience lasting repercussions because you are used to keeping your feelings in check, trying to fulfill the wishes of the people you are with, and always ignoring your own. This attitude makes you:
- Feeling meaningless
- Inferiority
- Difficulty determining your own desires, life goals, and feelings.
Step 5. Identify the relationships that could be affected by codependent behavior
Initially, the term codependent behavior was used in a limited way for romantic relationships. However, this behavior also appears in other relationships.
- Codependent relationships occur in family relationships and friendships, not just romantic relationships.
- Because codependent behavior can run in families, pay attention to whether in your family, there is someone who behaves or has been in a codependent relationship so that the interests of the whole family are ignored to meet that person's needs.
Step 6. Determine if your partner is acting as a “controller”
There are two groups of people in a codependent relationship. The person who is codependent is called the “caregiver” and the person who is the partner is called the “controller”. The "controlling" role can be held by husband/wife, lover, children, etc.
- “Controllers” are people who desperately need attention, love, sex, and recognition. They seek these things by being violent, blaming others, showing anger, being easily irritated, criticizing, demanding, feeling right, talking non-stop, behaving violently, or liking emotional drama.
- “Controllers” tend to show this behavior not only to those who act as “caregivers,” but also to children, coworkers, and other family members.
Step 7. Find out if your child is also codependent
Codependent behavior is formed since childhood. So you need to find out if this relationship also affects your child. Sometimes, children show codependent behavior like adults, but it is not very clear because they are still in the learning process. Children who behave codependently can be identified by the following symptoms:
- Unable to make a decision
- Feeling very worried, stressed, and/or anxious
- Inferiority
- Excessive desire to please others
- Feeling afraid when alone
- Easy to get angry
- Being unassertive when communicating with others
Method 2 of 3: Knowing the Risk Factors
Step 1. Determine if your family has a history of codependent relationships
Codependent behavior usually runs in families. Maybe you've seen or been affected by codependent relationships in your family so you've learned that it's wrong to express needs, wants, or emotions.
- Perhaps you lived as a child as someone who had to fulfill the wishes of others who taught you that as a child, you had to suppress your emotional and physical needs to meet the needs of one member of your family.
- Even if you leave your family, you are likely to follow the same pattern in your love or other relationships and this can affect your child's life.
Step 2. Try to remember whether you have experienced violence
Situations that tend to trigger codependent behavior are victims of violence. If you have experienced violence, you are more likely to behave codependently as a way of coping with the trauma. You will harbor emotions and desires when experiencing violence to fulfill the wishes of others.
- The violence you experienced as a child can continue without intervention from your family. The same thing can happen in a codependent family relationship.
- Violence can be done emotionally, physically, or sexually.
Step 3. Identify situations that are likely to give rise to a codependent relationship
While this problem can occur in any relationship or with anyone, there are certain types of people that encourage codependent relationships, namely relationships between you and someone who always wants attention or help, for example:
- Addiction sufferer
- People with mental health disorders
- Chronic disease sufferers
Step 4. Find out whether there has been a divorce
In addition to violence, past experiences that trigger codependent behavior are divorce. In the event of a divorce, there is a possibility that the eldest child must replace the "lost" parent so that he tends to behave codependently.
You need to explain this condition to the parents who are still with you because this condition makes you try to suppress emotions and can lead to codependency
Method 3 of 3: Coping with Codependencies
Step 1. Find out why you are experiencing codependency
If you notice that you are behaving codependently, consult a mental health professional to determine the cause. Since this condition has something to do with childhood dysfunction, enlist the help of a therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, or other mental health professional to dig into your past and find the cause. After that, they can help you overcome this problem so that your condition recovers again. The therapy given is usually in the form of:
- Education about your condition and how it affects you and your relationship
- Group therapy uses movement, action, and activities, for example through equestrian therapy, music therapy, and artistic expression therapy
- Therapy by talking individually and in groups that is done by discussing and sharing your problems and experiences
Step 2. Learn to focus on yourself
As a codependent, you forget who you are and what you want, need, and dream of. While in therapy, enlist the help of a mental health professional so you can rediscover who you are and what your purpose in life is.
- Because codependent people live their lives thinking about other people, you don't know how to determine what you need, want, aspire to, and dream of. A mental health professional can help you rediscover these things.
- In addition, you can also learn how to take care of yourself to focus more on your own well-being, for example by learning techniques to relieve stress, get enough sleep, and adopt a good diet.
Step 3. Set personal boundaries
In addition to knowing the causes of problems and getting to know yourself, you need to eliminate destructive behavioral tendencies and patterns in relationships, for example by setting healthy flexible boundaries. At first, this can be difficult for codependents. Therefore, enlist the help of a mental health professional to learn how to define and apply boundaries in your daily life. You can do this by understanding how to:
- Free yourself from dependence on others
- Letting go of the desire to fulfill needs and make others happy
- Realizing the habit of self-criticism and demanding perfection
- Accept yourself and unpleasant emotions
- Show your desires and values by being assertive
Step 4. Join a support group
If you need more support or want to talk to people who are codependent, consider joining a support group. Look for group information by asking a mental health professional or online.
- Look for support group information through religious communities or mental health clinics. If you live in the United States, find information on the Co-Dependents Anonymous website.
- In certain countries, you can join Al-Anon which helps codependents who grew up in alcoholic families.
